Wednesday, February 28, 2007

now i've found my place in heaven by ur side

it is only after coming close to death tt i've begin to think abt heaven in another point of view. nt exactly heaven but rather life after death. thurs funeral just before e CNY was e first funeral i've attended. e void deck was just empty & lifeless, with e child sitting at a corner, eyes swollen frm crying, hands stained red by e paint from folding indigots. her aunt with thick spectacles sittin nxt to her, feeling as lost as e child as to what to do with a 8 yr old child whom u've nvvr brought up and has no plans of bringing up. everything is so sudden, she kept repeating it, with a tinge of sadness & mostly just frm e fear of e unknown.

everyone just kept saying tt she's a poor child, losing both her parents @ such a young age. her mother just passed away last year, they kept saying, like to emphasis on e child being pitiful. e dad was going to remarry this year, e child was smiling so happily when she told me abt her new mother, added another teacher.

so what, after all has been said, no one cld help much, even me. her friends mother lamented on e child's lost, but nvr once offered to help, in any way tt i knew. e teachers smiled sadly @ e child when they saw her, but tt was all that they did, to smile & think to themselves tt e child is pitiful. i even had this crazy idea of letting e child stay @ my hse so tt she didn't have to change sch & can at least study in a environment she's familiar with. but thoughts being thoughts are useless.

whine whine whine

my recent entries wld appear to you as if my mental capabilities have dropped, or maybe it has in fact deteriorated (consider e ppl i deal with everyday are of p2 or less IQ. ) i have been in fact, ranting, fan girling, ranting again, & whining. but i guess that's how i've been getting thru with life. u can't bitch abt ppl @ ur workplace as much as u want to to avoid office politics. u can't just whine abt policies because ur boss might have set up bugs anywhere in e office. so basically, my mouth is shut abt ppl & policies so e thing i do all day is bimbotic ranting & keeping to my own corner most of e time.

some ppl have taken e pleasure of whining to me abt A lvls. how come u're nt nervous? *whines* how can u nt be nervous? *whines again* are u sure u're nt freaked out? it's ur As!! *whines like shit again*
ah duh! who's nt nervous, it's just tt i dun whine abt it as much as u do. who e fuck who takes A lvls, spending 2 yrs studying like shit for it and a few more mths worrying abt it nt be nervous?
for fucks sake i am human, i have my own set of fears and paranoia so if i avoid talking abt it to u, isn't if obvious tt i'm sick of ur fucking presence. i can't stand u whining abt nt eating lunch together just because i'm nt in e mood to eat. i can't stand u whining to me to go to meetings together just because i'm tired & i need my own space. i can't stand u whining for me to wait for u if u are damn slow. FUCK U. good thing now someone is here to replace my place for u to whine to so go fuck off u ava piece of shit.

oh pardon me, i'm supposed to write smthing intellectual *snorts*

i really don't mind if it's my close friend telling their fears, or even just being naggy abt how afraid they are of things that will come, but if i don't know u tt well, don't act as if i've known u forever because i don't. believe or nt, A lvls results will be released whether we want it or nt & i'm just hoping against hope tt i'll do well even though i have every reason to believe i've screwed up my papers badly. i am, in case u didn't know, highly paranoid so i'm just trying nt to be worried abt things tt are already final. so guys, have fun, relaxs & enjoy life while u can. don't waste life worrying abt things tt will come. XD
take care & see u guys on fri!


Monday, February 26, 2007


yes, i've been watching jdrama and crying in front of e com, which has incurred e wrath of my mother who is pissed that i'm wasting my precious youth watching some god noes wad use can it be to me dramas. so right, studyin was useful. and i've become a typical youth camping in front of e computer watching weepy drama shows with cute guys like it's a crime. OH MY GOD give me a break!!!! but i've been able to get my hands on some pretty good shows on tv and mostly on youtube and some dled goodies. *grins* so right, i'm so obsessed with romantic plots and cute guys and girls getting together in their happily ever after. slap me please.

1. the classic

finally, ch u is showing smthing tt is nt repeated and nice. and i bet it's one of e rare times i get to see good shows.

another one wld be my all time favourite
いま、会いにゆきます(Be With You / I'm coming to see you now)

there's actually a movie version and e drama version. so yup, go get ur hands on it! i mean it!!! NOW!!! (ignore my fangurling)

Mio's death leaves husband Takumi and 6 year old son Yuji fending for themselves. Takkun occasionally suffers fainting spells, is disorganized, and fears that his health hindered Mio's happiness. Yuji overheard relatives speculate that his delivery compromised her health, and he blames himself for her death. Mio left him a picture book in which she departs for 'The Archive Star' but re-appears during the rainy season the following year, and he eagerly awaits her return.

