因为有相聚，才有分离，
因为离别，才会有回忆
因为没有永恒，所以才珍惜
i think it was after i experienced my first big farewell in sec 4 did i know that eternity is not forever...
i realised recently tt i don't really have any post activity blues... even after the YVIP camp.. i didn't even feel a tinge of sadness, that this thing is going to end, that i shouldn't have done this or tt to piss my TF off, that i didn't manage to get a few more packets of packed lunch to make e money paid for this camp more worth it...
i felt N.O.T.H.I.N.G
it was as if a dream... a 4 days 3 nights dream where i became a blood bank for the mosquitoes infesting the corner of the classroom when i was slping dere @ night.
yet i hear ppl gushing about how well their trips went, what they did, who they bonded with blah blah blah... with msn nicks saying i'm missing this already, or declaring their undying love for the country they visited...
O.S.T.R.A.C.I.S.E.D.
this became my first entry not written in blogger @ 2am in the morning in the corner of the classroom while the others were sound asleep... that was the first day of my camp, where i felt really really depressed by something... the feeling of being ostracised by ur own friends just hurt too much... maybe i justed wanted badly to belong somewhere in a foreign situation, & was rejected right in the face by people who are my friends... i didn't understand this feelings... jealousy? distress? depressed? anger? miscommunication?
whispers... whispers & hidden singals that was just screaming @ me to back off... to just get out of their sight... that i didn't belong...
it just hurts to be alone at that point of time...
i found solace in the stairs next to nanyang's track... to stare at the stars & wonder about everything... to marvel @ the universe in comparison to ur tiny self... i just wished i could disappear....
why do you miss the trips so much? because there are regrets? becuase living in fantasy was better than living in reality? because what? why do u have to exclude ppl who didn't live in the same fantasy as u? do u hate us so much? what did we do to nt qualify to be part of ur "post" fantasy? because we remind u of reality? WHAT? just exactly WHAT?
i feel stupid writing "friends forever" cus i know it is just a damn bloody illusion & self assurance to u & ur friend tt things will last... "forever" is just stupid...
& yes i know i suck cus i "misunderstood" ppl.. i know that she's actually very nice to u & that i shld just go to fucking hell cus i hated her... i am SOO SOO SORRY... i'm going to harp on this.. to remind myself of what friendship meant to u & me... call me oversensitive or childish or wadever crap... there's a reason for me hating ppl... i saw rite thru them & their hypocritical shit... i saw them ostracise ppl so as to fight for power. the dirty tactics used to gain favour... the smirk behind that sweet smile... this is the big picture i saw... these were the shit that i had to bear with before i gave up trying being friendly to them... Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:43)
i am such a emotional wreck...
apologies btw are nt accepted for my grp mate... i believe in actions speaking louder than words... do smthing abt urself and dun apologise & giving promises which are in doubt... my letter of complaint to the SC in the forum meanwhile has been happily collecting cobwebs...

i see right through u... i see a picture of ugliness, a picture painted with hypocracy & deceptions... i see doubts & fears... i see... but i can't seem to see what i am searching for..

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come