Saturday, April 30, 2005

My Immortal

current status...: i'm lost...

I'm so tired of being here.
Supressed by all my childish fears.
If you have to leave.
I wisht that you would just leave.
Because your presence still lingers here.
And it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal.
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
[chorus]When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
And I held your hand through all of these years.
And you still have.
All of me.
You used to captivate me in by own resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind.
You're face it haunts my once pleasant dreams.
You're voice it chased away all the sanity in me.
These wounds won't seem to heal.
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
I tried to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone out of love.

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Sunday, April 24, 2005


TheRe MaY STilL B HOpE LeFt
BuT i HaVe ChOsEn exiLe
u LefT mE wItH sCArS
haGGArD, tIReD, dRaiNed
ThUs i havE ChOOseN eXilE
DuN AsK whY, Dun ASK whO
dUn queStion WheRe i WouLD Go
bEcAuSe SilIencE is The Best lAnGuage
bECAuSe ChooSinG exIle is E bEst Way

Friday, April 22, 2005

i need a break, pls leave me alone for a while

current status...: holding on to what is left of me..

i always say tt i wanna die... but do i mean it? i always say tt i'm going break down soon, but did i? but this time i think i mean it. i need some privacy, i need to be alone.. writing in blog now feels more like telling others what i want them to think abt me rather than a self reflection... maybe i need to change my bloglink.. maybe there isn't a need for me to write any more..

close friends have been my source of comfort recently, i'm so thankful to have u around julia, 10 years of friendship & still counting.. : ) thanks for being there because i dared not confide in anyone else cause either it'll be betrayal or i'll be given stupid advices like to leave the source of frustration alone.. it made sense when u translate into chinese... yong ren zi rao, ming ze bao shen or something like that. my mum chooses this route, i guess i'm going to join her in treading this path soon.

i'm emotionally burdened. everytime someone says sth stupid, it pisses me off. might be because of biological reasons tt my temper is so short, but it might also be due the fact tt the more ss talks, the more irritating i find him/her is. childish, naive, attention seeker...

we used to have such people in our class as well, but i stayed away from them. i guess i got along well with the back row cus they're not as childish. i do think the back row is much more mature than the rest. we whine less, we stand up for each other, we all thought the people who decorated the class as one that lacks common sense, artistic sense & monetary sense. imagine spending 20 over bucks over a few pieces of junk rag with circles sewn on it. talk abt retro effect, more like begger effect. and worse, their (specifically directed @ LTB) lack of common sense makes ur blood (not only mine, but many others including the back row..) boil. by covering the windows with these rags with circles & creating an effect that was supposed to make one go " whoa " (in the end, it created more of a " wah lao" effect )

i realised i haven laughed for a while... i was the maniac laughter queen, together with amy, in 4i. horrible laughters we had, but we didn't care. haha.. just laugh out loud, laugh out the unhappiness that we keep inside due to the ostracizing, laugh out the disappointment cause we keep failing chemistry & mr tan keeps saying it was not because he didn't teach us but because the questions were ambiguous! yeah damn rite they were, i bet his IQ level & his ability to teach chemistry remains ambiguous as well.


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Thursday, April 21, 2005


current status...: dead piece of log, headache again..

i dun think this entry will be long... just needed to write something.. just needed to clear out my thoughts cause i haven been sleeping well.
it's quite amazing when u find that ur predictions about a certain aspect of a society or a certain someone comes true. it's like discovering the answer to one of the many unanswerable questions in life..
why do we question what we can't change? like the casino debate, i felt that singaporeans were being lead on a wild goose chase, only to realise that the deicisons the govt has long ago made for them leads them back to square one. ironic? i see it as totally hilarious. thank god i didn't bother myself with all this rubbishy debates abt upholding morales & be the morally upright heros, or be the one who sees all, one who predicts the future. thus, this casino must be built ' for the good of all singaporeans' ?! my ass, more like to feed the already filled pockets of the ministers. flithy rich people!

