Thursday, June 29, 2006

if tomorrow never comes......

u know e song? u know u know?

so good rite, then a lvls will nvr come, even better, hcl paper will nvr come and haunt me with a big fat red F

it's so damn ironic. how i used to love chinese exams. now i dread it to e core. i'm nt even immune to failing yet. cus some part of me knows i can do better. but most of e time. i doubt myself.

my chinese suxs honestly. i cannot write in chinese, i cannot speak e chinese language. i am a displaced chinese national. i shld have been born in middle earth.

nxt time i'll start communicating in tamil. or maybe malay. tabuleh tahan larx.
so i get fucked up by my mum for playing computer games at this hr instead of studying.

i need a god damn it break.

for fucks sake i dun even feel like studying anymore.

i shld just drop out of sch, clean toilets, work as a prositute or smthing

i bet life wld be much better

and e worse thing is she always has to wake up when i'm playing, how come she doesn't wake up when i'm studying. psyhcic arh?

go eat shit & die honestly, she's going to rant abt this until i finish my exams and if i dun do well, which is a definitely, i'll get fucked up by this shit head again.

and u know what. i know that i've studied harder, but it's still not hard enough

am i fuckingly making any sense?

e sch shld just kick me out & then i'll go to some high rise flat & jump to my death

it's not fair those clever brains in rjc and other top schs love studying so much & score so well. it just happened tt ppl have different interest. some like studying, some like playing computer games. so studying is made "legal" can't they do so for computer games?

fuck fuck fuck. simin pls fuck up and die. if u gather enough courage one day, just jump down e window god damn it.

i'm ranting.fucker

this is so freaking funny. this guy from cctv giving e soccer commentary starts screaming when italy scores. and he does it twice for a good couple of seconds. it's so funny listening to him screaming on china national tv.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Making Memories Of Us

Making Memories Of Us
I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my own word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother
And I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been


We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way
I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now

And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust makin' memories of us
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust makin memories of us

awwww nicole & keith urban's married! isn't tt sweet? i love e both of them. that guy sings great songs too. i found his songs by accident & kinda of addicted to it now...

life sucks anyway. i need to look forward to e short break after e exams & get my mum a bday present. at least it shuts her up abt how ungrateful we are... okok... i just want to surprise her. meanwhile, i need to study hard. my mum's pressurising me abt my results.... i need to study so much harder too....

sometimes i think i shld have died on tt day.
when e guy flew down frm the window & fell a short distance away frm me.
i shld have just died.
my blogskin is screwed....

so is my life

sometimes it's just better to stick to what u're given...

Monday, June 26, 2006

i received a msg frm an unknown number today... it looked kinda of familiar but i couldn't recall whose number was it.

the msg was smthing like this:
hey guys, jia you for your mid years! i'll be rooting for ya.

i thought it was sent by my form teacher but it sounded too informal.

feeling touched i wanted to msg back saying
thanks! may i know who is this?

but i decided to check my contact list to be sure.

the name that appeared beside the number? hong kah hui........

Sunday, June 25, 2006

we just need ppl to wake up sometimes because we lack e willpower to

but sometimes u just wanna do things ur own way because some part of u knows that u're independent enought to do that. u hate ppl nagging at u because they are a constant reminder of how u've failed to exercise self control.

u want to grow up. u hate nagging because that belongs to childhoods, to a weak & defenceless & helpless child who cannot make decisions for himself & needs to be taught how to do it.

my brother is such a fucking god damn it freaking bastard.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


inquisitive minds, flawless, innocent & pretty little things....

Friday, June 23, 2006

two of what?

taken frm aman

ok i think that is so warped. lolx
i died for gp
i wonder what am exactly am i good at, english used to be my strongest language, followed by chinese. now i'm struggling with both...
u feel so lost. like u've lost u're identity somewhat....
what are u good at now?


Thursday, June 22, 2006


i just found a website on nyjc. it's e dragon boat's webpage & for once i'm giving positive reviews on something done by the nyjcians... it's nice. :D

tml's gp, & i haven finished my revision. *panicks & foams*

People only see what they are prepared to see.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
fry me in a frying pan....

ok tt was random....

exams exams....

i realised i have not really taken much photos during my entire 2 years in nyjc. sad. it means i'm going to forget everything has have happened here won't i? i mean photos tend to immortalise special moments. don't they?

i love the toilet bowl

that was random again

how many times in life have we done something random?

like talk to a stranger on e street? smiled at someone living in ur block? hugged ur brother for no rhyme or reason?

we need more random stuff, instead of going in circles. instead of following in paths already taken. we need to break out of cycles. we need to walk our own ways. we need to believe in something more.

i love pretty faces & i miss my long hair.

sometimes we stop short of telling someone that u love them. or maybe even say something as cheesy as have a great day. but these things are so rarely seen/heard now. with the reason being they are cheesy. i was sad when u said it didn't matter to u. i just wanted to slap u & tell u to be more positive. but maybe it's because i didn't know u well enough to comment on ur life. u didn't let me in, & i didn't bother to go in too.

we're so worn out. but what can we do?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

ohhhhhhh ppl love lord of the ringssss
my precioussssssssssssssssssss
i think i just went nuts suddenly searching for any article or video related to lotr
and there was this amazing easter video inside the dvd version of lotr. *foams* i swear i am so going to buy the dvd version after my As. and i'll sell my lotr vcds.

yeah & i had fun reading the trivia too. it was kinda of interesting, to get some insights or some gossips during the making of any movie.... heh heh heh

some tips to surviving this assholic world *does nt apply to hypocrites*

逢人只說三分話 未可全拋一片心




而是 有些話 你必須保留

而是 你不知道將來會發生什麼事.....
nt written by me. i got it frm someone's blog.

yeah... i guess that suddenly applies alot in my daily life doesn't it? ok i'm talking crap. toodles!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Trivia for The Lord of the Rings

Trivia for The Lord of the Rings

Legolas's arrows in the final battle are computer generated. It would not have been physically possible for the most gifted archer to fire off so many arrows so quickly.

