Saturday, May 13, 2006
admist e relentlss chanting of some phrase that didn't make any sense at all to me, my cousin got married.
in case u're wondering, he's a pious SOKA follwer since young even though his parents doesn't have any religion.... it makes me wonder what makes him so devoted to this religion which is quite unknown to most ppl... in fact i only knew abt its existence frm my darling, only its existence, i didn't even know it was a branch of buddhism until when i was much older... haha...
i started staring (i'm srry i noe it's rude but i can't help it) at this lady, like she's frm outer space, who was chanting the prayer quite loudly & seemingly continuously without any pauses in between to breathe or smthing... i wanted to go up to her & tell her, "lady u're freakin me out, can u relax? "
i wondered what each & every person, who was reciting the sutra, was thinking. did they understand what they were saying? or was it just some gibberish that didn't make as much sense to them as much as it meant to me. what are they reciting for? why are they reciting?
in case u didn't know how they prayed, they shouted out their sutra... ok this sounds damn weird, but it's nt like in any other religion where u recite with understanding, or it's just a hush hush thing... it's kinda of noisy & with them repeating the same thing over & over again, u wonder when it's gonna end & even though u feel a sense of peace & calm initially, it get's kinda of confusing after a while... reminds me of the painting tt lian did last yr for a competition. apparently they sing out the sutra but it just sounded like shouting to me. my little niece who didn't really understand what was going on started shoutin with them too.... o.o
anyway, e fd was great & i spent the whole time blasting the music in my ears & enjoying the nice fd, ignoring the screaming kids in the backgrd & this aunty sitting on the same table as me discussing politics with her neighbour at the volume which is definitely louder than the volume of music that was blasting into my ears.... yeah, gd fd rocks. i love weddings~!
it's only human
to want to wallow in self pity once in a while
to whine abt how unfair the wrld is towards u
to cry abt how ppl don't keep their promises of being there for u
to feel abandoned & alone
to think of suicide once in a while
we tend to forget
that there are ppl who care
that being too reliant on someone emotionally makes u vulnerable & weak
that promises don't last
that eternity is nt forever
i've grown tired of giving promises to be there, because i know that even if i try, ppl will only whine that is nt enough, or maybe the truth is that i don't give enough... i'm tired of peeling off ppl's the thousand mask that ppl put on to see the true one inside them. now is really nt the time for such things... i can't even survive properly...
i'm having alot of bad dreams recently, i can't slp well & this is draining me out. i'm trying very hard to maintain social life & sch work. i find myself trying to camouflage into a crowd of ppl, whether i know them or nt to just relax... i cannot spare any other emotions because i just don't have any. i want to stuff myself with fd & hope that i'll die from overconsumption of food resulting in my internal organs exploding but that doesn't work. sighx.
i actually space out alot now.... reminds me of mel mel... *grins*
there comes a point of time in life (once in a while) when u just can't be bothered with the existence of anyone else besides urself. that u wonder just for what reason are u living for. that nothing matters..... nthing matters anymore.....