Wednesday, September 30, 2009

it means forever

at 12am... death is constantly on ur mind


u wish u cld get it off. fuck. i can't believe i'm emoing abt someone elses's dad. or maybe i'm just plain worried abt a friend whom i know can take care of herself better. just that smtimes i wish i could do more than just ask are u ok? it's a very fucked up question. because we are all trained to say yes i'm ok. dun worry. I WORRY BECAUSE U ASKED ME NOT TO WORRY.


and to think a few years back, u were thinking what's e big deal abt death.

now u know.

it means forever.

I am not there

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived. ~Willa Cather

Friday, September 25, 2009

emo shit

must b PMS again

i cannot, must not, should not blow up at any person. especially kaiqi. fuck u kaiqi. because if i do, i can never take back what i've said.

chill, smile, because anger doesn't get u anywhere.
there's a reason why i changed my blog add

fuck u kaiqi.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


我像落花隨著流水 隨著流水飄向人海
人海茫茫不知身何在 總覺得缺少一份愛


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

because we are imperfect

i have been bitching more than i want to these days.

yet i guess i've come to the realisation that i'm not really a reasonable person to expect ppl to live the way i want them to be. what right do i have to demand that they live the way i want them to? e morally upright way? e simin way?

and because we are all so flawed, fumbling, crawling as we struggle to live life with a smile, we are all beautiful. because we live.

thank u for loving me, accepting me the way i am, and most importantly, letting me love myself too.

i love u. no matter where u are, what u've done for me. i. love. u.

Monday, September 21, 2009

My dreams

i think i'm pretty inspired after listening to a talk about making ur dreams ur reality. even though that talk was focused more on entrepreneurship. i can nvm set up a succesful business.. not yet.

if anything, backpacking around europe, 5 countries in 2 months was a like a dream come true and with it, the world basically opened up itself to me, the endless possibilities on this huge planet and also the places i could go should i just fail to make it in singapore. i mean, singapore is a fucking lousy place to die in.

so here goes...

At age 21, 21st September 2009, Simin wishes to
1. Backpack in every place possible, EXCEPT singapore
2. Sky dive
3. go places with a 4 wheel vehicle
4. Send my fucking greedy mother to Europe again if possible
5. get a car
6. die without a cent in her pocket. if possible, to spend my last moments sky diving.

so here's to u singapore. u're just stifling me with ur hdb blocks.

lol angsty.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

3AM rant. faith slp liao



essays/test/caffeine overdose

Supernatural deprived/in love with castiel sam and dean

wants to pick up CABAL again

is not liking her job as a hon gen sect where i have to chase after hmwork. i mean come on u are already almost adults and teachers to be. deadlines are for a reason.

has been skipping lessons real bad.

is screwing up her sem again.

i want to eat gd food with faith. i wan to sky dive again. i wan to sit and blend into nature. i want to see feel and smell nature. not fucking HDB blocks.

proverbial nightmare

i want RI english.


my fingers are bloodied. i dun noe why. it's dried blood.

i've been bitching alot abt ppl. e fucking girl that comes into our rm without waiting for invitation, my nie sch mates who expects me to do things for her but doesn't noe a damn thing when i need ans to simple questions, e girl who comes to our room to borrow water has recently upgraded to hoping that she can drink straight out of the jugful of water. fuck u, fuck u all.

really pls, knock on e damn door gently, and wait for ppl to open it. u dun open it and invite urself in. are u lackin in common sense or fucking morals?

i dun noe. that fact that my rmmate is ok with all these that's happening is making me sound even more like a bitch. i hate ppl who take me for granted. i hate ppl who are superficial. i hate ppl who think that because we are friends or neighbours, i have a responsibility to look after ur damn welfare.

i am either paranoid again, or they're just simply making use of me.

maybe it's e sense my privacy is being invaded, constantly by ppl i dun really want to see that's contributing to my increased output of bitching and bad temper. i already spend e whole day at sch with a mask on. when i'm in my room, i really need a break from this world.

i may be loud, i may be hysterical, i may be crazy. u can nvr imagine me as being quiet. that's because i dun show it to u. give me some respect and privacy pls.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My definition of love

Oxygen-Colbie Caillat

I came apart inside a world made of angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I fell over my feet
Like bricks underwater

How am I supposed to tell you how I feel
I need oxygen
Oh baby if I was your lady
I would make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby I will be your lady
I am going crazy for you

And so I found a state of mind
Where I could be speechless
I had to try it for a while
To figure out this feeling
This felt so right
Pull me upside down to a place
Where you've been waiting


如果有男朋友代表常和他吵架,被他骂,常因为他而感到懊恼话 ,那么受气的话,为何还要他?