It is estimated that filming of the trilogy pumped about $200,000,000 into the New Zealand economy. The New Zealand government even created a Minister for Lord of the Rings, whose remit was to exploit all the economic opportunities the films represented.

During the Council of Elrond, leaves are continually falling in the background to suggest that this is a meeting that is taking place outside. This meant about half a dozen crew members were positioned above the set, dropping leaves at various intervals. This also meant that the production department had to collect sacks and sacks of leaves during autumn, and of course dead leaves turn brown fairly quickly. Which also meant that every single one of those leaves had to be individually painted.

During filming, most of the members of the Fellowship took up surfing in New Zealand in their spare time. Among them was Viggo Mortensen, who wiped out terribly one day, and bruised one whole side of his face. The next day, makeup tried to mask the bruising and swelling, but were unsuccessful. Instead, Peter Jackson opted to film Mortenson from one side for the entire scene. In the scene in the Mines of Moria when they find the grave of Gimli's relative, Aragorn is only seen from one side in the whole scene.

Christopher Lee reads "The Lord of the Rings" once a year and is the only member of the cast and crew ever to have met J.R.R. Tolkien.

Peter Jackson's two children are listed in the end credits as "Cute Hobbit Children".

Gandalf's painful encounter with a ceiling beam in Bilbo's hobbit-hole was not in the script - Ian McKellen banged his forehead against the beam accidentally, not on purpose. But Peter Jackson thought McKellen did a great job "acting through" the mistake, and so kept it in.

Viggo Mortensen kept his sword with him at all times off set so that he could remain in character. He was questioned several times by police after reviewing his training sessions with the sword and being spotted by members of the public.

When the firework blows up in Merry and Pippin's hands the high-pitched scream is actually Billy Boyd, who didn't know the firework was going to explode.

When Pippin is being hit with the apples after asking about second breakfast, it is Viggo Mortensen himself chucking the apple at his head. They had to shoot the scene 16 times to get it just right, and Billy Boyd says he believes Mortensen enjoyed himself immensely.

Gimli's line "Nobody tosses a dwarf!" was filmed after the "Toss me" line in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002).

Peter Jackson can be glimpsed outside the Prancing Pony holding a carrot. Originally it was supposed to be a pipe, but after a couple of puffs, he felt sick and went for the carrot instead.

When Gandalf has his big stand-off scene with the Balrog, Ian McKellen is actually acting to a ping pong ball.

The ironic part about the Fellowship mourning the loss of Gandalf was, at that point, none of the cast members had met Ian McKellen, let alone seen him dressed up as the wizard.

Sean Astin and Elijah Wood spent most of their scenes acting to an orange ping pong ball which was turned into Gollum in post-production.

When Gollum eats a whole fish, it's actually Andy Serkis chewing on a fish-shaped lolly.

The scene where Gandalf calls for his horse and Shadowfax comes galloping across the fields and straight up his master was achieved in the very first take.

The Dead Marshes were actually a water-filled parking lot, the same one that had doubled up for outside the mines of Moria in "The Fellowship of the Ring". Passengers in passing trains on the adjacent railway line were able to see Elijah Wood, Sean Astin and Andy Serkis performing onset.

The Main Door of Helm's Deep was built so heavily and so well that the real battering ram that was built to knock down the gates failed to do so until the door was weakened. Someone had built the door a little bit too well and Peter Jackson can heard on the Extended Edition DVD commenting that if they had to defend a castle, he would want the WETA workshop guys to build the door.

On the wall of Helm's Deep during the battle, a one-eyed warrior turns to the camera, revealing his scarred empty socket. The performer who played him showed up as an extra, wearing an eye patch; director Peter Jackson politely asked to see what was under the patch, and then inquired if the gentleman would be interested in appearing in the film sans eye patch. The gentleman was reluctant at first and quite self-conscious, but afterward said the experience had made him more comfortable with his condition.

Between takes, Brad Dourif stayed in character by continuing to speak with an English accent until all his footage had been completed. This was so convincing that, at the end, when he spoke with his normal voice again, Bernard Hill thought that his English accent was real and that his American accent must be fake.

Viggo Mortensen broke two toes while kicking the steel helmet by the orc pyre, and that take is the one that actually appears in the movie. Peter Jackson said that was really impressed with the shout of pain Aragorn cried out for the fate of the two hobbits, realizing only later that it was pain already, but for his two toes instead. He was also impressed by the fact that Mortensen continued acting even if so seriously injured.

To increase the number of Rohirrim riders, many of the "men" were actually women with beards glued on. Peter Jackson and others have noted that in many cases they were more skilled riders than the men.

Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan spent so much time up the tree (TreeBeard) during the making of the the film that they spent their time between takes writing a screenplay. Additionally, it was so difficult to get up and down to their "perches" that they were left there during breaks while the rest of the crew went off to eat, though someone was kind enough to pass theirs up to them.

There were so many extras used in the sequences at Helms Deep, and the filming went on for so many months that almost all the extras and principal actors got t-shirts reading "I survived Helms Deep". There were so many of these shirts that extras would often meet other extras in New Zealand's main cities because they would recognize the shirts.

The sound of the fell beasts that the ringwraiths ride is actually the noise of a donkey.

