Wednesday, May 31, 2006





it is only human to forget

it is only human to yearn for what is better

and the reason why we sometimes miss the past so much

is because the present holds no hope for the future

u see nothing but bleakness

i see nothing in the future.... i don't know what i want...

this is all so stupid.

shutup & fuck off

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

why do i feel like a lab mice
waiting to be tried on again & again & again

why do i feel like there are hidden agendas? that there are things u're not telling me...

it is never true that people are as simple as they seem
eyes do lie, there are things which we fail to notice...
we wish to see what we want to see
we wish to see our friends true
and in this process, how much details have we left out ?

i dun believe in the purity of spirit or the mind
even kids learn how to lie to get what they want
what makes us nt being able to do that more freely?

i live by my own rules, i realised that there isn't a need to be so kind
u'll always get hurt in the end ...

she sent me this a few days ago.
"you can go through and make new friends every year - every month partically- but there was never any substitue for those friendship of childhood that survive into adult years. those are the ones in which we are bound to another with hoops of steel"

thanks my dear, it's always great to have u ard since primary 1? yeah....
thanks for being so understanding & knowing my faults better than i do myself...
thanks for offering help whenever i'm lost
u're always there....

i bet u'll get married faster than me wor, i be ur bridesmaid okay? :P jia you for As!

Monday, May 29, 2006

长空独有天边月, 为我勾留伴晓寒

god never made anyone perfect...


anyway, i have BBQs!!! i wanna go leh, lian invite me to go summore, but no time lar, faezah bday too >< sighx. holidays used to be filled with bbqs, class gatherings and other lovely dates... nowwwwwwwww u dun have it any moreeeee

so tired.... study study study lor.....

ok this sounds so lame....
i just died in my dreams yest.
i was doing my hcl paper 2 and i didn't noe how to do a particular 20m question cause i didn't study
somehow this seemed like a premonition... or maybe it's happened so many times during the exams till i can actually dream of it....
i am wonderful...

i want to drop dead frm playing computer games... nt frm exams... at least i die a happy girl & become a happy ghost or smthing
i guess the reason for me to be addicted to maplestory is to imagine every object u're cutting is a teacher of nyjc, that's genocide in kawaii way.
maybe i'll pretend that the monster of level 100 made of stones & moss is thaman. then it'll spur me to up my level for my maple character.

so tired.

time's up, u're dead

Friday, May 26, 2006

my mum sucks *smirks*

i can't be bothered to quarrel with her. the one who's angry e longest loses. why bother to be angry with some stupid comments i made. like u didn't make any. u like to provoke ppl? fine, i'm just returning u a favour. enjoy it while it last. i cld list a thousand ways where u're more childish than me. asshole


btw, life sucks. if u haven noticed, stress makes me more hysterical & lethargic than ever.i think e J1s will be thinking i'm nuts.

damn u simin. u're such a fucker.

and rite, i hate ppl who keep nagging that i don't study when i'm trying my best to study my fucking head off. if u dun see it, dun comment. and e worse thing is if u're younger than me, unless u're my sis, shut e fuck up & dun comment on my life. i live it e way i want it. i know myself better than u so stop givin side comments that sound like u've known me since i was born.

and if u dun noe, nyjc has a sucky environment to study. i can't study in e lep with everyone talking and i can't study in the lib with e air con turned on the freeze my ass off so forget abt studying in sch. so fuck off. honestly, i think my life is so much better wldn't u sticking ur nose into my studies. i'm depressed enough already.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

TO CHEE, ZHIXIN, MIAO and any other lamers out there!

check this out!

highly recommended by echizen jasmine and simin estel. it's damn lame. as in the kind where u'll go o.o most of e time and den -_-||| haha

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

and i feel so much better after i bleed.....

he didn't understand
i didn't understand why he couldn't understand.

it's e same for other things i guess.... we're too restricted to our own scope & our mentality. we cannot understand why others cannot see things the way we see it. we cannot understand why some ppl just have to display extreme stupidity when they're actually quite smart. we cannot understand why some ppl are so damn ugly & stupid. we cannot understand why some ppl just love to piss ppl off.

this is the new race of humans. we fail to see....

in fact we've become increasingly blind to ppl ard us. we neglect their feelings, we take friendships for granted, we dun treasure companionship... because they are easier methods by which we can get things done our way w.o us having to think much abt the other party. divorces, complaints, blogging to satisfy our narcassistic mentalities & what have u. why do we have to think for the other party when we have a easier way out?

maybe tt's why we need more councillers & social workers ard... because we cannot even approach our best friend for advice, because we cannot even express to them what we feel inside. it's that sad, but it's so true.

i feel so angry all of a sudden

nxt time when u give advice, try thinking if u want e person to give u e same advice.
the reason ppl search for advice is when they're lost, when they don't know what to do, what to sacrifice. u think they wanna go ard telling everyone abt their inability to solve frenship problems & need someone to come in & help them? u think it's so fun asking ppl for help & having to beg them to convince u why our own ideas just can't work. to guide us thru all this shit. that's what friends are for rite? & this cliched sentence is is being forgotten by us.

i hate u...

it just shows how much we can depend on ppl when we're lost. u can't blame me for being a cynic or a pessimist if i see all this happening to me. that i've been on the verge of exasperation till i haf to turn to ppl i'm nt even close to to get advice. that i've been close to tears everytime i try to get my point across, only to laugh at myself later for even trying to think that i could depend on those ppl whom i call "friends".

attending schools & dealing with ppl has become more of a routine rather than a yearning to meet more ppl. mask & mask & mask & mask of's no different frm a masquerade, w/o the victorian styled gowns....