Saturday, September 12, 2009

IT's 3AM




yes i'm writing three entries in a row

cus i want to complain.

my friends have been hell. no wait, they're my "frens"

frens who when u ask them to reconfirm certain datelines would say, i don't noe leh, ask e teacher lor

or frens who when asked abt wat's e ans of e certain tutorial will say, hmm ask ur rmmate! in an act of trying to be helpful.


whyyyyyyyyy should i help these ppl. why why why? HUH.

i feel super duper helpess and stupid when i'm with them. what actually goes thru their minds? are they just plain blur, or they just dun want to help u? HUH??? HARLOW KAWAN KAWAN.

i am very jaded leh. facing this bunch of fucking idiots every day. i am jaded. u are such a fucking friend.

so technically, i have no frens in NIE. except for my rapist rmmate. how wonderful.

3am nuts

3am makes u nuts

and makes u writing nutty trash

things like

if i can't love u more, den let me love u long.

hahahahaha SIAO LIAO

and ppl who spoil market by posting really brainless things on e forum, u're an ass.

i dun like forums. they make u look stupid. the more u try to prove urself to e world, u more u're judged as being stupid.

all in all. stupidity. is. e . word. of. e. day.

confessions of a 难民营

recently our room has become a make shift pantry for ppl who come in to borrow things, refill their bottles or expect me and my rmmate entertain them.

initially it's funny, but after a while it's not.

i think there's no pt in being nice, really. because they are only concerned about how convenient it is to bring in two big bottles, stay at the door and say " i come in and steal ur water hor" and den fill up almost all e water u've boiled for e day.

nevermind the fact that she said she'd steal. i mean i dun mind u drinking up, but hellow??? could u at least refill my damn jug and boil some water for me so that i can drink as well? u think wad? i bought e jug so that i can boil e damn water for u until e pantry is built arh, which is like NXT FUCKING YR?

hello??? if u wanna drink fresh boiled water, and u noe u're gonna borrow from us almost every other day, USE UR UNDERGRADUATE BRAINS AND BUY A NEW BOILER OR SMTHING.

& to do DODO BIRD who comes into our room every friggin nite, knocks on e door so softly that no one can hear & den opens e damn door to invite herself in. HARLOW AH, U NVR HEARD BEFORE OF E PHRASE A CONSTANT GUEST IS NVR WELCOMED?? U THINK WAD, WE TALK VERY FUNNY SO U COME HERE WATCH SHOW ARH! tcs watch channel 8 also need to pay money, u watch us u better pay me some farking money hor.

and to e idiot who tried to borrow our damn induction cooker twice and thought that u'll get it together with a complimentary set of pots, pans and cutlery, get ur own cooker if u noe u're gonna get hungry at night.


& my roommate things gd things must be shared. WTH LOR. more like gd ppl tend to be made used of and treated like stupid idiots who provide for others. we're not some welfare retirement home or a makeshift WWII refugee camp. WE ARE NOT UR FUCKING GOD EITHER. GET A LIFE.

so in e end, i have to say that my roomie has a very big heart and i have a very small and weak heart that is allergic to all e dodo bird running in and out of our room.


why e ppl now a days so buay zhi dong one.

Friday, September 11, 2009

cut urself and everything will be ok.

y is it that we can be so easily angrily with others yet be so forgiving towards ourselves

first there is nothing, than the line becomes slightly pink before it starts turning red.
blood. draw blood. bleed blood.

we cut ourselves for a multitude of reasons. pain is e most common and accepted reason. i want to run from e pain. i am fucking weak. no one likes me. i am useless. i am clumsy.

some just like apologies, not because they are truly sorry. but because they hate e feeling of guilt nipping at their conscience. they seek for forgiveness because they don't want to burden themselves with emotions that make them feel lousy. change is never on their mind. they see nothing wrong with themselves.
smtimes, i wonder if that's e reason she went back to christianity again. i mean y not. god loves u. that's e line u've always wanted to hear from ur frens & family all e time but none refuse to say to u, because u always feel that their love is not whole. even if they gave it to u, u always wanted more. god, to u, is someone who can give u everything that u frens or familys can't.

e reasons are just so wrong.

that is what i see in u. always. u nvr change. u're just afraid tt ppl dun love u. u've nvr thought of why.

that's y i told myself, if u ever were to die one day out of self pity, i will not cry for u. i will not feel guilt. if anything, i've loved u as a friend & am thankful for e times we had together. we are all passing shadows to the ppl we meet in our lives and u will just be a fading shadow too..


