Thursday, December 31, 2009

insomnia

i can't slp

i can't slp

my heart & my head is not telling me what i need to know.

the end always marks a new beginning.

i want to move on.

yet i'm the only obstacle to my progress.

am i being selfish?

or is it all done in the name of self preservation?

why can't i slp....

------------------
i am no saint.

as much as she's an emotional leech

i might just be another emotional leech to someone else too.

i wish i was a better friend.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

hate post. hahaha

i think

e more i try not to hate someone

the more i'll hate.

the things that make u, u.

it's like u're trying to own my fucking life.

why do u care who i mix ard with?

why do u care

fuck u

get e fuck out of my life.

Friday, December 25, 2009

judge

don't judge me

tt's e first thing he said to us when he first met us

now this phrase is getting popular with us too.

but dont we judge all e time?

it's like asking humans not to breathe.

no matter how hard we try not to, we always form conclusions, we always have first impressions, if those are not judgements, what are those?

i guess ultimately

it's how we live with ourselves...

i guess...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Lonely She


Lonely She

Lonely, she climbs a mountain:
At the top, in mirror blue air,
Her cloud-white breath disappears—
She is nothing and does not care.

The neighboring mountains shrug,
Old men playing solitaire;
On her bare peak a single shrub
Shrivels in the sun’s cold glare.

The view of empyrean expands
Below the same sky everywhere:
She is nothing and nobody—
A spirit freed that does not care.

Like her trailing breath, she drifts
Far from the joys of despair
Until, too late, she thins
And disappears up there.

~Lionel Willis

Sunday, December 20, 2009

也只是空谈


一句一伤 无话可讲
你坐看缘分了断
当意念已转 再多遗憾
也只是空谈

一句一伤 无话可讲
我起身安静拈香
我停止想像 你的模样
闭上眼倔强

也许我和你的不同,就是我懂得控制,而你不懂。我学会了独自流泪,而你不会。这,就是你我之间的距离吧。
dear faith

i miss u

lol

it's sunday

to u, to us, to all

dear god

i'm tired n weary

yet i'm unable to slp

i'm unable to do anything

yet they keep coming to me, overwhelming me with emotions, making me confused

dear god

i wish for peace in my heart

i pray for gd night's rest

i wish to be free from these ppl.

~~~

maybe i was't meant for these kind of things

e inability for me to accept ppl can just move on, have flings, play with each other emotions like it's some cheap dirt that don't deserve any respect. how is this different from one night stands?

what do u mean by being "professional"

i know i haf no right to judge.

maybe i wasn't meant for this kind of friends

Saturday, December 19, 2009

a tale, a tall tale

i am affected

by things that does not concern me

but by people tt are related to me

i dun noe why i'm affected.

it's a weird feeling

maybe these are e things u just can't control

no matter how rationale u try to be

no matter how much u tell urself tt it doesn't make sense

maybe tt's how u feel

maybe i'm starting to understand how u feel

that these things cannot be controlled

the jealousy, e possesiveness, e fear

tt's wad makes us so fragile

tt's wad tt makes all of us so selfish.



Prayer of the Selfish Child

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray thee Lord my soul to keep
And if I day before I wake
I pray thee Lord my toys to break
So none of the other kids can use em
Amen

Shel Silverstein

Thursday, December 10, 2009

insomnia

insomnia shld be killed n shot in e head.

fuck it's 6am.

to think i was wondering how on earth can ppl haf insomnia

now i'm wondering how on earth ppl with insomnia get their slp.

~~

my sis said: "u're bothered by ur rmmate"

"yeah i noe. i don't give a damn"

"well, now u're contradicting urself"

maybe it's gd to know her through the eyes of someone else.

someone else less judgemental. someone who didn't noe abt her past.

living together does take it's toil on u. u get worn out. u get jaded. n den u wonder how u cld haf lived with her for 1 year n a half

n now tt u're nt living with her, u wonder how e tot of applying for a single rm cld occur to u

humans are such a pain in arse.

fucked up.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

life : flikr defined

life is


learning how to be alone

but at e same time
knowing that there'll be bright splashes of colour which will brighten up ur days


it's abt learning to take chances,
opening doors which might lead to dead ends, or not



it's knowing that u'll be in a dumps,
once in a while



ultimately, it's abt love
loving someone, someone loving u



And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

at 3am

i came to the sudden realization

that i've become too concerned abt how i look on e outside

that i neglected how i looked from e inside.


why is this balance so difficult to maintain...

~~~
@ age 21,

simin still doesn't know what she wants from life still.

but one thing i know for sure.

i am loved, n loving ppl for now

n for this.

i am happy. e way i am now. for now =)

知足

Saturday, December 05, 2009

truth hurts

i wonder if telling my mum abt it was e right thing.

i just dun wan them to look at me different.

i'm nt crazy.

i'm normal.

aren't i?

----

just when u tot it's so simple

everything starts to get complicated again.

life suxs when u're walking in circles.

Monday, November 30, 2009

what are the answers?

what are u to me

i don't know

there is happiness

when u try to cheer me up, or give me suggestions when i feel lost

there is companionship

but there is this constant fear

in confiding in u more den i should

this is this frustration

that u don't understand me n what i need, but it's more of me understanding what u need.

is it just me? is it because of the aftermath of wad happened so many years ago.

it was supposed to be abt forgiving on my part.

is it right of me to expect anything out of this friendship?

because somewhere inside. it tells me

that i can nvr depend on u when i fall...


why do u make it sound so simple?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

smile =)


n i have e urge to start learnin e piano again. i can't cordinate my L & R hand e other day i played. bad bad. shows tt i'm getting retarded.

so many things to do....

so many ppl i miss...

=)

Friday, November 27, 2009

HA

having 2 blogs to accessible to e public, one limited, one to everyone

is like having split personalities.

it makes u wonder.

what kind of facade are u trying to put up

who are u actually.

Distance


“Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer. Go some distance away because then the work appears smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance and a lack of harmony and proportion is more readily seen.”

~Leonardo da Vinci

Monday, November 23, 2009

that day...

i rmbered tt day was a whirl....

we had just celebrated a fren's bday n were back in our rms. tired.

then i quarreled with a fren online.

den suddenly things just spun out of control.

like i just wasn't in control of myself anymore.

eh, how? i'm in pain. what shld i do?

erm, go jog? cut urself?

crazy arh. wad kind of suggestion is that?


well, i took it in e end anyway.

guess normalcy shldn't be in my dictionary when i decided to stay with her.

she can only be a fren to share weal. not woe.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

as what we'd like to be.



...We all perform.

It's what we do for each other all the time,

deliberately or unintentionally.

It's a way of telling about ourselves

in the hope of being recognized

as what we'd like to be.

-Richard Avedon

just an observation...

i dun wan to wake up. she mumbled

but jason didn't eat breakfast. he's waitin for u to eat with him. i said.

she almost immediately opened her eyes, sat up on e bed & tried to force herself to wake up.

for him

interesting how she would slp through her dates with all her gfs, ie, us, despite knowing full well tt we'll be angry with her, or knows that we've been pissed with her countless times, refusing to budge when her alarm rings.

quite a biggggg difference in attitude here dun u think....

hmmmm.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

i figured


that i'll be happy.

in my little comfort zone.

i dun like venturing

into places i dont know

because they hurt me bad

they make me cry...

all e way to e end

because there is no right and wrong way

and i'm falling and scrambling to get on my two feet

then i'll look at the sky, smile

take in a deep breath

i know i can do this

all the way to the end

Monday, November 16, 2009

this.is.dedicated.to.e.psycho.#2.of.e.yeo.family

my sis saw e scars the other day we went out.

wad happened? she said, & then stared at me

i fell, i said, flatly. u noe just fell & scratched myself la! den i gave e stupid farking nervous laugh

OI, say leh.


ok ok, i did it. i dun noe wad happened. it just happened. i'm fine now. no worries.


i mean urs wasn't any better. den i stared at her wrist.


shuddup la. aiyar u wait for me to study my psycho a few more years den i'll come save u & ur stupid mensus moods.


