Friday, December 23, 2011

so where are we now love?

i'm srry i gave in more than i should
but tt's life
n it's vices
so what i can do now
is to know what i can do to stop going even further

so that question did the trick
what are we now
and u cldn't give me a reply
u gave me a series of definitions
fine with me
let's play by ur rules then

n u think u understand me
that i am predictable
but maybe i was predictable because i was so afraid of losing u after u came back
because suddenly u became real to me

but not anymore
u may be blinded by ur feelings of love or lust
but i'm more blinded by fear
and the things abt u that don't make sense at all

Thursday, December 22, 2011


they say love changes u
i think love mutates u.
and then we both become so ugly
we cant recognize ourselves anymore

i'm such mess arent i

Monday, December 19, 2011

i'm nt as good as i think i am
don't be a piece of shit

Sunday, December 18, 2011

that's what i'm telling those who know
tt's what i think i am feeling towards this

it's either i'm bored
i can't talk to u
i don't trust u
i dont think i know u
or i don't see why i shld be tied down

never make plans for the future more than 3 wks in advance.
u never know when it's gonna end.
i'm srry.
i never believed in love.

or maybe the question now is
do i really love u.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

confessionsions of a fashion disaster

she doesnt understand how a girl would not want to dress up

i do i guess. but not all time. 1 out of 10 times maybe? rest of the time i'm just t shirt shorts n my ipnama sandals.
tt's how i wld like to live my life
fast, simple, easy, haphazard combination, a fashion disaster
something i can run in
something i can sit in anyway i like without bothering if e world saw my wadever is underneath
but most importantly, something i can run with.
not like i run around all the time
but i don't know why
this thought is just in my head whenever i think of what to wear
something i can run in

i cant run in dress can i?

primal maybe?

maybe i lacked the confidence to carry off those hot dresses with bare backs or wadever complicated fashion terms that u haf
but honestly, e rest of the times i can't really be bothered.

i guess i dont understand how she wldn't understand that girls are not just abt dressing up.



Thursday, December 01, 2011

what's on my mind

yes i am bothered by the fact that he has done nothing and is the whole world to u
n we have done everything but am nothing to u

im sorry am i judging?
too bad, he's a loser.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

stupidity stops now

u haf more to lose than to gain
so i obviously wasnt thinking when my act of stupidity was performed
n it is sooooooo easy to convince urself that this guilt
can be easily buried somewhere deep inside

lust. is a more poweful feeling
than love

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


maybe life is about giving it all
without caring abt the returns
n then maybe
maybe, u won't be afraid
of ur heart breaking
because u could always grow another heart back
with hope
with love
n with time

Monday, November 21, 2011

love is

love is simple
my mum said
dun expect fairy tales
u're only expecting disappointments
just love
n keep it simple
every morning
she wakes up with pieces of her life on the floor
n one by one she slowly picks them up
shame guilt joy memorise recollections and what nots
mostly shame now
it's the shame guilt n uncertainty that cuts the most

maybe i'm thinking too much into things
as usual
maybe it's not a big deal
but if u knew i was going to be emo
why didn't u call to ask if i was ok?

maybe she's right
u're not that simple after all

i need a time out
after wednesday
i need to sort things out
with myself
just leave me alone

Sunday, November 20, 2011

cliff jumping

and we took a step too far
so now we're off the cliff
we can't turn back
n decide that we want to stand at the edge again
it's just free falling now
n damn i really hope the parachute will open
before i hit the ground.

3 months
i don't know if i want it to work
or if i just want it to end

Saturday, November 12, 2011


maybe this is why i didn't want to commit.
the effort that would require me to change.
i hate change
n i'm too selfish to do it for someone else

laughter abused

i abuse this joy
too much
n i have only myself to blame
if no one really knows what i'm thinking
i don't really want them to know do i?

i'm so full of shit. i'll just smile n lie in ur face
when i'm just crying inside

Friday, November 11, 2011

the stupid things i do

the night was spent refreshing the changi arrival page
till 'landed' appeared
n i made an estimation of how long it wld take for u to reach home
"welcome home"


Thursday, November 03, 2011

the cheap fallacies that mean nothing to u at all

i don't understand
so am i at fault for feeling this way?
am i not entitled to feel this way?
so just because u make sense all the time n i dont
ur anger would always mean that i am at fault
and thereafter every utterance i make
can only be fuel for ur anger
but not the other way round
i have to be totally at fault
deeply apologetic and show willingness to repent
and most of all be sincere about my apology
if not, nothing else counts
only ur anger n arguments makes sense
e rest, would just be fallacies.
cheap fallacies that mean nothing to u at all

