" why are your nick names are so sentimental one...."

that was the first thing my senior said to me after hmm... nt talking to me for a year... haha... oh well...

am i sentimental?

is being sentimental wrong?

maybe it's just my way of releasing stress... i cannot breakdown... it is more tiring than anything else... reflection makes me more aware of myself... my weaknesses & strengths...

i guess it's like "self appraisal" to reflect on everything that u've done for the day... everything u've said & done... i know it's tiring.... but i guess it's the path i've choosen to take to make myself a better person... to relieve myself of guilt & constant self berating... i realised that living in a mentality of self blame makes one pessimistic & overly dependent on others for a confirmation... for a definition... that u need a confirmation from those around u... u need praise, u cannot withstand any blows or major changes in ur life because u'll lose the people who define u...
to put it simply... u. l.o.s.e. u.r.s.e.l.f. & everything that comes with it... ur faith, trust etc...

or maybe it's because of my personality....
a facade.... as i always put it... a mask that i always wear...
insane, high, self absorbed, authustic, no image gurl... whatever u see... maybe it's what i want you to see.... or maybe it's what i want to tell you... that i am not what u see... the problem is... i don't know... sometimes i think i am who i am... sometimes i think i'm not who i believe myself to be...

failures... tears... pain... these are the things we all fear & avoid most...

i love to be high, to "flirt", to scream & shout like nobody's business... to think that i have bipolar tendencies... this is the me that i know... that i present to everyone though i hate it alot.. isn't it ironic? i hate being high, i hate being referred as that insane no image crazy girl but what can i do? it is what i am... it is how i naturally behave in front of people... it is how i hide things i don't wish them to see... AND I HATE IT... *and i'm so hysterical suddenly....*
self pity....

what's wrong with my sentimental nick? cus it doesn't fit the image u've seen me present to u when u interact with me? or isit something i yearn for? sentimental nicks to seek the attention that i need... and i don't wanna care...

i'm just overly paranoid.... that i fear & dread every second cus i'm afraid that something might just happen the nxt min & we won't be friends anymore... or that i've hurt u, or i've left a damn bad impression on u causing irreversible damage.... how dumb can i get... what picture is there for me to see...

is that me... what u see.... what i see...

i want to be the wind... carefree... resilient & so sure of itself... nothing can cut the wind... nothing can stop it... this is who i want to be... the wind...