the thought that i'll meet u guys this friday makes me look forward to life. it seems like a short term goal in life which propells me on and give me the occasional strength when i feel down but who cares abt the duration? all that matters is that i'll be seeing u. my heart has this yearning for this someone whom i shall not name.. like it is shameful to fall in love, to fall in love with ur senior. or maybe it wasn't even love at all, but admiration & respect? what are these feelings i keep inside, they're making me go mad, i'm losing control. frustration, love, anger & dispair.
dear estelwen:
ur selfish desires has led others to suffer in ur stead, yet u seem unaware of what is happening around u, insisting that u're the victim, the people around u are the cause of ur despair. almost every blog entry has to be written about u, yet do u care? what makes u think that this world consists u & u alone? have u spared a thought for others before u say anything hurtful? have u wondered how hurt those who cared abt u will be when u wilfully porclaimed that they're too busy to care about u or even suggest that maybe they don't even care abt u.
how i wish i could tell this straight in ur face, yet i fear i may hurt u my friend..
friend, how do u even define this word? people who give u what u want? or people who give u what is best for u? why is the definition is broad, so difficult to set a scope. what u want may not always be best for urself, yet to give u what is best for u may not always be what u desire.
don't u even dare to have this thought that u're alone cus it is with these thoughts do darkness consume u. what do u fear? what prevents u from moving forward? or do u even want to move forward at all?
technology has gone to the extreme where human emtions can be gauged by the computer, what next, computers telling us how we should feel? will life be as beautiful in the future when everything is so clearly defined? for i only find beauty in things which has no clear definition, no clear outlines...
in the end, i guess i still wrote alot... feel like writing more but my brain is failing me...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

current status...: headache... i having alot of these irritating ailments... as if i'm a few hundred years old.

i failed my LEP test, smirked as my friend looked devastated by discovering the fact that what she had actually believed in was a whole lot of bullshit, didn't bring my NYJC collar pin & lied that i lost it, avoided my friend blah blah blah..
ok... so what are these? confessions of a teenage girl? what rubbish... i can't even bothered to be good.. i'm in a cynical mood = i act which ever the way i want..

gt this frm vanna's blog
one of the secrets to maintain happiness is not dwelling on the bad things in life, but concentrating on tha good.some difficult things come into our lives so that we can learn and grow from them.but we just have to trust that there are better days ahead and go on with life,always searching for things which are everlasting and eternal,discarding those which are temporary.the art of being happy,afterall,lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.

veinah u write cheem blogs man..haha...

that was a slight digression. back to the main topic which i forgot what it was.. rubbish...i still feel pissed, when i think that people who got choosen for LEP interview decided to drop it after principal tells them that they cannot cope. WHAT RUBBISH! SHE WASTED A CHANCE, AND WHO KNOWS THAT MIGHT BE MY CHANCE! assholes of the century are in my class. oh man this sucks.

it's nearly 3.. i'm touched that faith bothered even to read my whining entries.. i bet everyone who read it will be like bored to death so i don't care what i write as well.. i realised that my running away seems to be similar to the way my parents handle their problems, which pisses me off immensely. they run away, they lament on how unfair the system is, the condemn blah blah. isit wrong? but there isn't a rule that parents are always right as well, it's just that stupid confucious or which ever philospher who thought of this stupid idea was most probably tryin to suck up to his parents so that he can get his hands on his parents property when they die or smthing.. i bet when my friends read this, they start admonishing me in their whiny voice:"A..., u very bad leh!" LIKE I CARE?!
my mum teaches me to not place so much emphasis on friends, every man for himself, study hard and get a great job & i bet she's secretly wishing tt i'll just let her have a good life while she laments every day that to have us was a punishment for the sins she committed in her past life. i hate it when she says that. fuck.. i hate it. haix... suddenly i realise when i grow up, our parents didn't seem to be as great as we thought.. they ask us to read letters for them, do stuff that they used to do for us in the past...
i dun know why am i condeming everything... i feel like crying (AT 3AM !) i'm agitated...
this is not me...pls disregard all this...OMG... what the hell is wrong with me...
fuck fuck fuck... shit.... something is taking over me............

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Sunday, April 17, 2005

i'm so glad u cared...

pessimist r secretly optimist because its human nature to hope for the best, but pessimist don't say it out because they're afraid of disappointment

Blogs- their impact on the world.
Blogs have definitely created a momentous impact on the world. Almost every teenager has a blog, and even adults have caught on the rising trend of it. What is a blog? It is an online journal where a person can write his or her thoughts down. So why are blogs so popular? Wouldn’t a person want to keep his or her journal a private secret? After all, journals are meant to be a private source of confessions. What blogs have become is evident- they are no longer mere scraps of a person’s sentiments, but a platform for people to dare to write what they would usually keep within the locked perimeters of their minds.

