以长久的痛苦换来那一时的快乐，值得吗？最终的你，是否还会感到真正的快乐呢？

it's ironic how hard we search for true happiness when it's just right beside us, all this while, all this time...

they always say that it's e simplest things are the most difficult tasks to complete.... it holds true for us when we write essays.... it holds true for us when we live our lifes too...

friends are easily make, and is also the companioship that is most frequently & easily forgotten & lost.... sincerity counts alot but along the way, there are fears, temptations, paranoia and before u realise it, the one who promised to be beside u is gone...

u laugh & scorn at how fragile human relationships are, unable to withstand all these obstacles despite promises made... u realise how empty promises r, & slowly become increasingly unwilling to give promises for fear of breakin them & cause urself going through e torturous cycle of anger, disappointment & self blame

last year was the time where i came into contact many things new, when i tried to accomodate & learn... it was then when i realised tt somethings didn't need answers while others needed a clearer definition for me to move on... i've never regretted what i've done, even e stupid ones tt made ppl angry or disappointed with me... i've apologised & i've moved on... i've learnt the lessons & consequences of wandering into areas foreign to me....

friends have always been an irreplaceable part of my life, and most of the time, i feel tt i've live for them rather then for myself... these r e ppl alwys on my mind & these r e ppl whom i can't thank enough... it just tt whenever i try to express my gratitude, what i initially wanted to say always gets lost or twisted by my insanity & u end up nt knowing or nt aware of how thankful i am to have u around...

~~~~
yest was meet e parents...
mr toh (yes yes faith dun smile to urself & start fantasizing abt him) claims i'm eccentric... to quote him, he says i'm a 好动儿(or smthing along tt line...), if u wanna noe why, it's because i always insane during his class, & even more insane when we're using the classroom with thoese chairs with wheels...
let's see...throughout his lesson, i'll usually....
1. roll to the window, then roll to the door, & then back to e window again,
or
2. spin around e chair & make funny noises like i'm autistic or smthing.
then
3. start flirting with steven & clement & make everyone else in e class squirm
or
4. start screaming/howling (together with hui *grins*) when he calls someone up to present their essay outline or smthing....

so yar, it's nt difficult to imgaine rite? since i'm like tt all e time...
1st reason: it's to keep me awake
2nd reason: he makes me sleep so i just haf to entertain myself through other methods
3rd reason: he doesn't care so i don't bother too...

my ct on e other hand said tt i'm quiet & a perfectionist (true... but it's only after i told her frm e mslo sessions last time so it ain't her observation anyway) as for e quiet, my reaction is HA!
i mean who's quiet? nt me definitely, so either she has a warped observation of me or i'm just schizoprenic... anyway, my parents wonder if i'm schizo too... who cares, that's just me anyway...

~~~~
the suddenly realisation that under that many layers of facade & insanity & "bipolar"ism is just a person who wishes to accept and be accepted in return, to stand out & be recognized, to understand & be understood, to love & be loved....

ur observation abt me was smthing tt i'd wished u to see & wished for u nt to see...
c.o.n.t.r.a.d.i.c.t.o.r.y.
but smhow when i tried to explain tt what u saw was a result of me trying to cover up smthing else, i found tt i couldn't & didn't know how to begin...

happy? cus u saw what i wanted to show u & i've managed to hide it from u?
depressed? cus u cldn't see through what was superficial?

& there was this voice sounding at e back of my head 被误会的感觉...好受吗？