HARHAR. ur few more years wld mean i'll be dead by den already.


i'm so glad she's taking psychology. because she's so psycho smtimes. (judging frm e photos she took with my webcam)




i guess we all are screwed. once in a while.

but i guess what makes us beautiful is that despite all e imperfections & scars. we move on. with vigour. loving & hating life each day. that is us. that is what make us the perfectly flawed human.

i.love.my.sis.
(pls dun tell her i uploaded these photos here. haha.she will so kill me)

n depression & self multilation are more common den we think. said to be dr psycho yeo . haha

Sunday, November 15, 2009

sending...sent....

i've been receiving live feed from my rmmate regard her status b/w her & her bf. since thurs

it's like having live updates every few hours.

almost like facebook. just tt u can't choose to ignore.

n now tt all of us (3 of us, plus her new flirt, which i assumed will be in her mailing/sms list) are having exams, there's this sense of helplessness due to our inability to commit.

for me. i think life still stays pretty much e same. just that i am affected nonetheless. but i try to ignore it.

"he said he v unhappy... he said he tried his best. then if i wan 2 break den break"

i wonder why she msged me abt this. when she had always wanted an end to this r.ship which she felt was another burden to her already very hard & sad life.



i instinctively typed this:

"babe, whatever it is, we'll be there for u"

i contemplated for a long while... then i deleted e unsent msg.

i began typing again...

"babe, whatever it is, stay strong."

sending...sent....

Thursday, November 12, 2009

to my rmmate, long overdue

to all those who've been in a relationship or are in a relationship now. pls define love for me. like just tell me. what makes a relationship?