Taking a walk in the forest outside their house, Takkun and Yuji find a woman sheltering from the rain and immediately accept her as Mio. She has no memory or sense of identity, but comes home to live with them anyway. She asks Taku how they met and fell in love, and he recounts a tale of years of missed chances starting in high school until she encouraged their marriage years later. As the rainy season nears its end, Yuji finds the 'time capsule' he hid with his mother before her death. Mio's diary is inside, and its version of the romance holds the answers to the mystery.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

pain in e ass

like sch life is nt enough for me, parents always have to add on to e load. u don't need a dozen of them, 1 irritating one is enough to make ur day a fucking ray of sunshine.

here's what happened
my student's father passed away on cny eve. her mum has already passed away last year frm cancer.
due to e sudden nature of his death in e morning, e child, who was alone at home at e point of time called her good friend to ask for help. e mother (aka EFB aka effing bitch) intercepted e phone call and was thus informed of e death. she than kindly called me to inform me abt it and requested that i confirm it with her again. fine, i did.

2 hrs later, she msges me again to ask me:" i still can't believe that this is happening, is it true that the child's parent is dead? "

pt no 1.
he's dead, move on for god's sake! i have a child on my hands whom i need to help, u are an adult so can u try to accept e fact and leave e teacher alone. we're not tt free to ans sms tht are stupid so stop trying to act sentimental or traumatized. i'm not a damn bloody counseller.

if tt's nt enough, today, EFB strikes again. this time, she msges me this:" hi ms yeo, saw e child yest, nt as chatty as last time. as a mother, it pained my heart to think abt her."

pt no 2
what is ur fucking pt? all these ridiculous smses are getting on my nerves. i don't know u very well. i know that e child is pitiful but for god's sake if u wanna talk so much, then do smthing to help e child, dun act like goddness of mercy telling u pity e child and blahx. it's really nt my business and i am really nt oblidged to ans ur stupid smses.

me being polite msges her back:" she's a strong girl."

EFB:" i know she is but my heart still ache 4 her recent loss!"

so great, this parent is a bitch, a big fat bitch and a god damn it drama mama who's going to cling onto me until i'm out of e sch. she's such a pain in e ass.


and here's my dear kim jeong hoon wishin everyone a happy chinese new year!

surprise surprise

so what if you told me you're nt

my response wld still be e same i guess. there's only so much i can do, so much i'm willing to do. no one can go out all e way, nvr in terms of money, nvr in terms of life, nvr in terms of energy and effort.

we nvr live for other ppl, we always live for our own.

everyday we will ask e same questions, how are u feeling? how are u coping?

sometimes i wonder which is worse, losing both ur parents, or having both ur parents around but no different frm leeches, unable to support ur child emotionally, bleeding them to death by borrowing money frm them to satisfy ur own childish games, by depending on them to give u love but nvr the other way round.

we always tot that parents were e smartasses, that parents were e pillars of support for a child, but we were wrong, parents were nvr different frm children, they nvr moved on...

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

u're always more concerned abt how others cldn't reach out to u but were nvr concerned abt how u cldn't reach out to others.

we'll always live in each other's shadow...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

i guess it's part of life, to feel guilty once in a while for not being able to keep up with e friends who meant something to u, slowing drifting away. or maybe the truth is tt we've already made e choice a long time ago nt to keep up, & just let it drift away. just like tt...

it's difficult for me to keep up with e updates of everyone's live, yet if i don't i will always feel e distance grow, staring at e distance b/w us, i have nthing to push me forward but everything to hold me back.

"i've read ur blog," seems to be e only link to update u of ur friend. we don't call each other no more, we don't bother to send a msg to ask. we read e blog, e superficial, goody two shoes i wanna whine blog tt we use to pour our emotions out for various purposes.

and if like teaching in a classroom e size of 3 classrooms and trying to get their attention against 2 other screaming classes is nt enough, we were kind enough to be rewarded with lvl meetings & meaningless contact time. i heard other rts in other schs were spared. i can't whine, because i was given a chance
now as teachers whine & get so tired after meetings, u wonder if they're as alturistic as they appear to be....

Monday, February 12, 2007


how much can religion change a person? and how much can a person depend on religion alone?

u have changed. or maybe i tot i knew someone who happened to put up a spectacular facade of calm, maturity & capability. ur tangled web of relationships, e thin line u balance urself on, playing with fire & knowing sooner of later u'll get burnt...

yet who knows what emotions can do to us, the crazy feelings of falling head over heels with another. u suddenly loose control & u spiral out of e path that u have laid down for urself, riding on a roller coaster of emotions, enjoying it yet knowing e dangers that will come after it.

i rmbered someone mentioned in her blog abt having ctrl, abt humans wanting to have ctrl. but isn't that e only thing that makes us different frm e animals tt have evolved with us since prehistoric times. an animal of a high intellect is one who can ctrl, one who can think of others before self, one who knows full well e emotions running thru u, making sure tt u manipulate them to ur own need. we are a balance of things, things tt make us human, things tt make us do what we do. we manipulate, every single second of our lives, our emotions, our thoughts our dreams, our fears, for others, and most imptly ourselves.

