it looks like i can't sleep early tonight again...

i feel betrayed... but i guess it's all because i choose to look at myself as the victim... when i wasn't even involved in anything, and i wasn't targeted or flamed...

i'm paranoid... i keep telling myself this... i'm just a freak paranoid & should just DIEDIEDIE...

the night isn't doing anything to make me feel better... i just feel a thousand times lonlier, a million times more stupid, and infinitely damned....

and those who should have felt more fortunate than the rest are complaining that the world is not giving them enough...

i don't think i've been through enough to warrant me all this pessimistic views...
i'm just not very rich, i have a intact family with my mum constantly whining and my dad being cool but weird sometimes and i have 2 sibilings whom i love very much... i have friends in school... not alot but few enough to make me feel like i live in heaven... i meet the same people that others meet too... i deal with relationship problems just like any other people would deal with... act dumb, tell lies, cry, run away... how am i different... how?

if i had a religion i'll most probably be cursing & swearing at somebody.... but now i'm just screaming into the emptiness.... i feel too much... i should just sell away my emotions... i love it.. it's so cool... u become so calm & logical, not affected by anything that is so trival & insignificant...

it's all because of me.... all this rubbish... am i supposed to be honoured? that i've become the invisible & unwritten reason contributing to the greater chaos? my feelings can't be wrong... u've just betrayed urself... & me... u've hurt me again & again & again... on countless occasions... & i feel so tired with you... all this guessing games to who is the real u... i play that with everyone i don't know ... i just can't imagine myself playing this game with u... u just made me do it...

i don't know what i see... and stupid faith is away in shanghai... haha... i've become so dependent on her for councilling for my unstable brain & emotions... i'm a bastard...

and admist all this... the only thing i desperately cling onto now is my kid bro who of all things i've encountered in this hell of a jc and it's people, the most angelic, naive, dependable & human...

i had actually thought i would be ready for anything... i'm not afraid of death & suffering... show me a picture of war & its atrocities & i hear people go ewww or cry for these people showing pity... i would just say so what? it's part of the world we live in... but maybe it has never hit so close to my heart before... people around me...

& to think i've thought u to be mature... i just saw another person whom i refused to see at first... i just see right through u...

~it's no use trying to assign names to those unnamed.... for they forever will be as they are... they will be those i wish to forget... those i wish to leave behind...

" why are your nick names are so sentimental one...."

that was the first thing my senior said to me after hmm... nt talking to me for a year... haha... oh well...

am i sentimental?

is being sentimental wrong?

maybe it's just my way of releasing stress... i cannot breakdown... it is more tiring than anything else... reflection makes me more aware of myself... my weaknesses & strengths...

i guess it's like "self appraisal" to reflect on everything that u've done for the day... everything u've said & done... i know it's tiring.... but i guess it's the path i've choosen to take to make myself a better person... to relieve myself of guilt & constant self berating... i realised that living in a mentality of self blame makes one pessimistic & overly dependent on others for a confirmation... for a definition... that u need a confirmation from those around u... u need praise, u cannot withstand any blows or major changes in ur life because u'll lose the people who define u...
to put it simply... u. l.o.s.e. u.r.s.e.l.f. & everything that comes with it... ur faith, trust etc...

or maybe it's because of my personality....
a facade.... as i always put it... a mask that i always wear...
insane, high, self absorbed, authustic, no image gurl... whatever u see... maybe it's what i want you to see.... or maybe it's what i want to tell you... that i am not what u see... the problem is... i don't know... sometimes i think i am who i am... sometimes i think i'm not who i believe myself to be...

failures... tears... pain... these are the things we all fear & avoid most...

i love to be high, to "flirt", to scream & shout like nobody's business... to think that i have bipolar tendencies... this is the me that i know... that i present to everyone though i hate it alot.. isn't it ironic? i hate being high, i hate being referred as that insane no image crazy girl but what can i do? it is what i am... it is how i naturally behave in front of people... it is how i hide things i don't wish them to see... AND I HATE IT... *and i'm so hysterical suddenly....*
self pity....

what's wrong with my sentimental nick? cus it doesn't fit the image u've seen me present to u when u interact with me? or isit something i yearn for? sentimental nicks to seek the attention that i need... and i don't wanna care...

i'm just overly paranoid.... that i fear & dread every second cus i'm afraid that something might just happen the nxt min & we won't be friends anymore... or that i've hurt u, or i've left a damn bad impression on u causing irreversible damage.... how dumb can i get... what picture is there for me to see...

is that me... what u see.... what i see...

i want to be the wind... carefree... resilient & so sure of itself... nothing can cut the wind... nothing can stop it... this is who i want to be... the wind...

it's the thought that counts...
yet when i look at reality...it always tells me otherwise...
it's the thought that counts...
somehow or rather, this sentence seems to be used to comfort people who are not able to afford a very expensive gift...

maybe it's because i've low self esteem... that i am not able to afford that much makes me more sensitive/suspicious of people's reaction after they receive the present...
to put it simply... i'm just plain weird...

if there is anything that i didn't prepare enough in social skills... it is the gatherings, gatherings & more gatherings that make me very sick of socialising... & it's not just any gathering... it's the gatherings with people who simply do not take into / or show little consideration the economic status of other people that piss me off the most...
it is at this gatherings where i feel most depressed... because people seem to think that money just miraculously appear in the purses and thus waste no effort in trying to spend it... they think it's an enjoyment... i think it is a torture... and the worse thing is i've been made to go through this ritual constantly... and even more frequently during the holidays... call me a miser or whatever u wanna call me....
i'm just poor...
i just can't stand it when i have to go through this ritual of lowering my self esteem everytime i go out with people... it's tiring & depressing...

and the lep web is making me worry too...

haix... when will all this ever end?

很多时候常想,十年后的今天,你我之间的感情,会是怎样的...

装傻,装疯,装癫,我什么都装过了... 难道一切都是因为心的选择?

my friend said that she hadn't used chinese for a year & she's losing it already... haha.. oh well..

did i tell u that my friends hate their JCs too? now i don't feel so alone anymore... i sound stupid...

everyone seems to be claiming that they have depression now adays... isit a fad? a norm?

maybe humans weren't meant for such transformations or evolutions... in the end... we end up being the dumbest things on earth... to seek for a better life & solution, and yet walk on the path of self destruction... greed....

i sound so cheesy...

my teacher told me that we're different everyday... that the present me @ 10.56pm may be different from the me of 10.56pm yesterday... that it is because of this reason that we cannot condemn a person forever, because he or she maybe different tomorrow... but the problem sometimes u look at this person full of hypocracy, full of themselves, full of so much rubbish that u wonder... how could he/she even change for the better?

however, the thing i've always wondered/& neglect is... am i any better from them... do i even resemble them in the slightest way? if yes, then what right do i have to condemn? what makes me think that i'm a notch higher than them?

i guess i always make this error of condeming someone everyday... but the prob is if u really want me to not condemn them... i lack the magnaminity & the patience... i guess the best thing is not to bother about them.... i shall continue to live in my own world...

if there's anything that i've learnt so far... it is not to hold on to the past... but like what all others say... to let go is never easy... and it's the thing i have to remind myself to do everyday... nyjc is good, nyjc is good... sounds sarcastic? maybe it's just something i really want to believe in despite everything...

i don't ask to forget... for to forget is to let go of memories, to let go of you or any ties with you... to forget is impossible... because memories make me who i am today... memories make me treasure the present more... memories encourage me to smile often... memories should make me move on... to not want to repeat past errors, to prove to others that this mistake will happen once & will nt happen again...

sometimes i wonder about the fact about whether humans are selfish... cause ultimately, everything boils down to ourselves @ the end of the day... you wish to help someone.. cause u wish to have this good feeling of lending a helping hand...

but since everyone will be happy in the end, the person who helps & the person who is helped... so why bother about me feeling good & me wanting this good feeling to be selfish?

i'm crapping....

hey ppl... any comments? i noe this kinda of sucks... i'm learning how to do it... but would love comments :) i'll appreciate it... many thanks!

EE HUI! SURPRISE!! LOOK!!! NICE???

haha... u went offline so had to put it here.. hope u'll like it :)

anyway... me played with photoshop & came up with this picture... looks like wedding aniversary photo :P but haha.. i LOVE IT

anyway ppl , MERRY CHRISTMAS!

though i dun celebrate christmas.... but it represents the coming of a new year... well for the school term & stuff *squints* but oh well... smile ppl... & take care :)

this is hilarious.... haha... here goes :

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy.

It really wasn't my fault what happened at faith's Christmas party. It was weilian who spiked the punch with too much chocolate milk. I can't help it if I drank 31 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like excrete.

I thought it was funny when I put Sining's bra on my head and danced the cha cha on the chair while singing `where is the love'. I didn't mean to break faith's mp3 and don't know why faith would sue me for adultery.

I don't remember calling weihao's wife a gay horse---even though she looked like one with black eye shadow and blue lipstick!

And when I threw up on miaoyu's husband's arse, it was only because I ate too much of that banana.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my garbage truck through my neighbor's kitchen. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a humongous dog and have me arrested for sodomise!

So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all siao and seductive. And I'm really not to blame for any of this kuukuu stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!

Sincerely and completely yours,
estel (Really a nice boy!)

P.S. It's only 1 bucks!

smile & merry christmas >.< HOHOHO

我愿用心为你编织美丽的梦
在网页上看到学姐和他男友的照片，看着他们俩幸福的样子，心里也莫名其妙的高兴起来...
我知道这感觉...不是羡慕...是真的替你感到开心...

和很多学姐都失去联络了,就算是有电邮,并时常看到你上网,就是不懂得如何开口向你打个招呼...
怕心里的这些怀念是多余的... 人家可能都不想你呢,你干吗那么白痴呀....
也就这样,痴痴的望着你,祝你幸福,快乐...