The scene with the Orcs before the Battle for Helms Deep starts, where they stomp their spears into the ground, was inspired by the same act the stuntmen would do between takes to pass time. After seeing it, Jackson liked it, and put it in the movie.

The dawn shot of Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas pursuing the orcs came about when Viggo Mortensen persuaded the second unit team to camp out on location. Mortenson's efforts in organizing the overnight trip were so effective that actors and crew from the other film units, including Miranda Otto, came out to join him.

One time while Bernard Hill was in England, a woman came up to him and told him about how one of her children had died shortly before then, and that parents shouldn't have to bury their child. His confrontation with this woman affected him so much that he asked to have a line put in about it.

Andy Serkis said he based Gollum's desperation and cravings on the withdrawals of heroin addicts.

For the Special Extended Edition, the scene in which Pippin is looking for Merry after the battle on Pelennor Fields was digitally altered so that it appears to be night instead of day. According to Peter Jackson on the commentary track, this was done to make it appear that Pippin has been looking for hours instead of minutes, underlining the friendship between the two Hobbits. In the original edit, because it appears that Pippin has only been looking for a few minutes his reaction to finding Merry seems like he's overreacting.

The Grey Havens scene had to be shot three times, much to the dismay of the actors, who had to be crying for most of the scene. On the first try, it was discovered in viewing the dailies that Sean Astin was wearing the wrong shirt under his cloak. After shooting the scene a second time, the negatives were inadvertently exposed to light during processing, causing a white haze over the entire day's footage. It was finally captured successfully on the third try.

Viggo Mortensen estimates that, during the course of filming the entire trilogy and including all takes, he killed every stuntman on the production at least fifty times.

For the scene where Merry and Pippin are smoking their pipes at Isengard, Dominic Monaghan (Merry) had to drink a glass of milk beforehand to keep himself from throwing up while smoking the pipe.

The end-credit portraits of each of the lead actors appearing alongside their name was the suggestion of Ian McKellen. The sketches were created by production designer 'Lee, Alan (II)' from production stills, although what is seen on the movie is actually a slight morph between the sketch and the original photograph.

In the scene when Denethor burns Faramir on the pyre, the pyre could not truly be on fire because Gandalf's horse would not go near it. To solve this, the crew reflected a real fire onto a pane of glass in front of the camera so that it looks as though the pyre is burning.

Dominic Monaghan was allergic to the elven cloaks the Fellowship wore. Before scenes were shot, Peter Jackson used to joke around and say "Are we ready to go? Does Dom have his cape on?"

Ian McKellen's first day of shooting on the trilogy was Gandalf's first scene, arriving in Hobbiton. His second day of shooting was Gandalf's final scene of the film, at the Gray Havens.

In the scene where the Hobbits return to Hobbiton, three of the hobbits had slight problems during the shoot. Elijah Wood had a hard time controlling his pony, Sean Astin was allergic to the ponies, and Dominic Monaghan was in a really bad mood because of technical aspects revolving around the scene. Billy Boyd was "in stitches" during the shoot.

To get enough extras for the Battle at the Black Gate, a few hundred members of the New Zealand army were brought in. They apparently were so enthusiastic during the battle scenes that they kept breaking the wooden swords and spears they were given.

To get the idea of perspective in the scene where Denethor drags and throws out Pippin from the burial chamber, Billy Boyd's double was dragged and rolled out. When the double hit him in the back, he popped up.

Viggo Mortenson and Billy Boyd were standing off-camera during Sam's wedding scene, pretending to be wedding guests in order to help Sean Astin's performance. After Sarah Mcleod threw her bridal bouquet to Boyd, Mortenson gave Boyd a passionate kiss. The filming of the scene (and the kiss) appear on the extended version extras.
a part of me so desperately wanted to believe in what u said despite all that has happened & crushed my faith
a part of me just dismisses this as completely naive, unscientific, narrow mindedness & unbelievable.

now the channel of communication is closed. i guess there can always be other ways to seek out what i truly looked for without experiencing all this trauma again..
or maybe even better, i think i've already found what i'm looking for.
maybe the answers came abit too easily, that i wonder if that is the true answer i'm looking for
but looking back at all the tears, immense pressure & things that i've sacrificed, i don't think this answers came easily to me at all.

it's actually kind of sad but till now because of this new mentality, i'm looking at some ppl's blog with a kind of disbelief & even feel a little bit of pity. maybe this is what's bothering me now
that this feeling of truimp & pity is so so wrong. because i'm starting to be like them, the people i hate. i'm starting to shut myself from all possibilities, & i'm starting to be blind to the others as well.

somehow when i kept saying to myself tt all these didn't matter, maybe my heart had told me otherwise. maybe it's because this is the first time i've been hurt so deep & so bad, that i've just becoming extra sensitive or just withdrawing frm even the simplest possibility.

there's a first time to everything, and maybe it is always the first times that is the most unexpected that u feel the most. because u are caught unaware, at ur most vulnerable...

maybe we just don't want to be hurt again.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The way is shut.
It was made by those who are Dead.
And the Dead keep it.
The way is shut.
Until the time comes.

