Monday, November 30, 2009

what are the answers?

what are u to me

i don't know

there is happiness

when u try to cheer me up, or give me suggestions when i feel lost

there is companionship

but there is this constant fear

in confiding in u more den i should

this is this frustration

that u don't understand me n what i need, but it's more of me understanding what u need.

is it just me? is it because of the aftermath of wad happened so many years ago.

it was supposed to be abt forgiving on my part.

is it right of me to expect anything out of this friendship?

because somewhere inside. it tells me

that i can nvr depend on u when i fall...

why do u make it sound so simple?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

smile =)

n i have e urge to start learnin e piano again. i can't cordinate my L & R hand e other day i played. bad bad. shows tt i'm getting retarded.

so many things to do....

so many ppl i miss...


Friday, November 27, 2009


having 2 blogs to accessible to e public, one limited, one to everyone

is like having split personalities.

it makes u wonder.

what kind of facade are u trying to put up

who are u actually.


“Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer. Go some distance away because then the work appears smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance and a lack of harmony and proportion is more readily seen.”

~Leonardo da Vinci

Monday, November 23, 2009

that day...

i rmbered tt day was a whirl....

we had just celebrated a fren's bday n were back in our rms. tired.

then i quarreled with a fren online.

den suddenly things just spun out of control.

like i just wasn't in control of myself anymore.

eh, how? i'm in pain. what shld i do?

erm, go jog? cut urself?

crazy arh. wad kind of suggestion is that?

well, i took it in e end anyway.

guess normalcy shldn't be in my dictionary when i decided to stay with her.

she can only be a fren to share weal. not woe.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

as what we'd like to be.

...We all perform.

It's what we do for each other all the time,

deliberately or unintentionally.

It's a way of telling about ourselves

in the hope of being recognized

as what we'd like to be.

-Richard Avedon

just an observation...

i dun wan to wake up. she mumbled

but jason didn't eat breakfast. he's waitin for u to eat with him. i said.

she almost immediately opened her eyes, sat up on e bed & tried to force herself to wake up.

for him

interesting how she would slp through her dates with all her gfs, ie, us, despite knowing full well tt we'll be angry with her, or knows that we've been pissed with her countless times, refusing to budge when her alarm rings.

quite a biggggg difference in attitude here dun u think....


Thursday, November 19, 2009

i figured

that i'll be happy.

in my little comfort zone.

i dun like venturing

into places i dont know

because they hurt me bad

they make me cry...

all e way to e end

because there is no right and wrong way

and i'm falling and scrambling to get on my two feet

then i'll look at the sky, smile

take in a deep breath

i know i can do this

all the way to the end

Monday, November 16, 2009

my sis saw e scars the other day we went out.

wad happened? she said, & then stared at me

i fell, i said, flatly. u noe just fell & scratched myself la! den i gave e stupid farking nervous laugh

OI, say leh.

ok ok, i did it. i dun noe wad happened. it just happened. i'm fine now. no worries.

i mean urs wasn't any better. den i stared at her wrist.

shuddup la. aiyar u wait for me to study my psycho a few more years den i'll come save u & ur stupid mensus moods.

HARHAR. ur few more years wld mean i'll be dead by den already.

i'm so glad she's taking psychology. because she's so psycho smtimes. (judging frm e photos she took with my webcam)

i guess we all are screwed. once in a while.

but i guess what makes us beautiful is that despite all e imperfections & scars. we move on. with vigour. loving & hating life each day. that is us. that is what make us the perfectly flawed human.
(pls dun tell her i uploaded these photos here. haha.she will so kill me)

n depression & self multilation are more common den we think. said to be dr psycho yeo . haha

Sunday, November 15, 2009


i've been receiving live feed from my rmmate regard her status b/w her & her bf. since thurs

it's like having live updates every few hours.

almost like facebook. just tt u can't choose to ignore.

n now tt all of us (3 of us, plus her new flirt, which i assumed will be in her mailing/sms list) are having exams, there's this sense of helplessness due to our inability to commit.

for me. i think life still stays pretty much e same. just that i am affected nonetheless. but i try to ignore it.

"he said he v unhappy... he said he tried his best. then if i wan 2 break den break"

i wonder why she msged me abt this. when she had always wanted an end to this r.ship which she felt was another burden to her already very hard & sad life.

i instinctively typed this:

"babe, whatever it is, we'll be there for u"

i contemplated for a long while... then i deleted e unsent msg.

i began typing again...