感情的包袱很难背...而且拿起后,就不易放下...
所以有时候觉得做个流浪者是一件多么幸福的事呀...
没有情感上的包袱,也没有什么寄托...
走遍天涯,想留就留,想走就走,不带任何牵挂,也不受拘束,多自由...

孤单 是一个人的狂欢
狂欢 是一群人的孤单

很讨厌被人误会,有时候是讨厌那个人自作聪明,自以为很了解我和我的为人,有时候则是自己因为没把话说清楚,造成两人之间的误会,怪也不能怪别人.只能怪自己...
很多时候,时时刻刻挂念着你,你却不知道... 只会说我偏心,说我没良心...
如果人能这么轻易的把话说出来,那"我爱你"着三个字也变得没意义了...

所以说你不了解我...我也不想让你分析我的性格...

多情的人呀...就被残酷的现实排斥和压迫了...

我知道我不能怪你... 但是我们之间的鸿沟也因此扩大了... 也许你不会察觉到... 但是我对周遭的人都很缺乏信任... 要是之间一出现了距离,就很难再复合了...

很抱歉...我们的友谊...就到此结束吧...

HEY FAITH!!!
was listening to this song & u came to my mind.. so yar... dedicate this song to u :)
love me? :P lol! *hugs*

BSB: what makes u different

You don’t run with the crowd
You go your own way
You don’t play after dark
You light up my day

Got your own kind of style
That sets you apart
Baby that’s why you’ve camptured my heart

I know sometimes you feel
Like you don’t fit in
And this world doesn’t know
What you have within

When I look at you
I see something rare
A rose that can grow anywhere
And there’s no one I know that can compare

*Chorus:
What makes you different
Makes you beautiful
What’s there inside you
Shines through to me
In your eyes I see all the love I’ll ever need
What makes you different makes you beautiful to me

You’ve got something so real
You touched me so deep (touched me so deep)
The material things
Don’t matter to me
So come as you are
You’ve got nothing to prove
You won me with all the you do

And I wanna take this chance to say to you

*

You don’t know how you’ve touched my life
Oh there’s so many ways, I just can’t describe
You taught me what love is supposed to be
It’s all the little things that made you beautiful to me

*

Everything in you is beautiful
Love you give shines right through me
Everything in you is beautiful
Beautiful to me (to me)

entry kidnapped from my sis's blog... haha.... enjoy

Friday, December 16, 2005

i saw a couple quarreling over a DISPLACED TEA BAG.

DISPLACED TEA BAG
DISPLACED TEA BAG
DISPLACED TEA BAG

haha.crazy.the guy got so angry coz his gf chose a table with a displaced teabag. so he left the place angrily. he looked so funny. i should have taken a picture of him

... and waste memory space. HAHA.

i am supposed to abandon this blog. NO DHILSHAD. i am not blogging for you. hahah. SOMEBODY THINKS THEY ARE SO HOT. HOT UNTIL THEY HAVE HEATRASH X)) well.. HAHA. SIANNED. no lah. wanted to blog cos for once the modem wire wasnt kept.over the years, my mum has hidden it in a million places including:

the washing machine
dustbin
cupboard
her handbag
somewhere among the stuff toys
somewhere among the canned food
laundry basket

and most of the time.. we managed to find it. my mum has a GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR HUH.

so now everyone's doing the chiku moku song. haha. i should do an album for that. do cockroach version and stuff. HAHA.

g n i n i s

1. Post 5 weird/random stuffs about yourself.
2. At the end of the quiz list the names of 5 people who you want next to do this and leave a comment "you are tagged" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules.

ok my blog my rules... so i shall ignore rule 2... haha... >.< 5 weird /random facts...

1. i love to eat anything that breathes & love eating them raw if possible...

2. faith is my fiancee & i declare i love her forever! i shall marry her when i reach e legal age!! WHEE *hugs faith*

3. i tried learning elvish but failed... (only for now) however, piss me off & i will insult u in elvish...eg : Nostach be Orch gaer (You smell like ten orcs), Ti tállbe Orch(Go kiss an orc)

4. i have a high sex drive... X))

5. i love speed... if given a chance i wanna go kart forever

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i'm just extremely depressed...
everything just came to me suddenly... because of something so insignificant & stupid...
u all r just so childish...
why can't u just leave me alone... i didn't know taking up this responsibility would mean so much more than what is written on the paper..
i didn't know that the right to speak ur mind actually means so much more & could cost u so much more....

did i tell u to treasure every second u spend with ur friend cus u won't know when it might be ur last...

& u won't know if this is the last time i'm going to speak to u or not....

nothing is planned... it just came... i don't know what hidden meanings or msges that is out there... i can't read people... it's just so tiring....


& u won't know....

g.o.n.e

sometimes, things don't go the way you want... i've seen through what was shown to me...
things are not what they seem to be... things are what they are....

btw... if u realised... the guy involved in the NKF scandal has a cute name... T.T Durai...
u get this T.T out of his name! fascinating isn't it? lol

i realised that it's always impossible to get 100% of everything... i mean down to the basics... if u ate a whole bar of chocolate, u wouldn't get the full satisfaction of sharing it with ur sibilings... yet if u shared it wth ur sibilings, u won't get enough to eat... >.<

i feel... unhappy...
because i am unable to let them be happy...
because people around me are unhappy because of money...
it's so shallow... so i made a shallow wish tt since the cause of everything seems to be money, them maybe to be rich seems to be the only solution...
it's so easy to say if... if i had this, if i had that... but the problem is if is just a stupid wish plus countless possbilities...

things i strongly believe in...
there is always a 2 hand situation... it just forms the foundation...
that i am a schizoprenic...
that i am who i am... i define my destiny.. i do not let others define my destiny, or rule over my way of life...

things i want to believe in...
that there are things such as forever friends...
that i will succeed
that i will not be too realistic nor too dreamy...

haha... crapping...

i will seek what i set out to find... i have almost found it... u are just there... so close.. & yet so far

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

food for thought...

'we cannot just create our own comfortable or politically correct image of God & worship it. that is idolatry.'

things that i felt needed definition...
worship:
n.

1. The reverent love and devotion accorded a deity, an idol, or a sacred object.
2. The ceremonies, prayers, or other religious forms by which this love is expressed.
2. Ardent devotion; adoration.

v.

1. To honor and love as a deity.
2. To regard with ardent or adoring esteem or devotion.

idolatry:
n 1: religious zeal; willingness to serve God
2: the worship of idols; the worship of images that are not God


somehow the word that comes to my mind is... I.R.O.N.I.C...
there are alot of reasons i guess.. but this word just sums up how i felt...

anyway, i seem to be falling in love with oldies recently... have no idea why too...
songs include:
潇洒走一回
走在铁路旁(夏之旅) (strongly recommended XD)
小城故事
海誓山盟
滚滚红尘

there are alot more but i just don't have the energy to list them out...

i would also like to say a BIG thank you to FAITH & WEILIAN
for dating me.. hehe... because
1. no one bothers to date me
2. & i don't bother to go to dates cus i just hate going out... i'm a hermit
soo... many thanks to these 2 darlings for dragging me out of the bed to orchard road lido to watch perharps love.. thanks! *hugs*
if u want me to rate the movie out on the scale of 10
i would give it a 6.5...
i don't know why... i think maybe it's cus i kept comparing it to moulin rouge... i mean tt was what the review in the ST's did so i just sort of expected it to match up to moulin rouge...
and for ur info, i DID cry for moulin rouge & i think the computer effects of this movie made me want to laugh when i'm supposed to cry. i'm just pampered by the wonderful effects of LOTR so unless u can do a better one than the one i saw in LOTR, don't expect me to go WOW...

the only person who loves u the most is urself

i got this quote from the movie... i think tt is the thing i agree with the most...
humans are selfish... admit it... everything just boils down to me, me, me & me alone...
i figured this out some time ago... so now i think that everyone is a bastard...
sorry i'm just cranky cus it's 6.20am

anyway, i had wanted to write a entry that goes like this:

I HATE U!!! U DON'T UNDERSTAND ME, NON OF U DO! URGH!!!

however i realised that for every min that i'm angry i loose 60 seconds of happiness...
i just feel very very depressed... because they would have understood... and because i'm not like a "normal" teenager... i hate shopping, i hate going out with friends, i hate watching movies, i hate eating in places that are not hawker centres...
and the most ironic thing is...
1. it's not because i have phobias of food courts or shopping centres
2. or that i hate my friends
3. i'm not poor as in i don't beg in the streets...
sometimes i think the only person who understands me the most is my best friend of 10 years... we just know each other so well that sometimes we can just say 1 word of a sentence & she can understand what i mean... it's sad that i can't follow her to tjc though.. *hugs julia*

recently i kept thinking that if i was rich, what would i do...
& the only thought that kept coming back to my mind was
1. to buy happiness...
i realised that even though ppl proclaim proudly that materialistic wants cannot possibly make u more happy than spiritual wants... i realised that that is only just something we hold on to in order to sound like u are a notch higher than the others... that u are different... but e fact is most of us can't live w.o them... it has become our way of life... try living in bukit timah for a week & see if u can be truly happy, climbing trees, fighting with monkeys over bananas...

i am traditional... just freaking bloody traditional... it makes me have low self esteem...

i betray my friends... avoid me... i'm just a loner...

d.a.r.k.n.e.s.s.d.o.u.b.t.s.h.a.d.o.w

i smirked...
behind that sweet smile & gentle tone
i just smirked @ ur innocence...
maybe i'm the reincarnation of the devil...
who said humans were born kind...
or maybe some are...
i could just have killed u
if i had possesed a gun...
i see things not supposed to be seen
i hear things not supposed to be heard
i say things not supposed to be said.....
and here u say i am diplomatic...
i feel more like a schizoprenic...
i cannot define my stand...
i do things to bring ur hopes up
& then drop hints here & there to put doubts in u...
p.u.p.p.e.t

the day i point my gun @ u
is the day u realise that i was not who u thought u saw

i was fooling u all along...

sudden feeling of frustration...
i have lots of things nt done & it's piling on to my stress load....
christmas gives me headaches...
1. hcl pw project (DAMN U DAMN U OK!!!)
2. presents...
3. 3 tests & lots of damned homework
URGH... the sight of a croakoach just freak the nerves outta of me & is the catalyst for this whole chain reaction crap...
it sucks to be a santa clause of reality cus u are constrained monetarily & u dun have enuff time...

btw i was reading thru my past entries in open diary & i think i sounded... idiotic... it doesn't mean that i dun sound idiotic now... it's just that my idiocy has evolved to another level & perspective...

extract:

thoughtful...