because somewhere down there we all know, what it feels like when things goes out of ctrl, maybe u know much more than me what it feels like to have nthing in ur own hands, but an empty shell, void of emotions, thoughts, possesed by e darkness with no hopes, dreams nor faith. blood.

u were no different frm an animal...


what's e point of holding on to a relationship when u know tt either one of u will get hurt. what is e strength tt keeps u holding on... what is burning inside u tt u just have to toy & play around with ppl. mutual it may be, yet someday, i feel tt both of u will regret it.

when did it come to me to make judgements.

silence is beauty....

Sunday, February 11, 2007



Friday, February 09, 2007

Nightmare - the WORLD PV (Death Note OP theme)

広がる闇の中 交わし合った 革命の契り


どうして? 僕はこわれた救世主?

広がる闇の中 交わし合った 革命の契り


どうして? 僕はこわれた救世主?

広がる闇の中 交わし合った 革命の契り


Vocals: Nightmare

Within the spreading darkness, we exchanged vows of revolution
An evil flower that sprouted because it was loved
Because there's no point in letting anyone interfere
With everything that'll come about from now on

The future that the fruit told me of
The town that has forgotten reasoning
The present is distorted black
Dreams, turn into ideals

Why? Am I a broken savior?
Everyone wished for a "finale"...

Within the spreading darkness, we exchanged vows of revolution
An evil flower that sprouted because it was loved
There's no point in letting anyone interfere
With everything that'll come about from now on

Someday, I'll show you
A shining sky

Why? Am I a broken savior?
Everyone dreamt of a "paradise"...

Within the spreading darkness, we exchanged vows of revolution
An evil flower that sprouted because it was loved
There's no point in letting anyone interfere
With everything that'll come about from now on

Someday, I'll show you
A shining world

credits: momento


*sneaks in*

Joyeux Anniversaire ! ! ! !

*throws yomi + ryoma plushies ard*

私はジャスミンを愛する!!! ジャスミンはセクシー!! である!

my best wishes to u baby!!! and i wish u all e best!

here's a very very cute yomi pict for u!!!

(hope i get him right, i still can't quite recognise his face. hehe)

Monday, February 05, 2007

nt related. wadever

yes i know, pict is nt related to e content. who cares.

it's really saddening to be reminded time & again tt i'm really a ppl person. tt i'm nt a social butterfly or that i have very weird emotional needs.

having to put urself into e shoes of everyone in class, to know everyone's needs & personalities by the back of ur hand, to fulfil their emotional needs & @ e same time to inculcate their passion in learning, nt forgetting that i'm also responsible for teaching them e foundations to eng and maths.

so i'm paid $65 a day to multi-task, to solve disputes b/w kids of nt "fren"ing in other and e list goes on. once in a while, i'll become paranoid & start wonderin if this is e right place for me, if i'm teaching e correct thing, if they actually understand what is coming out of my mouth.

when u have no guidance at all, when u feel so lost as to what step u shld take nxt, i realised tt my personality is never suited to e "world out there". having high expectations means tt i'll be constantly, if nt, always disappointed with myself for being unable to conduct a proper lesson which kids can enjoy knowing full well that i have no prior training, & have totally no idea what e kids know or don't know.

i need to be reminded time & again tt i have to be humble, tt i have to seek for guidance no matter how tiring it is, tt i have lower my expectations, tt i'm nt really as capable as what i tot myself out to be.

all i need, is to give myself more chances to explore, to learn & to fall.


no, i don't understand why u have to whine abt things tt u will come to know abt sooner or later. it's nt a matter of confidence, it's a matter or hiding ur deepest fears & pretending that they are just nt there. so shut up & stop analysing my character ms tcy, u are such a m****** f*****.

ms yeo e great

i lost my namelist with my student's marks

my student said he passed me his file but apparently i can't find it

i lost my namelist with my student's assignments

i cannot keep their 29 files in order because they don't know how to file, don't know how to hand in assignments on time, don't know how to think.

soon, i'll be ruining e future of 29 kids.

i'm such a great teacher.

Friday, February 02, 2007

To Be A Child

To Be A Child
by Carolyn Scott

To be a child
Is to see silver in the sea
And gold in everything
To cry and feel no pain
To have no pst
And see the future in a day
To pain bright pictures of dull scenes
And see the sun shining in a puddle
To ask all the time
And yet be sure of everything
do nt believe in what u see, do nt believe in what u don't see

do nt trust in anything, and live each day like u're going to live for another century, and pray with ur whole sincere heart that u'll drop dead on e floor





all human beings are bastards, especially those that try to hard to live a zen life.