because i think my NIE mates are screwing up that definition very much....

~~~~~

and i am my rmmate's slave.

like sriously,

she still sets her alarm clock, it rings, she doesn't wake up, i'll wake up instead, and i'll wake her up. & if she still doesn't wake up, i'll go into a supposedly snooze mode, n try to wake her up again n again n again.

simin = alarm clock

her fking alarm clock can ring for ten times within 5 minutes. n because she likes to slp on her phone. i bloody hell can't off e alarm.

she cooks, eats, and then leaves her pot there, expecting it to be miraculously washed for her. she has a unwashed cup that is untouched for 3 wks, a box with mouldy bread & god noes wad.

simin = dishwasher

she doesn't go for project meetings, cus she either can't be bothered, or she overslept.
her grp mates, & also my NIE friends will complain to me. i'll shurg, and say maybe she's nt feeling well.

simin = ass - coverer.

with her r/ship on e rocks, & e probability of her breaking up with her bf high, i believe there will be one less person to nag her abt her medicine & stuff. i wonder who will be taking up e responsbility nxt.

but honestly, selfishly speaking, i do fear for myself, alot of times. cus she noes that there'll be ppl she can rely on when she falls. she keeps thinking that she's independent, that's because she doesn't noe e trouble she's gotten into and how much her friends have covered up for her.

i can fucking qualify for a nanny.

and she still says i'm controlling & fierce & don't let her whine in front of me.u think i want arh. i wish i was callous enough to leave u there to rot n mould like e bread. because it's nt my fucking business. because u weren't even there for me when i fell...


u have no idea how much i still hate u. how much i still can't let go....

siaoness

i've come to the conclusion

if death was nvr an option,

then why not choose e path where u can be happy.

like just happy??

since u can't bring fucking As into ur grave. hahaha

过客 - 我们都是彼此的回忆

感觉~

21岁的我好像变得更寂寞。 我们都会远走高飞,我们都有自己的梦想,明年起,就有朋友开始工作,也有朋友会到国外念书了。我们这份友情,会那么的长久,不变吗?

可能,到时候,你已不在我身边了。

人...都会变,都会在自己的旅程上找到新的伴侣,新的归宿。


唯一不变,就是回忆和那疯狂灿烂的笑容。

埋在心里。

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

hello world.

maths test is dead

my rmmate is nt coming back. ever. =)

ok la. only for now. she's sick.

which is kinda of gd. i need alone time & m gettin it.

i've also realised that she's shut me out from her personal blog.

considering e recent chain of events, i guess we do have ourselves a whole list of misunderstandings and unhappiness. plus, both of us are sensitive ppl so it's not making things any better. so after i've screamed at her for a week, we are now very cordial with each other.

i am slightly bothered. but not very bothered.

i wonder y i m slightly bothered. i was hoping that i wldn't be bothered at all.

cus i nearly blurted out e whole list of reasons why i still do not like u.

i practically threw e words " I HATE U" on her face.

it'll be like. ten reasons why i hate my rmmate but still stay with her.

but, she is not a bad person. we're just on different frequencies. we believe in different things.

not like i'm a easy person to stay with too. i'm a paranoid temperamental bitch.

demanding simin

lol.

i'm back. i'm hopeful. hello world.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

it's not

it's not abt what u are not

it's abt who u can be...

live.strong.and.hope.



i miss my brother...

Monday, November 09, 2009

i think i need to see a doc...

because i can't be cutting myself everytime just a wk before my mensus come.. it's not a very gd indicator u noe. lol

fuck. morbid shit.

let's wait another 3 months to see....

Saturday, November 07, 2009

considering e fact that i am now very very paranoid, very sensitive to comments & u being fully aware, i dun think u commenting that "now a days, my friends all make me worry"is a very nice thing to say.

i didn't want u to worry. so fuck off. i didn't ask u, & i dun need u to.

i could fucking kill my roommate one day.

she thinks she's my fucking saviour or wad.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

total FAIL

because u have been so reliant on bfs dat u can't do without one.

rite... den i must be a total FAIL in their case.

we all need emotional support.

just that i noe that i can't always lean on the same person everytime.

i'm not light u noe. 55kg...

Monday, November 02, 2009

i scare myself sometimes....

e things i think i can do for e ppl tt matters to me...

:(((

Sunday, November 01, 2009

HARHAR


the sight of vomitting pumpkins just cracked me up. hope it'll make u smile too =)

glimpse of heaven


through that tunnel of raging waters & utter chaos...

i though i caught a glimpse of heaven

Friday, October 30, 2009

i think i've been losing it these days.

just yest was enough...

this is hard to bear...

but i'm hopeful that it will end soon.

pls just let it end soon :(

maybe i shld just check into IMH... woots

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

and den u keep asking urself

everyone is doing e same thing

everyone is facing e same amt of shit

why is it that u have to be different?

why aren't u able to cope?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

3 am, it's when i think of ways i can just kill myself.

there's this overwhelming self pity.... it is scaring me.

den it whispers to me.

"why are u living..."

i don't know...

"it's so tiring isn't it..."

i noe.. it is...

"end it all..."

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

i did a really stupid thing

and i didn't mean it when i said it.

but still....

i'm just really sorry.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

fail

simin is stupid, because she tried to act smart.

fail

nxt time. just go straight to e point pls.


failing is not the end, it is failing to stand up that's e end
so what if there's this problem all along. this fucking problem hogging me and not letting me go..

it's not like i didn't try. i try. hard. every single day to breathe.

and yet it still has to come and bug me every once in a while.

persistant bitch.

why are there no solutions to this problem?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

i would like to say

what the fuck.

to

my rmmate, my nie mate.

both of which i have no obligation to be nice to, since both i dun really like.

farnnie how i've been living with her for almost 2 years, and we share so much secrets. oh wait. it's her secrets. i dun share mine with her. since she openly doesn't like most of my other friends that i'm close to. like i'm exclusive to her. she can fuck herself and die.

i dun like her. still. for e fucking things that she does. for her irresponsibility towards herself and others.

so what if i'm e fucking wayang queen and i dun like to say things directly. if i had to be direct, it wouldnt be nice. at all.

fucked up bitch. if u think u noe me very well. think again. ur judegement of ppl is really screwed.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

hope

There is a saying that the earth upon which we fall is the same ground which enables us to push ourselves up again. There's another which maintains that barley grows better after it has been trampled on. Human relationships are sometimes painful, but there is no such pain from which we cannot recover. It is up to us to decide to live a life free from self-doubt and despair in spite of our failures. Indeed, it is during our most humbling moments that we should show greatest poise and grace. Then the dignity of our lives will truly shine.



i think, religion gives her alot of hope. ignoring the fact that their ultimate aim is to achieve world peace in the end.

i think religion gives her hope to move past tragic events in her life. to keep her strong and calm in the face the worst that life has to "offer". in fact, 12 years of knowing her, i've never seen her cry. at all, despite all that she's facing. she's never blamed anyone or life. she just lived. for passion, for her family, for her friends. she just lived life to e fullest.

if there's a embassidor they need for living life to e fullest, i think she fully qualifies for that. without doubt.

she gives me hope. always.

Monday, October 12, 2009

there must be something really really wrong with me.

if i keep complainin abt ppl, den i think e fault lies in me, not?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

玄姚

缘分

莫名得让我们俩相遇

我们自己,却选择了让时间,岁月把这份浓厚的感情淡化了。

与其说岁月不饶人,不如说我们自己不懂得珍惜。

忙忙碌碌的生活,到底是成为了一种无奈,还是一个能逃避现实的借口。

我们就这样忘记了什么是简单,单纯的快乐。

上を向いて歩こう (I shall walk looking up)
涙がこぼれないように (so my tears won't fall)

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

at 3am, u kinda lose ur mind & hope u'll die...


i think minds weren't made to stay awake till 3am in the morning.

but it's also late in e night where u get to actually reflect about ur life. ur life that has just past within e last 24 hrs.

u ask urself what's wrong with the things u've done today to deserve that kind of crap u get from ur friends.

i mean 2 within a day just makes u wonder if u're one of e worst asses in e world.

maybe i do get a little pushy overzealous and fucking self centered sometimes.

oh fuck this.

i shld just slp.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

PSLE

it was 20 mins of screaming at my brother for the upteem time on why he's not using the method that i taught him and which worked for him as well.

and then i watched him cry & sob uncontrollably.

and i tot to myself. humans must be e stupidest animals on e world to get themselves so upset over their studies.

whoever said that the responsibility of students was to study is a pile of shit head.

there must be more than life to this.

this is definitely not gd for e kids.

no wonder we are all getting screwed.

recess wk

i wonder if there'll be a day

when i'll become so dellusional that i'll take my own life

the chances of anything happening at all is just like e probability of u getting knocked down by a car.

but then again there are ppl who do get knocked down by cars. like one sunny day. like any other normal day.

what makes u desperate enough to take ur own life?
when u have nthing to lose? or when u have nthing to gain?

my recess wk was a little screwed. i think i slpt for a wk. or maybe it was all a dream...

i think funerals are like this little sacred places where time just stops. where everyone is like black and white. time ceases to exist. and i guess with that, emotions are numbed too. surrealism in nostalgic way.

i'm sorry i cldn't meet up with u faith. i miss u loads. :(

Friday, October 02, 2009

if we studied this for LEP, we wld have all gotten As. XD

史记·陈冠希列传

陈公冠希者,江东上海府人也,龙额准目,骨骼清奇。冠希年尚垂髫,肆意狂放,不拘礼法,世人奇之。时有名士宋祖德者,见冠希,异其貌,讶然曰:“此子治世之情魔,乱世之淫棍也!”
  
  冠希之父,岭表巨贾,家资亿万,然冠希少时父弃其母,携小蜜而去,独遗巨资与冠希。冠希遂得日糜金二千,恣意放浪,悠游裙钗之中,狎戏脂粉之间。
  
  既弱冠,冠希携巨资而入梨园为伶,未几,声名鹊起,名动香江,粉丝甚众。香江梨园,佳丽甚众,纯女熟妇,万紫千红,环肥燕瘦,婆娑婀娜,浅笑 轻颦,极尽瑰姘。冠希见之,怅恨良久,叹曰:“不入此间,不知天下佳丽何其多也!吾必一一御之!”左右皆笑,以为妄言,冠西太息曰:“嗟乎,燕雀安知鸿鹄 之志哉?!”
  
  时有丽姝曰钟氏欣桐者,或谓之“阿娇”。冠希见之,曰“吾必御之!” 或曰:“此女甚纯,常自比贞女烈妇,恐不可得也!” 冠希笑曰:“以貌取人,失之子羽。诸君徒知其貌,安知其底?!吾且为诸君尝之,诸君但作壁上观,温酒以待吾归!”遂入阿娇金屋,倾而,执阿娇亵衣以归,而 镬酒尚温,左右皆拜服!或赞曰:“温酒之间,斩将夺旗,古有云长,今有冠希!”
  
  冠希既得阿娇,意尤未平,偶遇熟妇曰张氏柏芝者,魂动心醉,情难自禁,遂提枪而往。或劝曰:“不可!阿娇很傻很天真,然此女黠甚,公今虽得之,异日恐受其害!”冠希不纳,拔枪而上,鼓而攻之,粉肠一现,柏芝束手!
  
  冠希既收柏芝,遂欲如洪水,一发不可再收,终日游荡梨园,渔艳猎色,遇花弄花,见柳戏柳,半截粉肠,无孔不入,所御之女,虽罄南山之竹,难以数之。
  
  冠西好画,尤嗜春宫,其御百女,皆以相机摄之,存之电脑,或邀朋共阅,或举杯独赏。后电脑崩坏,与修,冠西春宫遂泄。好事者闻之,以千金购 之,散于网上,遂天崩地裂,百兽惊惶,中外侧目,香江鼎沸。夷人闻之,皆惊曰:“中国者,冠带之国,礼仪之邦,圣人之所在,而蛮荒之所慕也!孰知黄暴若 此!”众女皆自危,或以千金购冠希之头。冠希闻之,急亡之东夷曰美立坚者,不敢复出。世人谓之曰“艳照门”。
  
  阿娇、柏芝闻事泄,皆惶然。阿娇泣告世人曰:“很傻很天真”。 柏芝之夫霆锋闻之,仰天叹曰:“吾识柏芝三十年矣,孰知其贱若此,反不如芙蓉姐姐也!”遂意欲休之。
  
  是时,冠西身败名裂,梨园索冠希之财,社团购冠希之首。冠希途穷路尽,遂告天下曰:“某今退出香港梨园,永不复出!”众人乃罢。
  
  或谓曰:“公何以自断后路?既出梨园,复能何为?”冠希笑曰:“此吾之计也!吾所誓出者,唯香江而已!浩浩中原,煌煌美夷,安得无为?今中原大豪张公纪中,已以千金聘吾饰西门庆矣,得无可乎?” 左右皆服之。
  
  复五十年,冠希卒,终前曰:“吾纵横半世,阅女无数,所不得者,惟西施、貂禅、昭君、玉环而已!今吾死,虽上追九天,下穷九泉,终当觅而御之,方无恨矣!”言迄,大笑而卒,左右皆汗颜。既卒,谥曰“黄品源”。然世人叹冠希之才,皆尊之为“黄帝”,礼祀与轩辕氏同。
  
  太史公曰:“中国自和谐后,奇事纷呈,惊世骇俗者甚众,然黄暴若冠西者,未之有也!奈何冠希之生不逢国,设投身东瀛,安知不可为倭国宰辅乎?”

Sie haben Angst

i am PMSing very badly :(

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

it means forever

at 12am... death is constantly on ur mind

...

u wish u cld get it off. fuck. i can't believe i'm emoing abt someone elses's dad. or maybe i'm just plain worried abt a friend whom i know can take care of herself better. just that smtimes i wish i could do more than just ask are u ok? it's a very fucked up question. because we are all trained to say yes i'm ok. dun worry. I WORRY BECAUSE U ASKED ME NOT TO WORRY.

...

and to think a few years back, u were thinking what's e big deal abt death.

now u know.

it means forever.

I am not there



Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.


I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived. ~Willa Cather

Friday, September 25, 2009

emo shit

must b PMS again

i cannot, must not, should not blow up at any person. especially kaiqi. fuck u kaiqi. because if i do, i can never take back what i've said.

chill, smile, because anger doesn't get u anywhere.
there's a reason why i changed my blog add

fuck u kaiqi.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

人海茫茫不知身何在

我像落花隨著流水 隨著流水飄向人海
人海茫茫不知身何在 總覺得缺少一份愛

凌晨四点半听这种歌词,会无缘无故的感到无尽的寂寞,会感到心。。。在哭泣。

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

because we are imperfect

i have been bitching more than i want to these days.

yet i guess i've come to the realisation that i'm not really a reasonable person to expect ppl to live the way i want them to be. what right do i have to demand that they live the way i want them to? e morally upright way? e simin way?