8/16/2003

nicez day..nice weather...

watchin e repeat telecast of our country's ndp parade...dun really feel anything cause i'm not really a great fan of PAP, the political party of singapore. i'm just took more notice of this yrs parade cause our sch participated in it this yr! yeahs...i sort of miss the practice...though i'm juz a lousy reserve...i'll miss e days

mark lee is behaving stupidly on e screen...lame guy...

i just read a newspaper article about stress of students in s'pore, about suicide of 2 students.... i wonder if the kill themselves to escapre frm e problem or frm something else? i heard frm my sch mate that one of my classmate slit her wrist...weirdo..i wanted to do that lasy year but didn't haf e courage to do it...i sux as usual.

my thoughts are suddenly disrupted by mark lee screaming hysterically on e screen"HAPPY BIRTHDAY S'PORE"...darnz

suicide....ppl sae only weaklins do tt but i wonder... however..does death really solve everythin? or do u juz wanna run away...?

this was my second entry... my first entry sucked... not like this didn't... the only thing i liked abt this entry is the font.. someone just KILL ME...
anyway i did a analysis & this was what i found out of the 101 entries tt i wrote before switching to blogger.
1. almost every entry contained the name of a PRC scholar... egs. dwjj, zj, cj, zsr go figure
2. most entry was of how life sucked because of CLDDS & e lousy president
3. i wld constantly lamented abt my grades, because the fact is... i kept flunking my science & maths subjects. i wld lament at how the wrld is unfair, how the education system sucked... blah blah blah...

this is boring me...

~Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends.

~All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

i need a plan... a long term one to sustain me thru all this shit... it's nt helping tt i'm nt talking to anyone now... i dun feel like talking... i'm just authistic... not artistic.. URGH

damn it... i think i'm going to have a second asthma attack because of stress.. and it's during the HOLIDAYS!


philosphies dun save lives that are hanging on the line... to hell with the world...

- 借问路强吻女生 男子被咬掉舌头
- 白痴天才背书9000本不会穿衣
- 疯狂暗恋邻家女 痴男多次翻窗入户帮做家务
-男女网上热恋 相见竟是母子
- 窃贼摸上床 误认是老公 迷糊妇失身　淫贼被捕
- 美国老少配 37岁怀胎7月 嫁给15岁新郎

headlines...
this is are some of the more "interesting" ones tt i found admist other wierd headlines like 传北外处女率15.86% 北外回击称性行为率11% which did a survey on the no. of virgins... mankind & their sexual pleasures...

can someone define 'normal' for me?

i hate going to sch...
this is written on impulse...

answers... this has been on my mind ever since that conversation... it was what i saw... admist the seemingly never ending reasons u gave... answers to life...
i was @ fault... i'm srry... it was wrong of me not to stand in ur shoes to look @ this issue fairly... we are both lost & looking for answers... u found urs, & it is through u that i think i found mine... for now..
it is impossible to ask this of u... to be philosophical w.o it linking to religion... because religion is life itself... religion is abt the way we live & think... how could i have assumed otherwise...
soul searching... to search inside.. & see lots of questions.. although for now i'm sure tt i'm a atheist, i'm not sure if i will be in the future because no one is sure what will happen tml...
who knows a miracle might happen... or that the end of days may come?
treasure... to treasure every moment with u & nt regret... if there is, then learn from mistakes & let go...
i rmb vividly of how my fav form teacher told us how he converted to chirstianity... he said tt when he was a kid, he didn't believe in the existence of god. so he made a pact with god, that if he got full marks for his maths test he wld believe in him. and he did... i believed it was coincidence, he believed in god ever since...
to each his own... to be in someone else's shoes... as much as we hate ppl promoting their faith, have we stepped in their shoes & thought of how they felt... it takes 2 hands to clap... i've found only one hand so far, where's the other hand?
ppl hold on to the believe tt there is a better tml
i still hold on to the believe that there will be something to prove this religion true... a miracle or anything... i'm still waiting...

maybe the ans i have now are not the ans i've been searching for... but for now i'm contented... i feel strength with a strong belief... maybe that was what you wld have wanted me to feel too... i'm glad that u've shared :)

there's always something more to the obvious... u know it's always there... most of time it involves self discovery & alot of heart breaks... but what matters is that we come out a stronger person...

i am strong... because i've found what i want... or this is what i choose to believe...
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

u noe me... u don't noe me...
many faces.colourful masks.different facades
laughter.hysteria.i appear to be happy 24/7
scars.fears.darkness... hidden inside, now u see it, now u don't
i am who u see me, i fear e darkness, yet it is my best ally...
no.one.is.happy...4ever

harlow eArThLinGs, i Am iNvAdDer ZiM aNd i HaveE cOmE to InVAde uR PlaNEtT eArTh.. uR LaNd SucKs... gIVe ItT UpP! SuRRrEnDerR!!! WaVee ur FLAG!! MAUAHAHAHAHA... okok.... lame lame *bends down to find legs*

loves...
- cartoons (power ranger plus a whole lot of disney cartoons)
- children's department in shoppin centres (yes yes i haf no childhood)
- shoppin like a ah soh in e supermarket
- actin childish & lame
- eatin raw food (& hopefully die of fd poisoning)
- the darkness
- porn (heh XD okok jkjk)
- blue
- languages
- singing (& breaking window panes)
- my friends
- to think of life & its philosophies
- cedar (a sea of blue)
- Aspires to marry legolas, but will not be choosy if a
suitable candidate comes by..... reknown for using
violence on opposite sex though gender of self remains unknown
- my mei mei
to see u smile, to take away all ur fears, to feel loved...

hates
- irresponsible ppl
- ppl who treat me as a replacement
- ppl who don't repect my religious freedom
- ppl who act as if they have a IQ of infinity when in actual fact have a IQ of 0
- myself & my many disgusting habits

define urself... that is e question we ask ourselves everyday, who are we? what do we seek... define..
we wld love to have ans, most humans hate instability, they hate not knowing the ans...
i am who u define me to be, i am who i define myself... love me or hate me...
this is ur choice...
what do you see? what do you wish to see?

e.s.t.e.l.w.e.n.h.o.p.e
if all else fails hold on to the believe tt there is a better tml...
for even the smallest person can change the course of e future...


this is my friendster profile... but i dun feel comfortable putting depressing stuff dere so i took it down & posted it here... gahx...

因为有相聚，才有分离，
因为离别，才会有回忆
因为没有永恒，所以才珍惜
i think it was after i experienced my first big farewell in sec 4 did i know that eternity is not forever...
i realised recently tt i don't really have any post activity blues... even after the YVIP camp.. i didn't even feel a tinge of sadness, that this thing is going to end, that i shouldn't have done this or tt to piss my TF off, that i didn't manage to get a few more packets of packed lunch to make e money paid for this camp more worth it...
i felt N.O.T.H.I.N.G
it was as if a dream... a 4 days 3 nights dream where i became a blood bank for the mosquitoes infesting the corner of the classroom when i was slping dere @ night.
yet i hear ppl gushing about how well their trips went, what they did, who they bonded with blah blah blah... with msn nicks saying i'm missing this already, or declaring their undying love for the country they visited...
O.S.T.R.A.C.I.S.E.D.
this became my first entry not written in blogger @ 2am in the morning in the corner of the classroom while the others were sound asleep... that was the first day of my camp, where i felt really really depressed by something... the feeling of being ostracised by ur own friends just hurt too much... maybe i justed wanted badly to belong somewhere in a foreign situation, & was rejected right in the face by people who are my friends... i didn't understand this feelings... jealousy? distress? depressed? anger? miscommunication?
whispers... whispers & hidden singals that was just screaming @ me to back off... to just get out of their sight... that i didn't belong...
it just hurts to be alone at that point of time...
i found solace in the stairs next to nanyang's track... to stare at the stars & wonder about everything... to marvel @ the universe in comparison to ur tiny self... i just wished i could disappear....
why do you miss the trips so much? because there are regrets? becuase living in fantasy was better than living in reality? because what? why do u have to exclude ppl who didn't live in the same fantasy as u? do u hate us so much? what did we do to nt qualify to be part of ur "post" fantasy? because we remind u of reality? WHAT? just exactly WHAT?
i feel stupid writing "friends forever" cus i know it is just a damn bloody illusion & self assurance to u & ur friend tt things will last... "forever" is just stupid...
& yes i know i suck cus i "misunderstood" ppl.. i know that she's actually very nice to u & that i shld just go to fucking hell cus i hated her... i am SOO SOO SORRY... i'm going to harp on this.. to remind myself of what friendship meant to u & me... call me oversensitive or childish or wadever crap... there's a reason for me hating ppl... i saw rite thru them & their hypocritical shit... i saw them ostracise ppl so as to fight for power. the dirty tactics used to gain favour... the smirk behind that sweet smile... this is the big picture i saw... these were the shit that i had to bear with before i gave up trying being friendly to them... Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:43)
i am such a emotional wreck...
apologies btw are nt accepted for my grp mate... i believe in actions speaking louder than words... do smthing abt urself and dun apologise & giving promises which are in doubt... my letter of complaint to the SC in the forum meanwhile has been happily collecting cobwebs...

i see right through u... i see a picture of ugliness, a picture painted with hypocracy & deceptions... i see doubts & fears... i see... but i can't seem to see what i am searching for..

