Wednesday, December 31, 2008


i wonder how lynn is, after her refusal/inability to reply to my msg despite her promises to keep in touch

i wonder how sha is, after she left for studies overseas, her love for anime and japanese still as strong as ever and her continuous passion for the arts

i wonder how jane is, with her european look alike face and her love for disney's mickey mouse seemingly eternal.

i guess i haven't been a wonderful friend either. forgetting birthday's, not noticing other ppl's pain, not forgiving enough for the misunderstandings cause by the differences in us.

maybe it's cus e stupid nyona show is making me cranky haha

Thursday, December 25, 2008




Thursday, December 18, 2008

woosh 4am

i think i can't live without my bed.

i'll need a quilt, 2 pillows and 3 bolsters.

i can't slp anywhere else.

i take a few hrs to slp in my bed in hall.


and e blinding lights with e crazily low base sound that just breaks ur eardrums if it gets any louder.

it's like ur heart is pumping so hard it's gonna break ur ribcage and u'll drop dead in a pool of blood. haha

it's crazy. e sexually charged crowd. everyone's horny. and den u just stand in e corner and shake. no one cares anyway.

and den along e road u see ppl slumped against e wall, vomit all over.

it's like they enjoy being in this state.

i can't slp for god's sake. i can't slp... fug

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

force be with u

he believes... XD


because i cannot give.

e world revolves ard me

because i make up too much excuses for myself when i make mistakes

because i expect too much out of people


because we love building walls

that's e only way we survive

there's no natural law governing e whole damn thing

it's just a whole mess of jumble

it's just a way to survive

for no friggin reason

but we're here, breathing, and in pain

and then we'll continue to crawl, scramble towards a light

any light

just light

in hopes that something will be better in e future.

there is no other force governing ur life

it is just u, urself, ur life, and wad u can do with ur life.

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

in e mood for love

been pretty pissed off e whole week

but i guess i've just come to realised, u're probably in ur own world.

and maybe i'm nt that angry with u so much anymore

with every fall, u're supposedly stronger, but all i have are scars and fears.


Saturday, December 13, 2008


i think i shld, one fine day, visit IMH and get medication for my bouts of paranoia, insanity & depression.

i think i shld.

then again, isn't it irritating to have known me, i'm loud, i'm sickening, i'm full of shit, i'm paranoid, i get depressed and start moaning abt how i wanna die on my blog and den i'll make u feel unhappy/worried. wad is so good abt me as a fren?


i secretly thinks my grandma praying for her death to come. no wait, i think we're all praying that she'll leave this world. talk abt mercy killing

she's just lying there, all skin and bone... her wound's full of pus, her skin blue black. she has no flesh... i cannot see any flesh... her house has a stench. in fact i bet we'll look like we're abusing her. she can't really talk now, she doesn't respond when i call her. her eyes are always closed... she curls up into a ball and falls into an uneasy sleep, she's been falling down e bed at night.

i dun even noe if she fits into e definition of living.

and den there's this buddhist song playing continuously nxt to her bed... e same one my maternal grandma had nxt to her bed and e song that i had to listen to during e wake and when she was cremated. it's so freakingly creepy. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thursday, December 11, 2008

laws of attractionHAHA



i think i'm seeing things, even though i dun believe them, i keep thinking that i've been seeing them, which is pretty ironic and full of crap. grandma still visits me.. HAHA.

i'm thankful, for the things they do, the little things like giving u words of encouragement out of the blue, telling u weird stuff like laws of attraction when u're cycling 40 plus km, worn out but amused with all e singing, screaming & insanity.

i'm grateful for e little things they give to me, words that sort out my shitty thinking. and i dun expect them to be there all e time because they've already given me more than enough.

yet i dun trust them, cus they exist on superficiality, on convenice, on value of worth.
they'll leave. they'll just leave when what it has been built upon crumbles, memories can't save them, even e best ones...

i've changed, i realised...

because i feel there's no need for me to put in more than what is my share in grp works because no one else bothers, and e acknowledgement doesn't get u anywhere. because u give it ur all but it's considered dumb becuase others are just not giving that much. because there is a market rate and we shld follow it.

there's no need for responsibility, there's no need for punctuality.
just sorries, sorries and more apologies

fine if they accept, or just get another friend who'll tolerate ur nonsense.

it's 4am.

i've lost my marbles. i'm a bimbo. HAHA

Therefore I say unto you, what things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." ( Mark xi. 24. )

Yet once you have taken a decision, then rely on God. God loves those who are reliant” (Al-'lmran:159)

Sunday, December 07, 2008

ugly beautiful

i'm watching a show i don't understand

i'm nt crying when i'm supposed to cry

i don't want to dream...

i don't feel guilty when i'm nt there for u

because we all want to bleed

we all love bleed

and we love e attention that comes with e bleeding

darkness conceals pain, hides weaknesses, makes e ugly beautiful...

i don't feel anything. at all

Tuesday, December 02, 2008


Anytime, anywhere, any place
You could be anyone today
Maybe I will recognize
You on a crowded street

Maybe you'll take me by surprise
Will you be the one I had in mind?

There'll come a day
When you walk out of my dreams
Face to face
Like I'm imagining
Baby how can I be sure
That you're the one I'm waiting for
Will you be

People say we're watching life
Through a glass
Desperately waiting on a chance
I know you're out there,
Holding on,
Holding out for me

How're we gonna know the time is right?
What if you're here and I'm just blind?

How can I know a song
I've never heard
How will I know your voice
When you haven't said a word

How do I know how this will end
Before we begin