The true way to be humble is not to stoop until you are smaller than yourself, but to stand at your real height against some higher nature that will show you what the real smallness of your greatness is.
Phillips Brooks

Monday, May 22, 2006

i had wanted to slp at 10pm... sighx

i spend most of my life
1. searching for things that i've misplaced
2. wondering what my next day will be like
3. thinking abt what wld be my ideal relatipnship with a guy/girl (okok i'm bombotic, kill me)
4. feeling distressed over nt being able to complete my hmwrk successfully
5. missing things that i cannot get back
6. blogging

i shld seriously do smthing abt my state of mental health. there are times if i wonder i'll just lose control & kill myself in e most ridiculous way possible.

i'm losing ctrl~~~~~

btw did i tell u i hate ppl who lie?!!! FUCK OFF SHITHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!
何も言わないでも こんな気持ちが
Although it'd be good if these feelings found their way into your heart without me needing to speak a word...

ok this is crap....

apparently college day is crap....
surprise me nyjc... i'm waiting for tt day.

ok dun laugh at me but i spend my last 2 days watching cardcaptor sakura...
most of e time i was laughing my head off with e homosexual & other weird themes like teacher student love & puppy love... it's kinda of disgusting how this kind of kid-themed anime can haf so many subtle hints of weird sexual relationships. but i had fun watching Syaoran & sakura doing the most childish stuff u cld ever think of. i got used to e high pitched squealing after a few episodes & i realised that a very trademark laughter used by zhixin to freak ppl out is actually frm cardcaptor sakura too. *grins*

my friend keeps asking me to watch naruto. *squirms* i dun noe why but just don't seem to like it. shit i better nt be addicted to anime.

anyway, i can't understand how ppl actually lie so blatently unless she is totally unaware of my relationship with my friend when i spend half of my time with her in lep room. who in e right mind wld tell u smthing so twisted that it sounds so wrong & there's a high possibility that i wld ask my friend what truly happened? what are u trying to do? convince me u're right when e facts are against u? or maybe she forgot i take hist & am more aware of what it is to find out 2 sides of e story.... she needs to grow up...

i made a promise that i would never leave u, & would always be by ur side, assuming that these feelings would last....

it's so funny how we always fail to keep promises of how we'll be by ur side & all this cliche & romantic rubbish? notice that all these promises are made in some circumstances that facilitated its short lived life span
1. the person was crying
2. the person was feeling blue & a whole lot of negative emtions
3. u're madly in love with e person
4. u've just got to know e person (let's say ard a few weeks to a few months?)

so if any of e above mentioned situations occured, u gave her/him ur promise, out of pity, love etc. forgetting that feelings & ppl changes over time. in time, u wld come to
1. regret
2. love the person less (quarrels, affairs etc)
or be seperated either physically or spiritually by a multitude of factors

so we always whine when ppl dun keep their promises of being there, forgetting tt things might have changed alot frm e time e promise was made till now, that we are nt as close we first started out. it's always sad, it's always true.

maybe it's e song i'm listening to, but i keep having this hallucination tt my hp is ringing.. damnit.
i've been thinking of a new blog add. (some ass took this add & hasn't updated since may 2004. i wanna stab her.)

haixxxxxx....... how?

~Let him who would move the world, first move himself.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

i noe i shld be studying now....

but to study gu wen for one whole damn bloody week makes u wanna puke when u see chinese characters...

when i'm in a education system all so wrong, e sudden realisation that i'm being exploited makes it twice as hard as it is for me to bear. and it's all so wrong when u realise that advice given by educators turn out be nthing more than just to fufil their ultimate sadistic aim of fantastic grades... and u tot educators would give u what is best for u, nt themselves....

utterly disgusted.

stop telling me tt ny teachers are caring... yeah rite. they are "caring". someone needs to get e facts straight. stop twisting figures, stop behaving like a communist state where u manipulate numbers to get ppl to believe u. get a life man, u're educating ppl, nt mass producing gd grades like plucking a stars frm e skies as if they are e damn bloody coconuts.

stop being addicted to figures!#$&^@#!!!!! what can u fucking get?

i wanted to be a wedding planner. my mum wanted me to stick to e conventional. be a teacher lar. salary more stable. dun go and do those weird weird stuff lar.

thanks man. no wonder entrepreneurship doesn't thrive in singapore. i must well be a ma ma san, earn more ah. *waves fist @ gah-men*

Thursday, May 18, 2006

we only see pretty faces
& nt bleeding hearts...



and i miss e grey skirt, blue shirt & the trademark tie suddenly...

it hurts to move on when there's smthing holding u back... seeing ppl cheering their hearts out for their friends on e track brings back so many wonderful memories of t & f championships... how we hurled vulgarities at faggots, how we screamed for a school mate on e track. how we sang e sch song w.o having to rehearse first. (who in e right mind rehearses sch song?)

cheering has never hold such a special meaning in my heart, that i will nvr cheer for another sch, nor have anything replace the memories that came with it.

we are united we shall nt be moved
we are united we shall nt be moved
like e tress that are planted by the waterside
we shall nt be moved...
steven offered me sleeping pills....