and because we are all so flawed, fumbling, crawling as we struggle to live life with a smile, we are all beautiful. because we live.

thank u for loving me, accepting me the way i am, and most importantly, letting me love myself too.

i love u. no matter where u are, what u've done for me. i. love. u.

Monday, September 21, 2009

My dreams

i think i'm pretty inspired after listening to a talk about making ur dreams ur reality. even though that talk was focused more on entrepreneurship. i can nvm set up a succesful business.. not yet.

if anything, backpacking around europe, 5 countries in 2 months was a like a dream come true and with it, the world basically opened up itself to me, the endless possibilities on this huge planet and also the places i could go should i just fail to make it in singapore. i mean, singapore is a fucking lousy place to die in.

so here goes...

At age 21, 21st September 2009, Simin wishes to
1. Backpack in every place possible, EXCEPT singapore
2. Sky dive
3. go places with a 4 wheel vehicle
4. Send my fucking greedy mother to Europe again if possible
5. get a car
6. die without a cent in her pocket. if possible, to spend my last moments sky diving.

so here's to u singapore. u're just stifling me with ur hdb blocks.

lol angsty.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

3AM rant. faith slp liao

blood

red

essays/test/caffeine overdose

Supernatural deprived/in love with castiel sam and dean

wants to pick up CABAL again

is not liking her job as a hon gen sect where i have to chase after hmwork. i mean come on u are already almost adults and teachers to be. deadlines are for a reason.

has been skipping lessons real bad.

is screwing up her sem again.

i want to eat gd food with faith. i wan to sky dive again. i wan to sit and blend into nature. i want to see feel and smell nature. not fucking HDB blocks.


proverbial nightmare

i want RI english.

S P A C E O U T

my fingers are bloodied. i dun noe why. it's dried blood.

i've been bitching alot abt ppl. e fucking girl that comes into our rm without waiting for invitation, my nie sch mates who expects me to do things for her but doesn't noe a damn thing when i need ans to simple questions, e girl who comes to our room to borrow water has recently upgraded to hoping that she can drink straight out of the jugful of water. fuck u, fuck u all.

really pls, knock on e damn door gently, and wait for ppl to open it. u dun open it and invite urself in. are u lackin in common sense or fucking morals?

i dun noe. that fact that my rmmate is ok with all these that's happening is making me sound even more like a bitch. i hate ppl who take me for granted. i hate ppl who are superficial. i hate ppl who think that because we are friends or neighbours, i have a responsibility to look after ur damn welfare.

i am either paranoid again, or they're just simply making use of me.

maybe it's e sense my privacy is being invaded, constantly by ppl i dun really want to see that's contributing to my increased output of bitching and bad temper. i already spend e whole day at sch with a mask on. when i'm in my room, i really need a break from this world.

i may be loud, i may be hysterical, i may be crazy. u can nvr imagine me as being quiet. that's because i dun show it to u. give me some respect and privacy pls.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My definition of love

Oxygen-Colbie Caillat

I came apart inside a world made of angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I fell over my feet
Like bricks underwater

How am I supposed to tell you how I feel
I need oxygen
Oh baby if I was your lady
I would make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby I will be your lady
I am going crazy for you

And so I found a state of mind
Where I could be speechless
I had to try it for a while
To figure out this feeling
This felt so right
Pull me upside down to a place
Where you've been waiting

单身的我

如果有男朋友代表常和他吵架,被他骂,常因为他而感到懊恼话 ,那么受气的话,为何还要他?

单身的我还是快乐的。=)



快乐原来可以很简单
简单原来是一种快乐

Saturday, September 12, 2009

IT's 3AM

& LIFE SUXS

HAHA. ONLY @ 3AM.

I WAN TO COMPLAIN SOME MORE

yes i'm writing three entries in a row

cus i want to complain.

my friends have been hell. no wait, they're my "frens"

frens who when u ask them to reconfirm certain datelines would say, i don't noe leh, ask e teacher lor

or frens who when asked abt wat's e ans of e certain tutorial will say, hmm ask ur rmmate! in an act of trying to be helpful.

WHY OH WHY WOULD I ASK U IF I KNEWW I COULD ASK SOMEONE ELSE?? COULDNT U JUST DOUBLE CONFIRM DATELINES ON THE BLACKBOARD?? HARLOW.

whyyyyyyyyy should i help these ppl. why why why? HUH.

i feel super duper helpess and stupid when i'm with them. what actually goes thru their minds? are they just plain blur, or they just dun want to help u? HUH??? HARLOW KAWAN KAWAN.

i am very jaded leh. facing this bunch of fucking idiots every day. i am jaded. u are such a fucking friend.

so technically, i have no frens in NIE. except for my rapist rmmate. how wonderful.

3am nuts

3am makes u nuts

and makes u writing nutty trash

things like

if i can't love u more, den let me love u long.

hahahahaha SIAO LIAO

and ppl who spoil market by posting really brainless things on e forum, u're an ass.

i dun like forums. they make u look stupid. the more u try to prove urself to e world, u more u're judged as being stupid.

all in all. stupidity. is. e . word. of. e. day.

confessions of a 难民营

recently our room has become a make shift pantry for ppl who come in to borrow things, refill their bottles or expect me and my rmmate entertain them.

initially it's funny, but after a while it's not.

i think there's no pt in being nice, really. because they are only concerned about how convenient it is to bring in two big bottles, stay at the door and say " i come in and steal ur water hor" and den fill up almost all e water u've boiled for e day.

nevermind the fact that she said she'd steal. i mean i dun mind u drinking up, but hellow??? could u at least refill my damn jug and boil some water for me so that i can drink as well? u think wad? i bought e jug so that i can boil e damn water for u until e pantry is built arh, which is like NXT FUCKING YR?

hello??? if u wanna drink fresh boiled water, and u noe u're gonna borrow from us almost every other day, USE UR UNDERGRADUATE BRAINS AND BUY A NEW BOILER OR SMTHING.

& to do DODO BIRD who comes into our room every friggin nite, knocks on e door so softly that no one can hear & den opens e damn door to invite herself in. HARLOW AH, U NVR HEARD BEFORE OF E PHRASE A CONSTANT GUEST IS NVR WELCOMED?? U THINK WAD, WE TALK VERY FUNNY SO U COME HERE WATCH SHOW ARH! tcs watch channel 8 also need to pay money, u watch us u better pay me some farking money hor.

and to e idiot who tried to borrow our damn induction cooker twice and thought that u'll get it together with a complimentary set of pots, pans and cutlery, get ur own cooker if u noe u're gonna get hungry at night.

AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE KNOCK ON E DAMN DOOR & WAIT FOR PPL TO OPEN IT!!

& my roommate things gd things must be shared. WTH LOR. more like gd ppl tend to be made used of and treated like stupid idiots who provide for others. we're not some welfare retirement home or a makeshift WWII refugee camp. WE ARE NOT UR FUCKING GOD EITHER. GET A LIFE.

so in e end, i have to say that my roomie has a very big heart and i have a very small and weak heart that is allergic to all e dodo bird running in and out of our room.

URGH.

why e ppl now a days so buay zhi dong one.

Friday, September 11, 2009

cut urself and everything will be ok.

y is it that we can be so easily angrily with others yet be so forgiving towards ourselves

first there is nothing, than the line becomes slightly pink before it starts turning red.
blood. draw blood. bleed blood.

we cut ourselves for a multitude of reasons. pain is e most common and accepted reason. i want to run from e pain. i am fucking weak. no one likes me. i am useless. i am clumsy.


some just like apologies, not because they are truly sorry. but because they hate e feeling of guilt nipping at their conscience. they seek for forgiveness because they don't want to burden themselves with emotions that make them feel lousy. change is never on their mind. they see nothing wrong with themselves.
smtimes, i wonder if that's e reason she went back to christianity again. i mean y not. god loves u. that's e line u've always wanted to hear from ur frens & family all e time but none refuse to say to u, because u always feel that their love is not whole. even if they gave it to u, u always wanted more. god, to u, is someone who can give u everything that u frens or familys can't.

e reasons are just so wrong.

that is what i see in u. always. u nvr change. u're just afraid tt ppl dun love u. u've nvr thought of why.

that's y i told myself, if u ever were to die one day out of self pity, i will not cry for u. i will not feel guilt. if anything, i've loved u as a friend & am thankful for e times we had together. we are all passing shadows to the ppl we meet in our lives and u will just be a fading shadow too..

我不是归人
是个过客

Monday, September 07, 2009

不要停,快跑……

五月八月

这故事发生在1937年12月的南京,日本军队进城开始。



我们要到长江边上,向爸爸妈妈 说一声再见。他们在南京杀了很多人。有男人,有女人,有老人,还有孩子。他们把煤油浇到这些人身上,用火烧……火把尸体烧成了灰,灰飘到天上变成云,云又变成雨,雨 撒进大江里,那里,有千千万万个父亲母亲;那里,有千千万万颗思念孩子的心……



http://s.bbs.sina.com.cn/pview-12-89200.html


http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4e1edd000100ei00.html

Filial piety

search wiki, & u'll know that this is one of the values held above all else in confucian belief.

i don't know y, but after losing both my grandma's within a short span of a year, i realised that there's no specific time in which u have to express love to ur parents.

because as we grow up & have different commitments, it's difficult for us to spend more time with them. "i'd visit u over e wkends, ma" my mum would always say to my grandma, but things would crop up, like my bro wld screw up his test & she would have to spend e wkends tryin drill that dumb block of wood with more assessment bks while my grandma would wait anxiously for my mum and us to go and visit her.

we stopped going down to my grandma every wkend after my dad had to work on sundays. we grew older to care too much abt them as well. my dad wld try to drop by once in a while, buy her fav food, & then look very dejected as she whimpers or blabbers non stop or just stare into space while we talk to her. "if fengyu stops his damn tuition, den we would have money to afford a maid for ah mah wad" i grumbled.

between spending money on buying us things that we want & meeting our needs such as toys, computers & tuition or paying for a maid for my grandma or just visiting her over e wkends, how are my parents to split their love among their parents & their own child?

den when both my grandmas died, my dad spent a few thousand on a paper house, while ironically lecturing us about how these funeral directors like to prey on their guilt. "don't waste this kind of money on me okay?" he said as we stared at that big paper bungalow in awe. my mum wld start to blame herself for not being there at the last moment because she was working.

i think they tried. but when life's realities come in & u join e damn rat race, it's so difficult to spend time with them when they most need u because u have kids to look after, or u just need a break from life/work.

if anything, it's e things that my frens do that really impress me alot. like how my fren would try to give money to her mum cus her mum spends money like water and tries to pawn jewelery thinking she can get them back later. like spending time watching movies with her mum, or changing dates for outings cus she has to go out with her mum.

somehow i always thought that i can only be filial after i have a job, after i have e money to support them, or by showering them with gifts, i would by definition have "fufilled my duty as a daughter". but then again, maybe after i DO get a job and have e damn money to shower them with gifts, who knows by then wad other commitments wld i have.

by then, wld it be too late?

Saturday, September 05, 2009

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Acts of Service

My Detailed Results:
Acts of Service: 10
Quality Time: 9
Words of Affirmation: 5
Receiving Gifts: 4
Physical Touch: 2

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Friday, September 04, 2009

dear god

dear god

i wish to be more forgiving to those who make fun of, mock, give snide comments of my beliefs just because they think they are of a certain religion and think they're more superior than others. in fact, they're more concerned about heaven and hell than they are concerned about living the moment.

i also wish to be more forgiving to those who don't understand and are unable to accept the presence of other religions or beliefs.

last of all, i hope that ur kind will stop mocking us, making fun of my beliefs just only because i believe that there is really nothing up there except of air, water vapour and space.

fuck u, stop calling me a atheist and have a nice day

amen

* no, it is not funny that atheist rhymes with other words. u're stupid if u think that a joke can still be funny after repeating it ten times.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

额。对了~~


韩国式、拥抱 says:
额。对了

[양사민] 五月八月 religion is really not on my side recently says:
啥事?

韩国式、拥抱 says:
教师节快乐~~~
你还算是教师。所以。嘿嘿~~

