Wednesday, January 28, 2009

being happy is being delusional

being depressed is being way too realistic & paranoid

going places...

how i wish i could be u smtimes...

but maybe my life isn't tt bad too. if money and intelligence weren't in e equation...


e idea of relationships is weird

it's unimaginably indescribably weird.

maybe because i'm just gay & i fall in love with things that are non-existent aka jdrama actors/actresses

of course e idea image everyone has in their mind would be a happily ever after kind of thing with all e emotional and spiritual support u can get from the other half.

but still... it's kinda of misty...

& i'm really not that much bothered anymore if anyone decides to kill themselves, or just mutilate themselves in a fantastic display of unbalanced emotions because it is eventually their life they're ruining.

that's e power of living in a hostel. u start to wrap urself in air bubbles & then u practically lead ur own life, u cook ur own food, wash ur own dishes, plan ur own life. so staying @ home is a torture. because someone starts to rule over ur life & when u're 21, u dun feel like u have to listen to anyone anymore.

tt is my growing up... childish huh.

i shall thus represent my life in picture.

HAHA. can u imagine it? that such a thing actually exist??? LOL. WOOSH

Friday, January 23, 2009

wheels & cats

it was dark

i saw it run, across the road, into a car and den under e wheel, and den there was this loud crunch...

i saw it fly...


and den everyone stared at me, before they saw it lying on e ground, flipping & turning in agony.
i don't think e head was there anymore.................

e road was wet, stained...

den a few more cars came, and u could hear its body break under the wheels as the cars went by it,

den it stopped moving

fuck. gross. damn.

URGH. stop playing in my head....

Thursday, January 22, 2009

i dun noe y

i don't know why....

but e first thing i do when i meet someone is to look @ their wrist...

maybe it's e paranoia.

i don't know why...

but i really can't be bothered about cca's or group works that much anymore...
cus responsbility isn't really valued that much in society

i don't know why...

but i think euthanasia should be legalised in singapore.
so that we can run away from the pain...
there's really not much pt in living, when u're in pain...
and if selfish people really feel as if they deserve death to spare themselves from the pain and not care about e feelings of those who love them, since they would assume that they're so damn lonely anyway,
they should just jolly well die.

and no. i'm just estelwen, from middle earth, japan, and i work in a non-profit industry. not in e nuturing sector. in case u wanna find me and sue me.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

pls let me be strong to keep myself going =)

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come


today i've learnt...

that ministers are actually vampires so they cannot stand flashlight of amateur cameras. once exposed, their thick makeup followed by their very rubbery skin will melt from the over-exposure to light. this will incur e wrath of their trying-to-act-like-i'm-very-cool-bodyguards-but-i'm-just-a-dog bodyguards to complain to the relevant authorities who are also dogs to be to shoo u away like u're just some dirt.

i've also learnt...

that despite my sch's promises that it's staff will be as caring as those they hope to nurture, it is actually a very polished line taken off an advert to brainwash unsuspecting students. they are all just pigs, licking off food from their plates when there's some big event and busy exchanging useless pleasantries.

i've finally come to the conclusion...

that i shall never ever be a reporter and faceoff with dogs that can walk & talk. i shall not take photos of them with my camera as it causes my camera to crash. i shall also be aware of my lowly second class status in society & not overstep my limits cus no one will praise u for a job well done if e minister dies unglamourously cus of the flashlight.

selfish confession.

the only reason i have to have that want would be not be left behind when u're in ur own world and ready to take off without me.

because people just fade off. like the effects u see in movies. they just fade off into the dark. leaving u there alone carrying the burden of what they used to promise. they can convince u to believe, convince u to make sense out of things that doesn't & then they'll leave, & everything will just crumble around u as u struggle to pick up the broken shards..

because they just disappear, after the promises, they'll always disappear.

so i hope u don't come back anymore. with ur empty promises of love. with ur reassurances that it's gonna be alright. because none of this is real.

just leave. i will be fine. like i always will. don't patronise me.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Saturday, January 10, 2009





她就那么走了。心很痛 。


2009 is sriously nt my year...

Wednesday, January 07, 2009


想念是会呼吸的痛 它活在我身上所有角落

遗憾是会呼吸的痛 它流在血液中来回滚动