Wednesday, December 31, 2008

lalalala

i wonder how lynn is, after her refusal/inability to reply to my msg despite her promises to keep in touch

i wonder how sha is, after she left for studies overseas, her love for anime and japanese still as strong as ever and her continuous passion for the arts

i wonder how jane is, with her european look alike face and her love for disney's mickey mouse seemingly eternal.

i guess i haven't been a wonderful friend either. forgetting birthday's, not noticing other ppl's pain, not forgiving enough for the misunderstandings cause by the differences in us.


maybe it's cus e stupid nyona show is making me cranky haha

Thursday, December 25, 2008

无尽思念


妈妈,祖母往生了


不知道为什么,就是没把这则短讯删了

Thursday, December 18, 2008

woosh 4am

i think i can't live without my bed.

i'll need a quilt, 2 pillows and 3 bolsters.

i can't slp anywhere else.

i take a few hrs to slp in my bed in hall.

arhhhhhhhhhh

and e blinding lights with e crazily low base sound that just breaks ur eardrums if it gets any louder.

it's like ur heart is pumping so hard it's gonna break ur ribcage and u'll drop dead in a pool of blood. haha

it's crazy. e sexually charged crowd. everyone's horny. and den u just stand in e corner and shake. no one cares anyway.

and den along e road u see ppl slumped against e wall, vomit all over.

it's like they enjoy being in this state.

i can't slp for god's sake. i can't slp... fug

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

force be with u

he believes... XD

突然觉得自己很自私

because i cannot give.

e world revolves ard me

because i make up too much excuses for myself when i make mistakes

because i expect too much out of people

~~~

because we love building walls

that's e only way we survive

there's no natural law governing e whole damn thing

it's just a whole mess of jumble

it's just a way to survive

for no friggin reason

but we're here, breathing, and in pain

and then we'll continue to crawl, scramble towards a light

any light

just light

in hopes that something will be better in e future.

there is no other force governing ur life

it is just u, urself, ur life, and wad u can do with ur life.

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

in e mood for love

been pretty pissed off e whole week

but i guess i've just come to realised, u're probably in ur own world.

and maybe i'm nt that angry with u so much anymore

with every fall, u're supposedly stronger, but all i have are scars and fears.

YOSH! GANBATTE!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

paranoia

i think i shld, one fine day, visit IMH and get medication for my bouts of paranoia, insanity & depression.

i think i shld.

then again, isn't it irritating to have known me, i'm loud, i'm sickening, i'm full of shit, i'm paranoid, i get depressed and start moaning abt how i wanna die on my blog and den i'll make u feel unhappy/worried. wad is so good abt me as a fren?

~~~

i secretly thinks my grandma praying for her death to come. no wait, i think we're all praying that she'll leave this world. talk abt mercy killing

she's just lying there, all skin and bone... her wound's full of pus, her skin blue black. she has no flesh... i cannot see any flesh... her house has a stench. in fact i bet we'll look like we're abusing her. she can't really talk now, she doesn't respond when i call her. her eyes are always closed... she curls up into a ball and falls into an uneasy sleep, she's been falling down e bed at night.

i dun even noe if she fits into e definition of living.

and den there's this buddhist song playing continuously nxt to her bed... e same one my maternal grandma had nxt to her bed and e song that i had to listen to during e wake and when she was cremated. it's so freakingly creepy. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thursday, December 11, 2008

laws of attractionHAHA

喜欢钻牛角尖,无法原谅自己,感觉错了一次,就好像没有弥补的机会,所以特别自责,也变得很厌倦社会。与其说厌倦,不如说我害怕,所以逃避。因为我背着很多包袱,而且是多余的负担。

还是不相信神明,鬼魔妖怪的存在,但特别相信命运,缘分和时机。

i think i'm seeing things, even though i dun believe them, i keep thinking that i've been seeing them, which is pretty ironic and full of crap. grandma still visits me.. HAHA.

i'm thankful, for the things they do, the little things like giving u words of encouragement out of the blue, telling u weird stuff like laws of attraction when u're cycling 40 plus km, worn out but amused with all e singing, screaming & insanity.

i'm grateful for e little things they give to me, words that sort out my shitty thinking. and i dun expect them to be there all e time because they've already given me more than enough.

yet i dun trust them, cus they exist on superficiality, on convenice, on value of worth.
they'll leave. they'll just leave when what it has been built upon crumbles, memories can't save them, even e best ones...

i've changed, i realised...

because i feel there's no need for me to put in more than what is my share in grp works because no one else bothers, and e acknowledgement doesn't get u anywhere. because u give it ur all but it's considered dumb becuase others are just not giving that much. because there is a market rate and we shld follow it.

there's no need for responsibility, there's no need for punctuality.
just sorries, sorries and more apologies

fine if they accept, or just get another friend who'll tolerate ur nonsense.

it's 4am.

i've lost my marbles. i'm a bimbo. HAHA

Therefore I say unto you, what things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." ( Mark xi. 24. )

Yet once you have taken a decision, then rely on God. God loves those who are reliant” (Al-'lmran:159)

Sunday, December 07, 2008

ugly beautiful

i'm watching a show i don't understand

i'm nt crying when i'm supposed to cry

i don't want to dream...

i don't feel guilty when i'm nt there for u

because we all want to bleed

we all love bleed

and we love e attention that comes with e bleeding


darkness conceals pain, hides weaknesses, makes e ugly beautiful...

i don't feel anything. at all

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Unmistakable

Anytime, anywhere, any place
You could be anyone today
Maybe I will recognize
You on a crowded street

Maybe you'll take me by surprise
Will you be the one I had in mind?

There'll come a day
When you walk out of my dreams
Face to face
Like I'm imagining
Baby how can I be sure
That you're the one I'm waiting for
Will you be
Unmistakable

People say we're watching life
Through a glass
Desperately waiting on a chance
I know you're out there,
Holding on,
Holding out for me

How're we gonna know the time is right?
What if you're here and I'm just blind?