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

was shopping ard for angels today... i mean it.. that kind of angels with wings.. but cannot find.. it's either too big bulky & not to mention quite ugly, or it doesn't even look like a angel at all... now i know how hard it is to find angels..

i have camp tml... sighx... the only comfort is that eunice is my grp *hugs eunice* ... so much things not done...
1. stocktake
2. homework - lep
- history
3. forum for lep website
4. lep website
5. revision
6. lep project
7. econs project

i want my holidays back! this is basically crap cus i need a damn bloody long break to get my life back... i dun wanna sleep at like 4 plus going homework or the stuff i like cus i'll be just a walking corps the nxt day.. DAMN U the education system! DAMN U.

on a more positive note... i have plans to bombard the SC forum with tons & tons of moral & ethical questions & see how they tackle it...
1. what are the qualities expected of a SC? is responsibility a value that SC places importance on?

2. if yes, how do u explain for the lack of responsibility demonstrated by the majority of the SC?
egs. they are absent for lessons frequently, they claim to be the voice of the school yet do not unite the students in a single cause, they do not even fulfil their basic responsibility in other areas such as projects & claim SC activities to be the main reason for them being so busy..

3. how do you expect to maintain the student population's confidence in this SC board if you all don't do anything to lead the school? you have a suggestion box yes, but isit used often? are student's suggestions even taken into consideration? how do we know that it is taken into consideration by you all or the school?

4. we cannot even cheer properly, as seen from the very disheartening level of enthusiasm given by the students on the day of the v.ball competition held in toa payoh sports stadium. the students of course are also at fault for not being as enthusiastic but was anything done after that lousy cheering session to make sure that such a tragedy does not happen again? i don't see my class's SC asking my class what are the improvements that can be made... do you just leave it at this? so this is our level of pride for the school? we can't even cheer our school name in unison, so do we even have the right to call ourselves NYJCians? do we even have to right to say we have a school identity? are we even proud of our school?

5. has the SC done a evaluation of how popular this student leader body is with the school? what does the school think of the SC? do you guys even know?

am i being too harsh? i'm contemplating whether to paste this on the forum... which is kinda of empty now so i wanna spice it up with some controversial stuff... *evil laughs*

if there is anything i would like to do given a chance... i would like to be a pc for cedar... hahaha.. but then again... i would be too obsessed with pc activities to even study... how i hate having depressions... gahx.. lol

士为知己者死，女为说己者容...
以前曾对自己说过，做人要敢爱敢恨，勇往直前，潇洒走一回...
然而...有时候却发现,活着,而且有勇气的活着,其实并非想象中的那么容易...
常把"我敢!"这个两个字挂在嘴边儿,但却缺乏了真正的勇气...
发现其实我所追求的只不过是一时的快乐和刺激,也因为这错误的理想而使周遭的人受了伤,也使自己一直跌倒,但就是没办法找出挫败的原因何在...
不是一切事物都有让你选择的自由... 也就因为如此, "敢爱敢恨"也完全失去了意义...

trust is amazing... so is receptiveness... the willingness to accept... the willingness to be open...
to close urself to things is to just put urself at a disadvantage...
i think happiness comes from being open to things around you...
to condemn is to make urself feel tired... to feel jaded about this bloody damned world... because everything is bad to you....even if something is okay, u'll just wreck ur brains to find something bad to condemn...
u feel jaded... u wonder what's so gd about e world that makes u wanna live on...
u feel stupid cus u had thought that the world was a great place, where miracles existed, where love made it go round... that some humans are selfless...
maybe it's through all this condeming that u lose touch with what is good... u would instinctively feel that something is bad & not the other way round...
u loose ur ability to trust, to love... eventually u lose urself along the way...
i'm trying to find myself back... i'm trying hard & i won't give up.. cus i know it is only through myself that i can hope for a better future... that it is through myself that i can hope for a change in others...

to ask myself to be optimistic might be not get me to my aims... i guess to be open to things is the goal i'm truly aiming for...
i don't wanna hate people anymore... i don't wanna complain no more... i just wanna get on with my life... i just want to be happy...
i won't let go of sarcasm, nor my passion for things that tire me out....
to be open.... maybe it's then i can see things more clearly... then i won't be so quick to criticise, so quick to hate...

there's always something to be learnt from everything... maybe it's through experiencing things that i hate that i will learnt to walk my own path, that i will know more clearly the things i like... life is about self discovery... to know about urself... & to help others in the process... that's life... i think i love it... that's why i won't give up.... yet...
@__@

to backrow, PRCs, faith, weilian, jasmine, eehui... miss u guys...enjoy ur holidays..

~I will live in the hope for a better tml, to see miracles happen, to see love, trust... i will live in hope...

it was all glam & glamour as our "dear" principal retired after giving 37 years of herself to education... the ceremony lasted for 2 & a half hrs... i didn't shed a single tear...

~~~

it was just a simple farewell ceremony, wthout the prom & decorations that is expected of a principal who was cedar's miracle... the farewell lasted for an hr or so... i was drowning in my own tears...

~~~

see the difference? i don't know... but i felt it... deeply...
it was just a simple comparison b/w humble & proud...

---

~i can't blame her for being proud of her 37 years of "contribution" to singapore's education... but i'm just disgusted when i sat through her billingual ppt which flaunted to us her humble contributions to the chinese language education... oh wait... when did singapore have only a chinese teacher who is passionate towards the chinese language... she even went to the extent of attaching her sons email to substantiate her claims that she spent more time on the school then with her family... i just felt like carving the word "S-H-A-M-E-L-E-S-S" next to her name...
everything abt this ceremony was about her & her & her alone... it seemed like these achievments were purely because of her "talents & cpabilities"... the students were just backdrops to allow her to radiate out her "motherly glow"... the teachers were just tools who were guided by her "motherly hands"... somehow it sounded like dictatorship rather than partnership b/w the principal & the teachers...
AND! AND! AND!.... oh my gawwddd... she happily accepted a sash tt wrote this words... best principal... PULEASE!!! ... she is definitely not my best...
i agree what she did was amazing... like giving students a second chance, paying attention to classes with lower grades... but whao... she's not the only one who does all these amazing stuff... other principals did as well... it's just that she flaunted hers more...
everything just made me feel like pukin... i can't stand it when people flaunt shamelessly... it's just plain disgusting... it just makes ur contributions nothing as compared to those who contributed because they truly wanted to give... it makes me wonder what ur aims truly are... to help students? or to gain glory?

---

she refused to have anything associated with herself.... Cedar's achievements, Cedar's glory in the past 5 years... everything.... everything was possible because the school made it possible.. we.. the teachers.. the students.. she refused to sit on a VIP chair prepared specially for her because she said to accept such glorification would be unrealistic... we were already crying like crazy even before the event started... we did a song & dance item for her... self composed... because we wanted to give her something from our hearts... our present HPC made a speech, thanking her for the wonderful things she gave cedar within a short period of 5 years... the things she taught us, the wonderful experiences she shared with us... she always treated us as adults... to mould us into women of substance of character...
she didn't prepare a speech for us... but she went up to stage all the same... she told us that for once she shall not prepare something... but rather say it from her heart... she denied all accolates given to her... said that she didn't deserve all these because it wouldn't have been possible if it was a one way thing... she talked about her partnership with the staff of cedar, she recalled the times when she first entered cedar together with our batch & had to get use to our cheering... she admired our zest for life... she told us the frustrations she faced during this 5 years... she cried...we cried & laugh together in the hall as she told us everything & everything of what she has observed & learnt from us... with short "intermissions" in b/w so that she could clear her nose & she passed a remark saying that she didn't like to wear mascara... >.<>


Cedar soared.... all because of her... how come she doesn't flaunt her contributions like the other principal did... her encouragements always works... her philosophies about life... if there's anyway better to thank you, i'll remember them all... the system of suggestion box set up in cedar... the various changes made because of the school looking into these suggestions instead of the stupid metal box set up by the SC outside the canteen that grows cobwebs...
we have a starbucks corner, we have more colourful canteens & classrooms self decorated by students... extended library hours, with the libarian being much more humane & canteen operating hours being made longer... what more can i ask for...

change is the only constant... i'll miss you....

~Missing you~ (farewell song for ms leong)
All these five years
That we shared with you
The time we spent hearing you out over there

Through newspapers, character ed
We remember them all deep in our hearts

Bridge:
Thank you for your contributions to Cedar,
to Cedar
We will never forget what you have done

Chorus:
And so we are missing you lots
Miss you lots, miss you lots
Thank you for what you have done
Thank you for what you have done
And so we are missing you lots
Miss you lots, miss you lots
We love you so much so Ms Leong

Remember
The times which you joked,
Laughed with us,comforted us in distress
Fighting for a chance to heighten our growth
In leadership and exchange programmes

Remember
You motivate us
Telling us to pursue our biggest dreams

From ABCs,
To learn how to be gracious Cedarians
Who hold the Cedar flag high

Bridge
Chorus

yesterday was horrible.... no wonder i'm in a damn cranky & bad mood now... must be the after effects of the horrible performance. this is made worse by the fact that i've come into close contact with bimbos who are irresponsible, have lousy acting skills, are quite dumb in terms of common sense & basically act bimbotic like their lives depend on it. URGH..

but to look on the bright side, i managed to collect a whole bunch of lightsticks for my "kawaii" *pukes* little brother who now proclaims that he loves his da jie (of which now i have something to threaten him with) teehee
and...my gor has managed to owe me another lunch treat... basically he has accumulated a whole list of things which he has yet to really give mek a real treat so forget it... gahx

i realised that my wishlist for chirstmas is just to have a mp3 player >.< haha... my discman is screwed......... gahxxxxx... feel like robbing a bank

i think i'm breathing in second hand cigarette smoke... why must all bosses smoke? stupidddd

i shall do a evaluation of the farewell during lunch time! MUAHAHA


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

FLAKES FLAKES FLAKES! I HATE THEM! URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
DAMNIT....
I WANNA BATH!
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Estelwen, you're 17% masculine

This is based on how you scored on a variety of traits that, founded on classic research and our own studies, are typically associated with men.
You're also 83% feminine, which is based on how you scored on traits that are typically associated with women. When we compare your results with other women it shows that you are somewhat less masculine than other women.

okayyy... i would say... ermxxxxxxxxx.... REALLY?????? wadever lar.... i was just trying to act feminine i think
>.< lol!


