Saturday, April 09, 2005

wandering... i feel so lonely

mood: lonely

sometimes we love to be so positive that we neglect what is a fact & what is a myth. sometimes, we think we maybe the brainest person in the whole school but in reality, what we know is so not enough to get us through all these...
i thought naively for a while that i had gotten used to the school & her people but today, reality has proven me wrong... i'm not gaining anything, but i'm losing alot of things, like my skills to socialise & the zest/zeal or whatever motivation that propelled me forward in the past had seem to left me.. i feel dead, lifeless... i can't connect with scholars as much as i wish to & as well as i did in the past. i can't connect with the people around me because i have sudden spams to leave crowds & find solace in solitude. i feel unreal, i feel as if ever since i've entered this jc, i'm acting a play that is boring & never ending.
to think i actually thought i was happy... i was... for the first 3 months before bai yun gang... after that, everything just went downhill.
rumours of schmates sloshing eat others guts out just to leave a gd impression on the seniors & get elected as the next president or what ever committee position hangs in the air. like the stench of the rotting dead that just will not disperse in this stagnant air. i had actually wanted to run for all this kind of leadership stuff, but my mental capacity is failing me. i hate myself for being weak..
my sis has friends who slit themselves as well. it seems like they enjoy it... kinda of morbid i guess... everyone faces different difficulties in life. why don't i dare to dream? what in the world am i really afraid of? i seem not to know myself too well.. like the soul & the body being detached..
我非常希望,自己能有勇气面对自己,面对观众,面对现实。我很期待,那还没到来的一天,我能站在镜子面前,对自己说,我对生活很满足...我...很快乐! 现在身体都快逞不住了.很郁闷.快跨了...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

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