"Home is behind, the world ahead,
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows to the edge of night,
Until the stars are all alight.
Mist and shadow, cloud and shade,
All shall fade. All shall... fade. "

Ai! laurië lantar lassi súrinen, 'Ah! like gold fall the leaves in the wind,
yéni únótimë ve rámar aldaron! long years numberless as the wings of trees!
Yéni ve lintë yuldar avánier The years have passed like swift draughts
mi oromardi lisse-miruvóreva of the sweet mead in lofty halls
Andúnë pella, Vardo tellumar beyond the West, beneath the blue vaults of Varda
nu luini yassen tintilar i eleni wherein the stars tremble
ómaryo airetári-lírinen. in the song of her voice, holy and queenly.
Sí man i yulma nin enquantuva? Who now shall refill the cup for me?
An sí Tintallë Varda Oiolossëo For now the Kindler, Varda, the Queen of the Stars,
ve fanyar máryat Elentári ortanë, from Mount Everwhite has uplifted her hands like clouds,
ar ilyë tier undulávë lumbulë; and all paths are drowned deep in shadow;
ar sindanóriello caita mornië and out of a grey country darkness lies
i falmalinnar imbë met, ar hísië on the foaming waves between us,
untúpa Calaciryo míri oialë. and mist covers the jewels of Calacirya for ever.
Sí vanwa ná, Rómello vanwa, Valimar! Now lost, lost to those from the East is Valimar!
Namárië! Nai hurivalyë Valimar. Farewell! Maybe thou shalt find Valimar.
Nai elyë hiruva. Namárië! Maybe even thou shalt find it. Farewell!'

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

“It is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him with the words, 'And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!”
~Abraham Lincoln

it's ironic how the person who constantly exposed me to the harsh realities of life can yearn for smthing so dreamlike & naive...

my mum was watchin dae jang geum today & then when we came to the part where min zheng hao proclaims his undying love for jang geum & promises to elop with her. i started sniggering (dun ask me y, i always snigger when ppl become mushy & stuff) & my mum with tears in her eyes, obviously touched by the "true" & "unselfish" love portrayed on screen asked me whether i thought this kind of life was better the current life we(just a generalisation) live in.

i stared at her for a while before i started tearing out my hair.
ok that was exaggerated but i started to smirk & said that's lame & continued sniggering at the 2 lovers on the screen.

i think e reason why ppl are extremely attracted to this kind of selfless love is because we live in a world devoid of adventure, threat like being poisoned by flying darts, sinking ships likle titanic. as in the action packed adventure filled with swords, fights etc.the scenes of a person hugging his dying lover after he fails to protect her in a fight & blahx. we rarely see love letters, nor knights in shiny armour.

we live in a world surrounded by money & all other weird inventions of the industralised century.

with the coming of a new century...

we are more direct. we dismiss subtlety. we don't have time for those lovey dovey things anymore. we kiss on the first date, even better, we already have sex on the first date. or maybe get married w/i weeks or months of knowing each other. slow is out of our way of life. it's discouraged, it's despised. slow learners are automatically classified as stupid. slow action points to retardedness. right, einstein was stupid & he created a weapon that could kill millions. damn right he's stupid.

we demand for equality of women, which is misunderstood or understood by many as women don't need men to protect them, women can do the stuff that men can do. not only do we want to supersede men in terms of intelligence, we also want to be stronger physically. we begin to see less gentleman around, because woman insist on being strong & independent. the commonly heard line of ladies first comes as a insult to a independent woman of the 21st century. in fact, the common discription of guys come in all forms ranging from gays, sissy, faggots, desperados to weakling. chivalrous doesn't come to my mind, nor have i heard it frm anyone to describe a guy. it's pathetic & it's kinda of sad too.

i think we become more warped as we evolve. things tt are nt accepted in the past are gradually being accepted now. kids can watch porn like nobody's business, vulgarities are spewed everywhere w.o restrain. we just want things to be direct, to be fast. maybe in that way, we're going to die faster soon. HURHUR

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

“To show pity is felt as a sign of contempt because one has clearly ceased to be an object of fear as soon as one is pitied.”~Friedrich Nietzsche

maybe not cease to be an object of fear but rather a person can be accorded the basic respect of a human being.

i realise that for me, pity seems to be a emotion that i will inevitably feel after i've finished hating a person or after i've given up hating a person. somehow i feel that e feeling of pity comes frm the self knowledge that i'm a notch superior than the other, thus i pity their inability to reach the lvl of enlightenment tt i've somehow attained. i pity them like a helpless creatures figuring their way around in a glass box with me peering down @ them, i pity them for their narrow mindedness, their inability to be receptive to idea that there is a bigger world out there, i pity them for their assumption that they already know everything there is to know abt the world.

maybe i just couldn't come to terms that the person i've loved turns out to be so different what i had thought she would be.

i used to hate e world alot. but when i grew up, i started pitying those around me who couldn't see the world the same way i did. then i started asking myself what made me think that my beliefs were correct & theirs wrong? in what aspect have i shown myself to be more mature when in many trying situations, i have crumbled more easily under stress & become emotional whenever things were not to what i've planned? who knows they might be looking at this disorientated schizo & pitying me for being such a weakling.

it's always amazing how we always think we're at e top of the world, hallucinating that everyone is trying to achieve the lvl of "attainment" we've reached, only to realise much later that we are actually very far behind....

i'm tired.... and there's a long way to go...

Monday, June 12, 2006

Beyond Good And Evil

Whether it is hedonism or pessimism, utilitarianism or eudaemonism - all these ways of thinking that measure the value of thing in accordance with pleasure and pain , which are mere epiphenomena and wholly secondary, are ways of thinking that stay in the foreground and naivetes on which everyone conscious of creative powers and an artistic conscience will look down not without derision, nor without pity. Pity with you - that, of course, is not pity in your sense: it is not pity with social "distress", with "society" and its sick and unfortunate members, with those addicted to vice and maimed from the start, though the ground around us is littered with them; it is even less pity with grumbling, sorely pressed, rebellious slave strata who long for dominion, calling it "freedom". Our pity is a higher and more farsighted pity: we see how man makes himself smaller, how you make him smaller - and there are moments when we behold your very pity with indescribable anxiety, when we resist this pity - when we find your seriousness more dangerous than any frivolity. You want, if possible - and there is no more insane "if possible" - to abolish suffering . And we? It really seems that we would rather have it higher and worse than ever. Well-being as you understand it - that is no goal, that seems to us an end , a state that soon makes man ridiculous and contemptible - that makes his destruction desirable .