~~~~
还以为那些没用又忘恩负义的东西都把我给忘了,没想到他们心里还有我这个教了他们仅半年而又没什么成就的老师。 我想,这些点点滴滴,就是我当时的累,泪和苦换来最好的回报吧。

致天下所有的老师,别忘了,教师是最伟大的职业,是一个能因为那些不成器的孩子而落泪的职业,祝教师节快乐。

the owl connection


it sits on the table quietly, staring at me with those huge crooked eyes, nose a little out of place.

it tells that i need to mug hard, that i'm not alone, because somewhere in NUS Temasek Hall, there's i's other half, sitting on the other table, staring at the other person as well as she mugs hard too.

who said only twins had connection. :)

Friday, August 28, 2009

富贵花

还记的得中二时,学校带我们到花圃去参观。
那时刚好外婆中风入院了。
不知道为啥,看中了一颗毫不起眼的植物,就把它买下来,然后就默默地向那颗东西许愿,如果我好好的栽培它,那外婆就会好起来。
记得不久后,外婆也真的好起来了。那是六年前的事了。

那棵毫不起眼的植物就一直默默地长着,一直都不肯开花。
每次看到它,就不尽想起婆婆和外婆。

这次的七月,是婆婆和外婆走了之后的第一个七月吧。
它,偏偏在今年的中元节长了花蕾。昨天刚开了花。还是一对呢。

富贵花,开了。老爸通电时,第一句和我讲的就是这句话。
是好兆头吧,我问。
恩,还是一对呢。
好事成双吗,我说。
老爸笑了。

婆婆,外婆,相信...你们都过得还好吧。

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Happy Teachers Day =)


If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn't want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher's job.
— Donald D. Quinn
i've come to the conclusion that if i really want to backpack again. i can only do it alone or with someone who i am sure is mentally more mature than me and can take care of himself/herself. because i really can't take up e responsibility of looking after someone else. it's really tiring. and i don't want to be a mother yet.

i'm too easily affected by people.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

放生日

在一直埋怨的当儿,却不知道自己已经慢慢的习惯了你的存在。要离开时,才知道其实你是一个不错的人。
珍惜啊珍惜。

Sunday, August 16, 2009

i'm going to hell

i think i'm either a atheist, satan, or a buddhist. wadever shit it is. i dun really care anymore.

it just pisses me off that sometimes, i still live in fear or letting ppl know my beliefs because i know how unaccepting ppl can be towards others who reject miracles as proof of existence for the man up there. and it irks me more to know that my mum, thanks to her siblings aka my aunty & uncles, who are pious to the point of just blind followers, ok that's not a fair judgment, they are pious to the point of irritating just sriously brain washed my mother, whom i've come to realise will believe every dumb thing that works when i fucking tell u it's pure coincidence.

up to this point, my maternal family has spend thousands on my grandmother's funeral, and what not. & my parents had to quarrel because my dad refused to pay his respects to the Buddhist monks cus he tot they were blood/money sucking assholes who didn't deserve his respect. HURHUR. i mean wadever. i just tot it was ridiculous that a chair placed on top of three tables stacked on top of each other can only be sat on by a person with HIGH order of religious cultivation. so this monk will go up there & chant & supposedly some high ranking deity will posses him and give him powers. i mean WTF, he's just got gd balance wad. i tell u if it wasn't for my mother i would have climbed up there & sat on it myself. then everyone will say i'm the reincarnation of BUDDHA. HAHAHA. POWDERFUL RITE.

& yes i'm fucking stressed in e first wk of sch. i'm screwed. LOL. only for now.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Friday, August 07, 2009

rights...right

i think,no wait, i believe tt kids should be taught with the cane.

because no pain, no gain.

i'm totally irritated with parents, who think that their children should be informed of their "rights" in school. including "rights" to lodge a complain against a teacher if the teacher hits him/her.

so we end up having kids threatening teachers that they will "complain all the way to MOE" if the teachers punish them. if you find the tone of the kid familiar, look to the source. that's most probably what the parent sounded like when they taught them this line like it's a demon protection charm.

children with this new-found "rights" abuse it, because the only association they can see with punishment is that e teacher is an ass who should burn in hell. they don't see that punishment of the child comes from the teacher's anxiousness to want the child to do well, the teacher's anger from his/her unheeded advice given to the child. and if u think punishment by scolding, standing inside/outside works, think again.

parents have slowly come to see education as a service. we pay for the service. thus, we are right to demand that u teach our child academically & morally since education is the service u are providing. we are always right. yet, what they don't see is that this service is different from the commercial services you get, like the the manicures you get at the nail salon, or the hair cut u get at the hairdresser's.

in fact the concept of education being a "commercial activity" is so screwed up now a days that teachers are being treated like super-nannies, to teach a child academically like a tuition teacher, to resolve petty disputes among kids after school hours like a nanny, to be educate a child morally when parents are teaching the totally opposite at home i.e, parent asking the child to blatantly skip school because national day/sports day is not important.

