a part of me so desperately wanted to believe in what u said despite all that has happened & crushed my faith
a part of me just dismisses this as completely naive, unscientific, narrow mindedness & unbelievable.

now the channel of communication is closed. i guess there can always be other ways to seek out what i truly looked for without experiencing all this trauma again..
or maybe even better, i think i've already found what i'm looking for.
maybe the answers came abit too easily, that i wonder if that is the true answer i'm looking for
but looking back at all the tears, immense pressure & things that i've sacrificed, i don't think this answers came easily to me at all.

it's actually kind of sad but till now because of this new mentality, i'm looking at some ppl's blog with a kind of disbelief & even feel a little bit of pity. maybe this is what's bothering me now
that this feeling of truimp & pity is so so wrong. because i'm starting to be like them, the people i hate. i'm starting to shut myself from all possibilities, & i'm starting to be blind to the others as well.

somehow when i kept saying to myself tt all these didn't matter, maybe my heart had told me otherwise. maybe it's because this is the first time i've been hurt so deep & so bad, that i've just becoming extra sensitive or just withdrawing frm even the simplest possibility.

there's a first time to everything, and maybe it is always the first times that is the most unexpected that u feel the most. because u are caught unaware, at ur most vulnerable...

maybe we just don't want to be hurt again.