The discipline of suffering, of great suffering - do you not know that only this discipline has created all enhancements of man so far? That tension of the soul in unhappiness which cultivates its strength, its shudders face to face with great ruin. its inventiveness and courage in enduring, persevering, interpreting and exploiting suffering and whatever has been granted to it of profundity, secret, mask, spirit, cunning, greatness - was it not granted to it through suffering, through the discipline of great suffering? In man creature and creator are united: in man there is material, fragment, excess, clay, dirt, nonsense, chaos; but in man there is also creator, form giver, hammer, hardness, spectator divinity, and seventh day: do you understand this contrast? And that your pity is for the "creature in man". for what must be formed, broken, forged, torn, burnt, made incandescent, and purified - that which necessarily man and should suffer? And our pity - do you not comprehend for whom our converse pity is when it resists your pity as the worst of all pamperings and weaknesses?

Thus it is pity versus pity.

But to say it once more: there are higher problems than all problems of pleasure. pain. and pity; and every philosophy that stops with them is naive.

Nietzsche, "Beyond Good And Evil", section 225
translated by Walter Kaufmann

Sunday, June 11, 2006

such is this song....

how can u listen to enya's 'book of days' & still cry? i think u must be nuts...

i think i am too...

that's why i said emotional freaks don't live long. they'll die of a heartbreak or some other crazy overwhelming emotions one day...
i just can't help it actually... it just reminds me of so many things...things that i'm holding on so tightly to....

i just dled x men 2 & 3. to hell with e cinema & their near $10 tickets. i rather watch it at home.

i am so tired, i just wish i can drop dead and die. which is so like me to run away from exams ain't i...

crap i am talking

Saturday, June 10, 2006


this is crap....
i realised that when i write in essays. i would usually write out the first & last sentence of the essay before going on to expand the content. my brain thinks weird....

some tips on good listening

The following attributes of good listening are suggestive of the skills needed. There is some overlap between the various attributes, but each suggests something different.

  1. Concentration. Good listening is normally hard work. At every moment we are receiving literally millions of sensory messages. Nerve endings on our bottom are telling us the chair is hard, others are saying our clothes are binding, nerve ending in our nose are picking up the smells of cooking French fries, or whatever, our ears are hearing the buzzing of the computer fan, street sounds, music in the background and dozens of other sounds, our emotions are reminding us of that fight we had with our mate last night, and thousands more signals are knocking at the doors of our senses. We have to repress almost all of these and concentrate on the verbal sounds (and visual clues) from one source - the speaker. And this concentration, if something that most of us have not been thoroughly trained in how to do.
    Focus your attention - on the words, ideas and feeling related to the subject. Concentrate on the main ideas or points. Don't let examples or fringe comments detract you. All of this takes a conscious effort.
  2. Attention. Attention may be defined as the visual portion of concentration on the speaker. Through eye contact (see below) and other body language, we communicate to the speaker that we are paying close attention to his/her messages. All the time we are reading the verbal and nonverbal cues from the speaker, the speaker is reading ours. What messages are we sending out? If we lean forward a little and focus our eyes on the person, the message is we are paying close attention.
  3. Eye contact. Good eye contact is essential for several reasons: First, by maintaining eye contact, some of the competing visual imputs are eliminated. You are not as likely to be distracted from the person talking to you. Second, most of us have learned to read lips, often unconsciously, and the lip reading helps us to understand verbal messages. Third, much of many messages are in non-verbal form and by watching the eyes and face of a person we pick up clues as to the content. A squinting of the eyes may indicate close attention. A slight nod indicates understanding or agreement. Most English language messages can have several meanings depending upon voice inflection, voice modulation, facial expression, etc. Finally, our eye contact with the speaker is feedback concerning the message: Yes, I am listening, I am paying attention. I hear you.
    Remember: a person's face, mouth, eyes, hands and body all help to communicate to you. No other part of the body is as expressive as the head.
  4. Receptive Body Language. Certain body postures and movements are culturally interpreted with specific meanings. The crossing of arms and legs is perceived to mean a closing of the mind and attention. The nodding of the head vertically is interpreted as agreement or assent. (It is worth noting that nonverbal clues such as these vary from culture to culture just as the spoken language does.) If seated, the leaning forward with the upper body communicates attention. Standing or seated, the maintenance of an appropriate distance is important. Too close and we appear to be pushy or aggressive and too far and we are seen as cold.
  5. Understanding of Communication Symbols. A good command of the spoken language is essential in good listening. Meaning must be imputed to the words. For all common words in the English language there are numerous meanings. The three-letter word, "run" has more than one hundred different uses. You as the listener must concentrate on the context of the usage in order to correctly understand the message. The spoken portion of the language is only a fraction of the message. Voice inflection, body language and other symbols send messages also. Thus, a considerable knowledge of nonverbal language is important in good listening.
  6. Objective We should be open to the message the other person is sending. It is very difficult to be completely open because each of us is strongly biased by the weight of our past experiences. We give meaning to the messages based upon what we have been taught the words and symbols mean by our parents, our peers and our teachers. Talk to some one from a different culture and watch how they give meaning to words. Or another listening challenge is to listen open and objectively to a person with very different political or religious beliefs. Can you do that? Really? It is wonderful if you can, but relatively few people can listen, understand and appreciate such messages which are very different from their own. If you cannot, it is time to start because as a leader you will need to understand a wide range of opinions on often-controversial subjects.
  7. Restating the message. Your restating the message as part of the feedback can enhance the effectiveness of good communications. A comment such as: "I want to make sure that I have fully understood your message...." and then paraphrase in your own words the message. If the communication is not clear, such a feedback will allow for immediate clarification. It is important that you state the message as clearly and objectively as possible.
  8. Questioning/Clarifying. Questions can serve the same purpose as restating the message. If you are unclear about the intent of the message, ask for more information after allowing sufficient time for explanations. Don't ask questions that will hurt, embarrass or show up the other person.
    Only part of the responsibility is with the speaker. You have an important and active role to play also. If the message does not get through, two people have failed the speaker and you as an active listener.
  9. Empathy - not sympathy. Empathy is the "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another...." Sympathy is "having common feelings..." (Merrian Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 10th edition) In other words as a good listener you need to be able to understand the other person, you do not have to become like them.
    Try to put yourself in the speaker's position so that you can see what he/she is trying to get at.
  10. Strategic Pauses. Pauses can be used very effectively in listening. For example, a pause at some points in the feedback can be used to signal that you are carefully considering the message, that you are "thinking" about what was just said.
  11. Don't Interject. There is a great temptation at many times for the listener to jump in and say in essence: "isn't this really what you meant to say." This carries the message: "I can say it better than you can," which stifles any further messages from the speaker. Often, this process may degenerate into a game of one-upmanship in which each person tries to out do the other and very little communication occurs.
  12. Leave the Channel Open. A good listener always leaves open the possibility of additional messages. A brief question or a nod will often encourage additional communications
  13. You can not listen while you are talking. This is very obvious, but very frequently overlooked or ignored. An important question is why are you talking: to gain attention to yourself? or to communicate a message?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Letting Go