How can I know a song
I've never heard
How will I know your voice
When you haven't said a word

How do I know how this will end
Before we begin

Sunday, November 30, 2008

e formula

e formula to a thoughtful entry

a suicidal mind

a few cups of wine + coke

no one to talk to online

3am and later

e ability to make urself feel worthless and depressed

tada!

insomnia

i passed by e place u live(d)
and got reminded of how i would never see u again.

it's e recurring dreams that's bothering me
i can't slp
i'm having insomnia
for the first time in my life
my dreams are actually bothering me

i got to e phase where i could actually control my dreams
what i dreamt, what not to dream, and to wake up from a dream

and then e dreams stopped

and now it's all coming back again

e room with e clock and ur empty bed



i can't slp well...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

CABALLLL

i'm somewhere in e pic
carrying a olympic torch

HAHAHA jking


e only reason why i'm alive

it's cus there's cabal

and a nutty who gave me 1m alz of cabal money cus he's too darn rich and doesn't wanna study for his exams. HAHAHAHA

everyone's crazy.

we shld all buy insurace policy and kill ourselves. but only after a year. anytime before that no refund ok?

i'm just crapping so that my blog does not have COBWEBS.

~~~

i've been thinking a whole lot abt depression these days

what makes ppl unable to cope that causes them to be depressed?

isit e way they're brought up?

isit cus of how their brain is wired?

i dun noe....

Saturday, November 15, 2008

finishing exams way before others plus a small social circle and no social life means i tend to suffer from post exam blues.

hahaha.

feeling so EMO ALREADY

ALL E BEST FOR UR EXAMS!!! I WANNA GO PARRTAAYYYY

like i go partying. lollol

suddenly i just miss u alot. zzzzzzzzz.

simin loves shelves.

bleahx

HAHA SIMIN HAS MANICURE!!!

SIMIN IS NUTS! LALALA

Thursday, November 13, 2008

SVOCA

I AM SO FUCKING GOING CRAZYYYY

SVOCA SVOCA SVOCA SVOCA

HAHAHAHHA

WTF SRIOUSLY IS THIS GOING TO HELP ME TEACHHHHHHHHH

exasperated...

i'm just plain stupid.
e heart, with ur thousand emotions is not an easy thing to control

and den suddenly u might find urself falling truly, madly, deeply in love.

the insanity

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

SCORE!

there's smthing abt a grp of pre-puberty boys singing u'll never be alone that keeps u going strong at 5am in e morning when all are asleep.... all e way until e end of this wk

jay chou is keeping me alive too.

SCORE!

Monday, November 10, 2008

my love for linguistics knows no boundaries

ˈfʌkɪŋ fəˈnɛtɪks

ɪt ɪz soʊ dæm ˈdɪfɪˌkʌlt ˈtrænskrɪpt

Sunday, November 09, 2008

a b o u t u

it's e way u call my name that makes me squirm

it's e way u nonchalantly say sorry and shrug if off

i tot u've changed

suddenly i realised, all these while, it wasn't abt anyone else.

it wasn't abt making friends nor was is it about making someone's day

everything was just about u

how u felt, how u cld make urself better, how everything cld benefit u

i noe everyone has this feeling, self before others. but u brought it more to the extreme.

e world centered ard u.

but at least now i think i know, who u truly are.

and that my instincts abt u were right all along.

u can never be true to anyone but urself

so don't complain.

but guess what i'm no longer afraid of u. i'm sure, that i'm so much stronger to deal with u now.

~~~~

i've been meaning to look into religion again. buddhism to be exact. there's so much i want to know abt e philosophy and how wrongly it's been interpreted by fanatics.

maybe i just wanted to be at peace after u left.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Full text: Obama's victory speech

taken from BBC

Full text: Obama's victory speech

Democrat Barack Obama has become the first African-American to win the White House. Here are his remarks as prepared for delivery to a huge crowd in his home city of Chicago:

CHANGE HAS COME

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It's the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

PARTNERS IN THE JOURNEY

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he's fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.

I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice-President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation's next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House.

And while she's no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics - you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you've sacrificed to get it done.

VICTORY FOR THE PEOPLE

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington - it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give $5 and $10 and $20 to this cause.

It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organised, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth.

This is your victory.

THE TASK AHEAD

I know you didn't do this just to win an election and I know you didn't do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime - two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century.

Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us.

There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor's bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

REMAKING THE NATION
The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as president, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree.

And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for 221 years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

ONE NATION, ONE PEOPLE

What began 21 months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers - in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House - a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity.

Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours: "We are not enemies, but friends… though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection."

And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your president too.

AMERICA IN THE WORLD

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand.

To those who would tear this world down - we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security - we support you.

And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America - that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

A HISTORY OF STRUGGLE

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing - Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons - because she was a woman and because of the colour of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America - the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbour and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome". Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

THIS IS OUR MOMENT

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment.

This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes We Can.

Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

珍惜一切 就算没有拥有







还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
随着稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧 回到最初的美好

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

educate

wishes

i have alot of wishes

like going to DUBAI for this education without boarders conference.

like going to NTU's model united nations which cost over hundred bucks

like going to OBS in dec

like going backpacking to europe 3 years later supposedly

e only thing stopping me, ironically, is only myself and nothing else.

bummer...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

7.15am

the chinese have the tradition of stopping the clock after someone in the house has passed away.

so i guess for the past few days, my biological clock kinda of stopped at 7.15am too.

and i was still sleeping in the hall when she sneezed... jeez. haha

den throughout the 4 days where u were made to hold joss sticks and kneel, stand, kneel and den walk ard her coffin and den kneel again. u kind of numb urself to the pain of losing her and instead find the rituals increasingly humorous. good thing was i didn't burst out laughing or else i cld have gotten killed. haha.

den e pain of losing her again hit me again when she was cremated. i guess she was close to me after all. rmbering how widely she smiled when i told her i was going to a uni and how my sis got this president guides award. she wld just say good good and den insisted that we eat something even though we're damn full. and den we'll just sit beside her and watch her sleep.

i supposed if she knew how sad we all were when she passed away, she wld have felt really really happy. and all e big bombastic rituals and ceremony that were held for her wld have made her very proud. den i wld try to imagine her sitting somewhere amongst us, healthy, smiling, with the semi-present white smokey shape like those corny ch 5 drama serials.