Estelwen, you're a Pessimist Low!



Geez, who rained on your parade? Okay, so you don't have the same Eeyore-ish attitude as a true pessimist, but you definitely aren't expecting good things to happen, either. Even when the weatherman is sure of sun, you carry an umbrella. And we're willing to bet that you're at least somewhat sarcastic — you like making fun of those suckers who are always looking on the bright side of life. You don't trust people readily; they have to earn their spot in your good graces. (In fact, you may even feel like you have enough friends and don't really need any more.) After all, nobody's giving you anything in this world — it's every man for himself. But you're not completely devoid of hope. Admit it: Somewhere deep inside is a tiny part of you that truly believes at least one cloud out there has a silver lining. Try listening to that part a little more often and see what happens.

i love this! haha! this is accurate! wheeeeeeeee... gahx...
me is just being lame >.<

一句简单的问候，
即使不说话一样温暖无限…

生命真实的智慧
存在于单纯之中

不论快乐悲伤，
只要有你
就是最甜美的回忆

在生活中能彼此分享真实情感的
就是真正的朋友

就在记忆某一处
在生命的某一段
我的世界曾因有你而丰富

喜欢下雨天
喜欢和你共撑一把伞的感觉
可以靠你好近好近

只要能努力尽好本分
其实就是一种自我的超越

满心的关怀
因为你是我朋友
只因为我珍惜

true- north...
it is about finding out who you are & where u truly belong...
we are always in a constant search about who we truly are, some think that they've found it through religion... others are still finding their own ways & methods of discovering their true north...
to be restricted by rules & regulations... to loose freedom in thought...
though u may be guided, how much space are u given to wander?
why choose to live with a burden instead of finding solace in a powerful unknown
why choose to believe that kharma exist & burden urself with doing gd deeds for the future u, or for redemption of the previous u? why not just focus on living life as it is now?
i'm appalled... by things i seen... things i choose to believe in...
it might all be a matter of perceptions.... because a phrase taken out of a passage spiced up with the author's commentries may completely twist the original idea...
but somehow it didn't seem to be so...
i keep telling myself that everything is a matter of choice.... everything is a matter of what you choose to believe, what you choose not to believe...
the only word that keep appearing in my mind was: "S-T-U-P-I-D."
ignorance is not always bliss... it is always through the process of gaining knowledge tt i learn more... that i discover myself...
that's is life... cest la vie...

pray let me find my true north....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

extracted frm my wonderful mei's blog!

" oh wells. toking abt fires. i used to play with fire. esp during mooncake festival. damn fun lah. me and jie will collect rough paper throughout the whole year just for this day. then on mooncake festival night we go high and start burning evt. pluck leaves from plants.. throw them in and smell the chlorophyll smoke and hear the lovely sizzling.i guess it's like full moon and like the wolves..we go crazy. aiyah.sadly.. we dont have such time to do crazy stuff tgt anymore. the only thing we burn is midnight oil. which is not fun at all. heh. well.. we managed to pass on the tradition to our brother. he burns stuff every mid autumn festival under the supervision of my dad. SUPER- VISION. can u sense the sacarsm? just this yr.my dad actually threw the sparkler into the air and apparently it got stuck among the leaves of the palm tree at the garden downstairs and the palm tree was on fire. damn lame ok.the palm tree was smoking badly and we wanted to call the fire engine initially. and the next day when i was on my way to sch. the palm tree was chao tar. so malu. how weird and lame can my family get?i also dunno."

how i miss the fun times.... i miss burning stuff... i miss doing crazy stuff... i miss mixing chemicals and freaking melissa out.... now she's in china! *pokes*
apparently, i'm not slacking enough... i'm doing at the speed faster than they expected... damnit... i shall slow down... meanwhile, shall curse & swear that i have to leave my job early to go for mrs ho's farewell... she can happily retire for all i care.... just don't eat into my salary!

i've got my junior's graduation night photo... i look bloated in the damn bloody picture... i look uneven! AHHH! btw i'm overweight.... i bet i'm going to die of a heart attack! teeheee...sitting in office no good for health... damnit... i'm ranting rambling ranting...

i ate crabby yesterday too.... am looking forward to delicious food! MUAHAHAH! oysters! salmon! drools....

tada!

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

am i supposed to be happy tt she said that?
but then again, to each his own...
we're just two worlds apart, her friends & mine too...
why am i even thinking about this?
getting sick of work... its only a week... maybe i wouldn't feel so burdened if i didn't have LEP stuff plus revision & the "threat" of the HOD looming dangerously close...
shit shit shit shit...
sound like teenage angst...
i think too much... i shld stop thinking & stop being so damn sensitive to everything...
i shld just shut off mentally & go to hell... muahaha
i'm just a screwed gurl... apparently, the new cedar principal is sucky... i just hope this apparently doesn't become a fact...
i'm still guilty over the fact tt i didn't get to send faith off in changi airport...
the bible is at the corner of the computer table... reading it once in a while...
was wondering if i do convert to some religion, would i go attend church or mass or whatever gatherings that is required of that religion...
in that case.. religion becomes a committment... i bet that if i do become a member of a faith, i would be the worse member in history... lol...
meanwhile, i hear stories here & there that never fails to amaze me...
my sis meanwhile, shows no interest in the bible despite my attempts to coherce her to read it with me... hahax...

如果一切都是注定的,那选择何在?很多东西其实不需要去寻找,只需要我们去珍惜

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

sometimes, i just wish that u did't care...
sometimes, i just wish u could care more...
isit a problem of me being emotional & all,
or isit a problem of ur eq being too sucky...
i don't know why...
sometimes i feel that everything bad that happens in this family is ur fault
u're the one who whines the most,
u're the one who always make it sound like the world is against u
u're the one who always ramble on & on abt how unlucky ur life is, how lousy ur kids are as compared to some invisible others
soemtimes i think u are just mentally challenged... or maybe u are just too pampered by ur parents ...
or to put it simply... u don't know how to treasure...
why do i feel like i'm talking abt myself...
how i hate genes... how i hate my similar behaviour as u
did i tell u that u're daughter is just as freaking crazy as people who are suicidal
did i tell u that it is always when i quarrel with u that i feel like life is not worth living any more
u always think i don't care... u always say i'm selfish... who's the selfish one?
everything is always about how u feel, u feel hurt that we don't tell u things,
u feel hurt when we flare up, u feel hurt when we don't respect u...
problem is, do u deserve it? u think by having us in ur womb for a period of 9 months plus 17 years of providing me with the basic accomodations is enough to justify this crap? u are so damn wrong...
u always treat me like a kid... both of you always do... i get calls from u like almost 2 to 3 times at least if i go out with my friends...
i have to describe to u the most detailled details like what time i reached that place, or what i did during my lunch break, or every single event that happened on that day...
i'm sorry do i sound overboard? the problem is i'm just pissed off & tired of you asking me to narrate to u what happened during that period of time in my life when u weren't around to witness it... and when i don't show interest or when i'm too tired to give u the exact details, u start whining & say that we're self centered & all rubbish
i'm amused... don't u do that to us too... flaring up for no reason at all when u are troubled with ur own kind of shit, screaming & yelling @ us like we're born to be ur punchbags... is that part of repaying you as well? to be ur personal punchbag?
then what are we? what the hell generation do u think we live in? kampong century? where results don't matter? there is not much cca stuff for u to fret about, where people during that time were more simple minded? WAKE UP! damnit... i just feel that u're childish, wishing for things that never exist, hoping that u're live in a condo or some other crap like wishing u were richer than u already are... who's the materialistic one?
i don't understand... why can u make errors that i can't? why can u commit every single mistake that u tell us not to do but u just blatently do it as if u were given the right because of ur priviledge as a parent?
everyone is suffering, everyone has their own problems... i just wish u cld know that... don't think that u're oh so heroic by seemingly bearing all the shit of the household... u're not the only one who fret...
i just wish u could just wake up... and stop being such a kid...