Sunday, October 30, 2011

the happiness equation

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
- Ernest Hemingway, author and journalist, Nobel laureate (1899-1961)

Great men are always of a nature originally melancholy. -Aristotle

nope, not implying that i'm intelligent
i'm just saying. haha

been wanderlusting again
terrible. because i know it's not going to happen anytime soon :(
n the list keeps on growing
1. aurora broealis (Norway/Iceland)
2. NZ caravan
3. eastern europe, spain maybe (Oscar & Boris!)
4. Trans Siberian Rail
5. Middle East
6. Pamir Mountains
7. Ladakh
i think i'll die before i complete this :(

and we've reached and equilibrium in life
both of us
equi-distance from home
n i was lying in bed thinking
about how things have been
the people that u thought u were close to
were the once u have been neglecting all the time
and the only solution to this
seems to be for me to start working
save more
for u to stop
n rest
why can't we chase our dreams
and at the same time be rich too

Friday, October 28, 2011

too much angst

there's a thin line
between who you love
and who you think you love
that thin line
and seriously go take a good hard look at urself in the mirror
before u start condemning me

Thursday, October 27, 2011

n i bid thee farewell

can i love u without giving up loneliness?

because i'm so accustomed to it that i'm afraid
that e process of getting use to its presence is going to kill me again

it's like i'm already preparing myself for the worse even though nthing has happened
but then again
life has taught me never to expect anything to last forever
even family
things can just break down

the heart amplified does no one anygood

bad dreams
i think i keep too much anger inside
too many things bother me
but i just keep it pent up inside
n then everynight it explodes
in crazy nightmares

but at least life is slowly gettin back on track

it's all in the mind
all these anger, love, sadness
mad ness

Monday, October 24, 2011


that's good...

make sure he loves u more than u love him.

n i don't know if at that moment if this was the best sentence that sums up this 4 lettered game.

i wish u happyness, evol

we fall back to the vicious cycle

i think i'm going to crash
i think i'm going to crash
i think i'm going to crash
i think i'm going to crash
i think i'm going to crash
i think i'm going to crash

late nights
low/no motivation
it's like jc years on repeat
i can see my life going downhill
n i sit here n try to do wadever i can
i hate this
but e thing is i dun seem to be doing anything to change the situation
and that's why i sit here n feel fucked up
n emo
i'm such a terrible underachiever
no wonder i never succeed

Friday, October 21, 2011

counting down to the future

tumblr is a waste of my time
but i read it like a bible anyway.
i'm falling sick real soon.
and i'm counting down the days
to 10 nov
i think somewhere along the way
i stopped
liking u more than i should
things became a little clearer
and the image became two
n then i wondered if these feelings that i have
are a by product of what u give

how do u even fall in love with a person so far away

i want to see the world
but i'm guessing it'll be a while
before i can pick up that haversack
n go on trips alone again

Sunday, October 09, 2011

i'm so fking useless :((

pls b ok

Saturday, October 08, 2011







      是啊“佛是无处不在,无处不有的。”“一沙一尘一世界,一花一叶一菩提。”佛就汝心头深处,有一偈云”佛在灵山莫远求,灵山就在汝心头,人人有个灵山塔,好在灵山塔下修。”观 芸芸众生,为名而来,为利而往,只缘找不到自己正真的佛。求观音,拜佛祖,可知那亦不过是泥胎塑像,心中无佛何佛之有。诚然,只要心中有佛,佛便无处不 在,“我看人时人是佛,我观人时人是魔”此心亦佛亦魔,在乎你的一念罢了,如果你看人是佛,你就是佛,看人是魔,你就是魔,在真正的修行人眼中,哪怕是一 花一叶、一沙一尘,无不透露佛理禅机。

Friday, October 07, 2011

for u

i got it from u. and somehow it resonated with me. how u felt.

n i really wish u well. all the pain i think that u haf inside u. i really hope things will be ok for u.

Once upon a not-so-long-ago time, a sage advice was bestowed upon a loveless plebeian: Go out and socialise more, so that you can get a boyfriend.
What probably didn’t occur to the Great Sage of Love:
01. Not everyone needs a boyfriend at every stage in life like The Great Sage of Love.
02. Not everyone needs a boyfriend like The Great Sage of Love.
The plebeian returned the advice with a sly smile and a shrug. Oh, you poor clueless creature. You don’t know anything at all, do you?