u noe wad, if i do eat them, i'll most probably die of overdosage of i'll be late for sch everyday...
with e exam stress & other irritating ppl hovering ard me & pissing e shit off me, i wld be very much tempted to consume the whole bottle of pills.
trust me, emotional ppl do everything in a moment of stupidity.
& with a bottle of sleeping pills in front me, it's e same as shoving a pen knife to me & telling me to kill myself.
i love being suicidal....

i think complaining/whining is a form of releasing stress. which is why i used to do it quite often unknowingly till my friend told me that i was making too much noise.
recently someone told me to shut up too....
i think i'm getting used to being a pest.... hur hur hur

i think i'm going to die frm car accident soon too.
i cross e road when i'm half asleep, or when i'm mentally blank... badddd gurl

my sis told me recently that her friends haf started naming themselves after body parts after their bio lesson, like penis, vulva, breast, vagina & blahx. so if u visit her tagboard, u'll most probably see a whole bunch of body parts talking. obscene *squints* i miss class camaradie....

i miss the screaming, the hysteria, the cheering, the laughter that we had, the fears that we shared....

& yes, ron is nt my bloody bf, i just brought him to a class gathering, tt's all... wad's e fuss?
If you believe you could face death, then surely you can face life.
-- William Kite, Glenwood, Iowa

My loss of you will be a minor thing,
unnoticing, the seasons yet will flow
continue waltzing proud with beauty
through the myriad months they know.
And still will seeds long since been sown,
give birth to buds of billowing spring
for your death remains unknown
to the waking sun and the April rain.
Your quiet passing will go unobserved
by the boisterous birds and bees of May,
and so will wide-eyed infant squirrels
clamber around through our backyard tree.
June will not cease, nor will July,
blithely unaware you don't exist.
Ambered autumn bows to winter's bride
as if nothing significant is amiss.
Oh, there will perish with your passing
little of beauty that is not your own,
only the grace of common flowers,
only the lilt of morning's song.

-- Submitted by Brenda Bruner

comments for that lousy piece of work? anybody? i love putting crap up here.... bleahx XD

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

if u don't know
don't comment...

if u don't understand
don't condemn....

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


The girl's name Danielle is pronounced dan-YELL.
it is of Hebrew and French origin, and its meaning is "God is my Judge."
Feminine variant of Daniel.

nice.... it used to be my fav christian name & i had initially wanted it to be my english name when "i entered society" & that kind of blah.
u noe like i've cousins who have christian names tt i didn't even noe of, like robert, terrance & all those weird names tt make u go o.O, until the day they get married & their christian name is printed all over invitation cards & stuff.... & u wonder why they just can't stick to their chinese names.... so difficult to rmb/pronounce meh? i mean isn't it more difficult to rmb with the tonnes of derricks & terrances ard? at least get a cool name like zoromihawk or smthing, rite?! *grins at chee*

i still like this name though, i don't noe why. it just looks & sound very classy & e only person i noe of who has this christian name is junjie XD haha.... god is my judge

u noe what, i'm still going to stick to yang simin. i wanted to change my name to yang min though.... but then cai si min jie will lose it's meaning.... & i wonder why everyone thinks my surname is cai because of the caisiminjie gmail acc.

i still like this name more....
hope.... it's just more simple to have hope in life then wish for anything else....
it case u're wondering, estel means hope in elvish. i've sworn to myself that i'll nvr ever get a christian / english name. so estelwen is strictly elvish, not eng! nah nah nay nah! getit?

a small cookie is nvr enuff for me!!

ME HUNGRY!!!!!!!!

snapshot of me & my dearie hui. she brought a camera today & started taking photos of anything that moves XD haha no lar, she just very zi lian den take pict of herself :P hor? :P

paiseh... i wonder when's e only time i'm normal too. *grins*
my sis commented on my gd complexion. it mean it's very difficult to get a gd comment out of her so this is gd! HOHOHO

tml, be prepared to witness the 8th horror of the world, nyjcians cheering is a sight to behold. with uncordinated moves, cheer leaders with a tendency to self high, shrill cries of ppl who dun noe how to cheer besides screaming, u can haf a whale of a time. which warrants for me nt wanting to, & will nt be there.
tickets to see nyjc cheer will be sold at -US$100. notice the negative sign? it means we're actually giving u money to watch nyjcians cheer!!! isn't that e best bargain u can ever get in singapore?! har har har?!

Thursday, May 11, 2006
oh yes. i forgot to add.there's so much angst in the air.i guess sg air is not fresh enough for inhalation. i suggest for the next general elections, the mps should promise the planting of more trees. then you would probably see this whole forest of angsana trees outside your window and you can occasionally shoot crows and have them for supper? haha. stop laughing. i know it's not funny.

whatever it is.
come on people. cheer up. smile up. you cant solve problems by being depressed.

it's like maths. you cant write a big fat 'depressed' word on your foolscp just because you cant solve maths problems. if we could do that, i dont think the bookshop would be making much money because nobody needs that many pens already.

& please. you are not buttons. you cant be pressed.. what more being depressed. dont be something you cannot be. hello buttons? what a lousy object. have high higher standards.. be a diamond? whoohoo. hard, sexy and they shine too after being cut.