曾经听过人家说外国的月亮总是比自己国家的圆
我觉得还是四德的的天空最令我着迷。。。
我很累，我不想一直催促自己前进，因为我知道，我越想去接受，就更会去找借口，更会抗拒
顺期自然，船到桥头自然直。。。
我发现，在南洋就会很不自在，很注重自己的形象
在四德，我要如何的去疯狂，如何的去尖叫，没人去管，因为这已经是我们的文化，轰轰烈烈的，毫不保留，毫无拘束。。。
就像我们现任的四德的校长所说的，我们对生命的热诚，是多么的强烈呀！
虽然今天的GRAD NIGHT，我只认识少数的人，但也不觉得很尴尬，也不觉得自己是多余的，因为我已经把这里当成是我第二个家了。。。

我不认识你。。。我认识你。。。我不认识你。。。

random thoughts again... if u feel bored, pls leave...
it isn't my job to entertain u, i wasn't a born entertainer
>>i thought i saw u today.... i haven't talked to you since u graduated like 3 years ago...
all the promises about keeping in touch... we had our lives to live...
i kept staring at the person who looked like you... and i felt... hmmm....
i wanted to go forward and asked if she was who i thought she was....
but my courage failed me...
>> i kept thinking about what u said... that i treated you like others, that i am cold to you...
i wonder how much of what you said is true... or it's jus another of ur stupid plans to make urself appear like u're the enemy of the world... well... basically u are to everyone except ur princess...
i dun noe why i keep thinking... i'm just amuse... because usually people wld drift apart... only u were desperate to keep it going...

bad day... i have headache and black eyes now due to lack of sleep...
come fry me

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

am supposed to be having lunch break and studying my hong lou meng at the "request" of my mother...
i spent half an hr at the arrowana breeding pond... it felt nice to be alone and know that u are alone...
i've been addicted to old & outdated songs recently... don't ask me why...
i feel hmmm... peaceful? i don't know...
i have a upcoming camp which i don't feel like going...
just tired...
i read an article recently tt said ppl with exptreme mood swings are ill... i wonder if mine is extreme enuff...
i'm normal now... cheers!
i'm me....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

religion...
what does it mean to me?
i think i've asked myself this countless times...
sometimes i think i don't need it, sometimes i just feel that i'm not ready to accept any religion yet...
i just feel that there isn't a need to restrict myself to any beliefs... i just take up those that i like, discard those that go against my own values..
however the bad thing is that because u define ur own rules & values, u might lose urself sometimes... and then you would be as lost as before...
are people with a religion happier? i have yet to find a person who has the same answer to this as me....
i am my own master... :)
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

说好了　不回头　不想承诺
缘份尽了　你别过头　如果还有什么　值得我逗留
我想是你　爱过我　只是路　无尽头　都是路过
什么感受　我能带走　眼泪可以不流　心碎不能救
看我能否得自由　当我松开你的手
一些风沙哽住眼眸　爱你最后一幕却模糊带过
不让疼痛有路追究　我不后悔我霭爱过
只是天涯从此寂寞　远去的渡口　彼岸的灯火
人在河流只许漂泊　我不后悔被你爱过
只是不能爱到最后　短暂的幸福　拥有就足够
只要舍得　就会快乐　会快乐


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

munching on chocolate and bloggin while in office... since i'm nt going to be paid durin my lunchtime, why work...
gahx...
didn't manage to get to airport to send faith off... i'm stupid
meanwhile... shall continue to slack
simin bloggin frm qian hu fish farm office at 12.40pm
life sucks

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i'm overweight!!! ghax.... holidays make me lazy... i've been camping in front of the computer almost everyday... bad...

christmas coming... lol... should i make a wish list? haha... for the fun of it!

simin's wishlist
1. contact lenses!
i just love these things... it's the most troublesome thing in the morning but it's one of the best to not make you look like a nerd... u feel at ease too
2. shaman king comics...
i love yoh... lolx
3. get my tv repaired
4. drive a car / go karting..
i'm sorry but i think i'm supposed to be a guy...
5. to go travelling
6. to love & be loved
7. to be a better person, better in everyway, to love more hate less, to better manage my time, emotions
8. that my grandma will either get well soon, or have a happy depature into afterlife... i love u... >.<
9. to keep in close touch with my friend, those in cedar & those that i've known in NYJC... to learn to treasure
10. to see you smile...

i realised my list is never ending... this is bad.. shall i summarise it?

simin's summarised wishlist
1. contact lens & repaired tv
2. to learn to love, to let go....
3. to better manage my life...

wadever... i suck at making wishlishes... cus i wish for too much...

grandma is in bad condition... hmmm... ok... not bad... i just feel that she's fading away... the good thing is tt her brain is still quite aleart... *cries*
i dun noe.... last time when my maternal grandma wasn't feeling well, i bought a tiny plant & made a wish.... that if the plant grow well my grandma will be well, now i'm just hoping that all will be well...
it's a matter of time... that's what my dad & mum are saying... they say it as if it is nothing... but i feel that they're hiding something...
i can only hope and hope that she will feel okay... as long as she is happy, as long as she doens't suffer all this pain, whatever she chooses, i'll....

i'm just being stupid... wishing for this and that...

i thought i had found the answer today.... i thought....
maybe i didn't have to think deeper into anything, everything is as simple as what my friend has explained... why did i have to consider the fact that he was pitiful & didn't have any friends or whatever crap that i found out or have been told...
there is a reason for everything... there is a BIG FAT WARNING SIGN which i ignored... now i suffere the consequences...
it's not that bad actually... if i learnt something from this... if i know how to make a clean break...
this is something that i have been teaching my friend to do, but i ended up with the same problem and committing the same mistakes... ironic huh...
i think i know the way to walk... i'm just afraid that this will not turn out to be the right way, or that i might just go haywire..
just feel very depressed suddenly...
tiredd...
who cares when i cry, who cries when i die... hur hur... it rhymes but it's lame

SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP....

confiding is nvr easy... no one said it was, only you though it was easy, you said it like it's a piece of cake & you though trust is an easy thing too...
sometimes i feel that u are full of bullshit, full of promises but it's just empty talk.. i don't know how i got to know you...
you lament about the world, like it's against you.... the problem now is, who is pitting against who, the world against u? or u against the world?
i'm sick & tired of u and ur bullshit... i'm sick & tired of acting like nothing matters
i'm sick & tired of laughing & end up being called insane by the others...
fuck u... u are the cause of all this...fuck u....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Got this frm a email.... it's nice... :)

Schs... Remember these? Well, This really brings back so much memories. For those who studied in Singaporean primary schools... Remember these? Heartwarming & a little funny... the things we used to do...
50 things for Singaporean teenagers. Sit,enjoy and think back about the past...Were you one of these?

1. You grew up watching He-man, Transformers, Silver hawk & Mickey Mouse. Not to forget, Ninja turtles & Smurfs too.

2. You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in Primary school during recess time. You will squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a coloured mug. The teachers said you must brush each side10 times too.

3. You know what's Bin(1) Fen(1) Ba (1) San(1) is all about.

4. You know what SBC stands for.

5. You were there when the first chinese serial, the Awakening was shown on TV.

6.Internet? What the hell is that? So you thought a decade or more ago.

7. You find your friends with pagers and handphone cool in Secondary school.

8. SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned. The bus seats are made of wood & the cushion is red.! The big red bell gives a loud BEEEP! when pressed.There are colourful tickets for TIBS buses. The conductor will check for tickets by using a machine which punches a hole on the ticket.

9.Your favourite actor and actress is Huang Wenyong & Xiangyun. Next is Lee Nanxing & Zoe Tay & the Aiyoyo woman.

10. You've probably read Young Generation magazine. You know who's Vinny the little vampire and Acai the constable.

11. You were there when they first introduced MRT here. You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.

12. Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50

13. Gals are fascinated by Stra! wberry Short Cake & Barbie Dolls.

14. You learn to laugh like The Count in Sesame Street.

15. You longed to buy tibits called Kaka(20 cents per pack) & Ding Dang(50 cents per box), tt had a toy in it and it changes every week not forgetting the 15 cents animal crackers & the ring pop, where the lollipop is the diamond on the ring.

16. You watched TV2(aka Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.

17. All that you know about Cantonese is from the Hong Kong serials you watched on TV2.

18.Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five & Secret Seven are probably the thickest story books you ever thought you have read. Even SweetValley High & Malory Towers.

19.Civics & Moral Education was "Hao3 Gong1 Min2".

20. KFC used to be a high class restaurant that serve food in plates & let you use metal forks & knives.

21. The most vulgar thing you said was asshole & idiot & THE MOST EXTREME WAS 'super white'...you just couldn't bring yourself to say the hokkien relative.

22. Catching was the IN thing and twist the magic word.

23. Your English workbooks was made of some damn poor quality paper tt was smooth & yellow.

24. CDIS was your best friend.

25. The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixellised characters in 16 colours walking abt trying to teach u maths.

26. Waterbottles were slinged around your neck & a must everywhere u go.

27. Boys loved to play soccer with small tennis balls in the basketball court or play something tt uses tennis ball to hit other players known as "HUM TAM BOLA" during recess /after school

28. Hopskotch, five stones,chateh & zero point were all the rage with the girls & boys too...

29. Science was fun with the balsam & the angsana being the most impt plants of our lives.

30. Who can forget Ahmad, Bala, Sumei & John, eternalized in our minds from the txtbks. Even Mr Wally.

31. U did stupid exercises like seal crawl & frog jumps.

32. Every children's day & national day u either get pins or pens with 'Happy Children's Day 1993' or dumb files with Happy National Day 1994'.

33. In Primary 6 u had to play buddy for the younger kids like big sister & brother.

34. Chinese teachers were always old, boring & damn fierce looking.

35. Ur form teacher taught you maths, science & english.

36. The worksheets were made of brown rough paper of poor quality.

37. U went to school in slippers & a raincoat when it rained, & u find a dry spot in the school to sit down, dry ur feet, & wear ur dry & warm socks & shoes.

38. Famous Chinese singers were only Jacky Cheung, Andy Lau, Aaron Kwok & Leon Lai

39. School dismissal time was normally ard 1 pm.

40. There would be spelling tests & mental sums to do almost everyday.

41. Ur friends considered u lucky & rich if ur parents gave u $3 or more for pocket money everyday.

42. During class gatherings, parents always tag along in case someone gets lost at Orchard Road.

43. U freak out when the teacher tells u to line up according to height & hold hands with the corresponding boy or girl.

44. Handkerchiefs were a must for both genders

45. Collecting notebooks & all kinds of stationery was a popular thing.

46. Autograph bks were loaded with "Best Wishes", "Forget Me Not", & small poems like "Bird fly high, hard to catch. Friend like you, hard to forget".