Monday, October 03, 2011

so fking sick of all this projects

Saturday, October 01, 2011


i nearly tot i cld depend on u
but what both of us cldn't understand
was that my insecurities were a result of u
not because i can't trust u
or maybe it's exactly due to the fact that i cant totally trust u
u patience wore thin
as i kept pushing u to the edge
i don't know how much u know of me now
how much of it is misunderstood
how much of it is just me being blind to myself
but i guess i shld stop explaining


can never be given to u by someone else.
only u
can pull urself out of the hell hole.
again and again
maybe tt's something u haf to deal with.
it is a part of who u are
let ur face wear the smile that u've made for urself, not anyone else.
perfectly :)

Monday, September 26, 2011

u've told urself before

sometimes u forget pain
n u feel that it's something so unbearable
that u'll do anything to avoid it

guess what.
u've been through worse
u've cut n bled
u've run n fled
people have hurt u time and again
but they haven't killed u
they can never kill u

u've told urself before
what's worse den dying
unless u haven lived before.

3am, n i let my thoughts run wild. darkness, it has been awhile

it was a blog post
that triggered off insecurities
that triggered off the reconnection that i thought was long lost
n in a way i feel guilty 
all along while i've let go of what i thought was lost
u held on. silently.
believing that i was holding on to the other end of that bond that we shared.

the process of accomodating n assimilating
is like breaking down the thick walls of ur comfort zone
to let someone in.
u start to think if everything abt u is wrong
so fking imperfect
u cld just kill urself.
n u wonder if everyone is blind
to even  call u a friend.
shit these insecurities.

still i need to change. i've been making u more upset than i shld :(
stop being childishnirritatingngrowup


maybe it is in human nature to want to share.
those emotions pent up inside
what they saw, what they heard, their worries, their troubles, their hurt, their secrets, their anger.

sometimes i wish i had more patience with u
i am trying
n i am failing

no excuses. i just have to try harder.
to be a better person for u

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


还有些想逃 虽然有预感应该逃不了
爱或不爱都一样苦恼 花不够灿烂我不要
我能给你多少 还要为你变得多计较

I must go down to the seas again

 I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

bad girl. :(

sometimes i say things that are terrible
even though i don't mean it at all
but the damange is done
i can feel ur hurt
i think
that silent hurt
i'm srry.

i wonder why i even haf frens at all
i'm good at losing them
terrible terrible simin :((

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


i wld wake up at ard 8 or 9 everyday

just to see if u're awake on the other end of the world

this is madness.

i'm going crazy.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Live Laugh Love :) the little random inspirations

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

ideas down heads

i wonder if most of the time
if u're even aware
that u're forcing ideas down heads
to get
planting ideas.
push n
n prod
until one fine day,
she's at e edge.
one final push.
she falls or flies.
u'd be there.
straight into ur arms

well u got it. congrats

i wonder if it's out of concern
i wonder if it's with all sisters
i wonder if u hate him so much
that u wish for this to not work out
i wonder.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

of all the things

it came and gave me so much hope

but thru the cracks i caught a glimpse of what it truly was

“i want you,
but we cant last forever”

it whispered

n then it filled me with despair.

u’re such a jerk


the fear is no longer as strong
i'm still scared.


Sunday, September 04, 2011

pretty ugly

most of the time i wonder if the + 2 hrs is killing me or keeping me alive

some times i wonder if u're real

the rest of the time, i'd just close my eyes & wish really hard tt u'll appear in front of me so that i won't think that i'm some delusional madhouse

most of the time i wonder if i know u

any of u at all

the deep dark secrets

the judgmental frowns

we've stopped looking surprised

we've stopped feeling impressed

just so we cld just sink wearily into this world

hoping tt some meaning cld keep us afloat

cliques, groups, ambiguous touches and stares

glitz and glamour

the different coloured lights reflected off that glitter

just brings out the prettiest n ugliest side of us


Friday, September 02, 2011

i hate

i hate
it doesnt bring u happiness
so the waiting stopped
n other reasons n interests were found
but nthing ever stays the way u plan it to be
n they say that life always hits u with e things u least expect it

i hate
being so long winded in my post
i prefer to write in short sentences really
abstract, general, brief

i hate
the wild accusations n baseless assumptions u make
u, all of u
that i wld just give in to any guy tt comes along
or that i wld need a guy to live my life
& i'd sit there quietly,
helpless n
let u make assumptions of what i possibly would n could have done