den she wld stand up and leave or float wadever it is, happy, forever happy & peaceful. =)


~~~~

i wondered who really understood wad e fuss was abt behind all this? what did it meant? if it's supposed to guide her soul to afterlife, what were the processes like? so for those ppl who cldn't affort the thousands spent to bring monks to the deceased's graves, it means their soul is crossing over less peacefully? like wad my dad said, this whole thing is so commercialised... and some ppl were so anal abt rituals. if they were so insistent on the correct way, it is supposed to be frugal because that's wad buddhism is supposed to be abt... isn't it?

23 oct 2008 thursday 7.15am jalan rajah block 107 =)

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i watched u sleep & my heart was at peace

Saturday, October 25, 2008

speak less and observe more.

5 days of hearing the same chant.

here's one less religion i have to consider i guess.

i always wondered if they really understood wad they read.

i dun feel peaceful at all. i get migraines.

maybe i have no affinity with "god" or buddha or wadever e case might be.

maybe i'm just frustrated.

maybe i shld speak less and observe more.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

thinking

Adoramus te Rex Gloria
Cum gaudia infinita
Adoramus te infinita
Rex Gloria

Jubilate Deo omina
In saecula infinita
Jubilate Deo omina
Rex Gloria

Sancto Spiritu Gloria
Jubilate omnia
Sancto adoramus
Rex Gloria

it's this little thing weighing down on u

that blames u for not being there when she left

that blames u for not being there for being quite a long while

that little thing is called guilt...

when u're gone

when someone just leaves

it leaves u so empty inside.

i'd just hope u'd be happy where ever u are.

sian

i dont know how to make sense of events that are currently happening in my life rite now

i've been pretty aggressive towards ppl, stubborn, irritating and loud and i'm sure e list goes on.

and i'm started to hate myself for it. i dun like e person i'm changing into... or maybe i was already like tt in e past?

maybe i'm too self absorbed... thinking that everything was alrite when it wasn't.

i'm currently playing with fire. and i think i'm going to get burnt

and i don't think i'm making any sense.

i shld shutup, i shld be a good follower and accept e leader, i shld keep things to myself and not be loud cus it pisses ppl off. i shld be more responsible...

i dun like myself... how?

change lor.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

what we cannot do alone...


"No human relation gives one possession in another... every two souls are absolutely different. In friendship and in love, the two side by side raise hands together to find what one cannot reach alone." Kahlil Gibran


taken from flickr, u think i so pro ah, hahahahaha

Sunday, October 19, 2008

GAME

it's nt just abt playing mind games

it's nt just abt the other sex being a jerk (except in NIE)

maybe it is.

u shld see the bags of tricks they have up their sleves. but honestly, it's tiring. why control? why the game? why can't it be simpler? am i thinking too much into things?

hey suddenly i'm seeing a lot of light here.

and honestly, the novelty of supposedly having security and a sense of companionship is wearing off.

i'm tired of anticipation. i'm tired of trying to find out more. if it comes, it really comes so why worry.

so let's say even though i dun believe in the guy up there having plans for me. affinity is just enough. i've already met a lot of wonderful ppl so i guess there'll always be more wonderful ppl for me to meet in the future.

~~~

i'm glad i finally had e courage to tell someone, just someone what happened. it falls into place when u put it into words. it means that u've stopped trying to run away and finally admit what u've done. that u're a stupid idiot/bastard. lol

i'm still carrying alot of hate with me. i dun noe why. i tot i've finally manged to let go but i guess there's just a lot of fear and hatred for people who make me feel as if i'm a failure or that i don't deserve to be there. it's as if i was reeling back from my "depressed" days in that friggin sch, but maybe i'm just being depressed for no damn reason all the time.

and i had a very interesting conversation with my friend.
life's like game, u level up, kill e friggin boss and den level up. lol dun run cus the boss will be after u.
so lame but it makes sense.

wadever. LOL. thank u lovelies for making my day

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

M-U-G N-O-W


Screw u Bs, i want As.

and i'm nt working hard enuff for it.

M-U-G N-O-W

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Notice to all

I'm getting increasingly fearful that people who are not supposed to read my blog is reading my blog so....

Just a notification to all

Please, if you want to link me, kindly ask me for permission first before you add my nice link on your blog.

Also, if you feel uncomfortable with your link being publicized on this blog, do drop me a msg as well.

Thank u.

of backstabbers

the whole point is not why i'm irritated because it's happening to me
but rather, i think it's rather lame how people are settling this problem
here's someone who has no leadership skills trying to tell us what to do
then there's someone who feels emotionally imbalanced because of the changes made.

no one is at fault, and it's not in my ability to judge what the past was like then from the present.

but things happened, and the person i/c did not take any blame, but rather smiled and let things pass. how can one see and manage the big picture when one is unable to take responsibility for blunders. of course out of everything bad that happened, there are good things too but is the good you're focusing on of any importance for future improvements?

it's called AFI's btw, aka areas of improvement aka feedback. not area of praise, not how well we've done, not how we can celebrate after this, not how pretty he/she is.

dun push e blame to what was done in the past or the higher ups and portray urself as being a helpless victim of the opression by the authority. so what if approval was not given, what have u exactly told them that we don't know. if things r good, why aren't they approved? humans being humans will make ur job easier for u if they like u.

that being said, i think it's so much difficult to trust someone now that all this has become a game. if my paranoia is getting better of me, i really don't care because i rather not trust u and ur smile den sccumb to letting everything out and screw whoever is involved.

all e best & good luck. & screw u.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

shit

i am in dead shit because

i spent $41 bucks for cab fare

i continuously spent $60bucks for my phone bill cus i dun have free outgoing call from campus

i suxed in my paper

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

money is flowing away frome me!!!

I"M HAVING A ECONOMIC DOWNTURN HERE!!!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Life and How to Survive It

Adrian Tan's speech to the graduating class of 2008 at an NTU convocation ceremony.

Life and How to Survive It

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You’re going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there’s no life expectancy.

taken from Mr Wang's blog.
http://mrwangsaysso.blogspot.com/2008/08/life-and-how-to-survive-it.html

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

吃喝玩乐

guess i haven't been reflecting about life as much as i'm supposed to.

stupid damn computer game.

lol

it's an addiction, wearing sexy fighting gear, holding two swords and slashing at lame animals and mummies or mummy warriors. that's e only time when u feel really impressed with urself, that's the only time when u have control and u know bloody hell what is going on.

thus my continuous obsession with internet games... childish huh.

hope i didn't screw up my presentation too badly cus i was holding on to my paper while i was talking. i was promoting earth awareness ok!! recycle recycle! yar rite :P i'm lame

my aim is so save up enough money to tide me thourgh before i start working
my aim is to finish my 4 yrs in education w/o screwing up
my aim is to stop worrying abt my family because it's not my business and it's not a big deal

guess there are times in life when u're so sick of being very philosophical, contemplative & just wish to hold on to materialistic wants and needs and hope and pray hard all this will tide u through whatever there is to come.

u r strong. be true to urself & those u love. that's all u need to know.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

onnli euuuuuu

F lying
A round
lI ke a dodo bird
T he only
H omosexual partner i'd like to have


HAHA WAD DA HELL IS THIS FREAKING ACRONYM POEM!!!

just lame. love u darling! XD

take care & JIAYOU!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

回忆

我曾经很傻,
曾经很迷茫
曾经很寂寞
曾经很自卑

也许是因为自卑,才会无形中变得很彷徨
才会做出一些不可理喻的事
感觉好像走火入魔。

只是希望将来不再会那么的痛苦。

只希望你懂事点,
有多点责任感,
多为他人着想
别让他人为你流泪

未来还是个
未知数

Monday, September 29, 2008

the future.... all so full of shit

why did u become a teacher??

because i had no where else to go....

lol, so cute la, that's e future generation of our educators,me included, they will be educating ur sons & daughters aka brats. but there's really nthing wrong with our kids today. i dun hate them. i only hate the soceity that breeds them. we're all coming out wrong. wrong values, wrong morals, wrong ideals, wrong wrong wrong...

honestly, it'd really be interesting to note what's the turnover rate of teachers as compared to other professions. because i don't know...

my blog's becoming very superficial!!! cus i'm becoming shallow like the toilet bowl. it rhymes!

i should start ogling at cute japanese boys again! hahaha. now i love oguri shun! HEEEEE

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Pain Siah



Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed; to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only; pain we obey.