47. Class monitors & prefects loved to say "U talk somemore, I write ur name ah!"

48. There were @ least 40 people in one class.

49. Large, colourful schoolbags were carried.

50. You brought every single bk to sch, even though there was one thing called the timetable.

..:: end ::..

剑煮酒无味 饮一杯为谁
你为我送别 你为你送别
胭脂香味 能爱不能给
天有多长 地有多远
你是英雄 就注定无泪无悔
这笑有多危险 是穿肠毒药
这泪有多么美 只有你知道
这心没有你活着可笑
这一世英名我不要
只求换来红颜一笑
这一去如果还能轮回
我愿意来生作牛马
也要与你天涯相随

红颜....胡彦斌唱地...听了很感动,可能是那歌声好听,也可能是歌词写得好
me & xj talked abt BGR and stuff... kinda of lame... i think i was trying to convince him that R is a bian tai.. lol... but he agreeded with me in the end... so i rox... R sucks.. lol
tml i need to find teacher... gahx..
my sis said tt my cedar junior suddenly asked her for my email. i'm surprised tt someone even bothered to ask lol... i wasn't really popular among my CCA, and i dun think i was being idolised as well.. haha.. cedar has this culture of idolizing seniors... i know i know.. i used to idolise my senior too... hehe...
LEP project.... lby say our group very not motivated... the problem is. DO I CARE? lol.... haha... no... i just wanna revise which i had not been able to. stupid me
penknife... this word keep appearing in mind...
i just want to love and be loved... haha... i know i am loved :)
btw, did i tell u, i DO have a image, which is not to have a image at all...
in case u didn't noe.. i also realised that there are also ppl who are damn dumb...
my sis came back from her sabah trip, and she said that one of her campmates ask the airhostress for a pad so loudly that everyone in that area (i must say it's quite a big area too.. lol!) was looking at her... poor sis, have to sit beside such a weirdo...
oh yar. & someone said my sis looked like bae yong jun.. i just conclude that the girl is just desparate and has lesbianic tendancies... haha..
whee... cranky now... wanna slp... take care ppl
i know what i'm doing for now... i think
MUAHAHA

XXX XXXX XXXX should go & die! URGH! someone pls tell her to go to hell... first it is no home clothes, now u give me 2 hrs to bbq.. pls eat shit!
reasons for me hating to organise bbqs, especially for a class whom i'm not close to is that the most unimaginable things crop up..
nvm... now i shall plan with weihao the exco bbq... at least we wun be doing shit... GAHX
did i tell u, ppl who make use of me suck as well... and the problem is i stupidly let them do it... thank me and my genius IQ
DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

current status...: half dead...
it's freaky sometimes... to be able to know what the other person is thinking and what he or she might do... cus u never know how this ability to "see" might be used against u...
soemtimes u try to hard to understand the things around u, ending up complicating relationships than it already is...
i used to think that i could trust in you not to do what others did to me, but in the end u broke it... now i trust no more... nothing is as simple as it seems... there is never a thing as simple as what you see...
after saying all theses, it may be that it all ends up in one word, "choice". so what is this choice given to you... what do you do with it? to choose to believe in the surface of things & stay happy? afterall, ignorance is bliss... or to look deeper than the surface, and discover the ugly truths & hurt yourself in the process...
i used to form alot of conlcusions about people, now i can't be bothered... i just wanna stay neutral... even if i do hate the person, i'll try to forget the conclusions i came up with that person... or try to make these feelings dormant...
dormant... that's what i am feeling now...
i used to think that people who talk about love 24/7 have no life at all.... i still do...
i used to think that as we grow older and step into society, we'll meet alot more odd shapes and in different colours, shapes and sizes... i still do
i used to think guys are a weird speices who are mostly desperate to have a gf... i still do... for most ppl! MUAHAHA
did u find me contradicting... haha.. that's how life is, that's how we, as part of this whole "LIFE" is also affected...
i have yet to read the online bible... though the first part i read was interesting...
mind games... we play them all the time... or maybe i play them... that's why i feel jaded... it's sick i noe.... haix...but that's my mind... >.<
gd nitex... or rather...good morning...
i saw my frens nick... it's nice... harhar.. see ya

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i think miaoyu's blog makes me think... haha... which means i haven been thinking properly or haven been thinking for the past few weeks...haha
anyway, faith says it's more sincere if i write crap on my entry... haha... which gives me the conclusion that my crap makes ppl feel that i'm sincere. so if i'm nt crapping den what do ppl think of me?
i also realised recently that i will get very very HIGH if i get myself overloaded on sugar or carbohydrates...MUAHAHA
btw have u tried playing maple story while listening to classical music... like killing snails while listening to a piano piece? i think it makes u feel like psycopath.. heh... i'm just cranky... paiseh
oh yar, i created a new domain too! many thanks to jasmine darling aka echizen jasmine.. it's called true-north.de.. although i have no idea what to do with it now... cus i'm to drained to do anything photoshopping or webdesigning with dreamweaver *smiles sleepishly @ jasmine :P*
i wonder if i would be happier if my class was 05s5c? or if i didn't have any class at all & will be alone most of the time.. haha... i bet i would still be a loner if i changed to other classes...
btw, i dun look like loner meh? haha.. even wilson thinks i'm a loner... haha... it's nice to have a change... especially when i used to think that i was a social butterfly...
what do i need to reflect about my life now that i have nt?
my school work
1. to work much much harder... focus on studies and throw everything out of ur mind... priority shld be placed HERE!

my friends
1. to do my best to help but also at the same time understand my limits, of my need to live a normal life, to know my limits, to know that there are many things beyond my control, that i should learn to let go at appropriate times... to learn not to worry but instead to do something else more worthwhile

2. to accept people as who they are, some ppl just can't help behaving or thinking that way. we have no right to force them to accomodate to ours as much as we don't like them forcing us to accept their beliefs as well. they have the right to talk about their interest, life, hobby and most imporantly their religion. as long as i have a clear stand of what i want in my life and not let myself be affected by those around me, i shall not intervene others of promoting their beliefs.

my life
1. to let go of things that are in the past... to learn to trust and love... to learn to not give up... to learn that nothing is impossible
2. to count my blessing constantly, so that i may not neglect those who care for me, so that i shall not think of life & death as a game
3. to have a healthy lifestyle... dun sleep late :)

guess that's all... drained... shall sleep... bon nuitte... wadever... i dun noe french..haha!

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

this is my nice crap for my class NE... the best crap i've written since i was born! WHEEE.. hahaha....

National Education – Learning Journey for 05A7A

Field trip to Qian Hu Fish Farm

Our class will be going to Qian Hu Fish Farm located at 71 Jalan Lekar, Agrotechnology Park. Our class will be able to come into close contact with nature and also learn about the history of Qian Hu Fish Farm and how it was set up.
Qian Hu’s rich history will allow my classmates to see that success does not come easily and that we have to learn from set backs in order to reach our goals. This coincides with the NE message No one owes Singapore a living and that we have to depend on ourselves to contribute to Singapore’s economic success.

wheeee...
i need to plan for bbqs!! one for class one for me lian lian & eugene den still need to go find more ppl...hahaha
i need to go see teacher on thurs... HOD summore... though i'm nt scared of teachers or wadever, and i noe i'm nt going to die, this thing is still constantly on my mind...
i need to study too
this entry is bimbotic but i dun care...
btw i realised a similar theme for the dreams that i have been having since... hmm... i dun noe when
the themes of my dreams are
1. freedom
this mainly include having the ability to fly, the most embrrassing thing would be to try to squeeze my... erm... plum body out of my house window... and obvious i can't get out... but other times i would just be flying... these are the best dreams!
other than that, is to be jumping on the matress and can bounce to great heights... kinda of fun since my parents forbid me to jump on the matress when i was young, i guess i had to do it in dreams then. lolx
2. escape/running away
i dun noe why but in most of my dreams... i would be running away, from both people i know and people i don't know...
my entry is lame...

i wonder if people with different religions mix well together... *my father is playing with my brother's toy..haha...*
it's great to have people like weilian aka my darlin to remind me of the things in life that i fail to treasure, to remind me of what friends are for
like faith whom i can talk to abt the philosophies of life
like jasmine whom i can fangirl, talk abt our common interest!
like HL milk and my whole clique
i guess i can't grumble with all these wonderful ppl ard me
haha! i shall continue counting my blessings!
thanks ppl & take care... i will stay happy too!

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i should start doing self evalution

value of my daily expenses for 17 years, including basic necessasities, materialistic satisfaction, spiritual fulfilment
= priceless

value of my life
= worthless

hurhurhur...
so tired... haha... me not going bbq cus my darling jasmine not going... hahaha... wheee... i'm so drained of energy.... muz bring hong lou meng with me to my bed... then mum will think i fall asleep while studying... haha
kahhui is looking for a new job... good... i have one less worry...
i haven talked to faith for like hmmmm a week? haha... her clothes and time table is with me... gahx
haven talked to ee hui for a long time too...
i'm just drained of life philosophies and crap....
i wonder if anyone kills themselves out of boredom... haha... that will be amusing...