& we wait for the future to arrive
rubbish really.
random shit

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

sheep has no brains.

it wasn't jealousy fueled by feelings of unrequited love or wadever rubbish reasons that i cld concoct
thank god
really. thank god.
i thought it was
n the robot wasn't helping either.
by insisting that there's smthing wrong in my life
that screwed me up so bad

it was the feeling of confusion as a result of being left out of something that was so important of ur life

now u noe. it wldn't have made a diff if i told u.
u cant take sides. even if u did. u wld never be on my side
but i'm fine with it anyway.

for now.
i'm hoping that things will work out for u :)
it's abt time
i just want u to be happy.

Sunday, August 28, 2011


give me one gd reason, besides family
why i shld stay at hm
n bear e brunt of ur temper.

u just love to drive us up the wall.

Friday, August 26, 2011

if everything is Yours... I'm letting it go-- it was never mine to hold

these few days have been bad. in fact, it's a slow progression from bad to worse n maybe worst.
i hope it doesnt escalate.
this emotional roller coaster.
just hang on.
the ride will be over soon.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

the question u cldn't ans

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

yes it's constantly on my head
what should've/could've been
but i thought things b/w us had been clear.always.
so why are these whisperings bugging me more than it should
n smtimes i wish u wld stop
bringing up those limitless possibilities
because i might just leave
shld e idea
become a reality
the different facades that i put up amazes me
fb, twitter, & 3 blogs
no wonder i go crazy

"u like this ambiguity
u like this chase
n u're good at pretending that it doesn't matter to u when it does."

i wonder. too

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

you have tangled with my heart and for that there is no forgiveness.

i hate routines
i hate that familiarity that u give me
that expectation that u instill in me
to wait
for u
because once it stops
it clings on to u
like those painful thorns
bleed... it says... keep bleeding
because i'm gone

Thursday, August 18, 2011

thank u

i'm just thankful that we ended up being the best of friends.
we're both funnier that way :)

thank u bro
for wadever we had n wadever will be

Friday, July 29, 2011

of lonliness and being alone

it's been a while photoshop.

n it brings back so many memories.
impeding threats of lawsuits of defamation
police reports and what nots
i'm still terrible at it.

“…there are two types of people in the world: those who prefer to be sad among others, and those who prefer to be sad alone.”

we were talking abt dreams yest
it was good how love cld provide some with such a strong pillar of support
it's amazing how love cld seemingly let them soar higher in life
but to me it has always and is still been a burden
i think being alone pushes us to do greater things then being in a group
being alone means u're out of ur comfort zone
u can't rely on any one for help
u can only save urself.

yet the only terribly thing abt being alone
is that when u fall
u fall alot harder
and u bleed alot more

yes the afternoon heat is really driving me crazy

Monday, July 25, 2011


my best and worst dreams are abt flying

not in the plane.

it’s peter pan style really. retarded

there’s so much freedom.

and then suddenly u’ll realise tt u’re lost,

and someone will be after u








u can’t stop because u’re dead meat once u do

i just never had e guts to stop flyin
to see what i was getting away from.

Saturday, July 23, 2011





the day u become irreplacable

is the day i fall in love with u

Friday, July 22, 2011




Monday, July 11, 2011

that moving imagery

tt's all she had
that face that moved, and the voice that spoke

she sensed no warmth and felt no breath

so once that moving imagery stops
she wakes up
spends hours trying to convince herself
why she should not fall ( )

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

the weight of the heart

love becomes a burden
when u assume that u know what is best for the other

A conversation begins
with a lie. And each
speaker of the so-called common language feels
the ice-floe split, the drift apart
as if powerless, as if up against
a force of nature

The scream
of an illegitimate voice
It has ceased to hear itself, therefore
it asks itself
How do I exist?
This was the silence I wanted to break in you
I had questions but you would not answer
– Adrienne Rich

n learning stops n starts again

i could haf sworn i hated teaching.

until i forced myself to sit down and write lesson plans n think of activities
my mind becomes a virtual classroom with all these brats filled inside.
n i keep thinking of ways to keep them interested in the class
to keep the show going so that they'll want to learn.
i want them to be happy when they're learning.
i want them to see how knowledge can be applied to real life.

today was really bad though. by my standards. a bad bad lesson.
a lot of things werent really my fault. like 3 teachers coming in back to back to get students out of my class.
but the things i could have foreseen, i did not. soooo i have to work sooo much harder.

i do miss teaching.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Not all those who wander are lost.

