Sunday, March 30, 2008


when u have flu, u take panadol, u have cough u take e cough syrup.
but when u have depression wad do u take? pills to numb urself? pills to make urself happy?

depression is cause by our inability to cope with changes, with mounting stress. the inability for us to appropriately seek for help and to vent our frustrations the correct way. depression leads to us being attention seeking at times, but most of e time we just clam up, hoping the world will notice us in some way but when asked wad's wrong, we just simply say, nthing, i'm just tired, or nthing. den we continue to shut up.

depression is like rolling down a spiral staircase, u cannot hold on to anything to stop u, the further u go, the more in pain u are. it's like u're paralyzed, u cannot think, u don't know how to comfort urself, u don't know how to control ur emotions, most of the time, u wld feel that u've screwed up either urself or somebody else's day when in actual fact it's really nt such a big deal. u wld feel like a lousy friend. u wld feel like no one bothers to care, u wld start thinking abt alot of things that doesn't really make sense. when all these are not true.

for 3 days in a row, i've felt on the verge of tears, for nthing, or even e simplest of things. and it's nt pms because i just had my fucking mensus. fuck it man. just fuck. damn u.

i'm just finding a way to save myself. that's all.... it's so painful to go through this again.

Friday, March 28, 2008


congratulations to myself

i've officially entered the first stage of depression where i can't eat, can't sleep properly, am almost at the brink of tears every 1 hr since yesterday and can't wait to get myself knocked down by a car when i cross the road.

and if u think i'm seeking for attention thru this blog, i guess that's wad all depressed ppl do.

and if u think i'm wallowing in self pity, that's what all depressed ppl do as well.

the good thing is i haven started doing really stupid stuff yet so i'm still alive.

and i really hope this phase will pass soon.

i tot e first step to saving urself is to acknowledge that u're depressed. so now i acknowledge. what now?


Tuesday, March 25, 2008


nadir, is the word of the day

nadir sounds like nair... i'm racist.

and i'm nt funny. i can't be funny when i'm stressed. i try but i still can't laugh.

laugh u bastard, laugh.

and really, shut up cus i'm trying so hard to make u understand wad i'm teaching but u dun care if u know or not. u just want to get it over quickly and done with. and i shall be stubborn and tell u this will not do. i will start nagging like a 40 year old hag, i don't care if the whole damn class hates me. i just want u to listen. not zone out!

u know it's so depressing when they just don't listen. because in some sense, ur lesson has failed technically speaking. at least for P2s, i know what the hell is going on. for P4s i'm as lost as u all are.

and den when i walk past other classes everyday, i see students busy, while the teacher is teaching, cutting little bits of paper, drawing rubbish or staring into space only to be suddenly aware that i'm staring at them outside the window with a little grin on my mouth. because this is what makes them students, and this is what makes them so irritating too.

and den at the end of it all, the only thing i can comfort myself is that i'm trying, i tried and i will continue to try without fail to make sure u learn.

nadir... is still the word of the day.

Monday, March 24, 2008

a morbid thought

i wish for my 20th birthday

to drop dead from fatigue while teaching maths, & scare the shit out of my kids and make e teachers regret ever treating a untrained teacher in such a way.

& hence my birthday wish, and i secretly hope it comes true. o.o


& they always say be careful for what u wish for....

i know my colleagues have been through worse, but i just can't help feeling that all these is just crap. & i'm so scared i'll flunk e shit. oh god please come soon may with moi uni/nie letter and take me away away away

Saturday, March 22, 2008

to anon, it's time we settled this

thank u again for dropping by my blog. it's always so lively to have u around. it's so like u real life where u have to start a big commotion everywhere u go. i have no respect for sneaky ppl like u.

i already know who u are. if u hate me that much, den dun pretend to be so nice in front of my face and tell me to do little favours for u.

fine if u hate me cus i have my fair share of fair-weathered friends and those whom i know will stand beside me. i can't expect myself to be likable and to be accepted by everyone.

i also apologise if my previous action of boiling the water has hurt u. i do nt do this to ease my guilt nor do i do these to push away my responsibilities. i've said what i've said, done what i've done and i will be fully responsible for it.

everyone has 2 faces to the people they don't like. me included, and i don't deny it. i can swear that i've never backstabbed anyone knowingly to cause someone hurt. i am human, i love, i hate and i regret that my dislike of u was made known to u.

email me my dear anonymous, if u feel that there's a need to clarify misunderstandings, spew me with vulgarities or to demand that i apologise formally. i will try my best to ease ur pain as a result of my irresponsibility, childishness or hypocrisy towards you.

if it makes u feel better seeking revenge on my blog, den go ahead. i will not hide my blog, i will nt go "underground". i will continue to blog abt what i want to blog & say what i want to say.

i've already told u i'm willing to apologise and i'm sincere. but i have no intention to beg u to forgive me if u're no better in personality as compared to me.

take it or leave it.

verbal diarrhoea

i woke up at 11am and got scalded by the water that was boiled 2 years ago.

sounds funny huh.

i think it sounds funny too.

and guess what, e nie thing, i'm really nt looking forward to it after all because someone made me promise to call her once i step into a nie campus. no way i'm gonna do tt. but den again. a promise is a promise. so i shall flip e coin to decide. LOL. heads to not call her. tails to not call her too. XD

oddly, it's e uncertainties that are killing me. my workload is increasing since the exams (not mine, e kids) are coming but everything is just so magnified by all that unknown crap crashing down on me. uni crap, "friends" delicate relationship crap, all tt big hoohaa crap, all that i'm nt supposed to have said tt but since it's done it's done crap

and honestly, i've done alot of reflection since what happened 2 yrs ago and i've always told myself that if karma shld come back and bite me for gossiping (which in actual fact, i still find tt there's nthing wrong) den all i had to do is be a little rabbit, fart at stupid karma in e face and hop away again.

and a little note to e love of my life. thank u for being there :)




Monday, March 17, 2008

what are u really really really really really good at?



Saturday, March 15, 2008


what exactly is guilt?
does it come from us having a conscience?
then why do we hate feeling guilty?
because it comes back to us again and again, reminding us of how we were not there when someone who was the slightest bit related to u was in trouble and needed a kind word or a helping hand?
or is it because we are simply being selfish because we hate the feeling?

and i know that at the end of it all, should anything happen to u, any one of u, i would feel so torn up by guilt because i wasn't a good enough sister, family member or friend...

i am so bloody selfish.

i don't know if i tried to be there. i don't know if i did push u away when u tried to reach out to me for help. i don't know if i burdened u with more crap den u can already handle by selfishly telling u all my woes.

i am sorry for not being there. i know i suck. and if it makes u happy, it doesn't make me less guilty and i'm nt running away from any responsibilities.


Friday, March 07, 2008

i'm blessed...

i'm so used to using the soft approach.

and den they try to screw around and seek for more attention....

because everytime i scold them, i feel so damn guilty. because it's nt their fault that they're not loved at home and then do something wrong so that u can scold them. it is not their fault that their parents have no time for them.

it's like wad the principal said. they didn't choose to be born into this kind of family.

but that kid is not really screwed... just a big mouth that just can't stop. so why am i blowing my top?

because i can't control him? and that i'm equally screwed up in that sense?

i don't know. i only know i'm blessed to have my family.... haix
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Wednesday, March 05, 2008