It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again;
who knows great enthusiasms,the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while DARING GREATLY
so that his place shall never be with those timid souls
who know neither victory or defeat.

i forgot where i got that from.

but hey whoever that's reading this blog
keep on keeping on!!

take care X)

taken frm my sis's blog, w/o permission, all rights reserved, take the lefts.
my life has been reduced to the sad state of burning used tissues in the middle of the nite...
now the livin room stinks....

i have test test test.... i think my pen pal thinks tt i've most probably forgotten abt her already. sheesh... i better send her her bday prezzie on time.

we have this very big ambition of living for others...
but u noe e truth is that we nvr do, deep inside we just live for ourselves & ourselves only...
i'm srry i'm a cynic & a atheist, live with it babies! XD

smtimes i think my tuition teacher makes alot more sense even though his ideas come out all warped & wrong.

he lets his gf pay for e date because he feels tt by allowin his gf to contribute to e relationship, his gf will have a sense of committment & achievement... smthing along e line of being useful.
smhow after seeing my friend cry today & just giving her a hug, what he said just came to my mind.

let me describe a trend. i've observed tt ppl who have a tendency to rely on other ppl in sm areas of their lives *i wont specify what in case i get hacked to death by ppl who r attached* r usually attached. isit because by allowin themselves to b dependent on a guy, & allowing a guy to take care of her makes e guy feel macho & able to commit themselves into this relationship too?

i think this is warped, but smhow it's true. HURHURHUR

maybe the fact tt i've this mentality tt to be reliant on others is a sign a weakness, contributes to my stubborness. i refuse to listen or am very unwilling to listen to suggestions unless u give me a very gd reason why i shld do tt, or else i wldn't buy ur explanation. i live on reason, i live to seeing big pictures.

btw i came to this conclusion recently tt arts students who harp on life's philosophies are a stupid. because
1. u won't get any richer
2. u won't get any knowledgeble in the sense tt u won't pass ur gp on any subject unless u study philosphy
3. u tend to bore ppl off if e person has no interest in life's this & that

in fact i think i'm boring myself off.
i shld go burn more tissue papers.....


e things u'll nvr see me do in nyjc
1. cheer
2. date
(chances r minute if u wanna c me date a guy, if u're referring to a girl, i do it all e time)
3. attend all events dutifully
(ponning is always on my mind. i've given up on ny's leadership/mental skills trainin course, it makes me more unsure of myself then i already am )

anyway, have u ever realised tt nyjc has nvr announced results of teams who've lost? i mean c'mon, these ppl went all out for the sch, trained, worked very hard, come under intense competition pressure & if they lose they get nthing, nthing at all. nt even a sense of gratification frm e sch. i asked my fren if she'd noticed it. she was like, huh, announce for what, they lost what.

all they're training for is nt just personal glory alone, they represent the sch. they fought till e end even if it means losing. our skills may be lousy but they didn't chicken out, they participated in e competition all e same. what reason do we haf for nt cheering for them?

why can't we say thank u to them for working so hard. why can't we cheer them on & encourage them to work even harder for e nxt competition? why can't we give them a hero's welcome? we only lost in score, we didn't lose in spirit. the fact tt we tried deserves the sch's applause & cheering just as much as those who managed to get into the finals.

where's the spirit?

Monday, May 15, 2006


e S T E tile l W E N
u noe what, u're nt e type who look like u'll haf a bf...*hear my heart shatter into infinite pieces* faster get a bf den get married lar!

this was wad my sis told me on my cousin's wedding... she just wanted me to get married so she can get gd fd to eat....what a piggie... feeling completely devastated by her comment of me nt being able to get a bf, i showed her my yearbk & pointed to her e supposedly most gd looking guy in my batch.
she went berserk

she flipped frantically thru the pages of the yrbk, scanning every face in search of a better alternative....

after a few mins, she closed the book with a solemn look on her face

& said it's all right if i didn't get a bf now...


oh the horror of livin in a environment without cute guys to gush at, without eye candies to drool at, without potential bfs to flirt with. i tell u it's worse then living in a monestry. at least i get to gush at cute gurls kay o.o

i realised tt a prolonged period of being exposed to not cute looking guys make u bimbotic, stupid, desperate & pro lesbianism.

i've plans to watch over the hedge. my tuition teacher says it's nice. i saw e sneak peak. it was lame to the xtent of
but i just wanna watch it anyway. since my sis has been splurging on movies too...
ahhhhhh.... but i need to save money to buy earphones....


i did what i was supposed to do.
the least i cld do as a participant of this relationship was to give a decent explanation.
i've come to see who truly understands my mood swings.
at least this made me more sure of who i should be.

my stance towards relationships has always been weird
someone labelled it kanasai
the problem is it didn't really bother me much.
ppl call it fate, some call it affinity. i can't be bothered with what e hell it's called.
by chance we met
someone started the ball rolling.
i put my best into this relationship,
nvr forgetting to remind myself that friends come & go
that i shld always treasure the time that i have with them
but smtimes other priorities get in the way
but i still treasure this relationship all the same
i leave alot to chemistry
i do nt fret over factors that i cannot control
if we slowly drift apart,
no one can be blamed for the distance b/w us
i won't ask what went wrong
because even if i knew
they won't come back
and it wldn't work for other relationships too
so if we happen to meet again after we part
it's just be another cycle of affinity, chemistry, commitment, respect & then goodbye....

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Name 20 people you can think of. Don't read the questions below before you are done listing the names. Tag 5 people to do this survey.