haha.. ok... the first few paragraphs r quoted from faith... oh well.. ppl who are really gd in languages can truly express wad they feel, i suck when it comes to handling language, that's why i resort to just scolding vulgarities to express what i feel is unfair in this world. i guess that's the thing that seperate people who are of higher thinking order from people who don't bother to think much.
sometimes i regret giving my blog address to my friends... i hate losing my privacy to people whom i know, cus it's like u're showing them what's ur weakness inside. i don't have a private diary, used to but didn't bother to keep it neat so i had to resort to using computers...
but sometimes i guess it's to my advantage as well, i can use it to direct my anger and frustration at people whom i feel need to go get a life. unless they're so stupid as to not to get it, then it ain't my business no more.. i'm so tired, trying to get people to let go when i'm not even letting go of my past. i'm so tired, when people keep convincing themselves that they are shit when they're not. what can i say to make them see that they're not? maybe i just lack this ability to convince... but as a friend, i'm a total failure cus instead of helping u, i seem to be aggravating the situation. the guilt drains me & i don't dare to face life any more. i wonder how i managed to survive sec 2's hell but than i guess maybe mine wasn't as bad as urs, and maybe my friends were there for me as well... haix... maybe i'm not capable to give u more than what is expected of me...
i'm crapping... i'm starting to get depressed... i know the scholars will be there... they always have been... thanks junjie...haha... juz wanna go out & chill.. miss cedar miss cedar... urgh

(2005-04-17 12:30:45) 鄙视罄翔

have u ever felt that u've been thrown in this situation where u don't know whether u should move on or stay behind & live in the wonderful memories. i guess i need security, one that nanyang has failed to give me so far. have a few close friends here & there but i've this feeling that something is lacking.. cedar was everything to me, i found love & friendship, i found security, i had this cedar family watching over me where ever i went. then we were just forced to jump from this platform straight into to ocean, where danger lurks in the shadow... u're expected to swim to the other platform which is located @ some god forsaken place. just when u thought u've reached it, u suddenly realised that it was just a mirage, by then u're out of breath, tired, struggling to stay afloat with the waves washing u to somewhere.. what would u do? perservere and try swimming again to the place where u first wanted to go? or back a hasty retreat & return to where u once came from? i chose the latter... cus i felt the black hole consuming my thoughts, i felt despair... i needed love...
guess all this sounds stupid... but i'm just glad to have u there...

RiVerDance,tHe HeaRt of alL tHings ceLtic, takemehigh~lEtmEsOaR!
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come


my current stats.. : distracted, mentally drained..

alot of things weighing down on me... sch work, friends, family members' relationships... affairs of the heart.. i mean it's like dotx.. when u only hear about this kind of things happening to others, u dimiss it cus u don't think it'll happen to u. but suddenly these things strike so close, strike so close to ur heart, u become so affected though it does not concern u directly, it concerns people whom u love, ur relatives, people who are always with u, a part of ur memories.. so what now? i'm supposed to start a bra burning campaign? start a i hate all guys campaign? haix... so lame...
alot of times, i tell myself to grow up at look at the bigger picture, but i guess i won't be slacking right now if i had learnt how to..
haven't been blogging much, haven been writing much to my pen pal either.. i was wondering when would be the time when i really stop writing, stop thinking? when i lose my soul? when i feel that life has nthing much interesting for me to write about anymore, then i choose death...
i hate the way things are now, i hate sch, i hate my friends... can u believe it? i actually looked at the nygh bitch sitting at the other end of the room and had this sudden urge to cry?! i guess i was very frustrated and depressed at that time so i just needed an outlet i guess.
girls are too sensitive, in fact too damn sesitive that we sometimes let it ruin us... i just wish i shouldn't have been born that way. maybe homosexuals are best. it's because they have a combination of both, they might even have better social skills then others, both male and female alight.
i need to know my current standing, about anything.. i need a statistical report, like how well i'm doing in school, how am i faring at home and stuff... geuss i feel so lost in terms of spiritual guidance that i need numerical statis as a guidance... it's pathetic to see my mentality and judgement being eroded to this stage... it's pathetic...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Sunday, April 10, 2005



最近很想回去在四德的往日.. 一种冲动,内心的召唤... 感觉.... 对,我是为了寻找感觉,那特殊,令人回味无穷的感觉,那无法取而代之的感觉.就有如一个小孩在寻找他心中所缺乏的母爱,需要其他东西来添满心灵的空虚,好让这难受的感觉离他而去.
自从梁校长校长接任后,我们学校的纪律就不如以前那么严格了.这好处是很多,但坏处也是不可否认.我们虽不在向往日时过着提心吊胆的日子,我们也较自由了,但是人呢,总是喜欢得寸进尺,学校的风气也开始败坏了... 很遗憾,因为四德一向都是以严格纪律来培养出良好学校风气而成名.校长一片好意,想让我们的独立,让我们在得到更多的自由后会以成熟的态度来应付,没想到却弄巧反拙..