    Letting go does not mean to stop caring;
    It means I can't do it for someone else.

    Letting go is not to cut myself off,
    It's the realization I can't control another.

    Letting go is not to enable;
    But to allow learning from natural consequences.

    Letting go is to admit powerlessness;
    Which means the outcome is not in my hands.

    Letting go is not to try to change or blame another;
    It's to make the most of myself.

    Letting go is not to care for; but to care about.

    Letting go is not to fix; but to be supportive.

    Letting go is not to judge;
    but to allow another to be a human being.

    Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome; but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

    Letting go is not to be protective;
    It's to permit another to face reality.

    Letting go is not to deny; but to accept.

    Letting go is not to nag, scold, or argue; But to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

    Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires; But to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

    Letting go is not to regret the past; But to grow and live for today.

    Letting go is to fear less and live more.

One of my favorite quotes, written by a monk circa 1100.

“When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”

i think the best assurance i can get frm my mum is her affirmation of a certain person or issue. i mean it's nt easy to come to a similar conclusion when u discuss issues with a person 40 years (ard there lar, i dun rmb her age) older than u. although i find her childish most of the time, her life experience is definitely more than me.
so yeah. she told me today that she concluded that my sch mate is idiotic, stupid & thinks too highly of himself/herself. i dun care if it's accurate or nt, as long as it's negative, it shows that my judgement of him/her is correct too. hurhurhur...
i think what makes the world so special & yet such a difficult place to live in, is because of the diverse views & beliefs of the world held by each & every one of us.
it is this diversity that makes it so difficult to achieve complete unity. the reason why we can generally live in peace with each other is because of accomodation, understanding & respect of other's beliefs. somehow this 3 values maintain the status quo of this soceity & if one fails to demonstrate any of the above values, one will definitely incur the irritation of others.

it's nt abt what u think is the best for the other person. if u put it in a nicer way, it's to show how selfless & thoughtful u are towards the other person's needs. to put it in a more direct way, u are assuming what u think is best the person, assuming the person cannot think for himself, assuming the person cannot differentiate what is good for himself & what is not. in other words, u don't even respect him/her as a person who can think for what is best for himself/herself.

each of us have our own lives to live. we don't live other's lives. we can't expect ppl to change for us. we can only change for them. we cannot expect ourselves to change people. we can only be a model of the changes we wish to see in others. everything starts frm u alone. if u're unable to even reform urself then u can forget about others following u.

i think one of the best values i've learnt frm my close friends, is nt to pass judgements too quickly or to give too much comments on what others may think. we do gossip, we do snigger at some stupid errors some ppl but that remains at that. we don't go around asserting onto others & expect others to accept our views. they teach me to be rationale, to not to rush into conclusions abt things too quickly, to be understanding towards the needs of others, they teach me to love others as who they are, not who they will become or who they used to be.

Proverbs 17:27-28 (NIV)
“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.”

this song keeps playing in my head....
hush now don't u cry
there will be a better day, i promise you
we can work it out, but only if u let me know
what's on ur mind....