1. faith (NYJC)
2. weilian
3. chee (NYJC)
4. jas aka echizen (NYJC)
5. julia (Cedar)
6. hsiang ling aka HL milk (NYJC)
7. hao gay aka gor
8. zhixin (NYJC)
9. miao (NYJC)
10. steven wang chung chi (NYJC)
11. jiasheng (NYJC)
12. eehui (NYJC)
13. mel mel aka mao mao (Cedar)
14. eunice ang
15. xiao ying (NYJC)
16. arthur (my porn tuition teacher)
17. lynn khoo (Cedar)
18. Lin Bai Yan (my cca teacher)
19. zhuang jing
20. junjie (Cedar)

How did you meet 14? (eunice)
in nyjc, i sticked to her & siying like glue for first 3 mths XD... i rmbered her as the girl with e very kawaii red & seductive lips

What would you do if you never met 1? (faith)
I'd most probably be flirting with other girls rite now? naw, maybe i'll nvr marry anyone else besides her *grins*

What would you do if 20 and 9 dated? (miao and junjie respectively)
possible... since junjie is pro lesbianism... HAHAHA.... as for what wld i do? *faints*

Did you ever like 19? (zhuang jing)
Yes. i was obsessed with her for like a good half a year.... srry i just love kawaii ppl hehehehe

Would 6 and 17 make a good couple? (Hsiang & lynn khoo)
nope... they're e opposites of a pole... one is a intovert, the other is just hyperly extroverted

Describe 3. (chee)
a schizophrenic potential murderer who loves cannibalism, bites anything she sees, has a lovely sense of sarcasm &amp;amp; humour, very intelligent & witty, independent & very very unique.

Do you think 8 is attractive? (
attractive in e irrational & very higly insane sense. i find her constant "high"ness & hysteria followed by screaming highly attractive in the literal sense :P

Tell me something about 7. (
hao gay aka gor)
he's a guy who's gay.... wait... he's a gay who's a guy... ehhhhh
smthing abt him... lame? white hair?
ok he's very cute & he's moi gor *beams proudly* ^_^

Do you know any of 12's family? (ee hui)
hmmm yar i guess so.... sort of :)

What's 8's favourite? (zhixin)
erm.... silk wedding with vanness?

What would you do if 11 confesses that he/she likes you? (jiasheng)
*takes a deep breath*

What language does 15 speak? (xiaoying)
english, chinese, baby talk, german

Who is 9 going out with? (miao)
ehhhhhhhhhhhh.... hao gay? i'm srry but i can't think of anyone else... XD

How old is 16 now? (arthur)
i don't know... 30 plus. with his active sex life, it keeps him virtually young & yellow

When was the last time you talked to 13? (melmel)
quite a while... few weeks ago? I MISS U MELISSA!!!! can we date smtime?

Who's 2 favourite band/singer? (weilian)
used to be ayumi. she's crazy abt tt jap singer, albums & albums plus posters, memorising lyrics... she can win the top ayumi fan award

Would you date 4? (Jas)
nope, she's dating ryoma so no one can replace her ryoma rite? :P *grins at jas*

Would you date 7? (hao gay)
ERHUM.... he has jieyu already XD

Is 15 single? (xiaoying)
think so....

What's 10's last name? (steven)
wad's last name? wang arh?

Would you ever be in a serious relationship with 11? (jiasheng)

What school does 3 go to? (chee)
nyjc lor

Where does 6 live? (Hsiang)
singapore, oh wait, she lives on the 3rd rock frm e sun

What's your favourite thing about 5? (julia)
everything. that's why we've been lovers for 12 years.

Have you seen 1 naked?
nope, but she's seen me changing in e library before

Tagged victims:
1) chee
2) weilian
3) me
4) me
5) me

paiseh... can't think of anyone else :)

Saturday, May 13, 2006

admist e relentlss chanting of some phrase that didn't make any sense at all to me, my cousin got married.
in case u're wondering, he's a pious SOKA follwer since young even though his parents doesn't have any religion.... it makes me wonder what makes him so devoted to this religion which is quite unknown to most ppl... in fact i only knew abt its existence frm my darling, only its existence, i didn't even know it was a branch of buddhism until when i was much older... haha...

i started staring (i'm srry i noe it's rude but i can't help it) at this lady, like she's frm outer space, who was chanting the prayer quite loudly & seemingly continuously without any pauses in between to breathe or smthing... i wanted to go up to her & tell her, "lady u're freakin me out, can u relax? "

i wondered what each & every person, who was reciting the sutra, was thinking. did they understand what they were saying? or was it just some gibberish that didn't make as much sense to them as much as it meant to me. what are they reciting for? why are they reciting?

in case u didn't know how they prayed, they shouted out their sutra... ok this sounds damn weird, but it's nt like in any other religion where u recite with understanding, or it's just a hush hush thing... it's kinda of noisy & with them repeating the same thing over & over again, u wonder when it's gonna end & even though u feel a sense of peace & calm initially, it get's kinda of confusing after a while... reminds me of the painting tt lian did last yr for a competition. apparently they sing out the sutra but it just sounded like shouting to me. my little niece who didn't really understand what was going on started shoutin with them too.... o.o

anyway, e fd was great & i spent the whole time blasting the music in my ears & enjoying the nice fd, ignoring the screaming kids in the backgrd & this aunty sitting on the same table as me discussing politics with her neighbour at the volume which is definitely louder than the volume of music that was blasting into my ears.... yeah, gd fd rocks. i love weddings~!