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

曾经答应的,曾经的承诺,我无法守着,曾经的我,还很天真, 曾经的我....
愧疚，但就只懂得怎么感到内疚....
我知道知己无能,在成绩方面也搞不好,友谊方面也是一塌糊涂...
你总是觉得自己没人关心,没人爱护,如果我有办法,我一定会让你知道,其实,你一直是我的牵挂... 是使我最放不下心的....
曾经问过自己,如果当初没碰见你,自己现在会不会那么痛苦,我至今无法找到答案,因为你的痛苦,也成为了我生活的一部分....
你曾经说过了很多话,让我感到很痛心... 我至今还记得一清二楚,不知道为什么,就是无法忘掉...
我... 很傻吧?
every single day, i would ask myself who do i live for... what do i live for... the past? or the memories? or the future?
my results are like shit.... my life is like shit... i can't study... i dun noe why.... which pisses me off tremendously....
i just want my life back.... is that too much to ask?
everyday i keep comparing my life to what it used to be... asking myself how i would deal with this situation if it had happened last time... why am i doing this?? why do i even want to do this?
can't i depend on my present self for strength? why do i need the past to make decisions for me? why do i need my past to push me forward?
it's just this sense of frustration... this sense of anger... that everything is just working against me... WHY ISN'T ANYONE LISTENING?! WHY??????
why isit so hard to understand? to feel that someone cares? we wallow in self pity everyday, saying that what others have is better than what u currently have.... the thing is are u even sure? what about the things u have? do u even know u have it? or it has come to u so easily that u have forgetten it's mere existence?
WHO AM I NOW? really? i'm just a emotional wreck... sustained by insanity & a false image...
i can't confide.... i suddenly lost the urge or even the will to confide... sometimes i feel that the whole world is plotting against me.... that everyone is hatching a evil plan... that everyone is scheming to do something.... i question their motives.... i question every single thing they do... i feel so out of control...
don't ask me why... is there a reason for every tear?
am i even mentally sound? i don't really know....
i'm tired... of trying to find who i really am... maybe i am defined by my friends.... maybe i feel lost when they're not around... maybe i dun even have a definition of myself at all
maybe it's because i made a promise this time not to let go... maybe i didn't make that promise in the past...
she called me on the phone one day.... we both cried... and she just said, i'm scared... of who i will become... whatever i become next year, please be there for me... i said u didn't have to ask... i promised her... but we just drifted apart... how come the same thing isn't happenin now? what happened? why are there so many things i can't let go...
how much courage does it take to live, how much does it take to die?

weilian... thanks for being there...
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

NEW SELF MADE BLOGSKIN!!
many thanks to myself and a big humongous HUGS to my dear jasmine for helping me the html code and stuff... i love JASMINE! MUACKS!

today i went jasmine's hse and we did a lesson plan for friday! wheeeee... can't wait!

how much of others do u understand... how much do u think others understand u...
it's a 2 way thing.... how much u try to understand, how much u let others understand...
there are times u think that u are a know all piece of crap and act as if u are on top of the world
there are times when u feel that everyone is just some foreign object no matter how much attempts u make to understand them, u just can't... then u end up feeling all alone, despair...
u wonder if anyone cares, u feel abandoned, u feel like the world doesn't matter much to you any more...
this.... is the mentality of a emotional girl...
it sucks when ur emotions get the better of you.... i dun believe it when they say u should just cry it out when u feel depressed... maybe it's this image i wanna maintain... ever smiling, ever insane & high high high...
should we even try to maintain a image? or should we be just who we really are inside? i've meet people who are quiet, reserved & what others would usually describe as a introvert... but inside them are souls who yearn for this carefree feeling as much as we do, it's just that they don't know how.... they don't dare to try
it's after i befriend them that i realised that some of them are actually more crazy than me if given a chance to, that they can better represent and understand the word carefree than my own interpretation.
why are we so concerned about the image thing? why are we so eager to package ourselves into perfect products of the society, to sell ourselves to companies. to smile and cough only at appopriate times. to have dining etiqutte. what wrong with uncivilised? at least people are more direct, less scheming.
"you are the crazy side of me" my best friend wrote that in my autograph book.... till this day i still remember...
sometimes i just wish i was more simple minded.... sometimes my thoughts scare me... sometimes i'm so freaked out by the complicated relationships between people that i prefer not to have friends at all.... sometimes i'm so grossed out by how much influence one can have by bootlicking teachers, the extremes they go to to please them, that whatever they say to the teachers holds so much weight that it could crush those they directed their words to.
sometimes i do things so unthinkable... that i can basically classify myself under the same category as those bootlickers whom i hate...
dont' trust me... i might betray u one day... i'm so ironic...

he neglects his health, he didn't spare a thought for others feelings, especially that of his parents....
he thought he did but he didn't.... it's really sad, especially with him insisting that this is the best and maybe the only way where he can solve the problem...
u can't call him selfish, because what he did was for the sake of the family. he felt that this is the best way to make up to the family, for being such a burden to the family with his ill health causing his parents much trouble... yet...
i talked to my teacher... i just hope a few days later is not too late...
i hate being stuck in situations where i feel helpless, being unable to help and just only being able to wait... all i can do now... is to pray that u will be fine, that u will come to see that u are not only responsible to urself but also to ur family & friends as well. if u truly care for others, pls take care of urself before u care for others...

me went out with jasmine today, abandoned her when a insane man came up and started demanding for "donations"... yesh! and our dear jasmine had such a interesting way of dealing with them that i'm just so impressed at her patience and that she even bothered to be kind to them. i would maybe just hurl vulgaraties or start saying NO THANK U I"M NOT INTERSTED and then force him to take back his damn unhygenic clipboard and just walk off... i therefore conclude that jasmine is very very kind cus shld that guy have approached me, u would see me in the news tml fighting with a dumbass

yes and both of us got a very good haul... haha...cus jasmine got her long lost CD-Rs and shaman king manga keep popping up in shelves for me!!! so magical! *FLAUNTS THE BOOKS to make jasmine jealous* lol!

i have lots of tots.... just too tired to pen it down... shall go read books.. byebye...
let me not think for a while~let me rest.....

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

MUAHAHA... blogspot is down.. gahx
i'm tired....i volunteered for baiyungang today... i have... erhum, big dreams, but a weak heart.. therefore, shall contemplate on whether to volunteer myself as an actress... hehehe... i'm acting like i'm a pro in acting skills... gahx
suddenly realised i like "gahx" alot, and my engrish sucks but i cant be bothered...
~

i realised that all this while, what i needed was not a solution,but more of a resolution...
because what i'm doing now is wrong, or to rephrase the sentence, is that i'm not progressing
i need to set a goal, cus i've lost one since exams, maybe it's because of my lousy grades that i don't really wanna think far
i keep questioning myself how the hell i'm gonna get into a uni with my sucky scraped through results
i keep asking myself if i did my best, what went wrong?
the answer was, i didn't know
in fact, that has been the answer to most of my questions that i posed to myself
therefore, i chose the route of self denial... all the way till today...
i don't know what i have to do.... i don't feel like doing anything
everything is like so impossible

oh well....
here's a newspaper article... enjoy!

“拼命三郎”任南初院长
潘星华
　　有“拼命三郎”之称的先驱初级学院创院院长郭毓川，将随每年年底掀起的“校长大风吹”行动，于12月15日调任南洋初级学院院长。
　　南洋大学1978年数学系毕业的郭毓川（50岁）在和他共事6年的女作家尤今口中，是一位行事如“闪电”、照顾人如“护垫”的院长。
　　尤今是先驱初院的华文教师。她以言简意赅而又传神的两个比喻概括了这位即将离开先驱到南初上任的上司。
　　她说：“同事们在公事上有任何困难，郭院长能以最短时间，最高效率，以闪电般的速度协助完成。同事们在私事上有任何困扰，他则会如铺在地上的护垫，保护你，开解你，让你感到温馨。”
　　她说，自2000年创院以来，郭院长把先驱初院创造成一所“五心”级的初院。
　　她所谓“五心”级，指的是“郭院长以恒心和耐心创造了这所爱心学院，让老师们安心工作之余，还开心地把学院当第二个家。”
　　16年前，34岁的郭毓川初任德贤中学校长，是当时最年轻的校长。就算6年前他出任先驱初院院长，也是当时最年轻的初院院长。16年掌校，在新加坡教育史上留下了很多至今仍然让人津津乐道之事。
　　上世纪90年代，他是第一个把安德逊中学从原排名21，带进全国十大，而且接下来还以排名第十、第七、第五，向前四大名校步步进逼的唯一邻里中学校长。回顾如今已经淡化的学校排名十多年的历史，他可说是异军突起，能攻破名校堡垒，在全国排名榜上最引人瞩目的校长。
　　安德逊中学优秀成绩来得绝非偶然，身为校长的他，每早6时半去爱迟到学生家敲门，喊他们起身。他承认自己是“拼命三郎”，并说“不拼命不行，只有拼命才能生存。”在他的拼命下，安德逊中学很快成了自治学校，顺利挤进“名校圈”。
　　2000年，先驱初院在“一无所有”情况下开学。750名新生在没有校服、校歌、校徽、校规下，进入一个充满了“千禧年挑战”的环境里。开学之初，他们必须立刻大动脑筋，发挥创意，分头决定这些重要事宜。
　　做为这所初院的开荒者，郭毓川说:“只有充满创意的人，才是千禧年的赢家。”他说得一点没有错。
　　他一直以把学校塑造成快乐的家为目标。他说：“我想，是受我在华义中学度过了快乐的6年中学生涯所影响吧。”
　　他同时坦然表示，办学应该一切以学生为主，学校必须全面地照顾学生身心的发展，而学生也应该对学校有归属感。
　　谈到去南洋初院上任，郭毓川说：“南初是一所有28年历史的学院，有很强的董事部、教师团队和校友会。这回我不是去开天辟地，而是去延续，去发扬光大，去更上层楼。”
　　他说，南初有华文语文特选课程，又有美术特选课程，对中学生非常有吸引力。
　　他说：“我希望读华文语文特选课程和美术特选课程的学生日后升学和就业，都能延续在初院所学的，不要离开初院后，从此和华文或美术两不相干。我可能会在这方面先做些了解与探讨。”
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come