Monday, June 05, 2006

i'm going to get fees frm my sis for helping her to advertise her blog...bahx... i'm just using it as an excuse since i've nthing to blog abt.. hohoho

Monday, June 05, 2006

commercials these days are so corny.
or maybe they have always been like that, just that i didnt realise. wow.took me a decade and a half. x)
take for eg. the milk powder commercials. cant intelligent milk powders have commercials that match their intelligence? all of them have the same tagline that go something like
'my milk formula has AA and DHA. i will make your kid a SMART kid'
then they make the words AA and DHA swirl up this diagram of a kid, from the disgestive system to the brains and gives it a BOOST. siao. and the next scene, where the kid flaunts his brains by doing some maths problem, or identifying a flower. yep. it definitely has AA, because the kid goes around attracting attention mah.
you think parents know what those abbreviations stand for? no.
AA probably sounds like batteries to them. cheater bug! any o how. i am so glad the milk formula i drank when i was a kid had better and more natural commercials. there were COWS x) haha.

heigh ho. heigh ho. and off to work we go!


this sucks.... i'm going to flunk chinese. oh wait, i already did. why the hell did i take chinese for? my chinese sucks shit so stop dreaming that ur chinese is good. dreamers go to hell

god damn it i wouldn't have failed if i hadn't written out of point for my essay. i failed by 1/2 a mark. DAMN U CHINESE

on a lighter note, i scored better for my "story" essay where i had the privilege of time. does that even sound rite? bahx
i wrote abt this 2 guys who used to friends
1 decided to pursue his dream, he didn't do well for his studies but he feels fulfilled
the other decided to enter the world of shitheads, chasing after fame power money but he feels empty

so cliche rite? but somehow i just loved it. i told u i wrote shit.. HAHAHAHAHA


Sometimes we just need to be reminded!

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill.

In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. "

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value in God's eyes.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE !

You are special- Don't EVER forget it."
someone flamed my sis's blog:
anonymous: sining ah. sighs. u are such an idiotic ass.

ok it isn't really offensive but e fact that e person stayed anonymous & called my sis an ass is offensive. i mean i noe that she's a ass but she's nt idiotic, she's a cute ass so shut up anon... the worse thing is my sis kept insisting intially that i was anon. riteeeeeee

feeling pissed, i decided to flame back tt anon. but i needed a more innovative way, a more indirect way to make that ass srry. so i wrote this in my sis's tagboard:

anonymous: i'm so srry... sighs. i didn't mean it.

rite, me so clever to fake an anon. u like to be anon rite.... i'll make u regret it. i bet e real anon will just die of anger. HAHAHAHA

i don't know if is it me
but when i write my blog, i have this tendency to tell myself to write positive entries... u noe like chicken soup for the idiot's soul or smthing but i end up failing terribly cus my bouts of bipolarism is always amplified at nite. so i get emotionally depressed at night... i noe i'm crazy

i noe it sucks to read blogs that make u depressed. i mean most of them are for entertainment purposes rite? supposed to make u all happy & stuff. like my sis's blog. she tells me she blogs happy stuff there. to try to "fake" a happy entry. or else if she shows signs of depression, everyone will come running to her tagboard & start tagging stuff like: sining u okay or nt? sining stay happie & smilely always sining this sining that.

my reply? so fake

yar lor. nt happie den nt happy lar. fake for wad? no one 24/7 happy go lucky one wad. but she insists on keeping her blog a place where she writes crazy stuff to keep ppl happy, most of all, convince herself that she's happy. weird amibition, but she makes an effort. i guess i suck a lot at that huh.

maybe it's because i'm trying to get someone's attention? maybe i'm trying to act pitiful & get friends on my very deserted tagboard & comfort me & stuff?

it mattered at first to me... but i didn't really care as time pass. a blog is after all a diary. to hell with ppl who define it in wadever creative way. my blog. my definitions. i will rant & piss on it & do whatever i want. like it, read it, dun like it leave. i dun like writin in private diaries & try to stash them in every nook and cranny of the house, getting suspicious of whether my mum peeks at it or whether my bro has touched it with his pig trotters.

which explains why my sis has a whole stack of diaries and i have only 1 shiny new diary with a few used pages. this is the place where i wanna be true to myself, the place where i wanan leave the craps of reality behind, and move on. *nt forgetting the nice blogskins! hugs my very nice blogskin & imagines faith getting very jealous* HEHEHE *grins*

Sunday, June 04, 2006

ok this is me in the not the very right mind...hohohohoho

You can never get to peace and inner security without first acknowledging all of the good things in your life. If you're forever wanting and longing for more without first appreciating things the way they are, you'll stay in discord.
i guess e reason why it hurt so bad was because i had expected u to be different frm "the others"

no wait....

u claimed to be different from them... u claimed that u understood...

yeah damn rite u understand

even ppl who dun study literature get the meaning of repeated words. either u are dumb, or u simply refuse to accept the fact tt ur actions really suck alot.

i think u haf urself to thank for for the wonderful impression u've left in me... i mean i dun form impressions out of the air, u created them on ur own, based on ur selfishness, ur stubborness & ur pure stupidity.

if u feel any pain at all, it really doesn't matter to me what matters to u. it just goes on to prove that i was right after all, this friendship meant nothing to u, nothing at all....

i can't make friends with a human being who does not have a mind on his/her own. nor i can give the basic respect to him/her because he/she doesn't seem to understand the definition of respect unless it's at the expense of a friendship. when u can't even save urself, then stop trying to save others. it's just plain ass maronic.

u noe i shld just buy chee's pencil case....
i just love that attitude when i deal with this kind of classic...


Saturday, June 03, 2006

seriously u can't blame the school for their lousy moral education & it's ability to congregate a bunch of zi lian aka self loving pple when the ex principal wasn't very a ideal model in moral education in the first place....