education is not what u get in school. education means learning. and learning is beyond classrooms. u learn frm ppl around u, ppl u interact with in ur daily life, which means ur parents which are supposed to spend the most time with u. yet now kids are so deprived of all this love, that they come to sch, deprived, seeking to get all e attention they can from any adult, doing ridiculous things like declaring they have stomachache every 5 mins. parents cannot stand e fact that their child can be wrong. their child is perfect. *because the time they interact with their child is so little that sometimes, what they see everyday is just their child slping after they return home from work.* their child doesn't fight with friends. their child is e reincarnation of an angel.

maybe that's what education has produced, a generation of parents totally obsessed with how good or perfect they are. * rmb e times we wrote our own testimonial full of praise for our own damn achievements? * a generation of parents obsessed with the tag line, the customer is always right. a generation of parents who are so educated that they think they know every damn thing that they feel e teacher is wrong so if anything, THEY should correct the teachers, the teachers cannot correct their child.

sure, teachers have been in headlines for all e wrong reasons like molesting, demoralizing children, humiliating children by using lipstick to draw on them. but there're alot of teachers, many many more out there, working their hearts out for the kids. we joke about them in the staff room, discuss abt the craziest methods to torture them, but it all boils down to e love for e kids, e frustration at their inability to do what they think is best for them because most parents are just not seeing education in the right light.

if there's anything i learnt, it's what e vp said, whatever respect that the world has for teachers, we had better work hard to keep that respect, because there's really not much of it left.

it's so hard to stay true...

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

We are afraid.

Come to the edge,' he said.
They said, 'We are afraid.'
'Come to the edge,' he said.
They came.
He pushed them...
And they flew.

Peter McWilliams

~~
i think my blog is shit boring.i need 2 revamp. haha, that is if i can stop impregnating sims 3. wtf. no life. MUAHA

Monday, August 03, 2009

I AM 58% CEDARIAN!♥

CEDARIANS!
Relive your memories of Cedar now!
Enjoy~

FOOD!
--------------------

1. [] You spent at least 1 year of your school life patronizing the ba chor mee stall
2. [] You cut queue at the ba chor mee stall
3. [] You had disgusting things in your food in the canteen at least once before.
4. [ ] You avoided the wan ton stall
5. [] You spent more pocket money on wedges and aunty lily's snacks than recess itself
6. [x] You miss CGSS canteen food

JOGGING!
--------------------

7. [x] You recall the jogging sessions in the old cedar campus
8. [x] You cheered your heart out during the twice weekly jogging sessions
9. [x] You sneaked off to the toilet halfway during jogging, returned to the track when the rest of the class finished and pretended like you ran the whole 1/2/3 rounds around the school

ATTIRE!
--------------------

10. [] you own at least 2 pairs of FBT shorts
11. [x] You got away with your skirt being too short
12. [x] Your socks were as low as possible
13. [x] You made every excuse to not change out of your PE attire
14. [x] You never buttoned the first button on your shirt on purpose.
15. [x] You tugged at and pulled your skirt down ALL YOU COULD the minute you heard the word "Spotcheck"
16. [x] You still wear your House/PE T shirt occasionally
17. [] You had shoelaces in your blouse
18. [x] You were one of the Cedarians who wore blouses that were one/two size(s) too big for you so that you could tuck it out more
19. [] You faked an injury to wear sandals/slippers to school
20. [] You wore jackets in school because it was ‘that’ cold

ASSEMBLIES!
--------------------

21. [x] Wednesday morning assemblies were nap time!
22. [ ] You fainted at least once during school assembly
23. [ ] You hid in the toilet/ Kolam Ayer CC/any other place because you were late for assembly, quickly joined your class after assembly was over and never got caught for being late
24. [x] You know about the Cedar clock tower story
25. [ ] You never tapped your ez link card at the kiosks because you were too lazy to queue up
26. [x] You remember when Ms Susan Leong made us sing the school song and national anthem again and again because she wasn't satisfied with the volume
27. [x] You never sang or sang the school song softly because your friends were doing so too
28. [ ] You went for friday assemblies just so that you could enjoy the aircon in the MPH

LESSONS/FRIENDS/RANDOM!
--------------------

29. [ ] You go to the toilet during lessons and only end up checking your hair/doing your hair/chatting with friends you accidentally ran into/checking your cool attire for at least ten minutes
30. [ ] You threatened a teacher that your parents will complain to XXX
31. [x ] You have at least one good friend from PB (Prefectorial Board)
32. [x ] You got away with eating in class
33. [x] You had the fattest pencil case because it was stuffed with all those coloured pens and markers
34. [ ] You still use the blue/black uni-ball ultra-fine 0.38 pen (or 0.28)
35. [x] You had a crush on a male teacher before
36. [ ] Your class scared a male teacher away before
37. [x] You caused a chain of effect of screams because you saw a bug/lizard
38. [ ] You were one of the brats who was picked up by your parent(s) everyday
39. [x] Alternatively, you got a lift from a friend whose parent(s) picked them up everyday

EVENTS!
--------------------

40. [x] You have been to at least one Speech Day
41. [x] You never understood why the prefects would always start the Cedar Solid cheer after every major event
42. [x] You remember the day when a senior class yelled HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS SIM from the fourth floor classrooms & Miss Sim looked up from the ground floor in the old campus
43. [ ] You never managed to fill up the donation cards for 50Laps@Cedar
44. [ ] You went to the Cedar Carnival on Valentine's Day & saw teachers getting dunked!

MEMORIES!
--------------------

45. [x] You wonder why we never actually had prom (for 2008 batch only!) or if you did have one, you wondered why it was always in the MPH
46. [ ] You admire the Class of 2008 for getting good results!
47. [x] You have at least three relatives who studied/are currently studying in CGSS
48. [x] You will send your daughter to CGSS
49. [x] You’ve gone back at least once to visit after graduating
50. [x] You wish you could relive it all over again.

Count your unchecked boxes.
Deduct that number from 50
Multiply by 2.

50-21=29
28 X 2= 58%

repost this as:
I AM _% CEDARIAN!♥

~~~

i was bored. & yes. i still miss cedar alot. our clock tower is gone :(

FML

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

life's profit graph

i think life's like a profit graph

there are times when e gradient of e graph is a steep upward slope
ironically, that's when u're facing set backs in ur life, when u feel that everything in life is going downhill, spiraling out of control. that's when u start questioning urself, u lose all ur beliefs & try to reorganise ur life, u suddenly learn who's important to u & how important u are to some ppl. u question e way u live & think. some ppl gain new faith, others grow stronger in their beliefs. that's where u gain e most out of life. that's when u grow as u climb up e steep gradient of e profit graph.

there are times when e gradient of e graph is negative, sloping downwards.
that's when u are complacent, when u think u know everything in e world, u start taking relationships for granted,when u feel that everything in life is under ur control. there is no humility, only pride. u hurt ppl, others turn away from u. before u noe it, u are alone & have gone down e slippery slope which denoting losses. u are at e bottom. deep shit bottom. u dun gain from life when there's pride. u only lose what life has to offer.

then, there are times when e gradient of e graph is zero. that's when it's stagnant.
here, it can either go up, or down.
u have either recovered from a set back, or are enjoying e fruits of ur labour. u are contented, hoping not to slip into complacency. u look forward to things each there, albeit whine once in a while about how boring life can get on an island surrounded by water.

that's where my life is now. stagnant but still looking forward to each day, hoping that i can achieve more than what is set out for me. knowing that i can end up somewhere good because there's a world out there. there's also this constant fear, a result of paranoia i guess, that i might just slip and fall, but excited at e possibility that i might also be climbing up a positive gradient where i discover more of life's wonders & beauty.

but whatever it is, no matter where it ends, one thing's for sure, u know tt u'll definitely be going up, & u'll always be gaining something, learning something new, maybe not today, maybe tomorrow. that's life.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

lugen

i guess if i lied hard enough, i might soon come to believe it, and then live it.


maybe there is no need to question e existence of religion. if u're just happy where u are, and if it makes u happy believing the miracles it have done for u, then why wonder how all it came about...

original sin

我像落花隨著流水 隨著流水飄向人海
人海茫茫不知身何在 總覺得缺少一份愛

《舊夢》

Sunday, July 12, 2009

still recovering from e 13 h plane ride

i think e 13 hr plane ride is a good buffer time for u to make a transition from to reality

like reading a fantasy book by neil gailman neverwhere helped.

so... despite that buffer time, my 1 wk sch experience in a sch so jealously guarding its prestige was pretty fucked up. cus my slping hours were all wrong and i had only 4 hrs of proper slp each day. another anal thing about tt sch was tt teachers' image was something they paid so much attention to that u felt that there was a security camera attached to ur ass 24/7. taking into consideration that i was half an hr late on one of the days, i pretty much screwed up on impression pts... that is if i even wanna step into that sch to be a full time.

n despite being a trainee language teacher to be, my English proficiency is dropping way below acceptable standards. FAITH I NEED TUITION!! LOLLOL