当遇到超级极限的事情, 在无法承受的时刻,马上就会崩溃。

~ 黄爱琳 《再苦也要去旅行》

 If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears." - Cesare Pavese

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese

“All travel has its advantages. If the passenger visits better countries, he may learn to improve his own. And if fortune carries him to worse, he may learn to enjoy it.” – Samuel Johnson

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quiestest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” – Pat Conroy

“What you’ve done becomes the judge of what you’re going to do – especially in other people’s minds. When you’re traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.” – William Least Heat Moon

“I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within.” – Lillian Smith

“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” – Mark Jenkins

But I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more

i am given the whole world to work on
and the freedom to do what i want
i'm not prepared to give up my world to you

u once promised me that u'll be there
u'll sit next quietly nxt to me when i cry
wad's lacking
was the courage to approach u when i wanted to cry

Saturday, July 02, 2011


i sat there n rambled on

n listened to words not of my own

i tried

i lied

i cried

they said u can't tempt fate.

i'd rather not tempt love

no one understands me

they bemoaned

but then again.i never sought to be understood.

i live in my own ironies.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


u're gonna fall u're gonna fall u're gonna fall u're gonna regret this u're gonna regret this u're gonna regret this u're gonna regret this u're gonna regret this
maybe the reason y i wanted hall wasn't e distance
but i just wanted out
because ur temper turned me into a twisted soul
n all those burden u unload on me just triggered off the paranoia
i just want to breathe

Sunday, June 26, 2011

thank u for the memories

thank u
for trusting that this trip could work out
for being so thoughtful when i'm down
for trying to throw me off a bridge n then showing me mercy
for the times u didn't flare up at me &; for the times u did
for trusting that i could cook for e both of us & swallowing down those that werent edible
for rushing all the way back just to grab my camera to take pictures of the kangaroo in our backyard
for bringing us ard n letting me stay in ur room
for being so forgiving
for letting me rest when i was weary

thank u for letting me know that i am/was loved.

thank u for the memories

WWOOF in Riddles Creek + Stayover in Sunbury + Tasmania

Friday, May 27, 2011

extreme emotions such as anger n depression clouds judgement
it impairs u
to e point where u can't think.
but e worse thing is

u leave no room for negotiation.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

u just need to trust me more.

i was busy fending off an over zealous victim of a apparent "failed relationship"
followed by a confession of sorts which i wasnt really prepared to hear
and we ended it off with a concerned friend getting agitated because we didn't see where each other was coming from

guess it hasnt been going well.

and yes when u're intentions are misunderstood there can only be alot frustration pent up inside because u start to wonder what u've done or said wrong to cause all this agitation and negativity.

i might be tat upset cus my pride was bruised. that u didn't believe me to be capable enough to look at this issue and deali with it in an appropraite manner.

i might be feeling down because i wish there was a way i could tell u that despite me sounding overly irrational and taking more chances with the unknown then i should have, that i did do my research, that i did think of what are the possibilities. i won't just jump into a fire without a fire-proof vest or not knowing how to get out of the fire alive or should i get burnt what are the other alternatives i can take to escape. so u don't have to worry because i don't want u to and i want u to trust that i can take care of myself.

u just need to trust me more.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

from me to HBT

my heart is always 2 hours ahead of where i currently am

n it is tiring?

n maybe it's nt because i don't know
it's cus i dun wanna start a rship at all
i dont trust feelings
i dont trust love
they are intangible
they are not real

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

to u, u & u

when we no longer can bear our hearts n fears to each other
that's when the love stops and the doubt grows.
tt's when one becomes increasingly more paranoid than the other.
but i guess it's alright.

we were born alone in this world anyway.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

the oxygen thief

i can't rmb e exact lines u said.
but it suddenly occurred to me that instead of letting u in on my life
i might be burdening u with my troubles instead.

maybe none of us can accept melo-drama imperfections
even that of close friends
in fact i wonder most of e time if we were where we used to be
it's like for her, our time stopped after the day she pushed me into a corner
for us, our time stopped along e banks we sat at
where u talk abt how disconnected u are from e ppl who were close to u
i guess time sort of stopped there for me
while u moved on.

i dun blame u i guess.
i wasnt e perfect one too.
n i wonder y u keep pushing me back to her
when we're already so far apart

i'm happy for the way we were
n e way u will be

i'm srry for disappointing u
u still are awesome

Thursday, April 21, 2011

i'm moving. find me here

this is random
but it was 3 days ago i think.
when i felt a need for change

so i'll be moving here:

somethings triggered it. but i guess it's always better for everyone? X)


Monday, April 18, 2011

I think it scared her...