it's only human
to want to wallow in self pity once in a while
to whine abt how unfair the wrld is towards u
to cry abt how ppl don't keep their promises of being there for u
to feel abandoned & alone
to think of suicide once in a while

we tend to forget
that there are ppl who care
that being too reliant on someone emotionally makes u vulnerable & weak
that promises don't last
that eternity is nt forever

i've grown tired of giving promises to be there, because i know that even if i try, ppl will only whine that is nt enough, or maybe the truth is that i don't give enough... i'm tired of peeling off ppl's the thousand mask that ppl put on to see the true one inside them. now is really nt the time for such things... i can't even survive properly...

i'm having alot of bad dreams recently, i can't slp well & this is draining me out. i'm trying very hard to maintain social life & sch work. i find myself trying to camouflage into a crowd of ppl, whether i know them or nt to just relax... i cannot spare any other emotions because i just don't have any. i want to stuff myself with fd & hope that i'll die from overconsumption of food resulting in my internal organs exploding but that doesn't work. sighx.

i actually space out alot now.... reminds me of mel mel... *grins*

there comes a point of time in life (once in a while) when u just can't be bothered with the existence of anyone else besides urself. that u wonder just for what reason are u living for. that nothing matters..... nthing matters anymore.....

Thursday, May 11, 2006

i did this oscar crap.
and wanna noe wad i'm suited for?

town planner..........................



ok but i realised that i love the jobs that matched well with my interest as compared to jobs that match well with my abilities.
according to them, my abilities are inclined towards the technical stuff while my interest is inclined to the human interaction etc....

Monthly income (approximate) for a town planner: $2,500

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... i wan big bucks man, i need to travel round the world...

i walked home from sch today.... it's been a while since i last walked home frm sch... let's see, 1 yr plus? the only difference is that it took 10 mins last time, now it took 40mins. sighx...

test was horrible as usual.. i couldn't recall the points that i've memorised. fucking shit. i so hate my brain...

friday is coming!!!!!! ok i noe this is abit sua ku but who cares man. it's been like quite a while since i ate gd fd okayyyyyyy... can't blame me... i wanna eat marche too.. but the place has food made of gold... i can't afford it... maybe i shld negotiate with my mum, like since i save ur $110 by nt going fullerton, can i go marche and spend half of it instead? *evil grin* but then it makes no difference does it? or maybe i shldn't pay the 110 & follow my friend to fullerton, she eats the food, i'll stay in the toilet. does that arrangement work out? i mean the toilet there is nice! trust me, i would gladly have that as my bedroom as compared to my own bedroom XD i loveeeee fullerton toilets!!!!!

sometimes i wonder how much more lessons cld i have learnt from a sentence when i've come to a definite judegement & wish to analyze no more. i wonder if these same chunk of sentence wld mean a totally different thing altogether a few years frm there a limit to how many hidden msges a sentence can contain? or was it humans who created the hidden msges that weren't meant to be there in the first place?

why do people keep holding on to this belief that someday we will open up to a specific idea? doesn't all things have an end? what is wrong in believing in what is not the norm? because u don't understand? i wonder...

society is littered with mines...
if u didn't realise, bribery is one solid eg of a mine. ppl don't go around blatently to ask for bribe, u're expected to know what is expected of u to know. if u act blur, or if u aren't clever enough to sniff it out, u only get hurt by igniting it... i've witness bribery before. at that point of time i felt like slashing the guy who started extorting the money from us, i just felt that it wasn't fair that he should target us out of all ppl. but hey, since u're already targeted, live with it, learn how to get out of this shit, learn how to avoid it, learn to be street wise.

sometimes i think life is a computer game. like harvest moon. u give flowers, chocolates & wine to win somebody's fair heart, but once u stop doing what u're expected to do, ur complicated tangle of human relations starts to fall apart, people start avoiding u till u learn how to pick up these pieces from where u've left off and continue to establish them...

i guess the problem with freedom of speech is that we tend to nt be able to draw a line b/w freedom to express & what it is to respect...

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." --Albert Einstein

"Faith is a cop-out. It is intellectual bankruptcy. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be taken on its own merits."
-- Dan Barker Former evangelist, author, critic

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

William Arthur Ward

“A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths;
feels your fears but fortifies your faith;
sees your anxieties but frees your spirit;
recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.”

“We must be silent before we can listen.
We must listen before we can learn.
We must learn before we can prepare.
We must prepare before we can serve.
We must serve before we can lead.”

“Before you speak, listen.
Before you write, think.
Before you spend, earn.
Before you invest, investigate.
Before you criticize, wait.
Before you pray, forgive.
Before you quit, try.
Before you retire, save.
Before you die, give.”

“Leadership is based on inspiration, not domination; on cooperation, not intimidation.”

“Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.”

“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hate. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.”

“To bear defeat with dignity, to accept criticism with poise, to receive honors with humility -- these are marks of maturity and graciousness.”
u noe wad lep sucks....

ok i noe i shldn't be saying this...

URGH!!!!!!! why do i have to memorise shit when i don't even enjoy it? i can't even appreciate it for what it is. it is a whole fat chunk of chinese words that doesn't make any bloody hell sense...

ohhhhhhh and we had fire drill today
and wait, the most exciting part was, students who wanted to participate actively in the simulation are berated while those who take their time to stroll down the stairs are left the way they are...

