Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
but the thing is
once in a while when i hang out with ppl who are very pious
it just makes me question my own beliefs alot
it's always easier to follow what others believe in
but then again,
i always wonder
is my reason for holding on so tightly to atheism
a result of an unexplainable fear that i might be proven wrong
or is it because atheism has always been based on nothing
if i lose this belief
what else do i have to hold on to?
that long, unsure and awkward pause
before u said
like there was this fear of being judged,
this unmistakable sense of shame
n from that day onwards
i carried that shame with u too
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
i have been told that i am cheap and that i should treat myself with more respect
and that i am a slut who seeks attention by putting ppl down.
by two different guys
and i am thankful that i wasn't depressed enough to actually believe them or cut myself or maybe just happily fling myself off some 7 storey NIE building.
just my luck.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
i don't understand wad u mean by:
But u seem to enjoy it. Everyone could see it.
At the expense of someone's dignity and pride...
sorry i don't wanna bother u about this. take care
who was everyone? or u mean u and ur gd friend who took it personally?
at whose dignity or pride?
u don't wanna bother me abt what? You tell me so many hurtful things, and then without any further explanation, u go on to say u don't wanna bother me? really. u are soooo considerate aren't you?
you serious, after u shoot me down, stab me, and spit on me, u ask me to take care.
so u sriously thought that i was out to put anyone in a difficult position at all?
so u sriously thought that i was enjoying every moment of it?
if anything, i would have expected u to know me better. out of every frigging one there. i though u wld have been the one to know better what my outburst was for and what triggered it. yet the people who were not close to me understood perfectly what i was trying to say. it's just that they didn't say it. I was the one who was stupid enough to say it. YET AGAIN.
u, on the other hand made me out to be this psycho freak that enjoyed attention and putting everyone down.
sure. i shld guess that a little part of me enjoyed that moment of attention when everyone was listening to me.
i guess u never truly understood why i joined this club for the 3rd time. which was why u were so quick to believe when i told u that i joined for hall points and u went around telling people that, i haf no idea with what ur intention was at all. and i had to hear what u said about me, from someone else. awesome really.
and i guess tt was y u were also so quick to believe that i had the intention to hurt anyone in particular when all i was really concerned about, was why was OTE giving us, as a club, so much problems and why, is no one angry that OTE is giving us so much problems. Why is everyone horrified when people gave suggestions to stand up against the OTE?
in the end, i guess the person who really gave a flying fuck abt it just hurt herself the most in the end.
and u, after all that u said, can just come up to me and say u are sorry AND that i don't understand u. which part of the u putting me down do i not understand? am i supposed to see it as an act of a concerned friend who wants to point me to the right direction? well i guess u did pt me in the right direction in the end didn't u?
if u wanted to understand my rationale for saying all that i've said during the meeting. then what was YOUR rationale for saying that to me straight after i told u that i just apologised for my mistake. Do i sound so adamant that i was in no fault at all that warranted your response?
do you even know me at all?
i guess not. like u claimed how i didn't understand u anyway.
thank u for everything. really. especially for that one special moment that you made me feel like a freak and that i didn't deserve to be loved.
i am sorry that i have disappointed u, in what ways, i don't know. if ur fb status was even about me. haha. i am a shameless and cheap slut who can never change after all, aren't i.
u have been an awesome friend. and i wish u well.
Monday, November 08, 2010
i cannot control emotional outburst.
like what i said just now, i just really didn't expect it to come out of myself at all.
yes u're right, i am in every sense a attention seeking bitch, are these are the moments of attention which i seek should i lose control of myself.
talk abt carnal lust. lol. this is what i'm faced with everyday.
n sure,after that i enjoy the moment on replay too
i would always go back later to relieve the moment, but never that pleasure that came with that moment . it's just this overwhelming guilt that consumes me because i always take things twice as hard that wad NORMAL ppl wld usually do.
and every single once in a while, the bitches and sluts lose control, and come out in bloody zig zagged lines on the back of their hands.
sure, i enjoy the moment. i always do. thank u for pointing it out to me.
if there's anything that comforts you, u are not at the losing end.
my debt is always paid in blood and self hatred.