"I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that are concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it was. I think that's why she always struggled with God. And I think that's why she also struggled with love. She couldn't touch it. She couldn't hold on to it and make sure it never changed."

"Sometimes it's those things you can't touch that you need to hold on to the most."

Sunday, April 17, 2011


maybe i am u
n u are me
n i give u more pain
then joy.
n maybe tt's why
u had to take a step back
from me

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

i fell

u haf to understand
i come from a family of highly emotional n irrational creatures

n over e course of living this damned life
i haf fallen more than once to feelings i can't control
n i end up bloodied, n scaring those closest to me away.

i can't trust feelings.
it's brought me to the depths of hell n left me scars
i don't wanna live thru this ever again.

Monday, April 11, 2011

@ friend sng

n for that once when i said i love you, i meant it :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

hear ye hear ye for this is my voice

An atheist loves his fellow man instead of god. An atheist believes that heaven is something for which we should work now – here on earth for all men together to enjoy.

An atheist believes that he can get no help through prayer but that he must find in himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to grapple with it, to subdue it, and enjoy it.

An atheist believes that only in a knowledge of himself and a knowledge of his fellow man can he find the understanding that will help to a life of fulfillment.

He seeks to know himself and his fellow man rather than to know a god. An atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church. An atheist believes that a deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanquished, war eliminated. He wants man to understand and love man.

He wants an ethical way of life. He believes that we cannot rely on a god or channel action into prayer nor hope for an end of troubles in a hereafter.

He believes that we are our brother's keepers and are keepers of our own lives; that we are responsible persons and the job is here and the time is now.


head over heart

and it is only in times like this

am i glad for the constant reminders

together with my pride n ego

to keep me head above my heart

n to let those sweet nothings

ring empty

Thursday, April 07, 2011

in memory of those who passed before us…

it is scary because i think most of our pain are from our own imagination & fears. and in our minds these sufferings seem to occupy the whole world. but in reality, its really no big deal.

and that’s why it’s so scary.

how our mind can condition us to believe that the pain is so much bigger that there is no room for hope and ultimately we drive ourselves to either physical or spiritual death.


i nvr deleted that msg.

it serves as a constant reminder of how easy it is for anyone to fall into that bottomless pit hole, never to see light again.

“I see, but I cannot show;
I feel, but cannot express.
Words come, but will not go.
I fly only in darkness,
A creature of the night,
A child of confusion
Without direction.”

- Anon.

Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded And that heaven is overrated

Wednesday, April 06, 2011


The word "ciao'"' (Italian pronunciation: [ˈtʃaːo], English: /ˈtʃaʊ/) is an informal Italian verbal salutation or greeting, meaning either "hello", "goodbye"

The word derives from the Venetian phrase sciào vostro (in Italian schiavo vostro) or s-ciào su literally meaning "I am your slave". This greeting is analogous to the Latin Servus which is still used in a large section of Central/Eastern Europe. The expression was not a literal statement of fact, of course, but rather a perfunctory promise of good will among friends (along the lines "if you ever need my help, count on me").


Tuesday, April 05, 2011

this is what's on my mind

twice i spiraled out of control because of u

tt's how bad i am at managing myself

i'll pull u down.

together we'll drown.
i wish u hadn't said a word

i wish u hadn't intervened

but then again.

maybe it was better tt i knew.

but things were already in perspective,

or was it?

n it will end. somehow.
1314 is for e dellusional
i think i haf commitment issues.

i'm good at getting myself to believe that there's nothing there.

at all.

n the stars were pretty tonight =)

Sunday, April 03, 2011

to live

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

i wrote this for japan

We are all human beings here, separated by nothing more than large puddles of water and occasionally, the fear of the unknown.

We are all on the same ship.

We are all, you.