Saturday, April 09, 2005

Mamoru mono ga nai yo~

mood: i need love..
msn nick: Mamoru mono ga nai yo~it's been a while since i felt loved.

a lot of cute guys on tv right now... haix....
i need a life, i wanna go get a life....
been slacking, not studying...
of all things said, of what have i done?

maybe i wasn't meant for u,
maybe we weren't meant to be...
as i tread on the road of life
i feel so lost, i feel so small..
yet all u know is to comment
and make no effort to offer aid
i need u, where are u?

call teenagers apathtic but i think because we aren't expected to think but to just bury our heads in books, get good grades, get a job, serve the freaking government, get benefits, ignore the despotic government rule, & hopefully not get any illness when retiring cause the existance of the medishield is equals to that of not having one, then hopefully die a peaceful death without the help of any assisted aid...

in fact, we've become so void of emotions, feelings that all we're left with are the most undesirable human traits, power hungry, materialistic, selfish... or am i just being paranoid & melancholy again. everything in this world alone is fake... beauty, looks, her people, even babies are made by science but and not conceived natural way...

i always what was the world before this, or maybe it was equally as artificial as well....

how well do i know myself... or maybe that's all i need to know abt myself, stupid, simple & even more stupidity...
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

wandering... i feel so lonely

mood: lonely

sometimes we love to be so positive that we neglect what is a fact & what is a myth. sometimes, we think we maybe the brainest person in the whole school but in reality, what we know is so not enough to get us through all these...
i thought naively for a while that i had gotten used to the school & her people but today, reality has proven me wrong... i'm not gaining anything, but i'm losing alot of things, like my skills to socialise & the zest/zeal or whatever motivation that propelled me forward in the past had seem to left me.. i feel dead, lifeless... i can't connect with scholars as much as i wish to & as well as i did in the past. i can't connect with the people around me because i have sudden spams to leave crowds & find solace in solitude. i feel unreal, i feel as if ever since i've entered this jc, i'm acting a play that is boring & never ending.
to think i actually thought i was happy... i was... for the first 3 months before bai yun gang... after that, everything just went downhill.
rumours of schmates sloshing eat others guts out just to leave a gd impression on the seniors & get elected as the next president or what ever committee position hangs in the air. like the stench of the rotting dead that just will not disperse in this stagnant air. i had actually wanted to run for all this kind of leadership stuff, but my mental capacity is failing me. i hate myself for being weak..
my sis has friends who slit themselves as well. it seems like they enjoy it... kinda of morbid i guess... everyone faces different difficulties in life. why don't i dare to dream? what in the world am i really afraid of? i seem not to know myself too well.. like the soul & the body being detached..
我非常希望,自己能有勇气面对自己,面对观众,面对现实。我很期待,那还没到来的一天,我能站在镜子面前,对自己说,我对生活很满足...我...很快乐! 现在身体都快逞不住了.很郁闷.快跨了...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

i wanna write, sing, dance! i wanna be free...

mood: 'cedar'ish
msn nick: stupid lar... i dun wanna write this msn thing

i'm going through this process of "stupiditation" of which my mentality forces me to accept the fact that i'm a dumbass. i'm happy for huihui when she's feeling truly happy, i do feel worried for her when she becomes too melanchony so it's kinda of nice to see others around u in a jubilent mood.. hui, u look so beautiful when u smile...
i still miss my dear.. dearest blue, mother in law, sister, good friend... she's a great person to be with. i don't know, maybe it's because i can connect with her w/o having to hide anything inside, as with most people in cedar... cedar makes me feel @ home... in fact, cedar is my second home... talking abt displaying public affections... she's the person i have hugged the most of all the friends i knew in cedar... even my best friend of 10 years didn't hug me as much as she did.. is like everything feels so much better after u truly hug someone & u mean it... like sharing the burden w/o actually having to say what my load is... i haven been able to get this feeling since i came to ny... i don't know.. maybe i still can't trust others enough yet... (do give me a year... but is that too long?)
what makes cedar united? a sea of bue... how i miss this phrase.. the cedar spirit, enough to let the cedar flag soar high.. the extreme emotions u feel for this sch, hate and love.. a place where u feel free enough to approach just abt any teacher, a place where we sneak food into classrooms, change in classrooms openly or behind closed doors. it's the culture.. just like you don't need a reason to love someone, u don't need a reason to love cedar as well.
i miss this feeling... where u walk around the sch compound, looking frantically for a familiar face. or u go back to class to see our dear vanna eating fruits to save up for prom. or see yisha running around preparing for guides or prefectorial board stuff, jane and lynn as well..
i'm not making sense already... i better stop... don't feel like lamenting abt life.. it's tiring..
once a cedarian, always a cedarian...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