USE UR BLOODY BRAINS NYJC! if a fire does happen, u're going to assume that everyone will calmly stroll down the stairs. and for christ sake this speed is slower than the speed we use to walk to our venue for lessons. it's a drill with no one taking it seriously, nt even the teachers. first their admin sucks, they are only concerned with vacating the building, we have no idea where the fire is, we don't know which staircase to avoid. and u assume a fire will happen in some i don't know where place and we can just use all staircases. if so why bother to vacate the building??!!! and teachers aren't even bothered to urge students to walk faster, causing a jam at a staircase while the other staircases are not even used at all.

and great, when we reach the assembly venue, teachers are all over the palce, some MIA, others standing in the shade looking extremely bored, while some take up the honarable role of shouting at students to have a sense of urgency. if teachers have none of the urgency, don't expect students to have a better attitude than the teachers. take a bloody good long look at urself before u start screaming at other ppl for their disorganised action. u wanna noe why they are so disorganised? because they have no sense of direction, they don't know what to do! they are just blindly following the crowd. it's the same for temperature taking, it's the same for this. it's really nt the student's fault when they can't find a role model to encourage them to be more happening, more enthusiastic in school events, more responsive to changes. look at the calibre of teachers we have. it's amazing.

the PA crew took so long to set up the system that in a real fire, we would all have died from excessive smoke inhalation. wld u even have bothered to set up e PA system when there is a fire? if there is no mic, how do u successfully carry out crowd control? it is a simulation, let me repeat, SIMULATION. it means that we are suppose to pretend that THERE IS A FIRE. the time we took to assemble is the time u can take to roast a chicken, not to mention, smoke a human alive. we have no idea how successful this simulation is, no evaluation, only some ass telling us to keep quiet, to be more organised. u wanna noe why we can't improve, it's because we never know where we've gone wrong, what can we work on, what were the details we missed out. this is how our lovely sch functions. to call us down to the field to give us a gd suntan, and then send us back to our classes.

thanks guys. u really made my day worth while.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


thanks for e belief in me babes but i need more than that... honest....

smtimes i wonder why i love playing with the unknown so much even though i'll most probably be hurt.

i've done the craziest things like eating all kinds of raw food, playing with speed, carrying a helium ballon at the age of 18, tying 2 pony tails and givin a class presentation with that hairstyle today during gp, walking around lost in the CBD area, refusing to take any mode of transport and insisting on walking till i see a bus i'm familiar with.

i honestly need to get a life instead of getting upset over details and behaving like the narrow minded govt towards the gomez issue.


the reason why the soceity cannot accept what is nt the norm is because they cannot understand. which is the reason why we often see marginalisation of races, ostracizing etc etc etc.


somehow this is part of me already, & even though i see my stubborn & selfish character as a bane of my life, it is also gives me the belief that i'm stronger than what i believe myself to be & that i will survive no matter what. that even though i'm frequently overwhelmed with emotions, easily consumed by darkness, i'll come out of it all, scars, bloodied, but stronger...

s.p.i.r.i.t - w.i.l.l

the fact that i'm alive & breathing & consciously aware of my environment gives me a reason to live. i believe in the human spirit, that when smthing goes wrong, we'll always find the courage to rise to resist the impossible and create miracles....


is the word i can use to describe my life now. test & exams are making me more tired of the world than i already am. teachers looking at students as result producers rather than a pupil itself. there's a difference in i believe that u can produce results and i believe in u.
as usual, i resist the temptation to whine abt how unfair the world is treating me today.
i owe ppl countless explanations, i owe my penpal letters, i owe myself a reflection....

i just want to move on & forget it all...

Monday, May 08, 2006


in life u don't get the best out of everything, in econs u call it opportunity cost, in life u call it sacrifice...

i've always lived with this belief that ur beliefs are what shapes u, therefore to let them go is to let urself go......

u noe what, i'm just stubborn & stupid & selfish...

Sunday, May 07, 2006



蜀道难 李白

somehow this system seems to be more corrupted than what we already see.... i'm just plain disgusted..... the media, the party everything in politics is just plain shit shit shit... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what's their problem? ignorant bunch of shitsheads... kanasaiii!!!!!!!

sianx ah.... why is the political secene just limited to hougang and potong pasir alone? hello ppl can u be more receptive???? do smthing!!! youth apathy doesn't come out of nthing...

Saturday, May 06, 2006

i am dead.... tired....
ok so it's literarily dead & literarily tired....

WP rally is great, & it's made even better when toh replaces 3 essay outlines with a reflections for rally. so now i can study my econs & hcl in peace...
the bad thing abt it was tt we were the target of harassement because we were wearing our sch uniforms. this guy scolded us for laughing & told us to go home & play, this xiao za bor (aka crazy woman aka CW aka correction work... o.o ok nvm lame) tried to go ard telling ppl how gd PAP is in a WP rally. u noe what, i just wanted to feed her with dung & tell her to shutup. however, i cldn't find dung so i simply stared at her & poor eunice & shanni had to deal with her all alone.....

oh right, btw, i've been trying to make a mental outline of a short note tt i was going to write for my friend but it turned out all wrong & scarstic, so u noe what, just forget it... i'll just stick to the conventional way.

i dont want ppl to get hurt... because we all know tt either way, both of us will either continue the way we are, or walk away from this relationship feeling more hurt than we already are. so when given a choice of a bad & a worse solution, which one would u choose?

this sucks shit.... nonsense rheotorical, fucking shit, homework, stress, blood, respect, betrayal, suicide.......