For Japan,

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


depression/overly emotional is caused by?

was i born this way or was i shaped by what was around me or is it just me

who do i blame?

why should i even blame?

i am still working on it

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

i shouldnt have told you

but will things still stay the same?

life is full of stupid decisions.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

screw this period

fuck this it's like 3 months compacted into 1

i have flu, headache n fucking bad cramps all jammed together into my system

i might be dead by nxt wk

i hate being a menstruating machine.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

cul de sac

i think faith puts a nice sheen on life

once u lose it, u start to not believe in alot of things too.

santa clause, tooth fairy, god of fortune, lady luck, what haf u

maybe in life

if we keep hitting the dead end

no matter how hard we try

the dead end might really mean that it's dead after all

ashes, ashes

we all fall down.

Rube: If you stand too close to a painting — all you see are patches of color, if you stand too far back, you can't see any of the detail. Right now this is your particular perspective and if you ask me—-

George: I'm a little too close.

Monday, March 14, 2011


the news abt earthquakes in japan is affecting me more than it shld

maybe because for once, there is this fear that it might be someone u know

i'm so glad the RAs are safe, along with the others in senshu n kenshukan

but there are so many more out there

dead, missing, trapped

n there's nthing i can do

but to pray.


Nine-year-old Toshihito Aisawa walks through an evacuation centre in Ishinomaki, Miyagi Prefecture, carrying two handwritten signs as he continues his search for his father, mother, grandmother and two cousins lost in the quake and tsunami. On one sign is written their names, on the other ‘I will come again tomorrow’


what fascinates and frustrates me to no end

is how predictable and unpredictable we can get

maybe we are constantly changing

or maybe we change the way we interact with e constant

as things go with time

we might be [closer]

or further a/part

maybe this might end tml

maybe this might go on forever

it is what we don’t know that kills us

but it might also be the unknown that keeps us alive

and despite life being such a bag full of contradictions

we are here

in every moment.

and i guess, it is this eternity

that matters now.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

just because u got hurt doesn't mean ur sis shld stop interacting with guys

what's wrong with u sriously.

when u can't even run ur own life

why are u trying to run mine?

Friday, March 11, 2011

that little bit memory

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more.
~George Gordon, Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

i love foxgloves =) that little garden just outside my window. darmstad. rosdoff. u r missed.



what do you see?

what does your head tell u to see?

what does your heart tell u to see?

met this new friend at sch
who mocks me
lol she thinks tt atheist shldnt quote from e bible
i think she doesn't understand what it means to be a atheist
or maybe it's just insulting to her n her religion.
i don't know. i haf a feeling maybe half of e other christians wld say e same too.
she intrigues me.
i shall find out more.

n if there's a god, i think he wld have really hated free will now wldn't he?

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

i tried to convince myself tt every's ok today.

tt everything will be normal and i'll be fine.

until i saw the crowd and ran

i didn't noe why

i just felt very scared

i just bolted

what's going on.
simin why do u feel so sad

why do u feel so empty

what do u seek

i feel very useless.

this cannot go on.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

of boobs, blowjobs, virgins n what not

i guess i finally understood what u mean.

and i thank u for that

but i have no idea where i stand on this issue anymore.

and i guess the reason why i've always felt so left out was because
i never was one of them

or maybe it's just because i'm not horny at e moment....

n i am nvr able to accept

the fact that ppl i thought i knew very well

turns out to be someone else i never knew

it's like looking at the same shell

but a totally different soul

somehow darker, lonelier, madder

maybe i do judge people, i don't know

if not, why do i feel so much disappointment

who are you when no one's looking?
are you weak or are you strong?

maybe i am

my mum called the GP to ask for advice

she said that i shld visit IMH in situations like this

i could sense a denial in her voice, maybe a little disappointment

i don't know. i'm not sure. i guess i never was the one to bring her pride.

she asked me to find a faith that i cld believe in. someone to confide in when i'm lost. she said my atheistic beliefs might be driving me mad. she said i shld start praying. she asked me if it was because she wasn't showing me enough attention. she asks me if i've been cutting myself again.

maybe she can't accept the fact tt her daughter might be another eehui

i'm hurt.

i wish i never told her.

no one looks at u the same after u tell them that. they either start to treat u different or they think u are too emo for their own good.

they don't understand that i can't cry. i pent up all my emotions inside cus i don't cry. and i don't know how to get rid of the pain tt's inside me.

maybe i really am crazy.

i'm just another failed product.