~~~

e power of love means

sometimes, despite ur initial promise to urself that u'll wring ur mother and throw her down the rubbish chute, u realise that's e way she is so instead of getting all flustered over that idiot, u'd rather do something more meaningful like like... not getting angry. haha. wth

i am still pissed though. haha. shit her. damn. haha

Saturday, July 11, 2009

about the bitch

one thing i seriously cannot stand abt my mother

she's a fucking bitch

bitch to e max

there's nvr once we can stay for a long period of time at home without wanting to kill her

she likes to insist on her way of doing things.

and if things go seriously wrong and she's being forced to apologise, she'll just shrug it off as it's no big deal. fuck her. and den when we do smthing that is not to her liking she makes such a fucking big fuss about it. fuck that fuck bitch. damn motherfucker.

so im telling u, we will all move out of this damn fucked up house sooner or later.

or else one day i'll fucking just wring her neck and throw her down e rubbish chute.

fucking chee bai.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

taste that life

it's pretty ironic

how MJ with his much chaotic and almost insane lifestyle like molesting boys (dun noe true or nt still), dangling his baby over the balcony is instantly forgotten or only stated matter of factly after he dies. all this just pales in comparison to his legacy, his death, his very neglected childhood that makes u feel pity for him. pity, only comes in after death.

i guess that's wad happens to anyone dead anyway. when they're alive, they can be the reincarnation of satan but death immediately makes them an angel, all sins forgotten or forgiven, all evil hidden under that sheen of angelic light.

~~~
i wonder

why we don't talk that much anymore.

but i guess we all have to move on.

with or without each other

that's life

that's life shoved in ur face. taste it. bitter, cold & cruel.

grow

to be a teacher means

learning to draw the line between urself and the student

it means not making e same mistakes u made a yr back

it means that u'll continue to instill in them the love for learning.

it means not to forget why u chose NIE, not because u had no other choice, but u chose, out of ur own free will, to be continually inspired by the ppl who have taught and e ppl u will teach in time to come.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

smartness

2nd july

nie wants us to take a leave of absence for 7 days which means that my practicum and stuff will be affected.

3rd july

moe says tt moh has realised tt e stupid home quarantine is well... stupid so since itll be lifted on 6july, e leave of absence will not come into effect. nie has not made any announcements as yet.

and to tell u e truth, e home quarantine thing is just downright lame, i have 4 other ppl in my family, they work, they step out of e house, how e hell will it be effective if 4 other ppl can move around freely while at e same time are able to interact with me without any precautionery measures. u think germs only stay on one person ah. and i probably would have cause a outbreak in changi airport as well since i covered alot of area from the time i alighted e plane till e time i met with my family at e hall. wadever

LOSE.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

xiang jia

i suddenly miss home. alot alot alot...................


live on.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

But mournfully I spread my wide, white wings and return home to the fairy kingdom.. nothing shall bring me back again...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

bridge over troubled waters

"Oh, I don't reject your Christ. I love your Christ. It's just that so many of you Christians are so unlike your Christ."

supposedly by Ghandi.

a christian told me this. lol. lovely.

~~~

no i dun get love. i think it's too mushy for me. i squirm when ppl start doing mushy mushy stuff. i wanna punch them. LOL. maybe it's jealousy. maybe it's cus i feel uncomfortable with PDAs. & i dun really need it. not now. i'm happy e way i am. lol. j dramas are enough. if not i can always find it in geylang. HURHUR. from how i see it, love is just a burden. a really huge burden spiritually, emotionally & financially.

---------

& i'm a selfish person. because i really can't stay going out with ppl i dun really know well or who don't have e same interest as me.. i dun want to feel guilty splurging on sights or doing things u wun get to do in sg while she doesn't even know what's her budget & yet at the same time say that she is broke. i'd rather go alone.

i am living a dream. MY dream. in my dream i will fly, i will soar. nothing will tie me down. nthing. so pls dun make me wake up.

5th may.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A Dream

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbows will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true


i had a wonderful dream yest... pls make it come true... plsplsplsplspls

Monday, April 13, 2009

insomnia

i woke up @ 1a.m. with britney spear's 'circus' playing in my head...

the fucking continuous loops just wldn't stop. i wanted to cry...

i hate insomnia...

and now i'm addicted to facebook's restaurant city. HAHA

EXAMSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WOOHOOOOO....

pride

it is pride that makes u pass judgment on others

and it is pride too that will bring about ur downfall...

yang sa min, have some humility pls

Friday, April 03, 2009

a botlle of chicken essence. i am advertising. XD


a bottle of ji jing, with paper strewn all over the table, a laptop in the background, 4 windows on Microsoft word, one half done, one done to facilitate copying, the other two just random lines copied from here and there, the wall - e mug on the right with a cute hand drawn birthday card stuffed into it and a barney happy birthday party hat.

this is a crime scene. no one died.

it's 4am. i am brain dead. and have only written 870 out of 2000 words. if the look at it positively, 1500 is the min so life's not tt bad.

damn u for doing last min work. HAHA.

the party hat looks extremely forlorn on my table. but i can still smile from the events that happened two days ago. haha. the insanity of living in a hall, 4 people squeezing on the bed with me slping with face pressed against the wall so that my poor friends could sleep on whatever is left of the space on the bed. e insane cake made up of M&Ms (courtesy of my roommate) with 3 big candles?? HAHA. before i know it, i'm 30! LOL.

and e flooding of messages in my hp, my facebook, email from surprise surprise, my long lost US friend. HAHA. and there're farnnie ppl who keep wishing me happy birthday with exclamation marks again and again like they've caught an infectious diseases of happiness and they need to spread it me. i love them.

& my roommate and NIE mates bought me a day pack for my trip! i love my roomie lots and lots. haha. no wonder her bf was grinning farnniely when he wished me happy bday in e afternoon. LOL. the surprise home cooked meal didn't managed to make it's appearance in the end cus my roommate overslept. HAHA. but still, it was lovely.

it was MY day. LOL. they made sure i felt and understood that. even the lousy test didn't dampen my mood. and i'm so thankful for them. i tot i wld just rot in my hall on my 21st since most of e celebration was done over e wkends.

i'm still brimming with e overwhelming love u all gave me.
T H A N K Y O U

maybe adulthood wldn't be so bad after all. =)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

normal

“My darling girl, when are you going to understand that being normal is not neccessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage.”

Aunt Frances, from the movie “Practical Magic”


got this from my fren's blog. =)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Different intonation ?

now this exercise requires u to have 2 mentalities and two tones.

1. matter of factly tone: she is stupid/i dont approve of her way of educating children.

2. bitching tone: she is stupid/i dont approve of her way of educating children.

wad's e difference? sriously? i dun noe.

it looks e friggin same to me.

it doesn't matter what kind of mentality u have or what kind of tone u have when u're talking abt e context. if u're using a negative word or passing a negative comment, either way it's just criticising, it's passing a statement of judgement. u give value. what gives u the right to give value to someone or someone's behaviour?

sometimes, it's just e way ppl are, tt's e way they think is best for their child.

and no, i dun even expect my mum to change. it's a very sad thing but true. i've lived with her for a hell of 20 years. she's going 50 this year. her values, her beliefs, her temper is smthing that has been with her for 50 years. she's definitely been thru alot more den i have and these beliefs are smthing tt come with it. even though it fits e fucking mentality of most singaporean mothers, and can be easily represented in e movie i not stupid, it is utltimately who she is. i can't tell her, nor i can't expect ppl to tell her tt appraising ur child's "worth" through other means like ablility to do well in other non academic subjects is also a benchmark to show tt ur child is not stupid.

smart, defined by e society as getting As, if not getting into a local uni, getting a scholarship, is something tt is drilled into all of us. hell yeah i wld think tt a child is stupid if he/she can't do well in exams. ironically, it's how i judge my brother sometimes.

maybe all this while, it wasn't even my mum's expectations on me or her putting too much pressure on me. it might just be myself trying so hard to do well so that i cld make them proud of me again, like a pri sch kid showing my parents tt i got 1st and den watching them smile.

maybe it's this fucking elitist attitude that i have with me, that my institution is a second class institution cus we dun get a "pure" degree, we are slaves to e institution, & we are so helpless when oppressed. any fucking thing tt involves a warning letter,a bad record, it just mean that we're one step closer to hell, bankruptcy and breaking e bond. we just study, so that we may get a higher salary if we hit above 3.5. fucking mindless. and i'm one of them too.

so really, i thank u for ur concern. i am normal, i think. it's not a curse of e whole extended family nor is it up to jesus to salvage e situation. it is genetic, and heridatry tt we are born a emotional bunch, bordering on e range of bipolarism & that we have a really bad temper if provoked. it's like lions kill animals to eat their flesh. if lions thought it was a curse, they wld all be christians or have killed themselves by now.

just dun make it sound like it's her fault.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

e ups & downs

i'm pretty much screwed cus i have an assignment due mon and wed and i have not done a damn thing.