Marcel Proust (1871–1922), French writer

morally upright piece of shit


i guess being morally right means so much to me that even the slightest hint that i'm being disloyal, being inconsiderate, being irresponsible, being selfish just touches a raw nerve and i'll be very upset @ e asshole who dare accuses me of that w/o any valid reason

but maybe i am not as morally upright as i've thought myself to be. since i've been flamed before for being a jerk to someone who didn't have e balls to admit who he/she is, and the recent project thing which just screwed me up with another guy, i don't know. or maybe it's karma since kahhui is a peranakan whom i just absolutely abhore so his good brother who looks like a paranakan decided to give me a taste of my own medicine by being a complete ass. i just know i try not to be an asshole.

i try...



“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.”
Oscar Wilde



“The most important human endeavor is the striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depend on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to life.”
Albert Einstein

Friday, September 26, 2008

i am gay XD

it's very ironic, that teachers themselves are pretty scared of exams considering how much time we'll be spending on preparing for the examination when we teach in the future. pre and post exam times are hell when u have to set paper, analysis of papers, get pupils to stand up if they have Q1 wrong, Q2 wrong so on so forth. and den u write those comments where u're supposed to phrase things positively because kids these days cannot take a little bit of criticism or they'll melt and die and be forever traumatised. toufu-es

and me and my roommate have come to a conclusion that we should start saving up NOW. since u know that the global economic gloom is just looming close with banks closing down and then ppl queueing up outside banks due to the pranoia and den the cycle of banks not having enuff money den close down den more paranoia.
so save NOW, when economic depression strikes, cost of living drops, by den we'll have saved up enuff money to eat Jack's Place beef steak everyday! isn't tt cool? BEEF STEAK EVERYDAY!!! SIRLOIN! TENDERLOIN WADEVER LOIN. my econs is screwed but i figure this will definitely work to our advantage. HEEEEEE. slaps myself

and i've been VERY high when driving the car recently. but it gets kinda of hilarious when i get nervous cus my legs will pretty much step on everything there's for me to step so i'll accelerate if i'm supposed to stop or i'll stop if i'm supposed to accelerate. i believe that one day my instructor will just be so pissed with me or we'll just both die in a car accident. HURHUR. ok i'm nt THAT lousy but i've sworn to myself that i rather buy a car and eat shit slp in a car den buy a flat. i love cars, hate HDBs. so buy me a car on my birthday! okay okay okay? okay u've read this line so u've promised! HOHOHOHO.

~~~~

recently, religion's startin to bug me again. like when i'm filling up forms. because under religion, i can't reallhy put free-thinker cus i'm not and it's not really a damn religion too. and atheism is not really orthodoxed because it's like the ultimate where u just basically condemn everything. there's just so much negativity linked to athetism and i'm just worried tt ppl will bug me and try to change this piece of atheist asshole so that they can save another person condemned to hell. if i'm really going to hell, it isn't bothering me now anyway, it's more of the present where ppl give u the wide eye look and ask u what u think abt how the earth was created. at least my roommate got if from another christian. gahhh. shld have told her not to spread ard. but i wish they could at least change it to the category to beliefs rather than religion. it's too restricted...

on the topic abt filling upforms, i wonder how homosexuals feel if they're filling it up. and honestly, if parents say that all i want for u is happiness, but if ur happiness is in someone/something that is not the norm, why are they so unwilling to accept that? because females are made for males and vice versa? because u can't have a child with ur other half so it's not normal? if ur happiness is truly found in someone of the same sex, den what is wrong? i tot all this while, while we're so engrossed in the rat race, we're also seeking for happiness, someone to share weal and woe?

llife's so damn lame when u have no answers to questions, and no right or wrong.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

let me sort things out

i dun noe why i'm depressed by what he said...

but i guess he made sense in one way or another.

but it's not like i've not wanted to come for meetings, nor that i'm slacking and refusing to do what the grp has told me to do.

sure i cld have conributed more if i knew wad e shit theories were abt.

and den when i try to give suggestions u said it was wrong. so it made me more confused then ever.

but i know i wldn't say this to anyone in e grp,

cus i just have to shoulder all the blame

or maybe i was really whining at that time... so let's just take it that everything was my own fault. that i shouldn't have said i don't know so openly, that when u only gave me 5 mins to think up of some crap i should have been born smarter and should have known what to say.

and den at the end of the whole damn issue i feel so depressed, even more lost then ever, and hating u to the core for being so impatient with ppl who are slow to understand what u really wanted.

i'm upset at a piece of crap. very upset.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

this spam mail made my day

i had a bda day today

but this spam mail just made my day....


Dear {my hotmail add}
Want to be ready for sex in a few minutes?
Then Viagra Soft Tabs is your choice!

so short, so direct yet so lame. HURHUR

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Define teacher

teacher
–noun
a person who teaches or instructs, esp. as a profession; instructor.

that's it? a person who instructs?

my philosophical reflections class has been forcing me to rethink alot about my definitions of why i chose this career in the face place.

1. i did it for money and self survival.
i'm not THAT altruistic to go around claiming that kids are my first priority. when prices are shooting up, u'd realise that ur passion for kids cannot be converted into money, thus passion cannot feed ur empty stomach, what more maintain a family/lifestyle.

2. i flunked my As. sad but true, my results cannot get me anywhere. i love teaching, but i would have love to gone out to see the world. if i was rich, i would have gone out to get a private degree in history/psychology/chinese before entering NIE. NIE is a really really small world and the teaching community is not as united as we thought.

3. yeah, i did it for e kids, because i love to see smiles on kids faces. because i'm narcissitic and love ppl to call me miss yeo ten thousand times a day, even when they wanna go to the toilet. the sound of my sweet name is honey to my ears. HURHUR.

to put it simply, i'm scared of teaching still because i know that what i really need to tide me through the tough times when i enter a school to teach is not theory but experience. i'm afraid my lesson won't be fun. i'm afraid i'd conform to the traditional methods where i'll just dump them with tons of exam papers.

we all talk about freedom to teach e kids, but how many of us are really ready? or are we too busy joining in the rat race, trying to clamour on top of each other to get the boss's attention so that we can hopefully rise up the salary scale.

why are we suppose to accept the world we live in as it is? because this is globalization? because this is the century of materialism? if u can't beat it, join it? what kind of freakin logic is tt?
den be urself day now can be translated into going ard naked and it can be justified as a artistic talent? and when did gay and lesbianism come into this whole equation of being urself?


my previous contract school has been a scene of chaos, with daggers flying all over e place, and my ex colleagues are just trying their best to dodge all e crap that's flying around. i bet u'll be laughing when u picture pileloads of shit flying around work cubicles. HAHA. the joysss of office life.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Cedar Blue






they're tearing down e clock tower, the science block, the PE block & den u just dun wanna look anymore...

8 years after building the most wonderful & beautiful sch in Cedar Ave, they decided it was too old for their fancy so they tore everything down according to some stupid "let's keep everything sparkling new" scheme where they happily use tax payers money to renovate schools which are barely even 10 years old.

Nothing seems to be lasting... u get replaced & forgotten too quickly... just like tt, all these places with e wonderful memories of Cedarians are gone...

i guess there were no regrets when we left e sch with gd grades, so full of hope & dreams at the age of 16, hugging our dear friends & e tears just flowed freely as we bid each other farewell.

i don't know y i can still cry. The wonderful memories & people, teachers & friends who used to make up e heart & soul of cedar just overwhelms me.
Rmbring myself screaming as we ran down the stairs playing childish games during recesses,
waving madly at friends across e block only to see them cringe & then laugh at me for being so ridiculously idiotic & stupid,
jumping crazily up & down on the 3rd lvl of e classroom blk when we received our O lvls results for CL,
changing in classroom with e ultimate cedar technique only to duck under tables or squeeze behind dusty cupboards when a male teacher was unfortunate/fortunate enough to come into e class to pass us our assignments,
Mr Khoo & his lovely quotes of e day & very deep resounding "Oh, Is It? " where we'll just laugh, the lovely courtyard where ms leong had our wkly wednesday reflections, where my sis & i did a campaign speech for Lynn with my sis imitating Mr Khoo
the lovely courtyard where we snoozed away happily at e back as people droned on endlessly abt being honest, responsibile etc
the lovely courtyard where we lugged our books & notes & studied furiously just before we died in e examination hall
the lovely school compound where we cheered freely, anywhere, anytime & anyone could just join in.

I'm still nostalgic, to e pt of crying everytime i walk past e freaking place & i'm just flooded with so much memories of plain insanity, fun, & laughter. e place where i felt loved & learned how to love in return. e place where teachers wld wear class t shirts no matter how ridiculous they looked with e cheesy taglines.

We are from Cedar
We shall not be moved
We are from Cedar
We shall not be moved
Like the trees that are planted by the waterside
We shall not be moved