Monday, March 07, 2011


it was in sec 2

i don't know how it started

maybe it was the lesbianism thing started by the britney spears song

maybe it was the bad headache that wouldnt go away

maybe it was just me.

i found out that i could fake illness if i wished hard enough

i faked asthmas, made my breathing irregular so that i had cold sweats and my face will turn horribly pale.

i slept in class. i did crazy things. i slammed files in teachers' faces

maybe some part of me wanted you beside me




no wait. i wanted more than that.

and i did really horrible things

just to make sure u noticed my pain.

i wasn't happy until everyone around me was upset and worried about me. i made sure of that.

the world had to circle around me.

and u are a stark reminder of who i was
(and most probably will be shld i forgot again)

maybe there's a reason y u're around.

maybe there's a reason y we r in NIE despite u doing better than me

maybe i still have alot more to learn from being with you

a reminder for me not to be that horrible and selfish person i was

to be someone better.

n i guess i'm nt making sense.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

dear darling sis

u noe wad's e problem with u. u never spend enought time at home.

when things happen at home. u simply dismiss it n say it's not a big deal

for u yeah duh.

for ur mum it's not.

u never understood ur mum well enuff.

wad u were good at saying, is that i'm like my mother. i behave like her. fuck u really.

u're always busy in sch, i'm nt.

so tt's wad i did, i learnt from u, i'm ran away from home too, i don't wanna stay at home. like u.

n now this to u it's just another incident.

maybe that's why u can consel ppl. u care abt everyone, u haf time for everyone. except for ur damned family.

crash n burn crash n burn crash n burn

i think i've reached a point where i've been feeling really empty inside.

it's come to a point where i stare at cars on e road n wish i was dead
or think that cutting myself is ok because it doesn't hurt anyone.

i need a time out from life.

from stalking ppl on facebook, to posting on my public blog on msn

i need to stop seeking attention

i need time to look within and reflect.

something which i've nt done for really long.

and this blog here will continue to be my own little corner in the cybernet where i seek solace n find meaning as to why i'm still alive.

maybe nthing's much gonna change.

maybe i'll still be the same

i don't noe.

i don't really wanna worry anymore.

Saturday, March 05, 2011



Thursday, March 03, 2011

And never, never, to forget.

“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.”

— Arundhati Roy

if i ever do get a next life.

i want to feel less.

that is.

if i ever do get a next life.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

anddddd march!

it’s e 2nd day of march

i noe it’s no biggie

for most ppl.

it’s just another month.

march is the third month of e year. i like the number 3. my bro’s bday is on march.

the month of march hasn’t always been kind to me, maybe cus it’s e month of my bday so i tend to hope that maybe special things will happend.*naive* /shot

well it does, but usually it’s really smthing “special”

1. i got my funtastic A level results in march, few days ahead of my bday.

2. someone told me some mind blasting news n i cried for days on end, just a few days ahead of my bday too.

maybe life’s just trying to tell me that things happened. whether it’s ur bday month or nt. suck it up. i guess that’s life. teaching me really hard lessons. anything can happen, life still goes on.

life is an awesome teacher.

but still i hope that this month will be a good month. admists the madness that i’m facing now, i really really want a very very good march. just for myself. for once, my selfish self. pretty pls?

oh well c min it is.

i need to see a doctor soon.

i keep delaying it...

lazy laaaaaaaa :( lol

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

love post =)


thank u echizen. u totally made my day n i miss u.


Sunday, February 27, 2011


last night was bad

i'm still alive

thank u

Saturday, February 26, 2011

selfish thoughts

i think what's really scary about u and me

is that sometimes i emphatise with u too much

cus i think we share the same pain

that sometimes

i become really selfish

i take life for granted.

n seek for easier ways out to end my pain.

Friday, February 25, 2011


i asked u to define bff

u cldn't give me a reply

u just kept asking if i was ur bff.

if u haf no friggin idea wad's a bff, den why do u want it?

because they haf it in sex n the city? where bffs come at ur beck n call?

i gave it to u in e end anyway.
if it makes u happy.
haf fun facebooking.
my sis n i laugh alot

for e slightest reason

maybe for no reason at all

it's as if we're e happiest person on earth

what a joke

today i had a random thought
when i was reflecting on who i really am
i've come to the conclusion that i'm a damn emo shithead
look at my blog. LOL
9 out of 10 entries are emo verbal diarrhoea.
fail max. hahahaa

Thursday, February 24, 2011


When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
— Maya Angelou