* fell asleep*

Thursday, May 04, 2006

don't take it to heart, ur friend may nt know u tt well to judge....

an advice given to me by my lover of 12 years....

haha... i feel so inspired suddenly...

i haven been slping well recently... even though i've tried to sleep at 11pm... i end up lagging very badly behind in homework & my test is tml...
the only thing that makes me look forward to nxt week is vesak day... rite... i'm a pious buddhist and i love vesak day... o.o
i need gd fd to cheer me up...

we live in a grey grey world....
because we all know of this unwritten rule...
some things cannot be spoken, u cannot live this world with the expectation ppl to tell u their likes & dislikes, their beliefs or their stand...
there is no clear definition, there is no clear line drawn to set boundaries for u to manoeuver in...
& with everything so unclear, what are u to do?
what can u depend on, to navigate through this grey world? to survive complicated human relations? to know what is accepted by the society & what is not?
ms tan kept reiterating the fact that society is a game, either we play by the rules & rise throught the ranks, or we try to create our own & fail.
i actually thought her mentality quite warped initially...

life requires constant trial & errors, we fall, we cry, but we must never ever forget to stand up again after all this commotion.... second chances are never given & we cannot expect it to be given. it is created by us alone. if ppl fail to forgive or understand what u've done, then let it be. u cannot please everyone, nor do u let others live ur life for u.

it's tiring to please everyone, to expect everyone to be the same after an incident. expectations tired u out. we forget that ppl learn & grow frm pain. we always want explainations for things that change, why aren't u the same anymore? why are u so cold towards me? these things just don't have answers... some choose to distance themselves frm u, some just prefer to leave it to rot....

what makes u so sure...
that what u think is right? question urself & e ppl around u... this is what makes us grow... be not afraid to make errors, for it is then when we can grow from it. leave nthing to chance, because even if it means a little bit of hope, even if it means that 1% of uncertainty may mean failure & despair, never give up the fight, cus this is when miracles are created, and this is when we create them....

never ever be too sure....

& right, i sooooooooo deserve to have an asthma attack...and hopefully i should die frm it too rite? fuck thank u ma'm for ur sarcasm concern.

I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

"Never Be The Same Again"MELANIE C

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

i cried when i talk to my mum....

it shows just how much i've been keeping inside...

yesh faith i'm jaded & cynical ah mah*grins*who wishes to advocate for the rights of the oppressed middle class who face the possibility of being jobless everyday, are badly hit by the economic crisis of 1997 and have a family with 3 children to support with a elderly who needs decent medical care desperately. these people need financial help from the govt but are not given any form of aid but instead faces increasing burdens frm rising electricity bills, medical fees, and other stupid government policies that are just implemented to the advantage of the rich....

damn i'm so tired
i think the happiest and most painful dream that i had... was to dream that i've returned & am allowed to live in a specific period of the past, only to wake up to find that it was simply a dream.... nothing more....
this is where all this ends.... i know u no more...

GE is coming, and it doesn't help when u have a teacher trying to arouse ur interest by being a parrot of PAP's party policies....

one thing we always fail to notice...
isit the PAP against the opposition or isit the government against the opposition?
u speak as if the government funds is ur party's funds, targetting the materialistic side of people, upgrade upgrade upgrade my ass. my block has lifts frm the 17th century. u wanna try to upgrade it instead of just having tiles paved on every lift lobby? does that make the lift faster? i can wait for 5 - 8 mins for the bloody lift. u can kiss my ass if u think colourful floor tiles make the wait for the bloody lift more enjoyable. & the great thing is u closed down our community centre and built a stupid no brainer open aired basketball court for some youths to use... i stress. SOME... not all... i'll kick ur shin if i state out all of e rubbish things u've contributed to my area. u cut down trees, built more condo like houses for ur lovely army of dogs.... congrats, u've managed to piss me off by making my area hotter, dustier & noiser with them celebrating their god damned it dun noe wad festivals screaming & shouting like nobody's business late into the night.

if that bloody asshole talks anything more abt GE, i swear i'll start throwing durians at him.

god i hate life sized parrots.... they piss the hell out of me.

did i tell u that there was this minister who learnt how to bark like a dog in a competition i went to in secondary school? i can tell u that he has the skills of learning how to bark like a dog, but he is just a terrible speaker when trying to speak his mother tongue... so he's e pride of the dog species but a shame to the chinese population.

dad says he's going to bring me to WP's rally on fri cus the last day of the rally are always the best! HOHOHO! so no dates on fri.... i love WP more than anything else in the world...

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment that you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
Christianity. Matthew 7.1-5

Happy is the person who finds fault with himself instead of finding fault with others.
Islam. Hadith

Confucius said, "The gentleman calls attention to the good points in others; he does not call attention to their defects. The small man does just the reverse of this."
Confucianism. Analects 12.16

Do not judge thy comrade until thou hast stood in his place.
Judaism. Mishnah, Abot 2.5

Early in the morning [Jesus] came again to the temple; all the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such. What do you say about her?" This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the eldest, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus looked up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again."
Christianity. John 8.2-11