~~~
i think we're still suffering from post cedar blues....

Monday, August 25, 2008

AHAHAHAHA




~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Saturday, August 23, 2008

i'm not free on sundays. never free.

it is very sad
that we should let religion dominate our conversation like how it has become a central part of ur life
will it kill u that ur friend is not of the same religion?
or that u cannot stand the idea that u are going to "heaven" and that ur newly acquainted friend is going to "hell"
why is there never a happy ending to friendships between a christian and a non-christian?
i cannot trust u because no matter how much i try, u wld try to bring up e topic and den include me in.

it's abt to end. i'm so used to being so good friends with all of ur kind and den ending it after a few outings. i can just feel that end looming near. i can actually predict what is going to happen.

we're just worlds apart, just like ur heaven and my hell huh.

Friday, August 22, 2008

happiness is....




is trying to understand and then slowly accepting.

happiness is not without money but not all abt money

happiness is knowing that u're always out there, happy, and treasuring ur life as what it should be worth.

happiness is being true, living ur life learning how to let go and welcoming new people and things into ur life.

happiness is within...

Saturday, August 16, 2008

忍,体谅,内省,再忍, 包容。

Sunday, August 10, 2008

hohoho, bloody hell

i think when u take up a job like mine, u suddenly sort of become a mind reader, playing psychotic mind analysing games with ppl whom u used to think had the absolute power and ctrl over u.

maybe it's nt only e kids who're trying to figure out wad e teachers are thinking. we do tt all e time too. & now i suddenly feel like i know what the bloody hell she's thinking.

and i didn't feel the slightest sense of guilt. it wasn't abt winning after all. it was just venting out the irritation and anger of someone always being anal and den getting done with it. it's like e evaporation of alcohol. don't dwell on the things that ppl say when they're hurt. hurhur because half of e time, it's just an ugly truth multiplied and blown up to gigantic proportions. and den after the thunderstorm we'll realise that none of us is perfect and just because we are related by blood means that we're just unfortunate enough to have to tolerate each others' crap. including my own.

u can nvr whine abt equality in treatment. it's just their way of handling things which they deemed is right. u've lived with it for 20 years. take it in ur stride and den let them make all e damn noise they want. if it makes them feel better or that they're in ctrl. go ahead.

we're all stupid. wanting so much of the other person but expecting none of ourselves.

sad but funny huh

*and then knowing that now've supposedly figured out her anal character, u have every more reason to tolerate her don't u? zzzzzz. confucious is crap but i live by it anyway.

~~

why shld u respect someone who is so irritatingly flawed and anal when e only reason u can think of when u're so damn angry with her is just that she takes care of u. den at e back of ur head u'll be screaming 'SO FUCkING WAD'?

so what if the 9 months that she had u was difficult and tiring and what have u? BIG DEAL

so what if she nurtured u and pampered u with all the shit loads of shit.

she's hypocritical, she doesn't deserve respect, she's just screaming and shouting like her butt's on fire when she sees something not done her way. she just doesn't practice wad she teaches us.

den at the end of it all when u feel like ludging ur backpack and move back to the hostel, or just fling a bowl of shit at her mouth, u'll realise that we're equally flawed as humans. that she had every reason to be angry at us as we have any reason to be angry with her for being so intolerant.

so blow up, shed a few tears, think of how u can avoid such a conflict with her the nxt time and den move on. no guilt, no sweat. yeah merry christmas

Friday, August 08, 2008


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Thursday, August 07, 2008

critical thinking of yang sa min

think deep think deep IDIOT.

i think i become more stupid as i grow up, apathetic too...

because i've felt that debating abt life's issue doesn't get me anywhere, because making a stand in singapore means u're different, & when u're different u're persecuted.
& even more so now that i'm a civil servant so it would be biting the hand that feeds me?