& it is effing 3am. i am drained.

and i have not studied my japanese as well. i dun noe wad is going on in class. LOLLOL.

damn tt stupid test on my bday. why e hell must it be on 31st?? URGH.

and julia is going thru e hard time for her attachment too... i wish there was smthing i could do....

we are all depressed, worn out. we need rest from this world..



weary...


pls dun let me fall. pls be strong.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

always on my mind


guess i can be pretty much possessive if i'm desperate / jealous.

if anything, i blame it on my all girls secondary sch history... haha. but then again i wldn't trade anything in this world for that 4 years there really. it's been so long...

but i guess once u get over e notion that e world doesn't centre ard u, u really cldn't care less & den ur live really goes on.

like e river...


i wish u happiness... really... even though we're worlds apart now.

i'm so over guys now. haha. ohmmmmmm

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

YESH! YESH! YESH!

Yosh my new blog created from an old abandoned blog for my upcoming trip! HOHO

ok la, i'm just excited ok. like gin nah like tt. nvr grow up. tsktsk.

MUAHAHA

Monday, March 16, 2009

simin loves rose and cousins. <3

lol u wld nvr see this on my msn post.

because rose is reading my msn blog. HAHA ok la. i shall stop making fun of rose. rose is my cousin. LOL. really? really! really i nvr bluff u. HAHA

did u just experience e effects of a word being repeated so many times. it becomes e opposite of what it's supposed to mean.

but when u say i love u so many times does it still mean e same thing?

there was once i got really sick of it. i got very sick of calling ppl babe, darling, honey.

i wanted to be normal. to be sane. i was tired of myself. of my stupid antics of trying to make ppl squirm and den laugh. it's like i cld just die without laughter. it's like i cld die if i was less insane. i didn't want to be a clown. i hate being loud. yet i cldn't live without it...

and i didn't noe my msn blog can cause such a commotion among my cousins really. u mean u didn't noe i wasn't normal? u mean u didn't noe my mum is not normal too? oh wait, it just runs in e family. i shld have known tt was normal and not complain abt it & make it sound so abnormal. i noe they care. & i'm truly thankful that they care so much so that they had to remind my mum to give my less pressure before i jump off e building or walk into e middle of e road.

i think less abt suicide now. it used to cross my mind alot, which i felt was normal when anyone's depressed or insane like me.

if anything, it was everyone's love that kept me alive. i wasn't e strongest in e food chain. and i fell.. down down down.. i figure i'm somewhere in e middle now, so i shld be happy cus there's always someone worse off, and i have no reason to run away from what life has to offer till july when i have my backpacking. HAHA. other than that maybe life will be pretty boring. HAHA. ok jking.

i feel like setting up another blog for backpacking. and den whine abt how i wanna go alone into italy and get mugged. LOL. simin has nthing but guts. simin will come back alive even if she has to travel alone. =)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

randomness

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

just tot it was pretty accurate for myself @ some parts. HAHA. SOME PARTS ONLY OK! look @ e bolded parts.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. (yes i'm very sweet! HAHA! LOL.) You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict.(very true) Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true. (dun noe, nvr been there. HAHA)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. (everyone tells me this, EVERY ONE AND EVERYTIME OK? so it's true? LOL)

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates. (HAHA! YAR RITE. I WISH ON MY DISH LOL)

Your views on education
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job. (not true! unless hmmm teaching is Unusual... it's not, its just pervertic. HAHA)

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life. (YOSH iron rice bowl!)

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous. (Too late, bonded, talk to me 8 yrs later)

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel. (SO DAMN TRUE OK! LOL. i'm such a control freak who on top of that is highly emotionally unstable. HAHA. so screwed.)


Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

rose

god came to me today.

addendum 15march:

& i told him he got e wrong number.

Libera makes me cry... again...



And when the end of day has come,
Stay with me through the dark and bring me home.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Libera!


YOSH! hahaha my lovely pedophilia tendencies are back!

Libera is out with their new album ~ Eternal!

even though they've decided to dump all e songs from e previous albums to this CD, i'm still looking out for their new tracks.. even though there's only 4

*^#$(*)&P#%* e producer

well.. it's better den nthing...

Libera is still keeping me alive...

FAITH & LIAN I"M SO GONNA SEND NEW SONGS TO EUUU! HAHAHA.

and i dun noe why ants are crawling all over me today. i've already killed 4. maybe i'm sweet.. hehe only for today :P

cuz i dun know u anymore...


i don't know why i still mark down ur birthday on my calendar...

year after year...

even though we dun talk to each other anymore...

Sunday, March 08, 2009

hurt

studying was nvr my forte...

and it's really sad because i cldn't really branch out to things i think i'm good at...

ppl wld be less impressed if i was good at driving den if i was better at studying & become a A producing machine.

my sis did well for her As.

at least anyone cld have done better den me.

what's more to us den grades?

at least i have one that made me proud with ur ability to study and ur grades. what do u mean at least?

u mean u were less proud of me because of that? u didn't have to say sorry. i was lying if tt didn't hurt.

Friday, March 06, 2009

why?

is it my destiny?

that ppl like to confess to me that they have felt suicidal, went to IMH before, and felt like no one understood them.

and it's not just one confession from one person alone.

it's always the same reasons...

what's their take on life...

why are they so willing to share?

why am i always e one to hear it...

Thursday, March 05, 2009

live on


i cannot live for god, because his existence is questionable

i cannot live for u, because things happen, people change and u might leave me

i cannot live for my parents, because they will move ahead of me when their time comes

i cannot live for myself for that would be selfish as my heart cannot accommodate anyone one else

i cannot live for love, for love fails, heartbreak kills, and it is not forever.

i cannot live for the memories or friends that have come to past, for they are gone and will not come back to me no matter how much i wish for them

i live and let my actions be guided by what i've been taught is good, if there's anything that ppl can judge me by, it is through one's virtue.

so please let me have a heart that will love, accept failures, differences, betrayal, death and separation and not judge people because i have no right to do so.

let me have a clear conscience so that i will not falter in my sincerity towards friends and family, be responsible to those i love and those who love me, and i will not be bitter about what life has not given me but treasure what experience has taught me.

pls forgive me if i've done anything wrong... i'm trying hard...

.heart.conscience.live.on.


divine revelation?
just because e sun was shining on me.
stupid photo. HAHA

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

the dummies guide to going bonkers

when constant worrying since last wk becomes a fucking heavy load dragging u into e abyss

depression comes nxt

then u seek help

u scream and shout online

vulgarities and all. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

dem u ask someone to go to e doc with u

resist e urge to slit urself and go nuts

resist resist resist e fucking urge

breath normally, stop e fucking asthma

slppppppp

tml is always a better day, ignoring e damn fact that u're struggling to stay alive swimming with e fucking grades.

verbal diarrhoea

Monday, March 02, 2009

i'd rather not exist

paranoia

fear, of the unknown. it's always abt what u think, & what i think i might have done wrong.
or maybe there is nthing even wrong abt it.

i wish i knew.
i wish i can describe myself in simple words.

i'm always on e edge, ready to fall, ready to spin out of control...

what are we all made up of? and what do we all seek in life?
is there a common ground?
am i living life the right way? what if all this while i've been a totally asshole with ppl hating me n i'm in total obliviousness

and it bugs me alot, because i dun really like myself now-a-days...

i'm becoming someone worse... i'm becoming someone i hate...

i'd rather be nothingness.... i'd rather not exist.