"babe, whatever it is, stay strong."


Thursday, November 12, 2009

to my rmmate, long overdue

to all those who've been in a relationship or are in a relationship now. pls define love for me. like just tell me. what makes a relationship?

because i think my NIE mates are screwing up that definition very much....


and i am my rmmate's slave.

like sriously,

she still sets her alarm clock, it rings, she doesn't wake up, i'll wake up instead, and i'll wake her up. & if she still doesn't wake up, i'll go into a supposedly snooze mode, n try to wake her up again n again n again.

simin = alarm clock

her fking alarm clock can ring for ten times within 5 minutes. n because she likes to slp on her phone. i bloody hell can't off e alarm.

she cooks, eats, and then leaves her pot there, expecting it to be miraculously washed for her. she has a unwashed cup that is untouched for 3 wks, a box with mouldy bread & god noes wad.

simin = dishwasher

she doesn't go for project meetings, cus she either can't be bothered, or she overslept.
her grp mates, & also my NIE friends will complain to me. i'll shurg, and say maybe she's nt feeling well.

simin = ass - coverer.

with her r/ship on e rocks, & e probability of her breaking up with her bf high, i believe there will be one less person to nag her abt her medicine & stuff. i wonder who will be taking up e responsbility nxt.

but honestly, selfishly speaking, i do fear for myself, alot of times. cus she noes that there'll be ppl she can rely on when she falls. she keeps thinking that she's independent, that's because she doesn't noe e trouble she's gotten into and how much her friends have covered up for her.

i can fucking qualify for a nanny.

and she still says i'm controlling & fierce & don't let her whine in front of me.u think i want arh. i wish i was callous enough to leave u there to rot n mould like e bread. because it's nt my fucking business. because u weren't even there for me when i fell...

u have no idea how much i still hate u. how much i still can't let go....


i've come to the conclusion

if death was nvr an option,

then why not choose e path where u can be happy.

like just happy??

since u can't bring fucking As into ur grave. hahaha

过客 - 我们都是彼此的回忆


21岁的我好像变得更寂寞。 我们都会远走高飞,我们都有自己的梦想,明年起,就有朋友开始工作,也有朋友会到国外念书了。我们这份友情,会那么的长久,不变吗?





Wednesday, November 11, 2009

hello world.

maths test is dead

my rmmate is nt coming back. ever. =)

ok la. only for now. she's sick.

which is kinda of gd. i need alone time & m gettin it.

i've also realised that she's shut me out from her personal blog.

considering e recent chain of events, i guess we do have ourselves a whole list of misunderstandings and unhappiness. plus, both of us are sensitive ppl so it's not making things any better. so after i've screamed at her for a week, we are now very cordial with each other.

i am slightly bothered. but not very bothered.

i wonder y i m slightly bothered. i was hoping that i wldn't be bothered at all.

cus i nearly blurted out e whole list of reasons why i still do not like u.

i practically threw e words " I HATE U" on her face.

it'll be like. ten reasons why i hate my rmmate but still stay with her.

but, she is not a bad person. we're just on different frequencies. we believe in different things.

not like i'm a easy person to stay with too. i'm a paranoid temperamental bitch.

demanding simin


i'm back. i'm hopeful. hello world.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

it's not

it's not abt what u are not

it's abt who u can be...


i miss my brother...

Monday, November 09, 2009

i think i need to see a doc...

because i can't be cutting myself everytime just a wk before my mensus come.. it's not a very gd indicator u noe. lol

fuck. morbid shit.

let's wait another 3 months to see....

Saturday, November 07, 2009

considering e fact that i am now very very paranoid, very sensitive to comments & u being fully aware, i dun think u commenting that "now a days, my friends all make me worry"is a very nice thing to say.

i didn't want u to worry. so fuck off. i didn't ask u, & i dun need u to.

i could fucking kill my roommate one day.

she thinks she's my fucking saviour or wad.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

total FAIL

because u have been so reliant on bfs dat u can't do without one.

rite... den i must be a total FAIL in their case.

we all need emotional support.

just that i noe that i can't always lean on the same person everytime.

i'm not light u noe. 55kg...

Monday, November 02, 2009

i scare myself sometimes....

e things i think i can do for e ppl tt matters to me...


Sunday, November 01, 2009


the sight of vomitting pumpkins just cracked me up. hope it'll make u smile too =)

glimpse of heaven

through that tunnel of raging waters & utter chaos...

i though i caught a glimpse of heaven