what crap.

so being thrown back into the "critical thinking" class with almost everyone having a faked accent or thinking deep abt any education policies that i didn't like is not helping my 'way' of singapore life.

i think besides being famed for our singlish/HDB flats, we should just get first in youth apathy as well. telling us to make critical statments about MOE's policies? U WANT ME TO DIE AH? honestly speaking, i'm still apprehensive about everything that is there. u cannot ask us to be critical when we are being forced to conform. it's just ironic & when u eventually go back to work in a school, how much can critical thinking/theories on education help u when u're being confined?

sure u have inspirational articles on how teachers have not given up on students or teachers who go all out to inspire that just ends there.
is the freedom to teach self imposed? or are we restricted by the higher ups? or maybe the freedom was just dellusional after all?

singapore has changed definitely, since i last blogged abt my beloved coutry a year back. prices flying up, foreigners flying in & nvr out, & we are talking abt a open society. HURHUR, i bet all of us are just habouring muderous thoughts of just killing them if they step on our toes. in fact, our family motto now is nt study hard to get a good paying job but study hard so that u won't get displaced.

we are just slowly being displaced, and ironically by the very own govt that we voted to secure our future. our governing body has successfully run singapore like a profit making monopoly and this year we can all celebrate our national day boasting of higher growth rates, our success at recycling junk water blah blah blah.

sure we'll still have our NDP showcasing our talented 'youths' who surprise surprise r locals, or mayb those formation dances which are made up of who knows half singaporeans & half foreigners. everything might just b the same old boring crap but listen carefully this time. just listen. when they sing the old familiar cheesy oldies like count on me singapore, stand up for singapore, one ppl, one nation, one singapore, or maybe just the national anthem itself, i wouldn't b surpirsed if e voices belting out these songs might be so much lesser, & e volume so much softer....

bleahx.

way to go singapore, u're 43 and u are slowly replacing ur own kind. way to go...

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

STUDENT = LAME = WAH LAO EH HAVE TO STDY AGAIN??!!

a gift from my student who once wrote, 'shut up u stupid idiot' on his maths workbk just for me & traumatised me like hell after tt. i nvr got over that until i saw this card. but the skeleton hand is nt really helping with a apology XD HOHO

i'm addicted to cabal, of all times to be addicted to something when u're just abt to start sch. & it's been a yr & a half since i've sat down with books & notes to study hur hur except for my BTT & i flunk it yoh. sthuuupid


and i've also amassed buckloads of coloured pens and refills for red pens and 2 full pencil cases of stationery. lol. nxt time i start working i shld kope more stationery items from student. MUAHAHA. see my enthusiasm abt studying? SEE SEE SEE!!!! XD WOOT.

~~~

to actually start school & be a student again wld mean a whole lot more to me this year then it did last yr.
i was a working adult last year, receiving a self sustainable but meagre salary enough only for myself but not enough for a family. i listened with envy & sometimes irritation at how ppl talked abt sch in funny terms like modules AUs credits hall wad block wad. it all didn't make sense & it just made me feel more left out den i already was.

now tt u're a student, treasure it, my senior said. i guess it really makes alot more sense now tt i have a vague idea of how working e world is like, it's temptations & vices, with everything being tied to financial & hierachial status. all these doesn't matter now tt i'm in sch. for now.... i hope.

continue to inspire and be inspired. rock on.

Monday, July 14, 2008

e greatest insult u can give to a teacher is to be asked to be transferred out of that class.

& my ex-students just did tt.... e nerve.

so now i few guilty for smirking at her.... zzzzzzzzzz

i think my life has become pretty much stagnant after a year of ups and downs after e As.
it's pretty ironic since i've always wanted stability & the waiting for the unknown nearly drove me crazy, now that i know what course i'm going to, i feel... bored? LOL. yesh slap me.

and all my good good pals are enjoying life in the USA. can u believe it?! 3 idiots. LOL. so now i always see them online & wish them goodnight at the weirdest hours of the day. & i miss them like shit.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

my evil twin

how do u look up to someone when she turns out to be completely different from what u've thought she used to be.

is either she gave me the wrong impression, or i had judged her too quickly or that she has just changed.

i'm serious because e more i know her e more i'm turned off.

here she is stressing on the point she's been through so much in life, that she's so much older than the rest of the new teachers that she's so damn experienced that i shld just worship the ground that she walks on and call myself useless. in fact, being with her has made me feel very worthless because the spotlight's always on how she deals with things correctly and how wrong i've done or screwed up. & i was so stupid to be led around by the nose.

"do you think i'm pretty or beautiful?"
"i was like that last time, i've been through this before"
& she shld be honoured that i'm dedicating a blogpost to her.

and it's kinda of sad, because i was just about to prove to myself that colleagues can be ur friends too.

pray for me, she said. pray that i'll stay sane. inside me i just smirked.

~~

would doing something wrong be justifiable by the simple reason of, i love u i care for u, so i betrayed u for u.

h.y.p.o.c.r.a.c.y

Monday, June 30, 2008

i will not have u screw around with my head.

damn, june is a busy birthday month. hahaha.

zzzzz.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

傻B

we shld all have QQ.
because QQ pets is so darn cute & a big distraction. hahaha. i have on 'residing' at e corner of my desktop screen. hehe




~~~~~

problems just pile up, they don't go away.

and honestly speaking, i have a feeling tt i'm just running away cus i'm tired of seeing the ppl here and my newly acquainted 'friend'.

it's either my EQ has been damn low recently or that i'm really trying to throw everything behind.

but what i've told her is true. i dun care how much she claims to understand or nt. the simple fact is that i hate being talked down like a kid. i am nt stupid and i can differentiate whether u're treating me like an adult or like a kid who doesn't know better.

u start talking abt life's philosophies, abt how if u can't change others, u shld first change urself instead. and then e worst thing is u had e nerve to insult my english by first insisting that a wrong sentence is correct "The way to the Big Ben, one has to climb up the spiral staircase ..." and then when i suggested that it might be wrong, u just screwed on my nerves by telling the other colleague that i'm nt experienced enough in this. WTF?!

and ur only explanation for this is that u're very frank & u'll say what's on ur mind. so? u say what's on ur mind w no absolute consideration for others?

am i complaining again? can i complain? can i rant? am i too concerned abt what others think of me? i can't live with this kind of ppl sitting behind me & commenting on every single thing i do, i think i'll go crazy....

u want me to open up? i alrdy did on the day when we were vetting the paper when i blew up when u made tt stupid comment on me being inexperienced. i'm learning so stop saying i'm nt experienced. I KNOW THAT. it's like going up to a blind man & telling him that he's blind.