*refer to attached article

Retired doc and wife, a former principal, publish essay collection

Senior Correspondent

RETIRED paediatrician Ho Nai Kiong and his wife, educationist Foong Woon Ho,
are marking their 40th year of marriage this year by publishing a collection of
their essays in Chinese.
While others prefer to throw dinners for their children, relatives and
friends to mark such happy events, they are celebrating their anniversary
tomorrow with a book, Xing Yuan, meaning 'fate with the apricot'.
Launched a week ago at the World Book Fair 2006, it contains 76 essays on
both medical and education-related topics, written by them between 1999 and
last year for the Chinese daily, Lianhe Zaobao.
'With the book out, I think we will have a quiet dinner tomorrow instead,
two of our three sons are away in the United States,' said Dr Ho, 68, who
retired five years ago as senior consultant at the KK Women's and Children's
Hospital after 35 years of service in government hospitals.
His wife, Madam Foong, 62, who retired last year as principal of Nanyang
Junior College after 36 years in the education service, said: 'The book of
shows what we have been doing in the medical and education fields all these years, both involving human lives.' Madam Foong, who also taught at the former Hwa Chong Junior College and was its vice-principal between 1987 and 1997, added that there are many doctors and teachers in both their families. Her two younger sisters are teachers, and her husband's two younger brothers are doctors. His younger sister was a teacher too. Two of their three sons, Kok Sun, 38, and Kok Yuen, 34, are doctors. Their youngest son, Kok Kyu, 33, is an investment analyst now working in New York.
On using Xing Yuan as the book's title, Dr Ho - who is still active in the Chinese community, sitting on the boards of several schools - said xing, which means apricot, is linked to both the good practice of medicine and education in Chinese history.
Ms Valerie Phoon, chief editor at Candid Creation and Xing Yuan's publisher, said the book is the first of its kind. 'It is a valuable collection of essays by a husband-and-wife team who are also well-known personalities in the medical and education fields,' she added. Dr Ho met his wife when studying at Chung Cheng High School in the early 1950s. She was then his sister's classmate at Yangzheng Primary School. They
went on to study at the former University of Singapore where he graduated with a degree in medicine and she in Chinese studies in 1966. Since the early 1990s, they have shared a weekly column in Lianhe Zaobao's
literary supplement despite their busy schedule because both love writing. 'If health permits, we will come up with another collection of essays when we celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary,' said Dr Ho.

*honestly, give me a break about ur contributions to education and how talented ur sons or ur family members are. u're like advertising ur family & if that's not enough, ur contributions as well as ur husband's contribution to the society. i'm nt saying it's bad, but the act of over flauting makes me wonder if u truly wanted to contribute because u are compassionate. how many times do i need to hear u repeat u have 3 sons out of the country who study medicine or that u've taught in hci and blahx shit sch & reformed many lives by giving them chances. WHO DOESN'T ??? MY SEC SCH PRINCIPAL DOES IT TOO OKAY???!! U WANNA COMPARE UR LIST WITH HERS????

it's obviously a D-U-H when u become a educator that is to teach & inspire. i agree that there are not much teachers who took up this profession with this noble aim but there are still quite a number of educators out there who do inspire. so stop crapping like u're the only gem around in the education system.

& u wanna advertise for the romancing singapore campaign as well? who the hell is interested in what u'll be doing for ur anniversary unless i'm ur kid or ur fan.... DOTX. the worse thing is u actually need a book to list out ur contributions to save future people who wanna honour u the trouble of compiling ur OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTIONS huh????!! tell me u have another word for zi lianism?? like what? i'm just so bloody great that i need to publish them or smthing?

how come i don't see mother theresa writing a autobiography title: "my life, my contributions"? or maybe the pope should write a autobiography too, something like :" the changes i've made for the greater good of humanity" ?!! or maybe u wanna sell vcds the next time on how u celebrated ur 50th anniversary with u narrating how the singapore education system would have failed terribly without u??? something like " mrs ho, the saviour of the singapore chinese education system" ? and with captions like, "my contributions are great, i changed their fate..."?

and to think u come frm a sch which so value morales and u dun even have a shred of humility in u. if u're good enough, ppl will naturally sing praises for u & tell others of ur contributions. if there is none who are willing to do that, it shows that what u have done is not enough and is nt extraordinary enough so it's really no use going ard trying to reuse egs again & again to reiterate ur greatness in the education system because there are so many ppl out there who deserve more praise than u do....

it's really not about how much u've done. a soceity does not come to where it is today because of the efforts of a single person. e testimonials which we're forced to write encourages us to self praise, to say that the success of a team is a result of the efforts of the one & only u. that the team would not have achieved these results had i not been around. what does this render ur other teammates? does it mean they're lousier? that they have put in less effort them me?
& here we are learning that there is no "i" in a team. what will happen to team work if people start adding "i"s to it? how can we even progress together as a team anymore?

sometimes it feels like a part of u

sometimes it takes alot out of you,
especially if it's something that you don't deal with often....

i couldn't understand why you were angry with me.... it was like walking around in a foggy area, trying to get you to sympathise with me, trying to get you to understand what was going on, trying to get you to tell me that i'm not alone....

i couldn't understand why you couldn't feel the same way as i did.... out of everyone i knew, you were the closest i felt to at that point of time, but u just threw me away like that.... just like that

i feel like an authistic child....

it's tiring when your senses are amplified, and any slightest form of rejection brings you to the point of depression & low self worth. u can do anything, anything at all to just let this pain go away... and when all this is over, u realise what a failure u are...

it's just this vicious cycle....

no one is a born councillor, no one is born to deal with this kind of situations...
but somehow we just have to learn.... fall & learn, fall & learn...

maybe it's weird.... but sometimes we've been trained to look not at the content but at the tone...
maybe that's why something that may not mean much to you means alot to me...

it's amazing how much can happen to you within such a short time
u lose the people u love
u see through people with their lies & agendas
u look at the world with a greater understanding
u create your dreams & goals with a firmer resolution
u learn not to identify yourself with anyone
u learn to let go of relationships tt doesn't work out or doesn't go anywhere
u learn to love urself & to live for no one else because no one else is living for u
u learn to distance urself from the hurt and the pain

try to listen with your heart sometime, maybe you'll see so much more....