Monday, September 07, 2009




我们要到长江边上,向爸爸妈妈 说一声再见。他们在南京杀了很多人。有男人,有女人,有老人,还有孩子。他们把煤油浇到这些人身上,用火烧……火把尸体烧成了灰,灰飘到天上变成云,云又变成雨,雨 撒进大江里,那里,有千千万万个父亲母亲;那里,有千千万万颗思念孩子的心……

Filial piety

search wiki, & u'll know that this is one of the values held above all else in confucian belief.

i don't know y, but after losing both my grandma's within a short span of a year, i realised that there's no specific time in which u have to express love to ur parents.

because as we grow up & have different commitments, it's difficult for us to spend more time with them. "i'd visit u over e wkends, ma" my mum would always say to my grandma, but things would crop up, like my bro wld screw up his test & she would have to spend e wkends tryin drill that dumb block of wood with more assessment bks while my grandma would wait anxiously for my mum and us to go and visit her.

we stopped going down to my grandma every wkend after my dad had to work on sundays. we grew older to care too much abt them as well. my dad wld try to drop by once in a while, buy her fav food, & then look very dejected as she whimpers or blabbers non stop or just stare into space while we talk to her. "if fengyu stops his damn tuition, den we would have money to afford a maid for ah mah wad" i grumbled.

between spending money on buying us things that we want & meeting our needs such as toys, computers & tuition or paying for a maid for my grandma or just visiting her over e wkends, how are my parents to split their love among their parents & their own child?

den when both my grandmas died, my dad spent a few thousand on a paper house, while ironically lecturing us about how these funeral directors like to prey on their guilt. "don't waste this kind of money on me okay?" he said as we stared at that big paper bungalow in awe. my mum wld start to blame herself for not being there at the last moment because she was working.

i think they tried. but when life's realities come in & u join e damn rat race, it's so difficult to spend time with them when they most need u because u have kids to look after, or u just need a break from life/work.

if anything, it's e things that my frens do that really impress me alot. like how my fren would try to give money to her mum cus her mum spends money like water and tries to pawn jewelery thinking she can get them back later. like spending time watching movies with her mum, or changing dates for outings cus she has to go out with her mum.

somehow i always thought that i can only be filial after i have a job, after i have e money to support them, or by showering them with gifts, i would by definition have "fufilled my duty as a daughter". but then again, maybe after i DO get a job and have e damn money to shower them with gifts, who knows by then wad other commitments wld i have.

by then, wld it be too late?

Saturday, September 05, 2009

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Acts of Service

My Detailed Results:
Acts of Service: 10
Quality Time: 9
Words of Affirmation: 5
Receiving Gifts: 4
Physical Touch: 2

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Friday, September 04, 2009

dear god

dear god

i wish to be more forgiving to those who make fun of, mock, give snide comments of my beliefs just because they think they are of a certain religion and think they're more superior than others. in fact, they're more concerned about heaven and hell than they are concerned about living the moment.

i also wish to be more forgiving to those who don't understand and are unable to accept the presence of other religions or beliefs.

last of all, i hope that ur kind will stop mocking us, making fun of my beliefs just only because i believe that there is really nothing up there except of air, water vapour and space.

fuck u, stop calling me a atheist and have a nice day


* no, it is not funny that atheist rhymes with other words. u're stupid if u think that a joke can still be funny after repeating it ten times.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009


韩国式、拥抱 says:

[양사민] 五月八月 religion is really not on my side recently says:

韩国式、拥抱 says:

还以为那些没用又忘恩负义的东西都把我给忘了,没想到他们心里还有我这个教了他们仅半年而又没什么成就的老师。 我想,这些点点滴滴,就是我当时的累,泪和苦换来最好的回报吧。


the owl connection

it sits on the table quietly, staring at me with those huge crooked eyes, nose a little out of place.

it tells that i need to mug hard, that i'm not alone, because somewhere in NUS Temasek Hall, there's i's other half, sitting on the other table, staring at the other person as well as she mugs hard too.

who said only twins had connection. :)