it looks like i can't sleep early tonight again...

i feel betrayed... but i guess it's all because i choose to look at myself as the victim... when i wasn't even involved in anything, and i wasn't targeted or flamed...

i'm paranoid... i keep telling myself this... i'm just a freak paranoid & should just DIEDIEDIE...

the night isn't doing anything to make me feel better... i just feel a thousand times lonlier, a million times more stupid, and infinitely damned....

and those who should have felt more fortunate than the rest are complaining that the world is not giving them enough...

i don't think i've been through enough to warrant me all this pessimistic views...
i'm just not very rich, i have a intact family with my mum constantly whining and my dad being cool but weird sometimes and i have 2 sibilings whom i love very much... i have friends in school... not alot but few enough to make me feel like i live in heaven... i meet the same people that others meet too... i deal with relationship problems just like any other people would deal with... act dumb, tell lies, cry, run away... how am i different... how?

if i had a religion i'll most probably be cursing & swearing at somebody.... but now i'm just screaming into the emptiness.... i feel too much... i should just sell away my emotions... i love it.. it's so cool... u become so calm & logical, not affected by anything that is so trival & insignificant...

it's all because of me.... all this rubbish... am i supposed to be honoured? that i've become the invisible & unwritten reason contributing to the greater chaos? my feelings can't be wrong... u've just betrayed urself... & me... u've hurt me again & again & again... on countless occasions... & i feel so tired with you... all this guessing games to who is the real u... i play that with everyone i don't know ... i just can't imagine myself playing this game with u... u just made me do it...

i don't know what i see... and stupid faith is away in shanghai... haha... i've become so dependent on her for councilling for my unstable brain & emotions... i'm a bastard...

and admist all this... the only thing i desperately cling onto now is my kid bro who of all things i've encountered in this hell of a jc and it's people, the most angelic, naive, dependable & human...

i had actually thought i would be ready for anything... i'm not afraid of death & suffering... show me a picture of war & its atrocities & i hear people go ewww or cry for these people showing pity... i would just say so what? it's part of the world we live in... but maybe it has never hit so close to my heart before... people around me...

& to think i've thought u to be mature... i just saw another person whom i refused to see at first... i just see right through u...

~it's no use trying to assign names to those unnamed.... for they forever will be as they are... they will be those i wish to forget... those i wish to leave behind...