self denial

mood: drained piece of shit
msn nick: dun wanna type... this is so not creative

so now after facing the disappointment of not being appointed a ct rep, i face another bigger disappointment... i didn't get the scholarship for lep.. haix... i guess i won't be the one lamenting on how unfair this system is because out of the 81 ppl who got into lep, & those few who were chosen for the interview for the scholarship, how many of them truly love & have the passion to study lep? then u start to see how we, people who are so fervent abt chinese culture more than the 2 bonus pts, are deprived of a chance to actually broaden our scope & develop our passion...
i guess all this will sound like a whole of bullshit to one that is not studying lep... but i fall w/i the range!!! haix... even 11 pts is not guarenteed... tried not to dwell on it too much, in case it becomes a burden..
i guess i'm now in a mood of self denial, or basically, i have slipped back into a mode where i just sit at a corner & rot for all i care...
i wrote a whole lot of crap yesterday but blogger denied me access, thus all efforts go to waste.. maybe in life, this happens as well... u give so much, yet sometimes u get nothing back at all, only tears, sweat, blood & a drained mind... when did some genius invented a phrase that says reap what u sow... what rubbish! if the weather conditions do not suit crop growing, no matter how hard u labour, u'll still get nothing in return..
should i even run for student council? the plus point is that i'll have a purpose in life if i do get in, the negative part is that i've gotta make speeches to convince people i'm the one... i hate making speeches... action speaks louder than words... runi is a great eg.. she is a very talented speaker (in fact much better than the square) but what she does for the sch is really not comparable as to that of lynn's. what's ur pt when u puke a whole of rubbish, bring hope, make people believe in you & in the end, you give nthing of what u have promised...
why is it so that the society wants us to speak up more instead of encouraging us to honour our promises & focus more on the action part than the noise pollution component. how come we always vote for people who are much better speakers but lousy leaders? then where does all the logic go?
i make it my pt to give it my best shot, so that i don't regret what i have done at the end.. i wanna live my life to the fullest... i wanna live a life..w/o regrets...
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Sunday, April 03, 2005

my special thanks to...

mood: moodless
msn nick: 四德PRC scholars,衷心感谢你们! 落红不是无情物,化作春泥更护花..

before i start whining or anything... i'd like to give my special thanks to these group of people who bothered to remember when i came to this earth to become an asshole
1. to first & formost, ppl from cedar
--> cldds juniors, chenjing, zhuang jing, junjie, the back row especially julia, melissa, amy etc
--> thanks for the warmest wishes & memories that u've given me... cedar rocks always
2. secondly, ppl from 5a7a
--> the ppl closest to me in 5a7a, siying, eunice, ee hui, radhiah (i love u all!)
--> and anybody else from 5a7a, not forgetting wenshu..haha... thanks
3. long lost friends... haha... not really...
--> angie, twins, ron, zhenhua, zixin, & of course my forever friend & lovely pen pal liu chang
4. basically anyone else..haha...
guess what, i acutally volunteered to be a ct rep but didn't get nominated... den the same feelings consume my thoughts, i'll go through this process where i start degrading & denying myself. By the end of the process, no matter what i think, i'll be drained & tired... is that even normal? it's like everytime i don't achieve what i set out to do, i'll just start getting upset & then i'll start to doubt myself & most of the time, my inner voice will start mocking me, saying how stupid & useless i am, then i'll feel very humiliated, very confused.. maybe it's because i don't believe in myself or whatever...
red jacket actually replied me through qq, i guess it's the only thing that cheered me up today? oh yar, & we managed to get a motorised scooter or whatever u call that.. meanwhile, the other times are like shit i guess...
i need to be honest, i need to be true...
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come