" jus tt i find lately u seem quite distracted..
easily irritated.. attitude not as fantastic as b4.. is everything fine for u?
or its jus when u are coming to the end of yr contract.. u feel like throwing everything off?
i was like tt last time, and even worse things happened"

of course my attitude is nt fantastic, i'm irritated, but take note that it's towards u because i'm trying to keep everything as it is. i dun like to pass comments because i know it hurts & it's nt within my capability to point out ppl's flaws because i'm just a colleague of urs, i dun want to cross my boundaries.

it's 1 wk down & 3 more to go. let us just stay this way & hope that everything stays the way it is before we both screw up on this r/ship. ur way of dealing with UR students, i wish u gd luck.

but why is everything she's saying bugging me so much? is it because it's true?

rant

now i know wad's wrong with these ppl

they just love assume that everyone else is wrong and have experienced so little

so they'll be right since they've experienced so much more.

so they love, LOVE to share.

bullshit.

LOL


it appears i've been complaining alot recently, old habits die hard. but smtimes, i just can't stand these ppl. ROARRRRRRR

Thursday, June 26, 2008

u incorrigible bitch

ok u are pretty, nt beautiful

and so what if u're pretty, ur EQ is damn low because now that i'm having my pms, ur insensitive and supposedly for my good comments are making me feel really depressed.

c'mon, so what if u're 6 years older then me? i refuse to believe that u're in any way more mature than i am and why shld i trust u just because "u've been thru this"? because u love to assume that i know so fking little dat i need u to comment on how i'm doing things? if u're being helpful, i find u a pain in e ass.

u love to the assume, and then when i'm halfway thru my sentence u'll happily jump into ur own fking conclusion and den start commenting on "actually, u shldn't do this" fuck u. this is the first time in my life i've felt so tired talking to a person because i constantly find myself unknowingly becoming very defensive when i speak to u.

i think u're a screwed up asshole and i'm sorry if i've known u cus the more i learn about u, the more i hate u. and so what if u had depression in sec 2? it means that u've gone thru alot more if u had depression? and u're here teaching me how to handle depression when u have totally no fking clue what is goin on.

i hate it when ppl assume they know so much abt my life and den after assuming they give fking useless advice.

i srsly dun give a fk or damn where or what u've gone thru, ur hurtful assumptions & ur comments abt my teaching methods. i know my methods are not good but e last person i want to get advice from is u because after all this, i just realised that u were nvr sincere and have just been putting me down, even though u sound damn positive.

and srry, i'm not coming to ur sunday mass.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

up up and away....

MY HOLIDAYS ARE ENDING! LOL. damn i'll just hide in a corner and cry.

but hey life's been great for the second half of the holidays. i was sulking and bawling for the first half because as i've told u, moe ran out of stamps. lol. so their shipment of stamps arrived on the second half of the holidays and thus i received consecutively 2 letters that was pretty much crazy.

end of holidays means i'll be quite depressed for a while because there'll be people i have to face, students in particular but hey i'll get over it. the sad thing was i didn't miss them as much as i missed my pupils in cps. classroom management for p4s has always freaked me out in fact was having nightmares abt it during holidays. haix. does that mean i love teaching less? i'm not sure too.
i've been out with the backrow alot during this hols, lol, very very close ppl whom i can just go crazy and don't give a damn.


freedom will be on 22 july. there'll be ppl i'll miss but i've learnt enough and this experience has been humbling enough. 4 wks from now till 22 july to psycho myself to pick up my books and start studying again.

up up and away....
i want to apologise, not to feel less burdened by guilt

i want to apologise, to let u know how sorry i am to put you through this though we were both at fault

i want to apologise, to let u know that it was never my intention for this to happen

i want to apologise, to let u know that if u even felt any pain at all, i had my fair share of pain because of this as well

i want to apologise, to let u know tt because i, as an adult in the situation, had not done my part well, it had led to things getting from bad to worse because i was supposed to know how to manage the situation.

i want to apologise, to let u know that i have learnt my mistake and will not make it again.

i will continue to carry this burden, i will continue to carry this guilt, till i learn how to set things right.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

to all

i know words can never be enough


thank u for being there :)

Sunday, June 08, 2008

我就是这样

今天遇见了你,你变了,但是笑容依然那么迷人灿烂。你曾经给了我很多,不知道我作为你的朋友给予了你什么。还是同样一句话,不管我们以后怎么样,我很高兴,也从不后悔认识你。

i have every reason to continue writing here, and i have every reason not to. i don't know why ppl get so much pleasure from harassing ppl even though this blog was never meant to be private since the "common" argument is that a blog is never a private diary. post it up here and u shld also be ready to face criticisms. wadever

it's a constant question i ask myself everyday. how much have i learnt from past mistakes? how can i be better? yet i've always been at a lost to questions from students like, y shld i change? y shld i be a better person when i'm fine being who i am now?

because we all want to be loved? because we all want someone to care? because by not following the social norm, we risk being an outcast and thus being out of touch with others. we'll be alone. we are scared of being alone. because no matter how much of a misfit we are in the social norm, we will always try to find other misfits to gel with.

i want to change because i'm in pain. i want to change because i can't let go. i want to change because i know i can be better.

and then i sit there and wonder if everyone goes thru the same phase as i am. i am already 20 & yet i have problems with emotional management. i am 20 and yet i still don't know who i really am after 20 yrs. i am 20. i am 20.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

i think it's inevitable tt in this life, we'll meet up with ppl who really truly care, ppl who are just superficially caring, ppl who try not to care, ppl who simply don't care, and ppl who are plain bastards.

Monday, June 02, 2008

晴天呢?

固执下犯下的错误,以等待来惩罚我,你够残忍了吧,是因为我不够成熟还是我破坏了学校的名誉?

要如何才算是尽力了?我不否认有能改进的地方,但这代表着我没尽力吗?

雨后不是有晴天 吗?

晴天呢?

很痛苦。

Thursday, May 22, 2008

so everyone got into the interview huh.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

孩子,妈妈永远爱你------


这是网上流传的一个帖子,我们没有办法核实真实性,但我们坚信,灾难面人性光芒的真实,它给了我们前行的力量。全文如下:

抢救人员发现她的时候,她已经死了,是被垮塌下来的房子压死的,透过那一堆废墟的的间隙可以看到她死亡的姿势,双膝跪着,整个上身向前匍匐着,双手扶着地支撑着身体,有些象古人行跪拜礼,只是身体被压的变形了。救援人员从废墟的空隙伸手进去确认了她已经死亡,又在冲着废墟喊了几声,用撬棍在在砖头上敲了几下,里面没有任何回应。当人群走到下一个建筑物的时候,救援队长忽然往回跑,边跑变喊“快过来”。他又来到她的尸体前,费力的把手伸进女人的身子底下摸索,他摸了几下高声的喊“有人,有个孩子 ,还活着”。


经过一番努力,人们小心的把挡着她的废墟清理开,在她的身体下面躺着她的孩子,包在一个红色带黄花的小被子里,大概有3、4个月大,因为母亲身体庇护着,他毫发未伤,抱出来的时候,他还安静的睡着,他熟睡的脸让所有在场的人感到很温暖。


随行的医生过来解开被子准备做些检查,发现有一部手机塞在被子里,医生下意识的看了下手机屏幕,发现屏幕上是一条已经写好的短信“亲爱的宝贝,如果你能活着,一定要记住我爱你”,看惯了生离死别的医生却在这一刻落泪了,手机传递着,每个看到短信的人都落泪了。
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Monday, May 05, 2008

OMG CAN U SENSE MY DESPAIR





i'm here marking scripts and everyone is getting wrong like they can't wait to give me marks!!!

JUST STAB ME. IS THE WHOLE LVL GOING TO FLUNK MATHS?????

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and i tot the paper is bloody hell easy!!! i mean that's wad i tot and that's wad e principal said too!!!

OMG KILL ME

Sunday, May 04, 2008

u know what....

u know what.... five months into this and i still feel very lost. and i've been getting into alot of trouble with the kids and the higher ups recently...

i cannot find anyone to talk to in sch. and all this is like my fault. or maybe it is my fault. even till now i know there are things that i must do but i have no idea what or things are just being thrown at me and i have to know how to do it immediately. no one is telling me where or when i have to do them, except for my another contract teacher who is kind enuff to tell me if i've remembered to do this or that of which 9 out of the 10 things i don't know.

i'm losing my motivation to work and i just wish for this to end. i wonder how my colleague felt the other time. and i know that i'm not the only one with this classroom management problem crap as well.

and i know the easiest way out of this shit is just to quit and then find another job or just another uni to study.

why have i held on until now? why can't i just let go?
what am i holding on for?

why can't i just die...

Monday, April 28, 2008

好寂寞~

对不起。我尽力了。

Saturday, April 26, 2008

好幸福啊。

感觉喜欢自拍的人心灵很空虚

可能是没有其他的东西或理由能说服自己在这世界上存在的价值吧

所以当发现自己心灵空虚时,也只能往外表看。

只要外表还像一点人样,或看的顺眼的话,这就足以成为我存在的理由。

很奇怪吧,这种感觉应该是少年时期常会体验到的。

但我都快成年了。。。


每天看到学生下课后和朋友成群的往学校门外冲,有说有笑,有些打情骂俏,有些牵着弟弟妹妹的手,哼着一支小曲走回家~

好幸福啊。

estelwen likes to camwhore


yesh i've taken a liking for camwhoring when i'm bored. my sch stuff hasn't been going as well as i wanted it to be.... again. like u know. wadever. my boss said friends dun like their frens to complain too much. yar. i'm really complaining too much so i think i'm pissing off all my friends. and i'm going to be a typical bimbo soon. assholes. slap me

due to sch stress and me combining my breakfast and lunch to just egg and bread, my weight has been dropping. from 60 kg during march to 53kg now. amazing isn't it? i hope it drops more. den i can advertise for marie france. MUAHAHA

and yeah, i know it's already halfway thru april but here it is. *takes a deep breath*
i would like to thank these people
faith
weilian
chee
zhixin
miao
wenxin
backrow peeps- julia, mel, shihui etc
LIMTWINS XD
junjie
chenjing
zhuangjing
and the list goes on (i hope i've not missed out anyone)

for the most wonderful 31st march i've ever had for this really bad year. i feel really loved and i know that i am nt alone.
because i've come to realise that as we all go our separate ways, we've become so flustered in our own world, trying to get use to uni exams/life or working life, i think little things like rmbring ur frens birthday is really really a big deal. so for all the wonderful memories that we've shared when we were still students and the short gatherings we're having now, i thank u and i'll cherish them. cheers to life. and i love u all.

~~~~

can teacher's be friends?

somehow i'm just having difficulty trying to understand what u've been trying to get across

are we just being old fashioned or is there really a boundary that u can't cross?

if being friends means that u can influence them positively, why not?

why draw a boundary?

how can u respect someone who behaves so seriously and stern in class and den start spewing vulgarities or go crazy in the staff room? aren't u acting in front of the kids, trying to be someone u're not?

how do u teach? how do u inspire?

Friday, April 18, 2008

damn u

damn this place

drop dead.

bang!

die....


effing headache

3 hr meetings till 5pm or later

u noe wad is shagged? it means when u dun even have the strength to walk and u feel like rolling on e floor.

yay

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

perfect strangers


i have....

over 102 friends in friendster

74 friends on facebook

203 contacts on msn

yet....

out if this few hundred friends i see online everyday,
20 i keep in touch with

people whom i can contact when i'm in deep shit
is almost as much as the fingers i have on 1 hand.

so let's do some maths.

5 out of 379 = 1.31% pathetic isnt it?

and i find it amusing that kids have difficulty comprehending, or in fact, that's how i used to think as well, i tot the more ppl u know, the more friends u have? so friends grow in numbers, they don't decrease! the tot of them even decreasing was atrocious to me, and now to them.

we used to want to meet up with the whole class, painstakingly organising class BBQs and making sure everyone joined, having websites where we could update each other of where we were in life, blah blah blah. look at us 20 years from now. i don't even know where u are, or even what u look like now.

who knows, one day when i walk past u on the streets, we'll just be back where we started.... perfect strangers.

i shld just get a dog XD

Monday, April 14, 2008

i wish to move on. :)


i had wanted so much to really grow up recently. because i realised the reason for all the pain i'm feeling now is my inability to accept what is considered to be duties of an adult and duties of just a teacher cum friend.

i realised that cedar has spoilt me. not that i didn't enjoy my stay there but it's because i was so protected and well taken care of that i couldn't take a slight stab in the back nor could i stand being alone in corner. i just didn't want to be forgotten. i just didn't want responsibilities other than teaching. i forgot that i was no longer a relief teacher. i forgot that the SWS team of big sisters and big brothers were no longer there.

if u don't like a job, no one can force you to like it. if u don't know, u ask & learn. live and learn live and learn live and learn. u of all people in the educational force should know that. as long as u live, take everything in ur stride and believe in ur abilities. everyone has done it before, so can u.

no one will reach out to you unless u take the first step and open up. we don't like people wallowing in self pity.

i need more time to reflect. i wish to move on. :)