OMG FUCK U what's wrong with james gomez?
WHAT'S THE DAMN BLOODY FUSS ALL ABOUT???!! HUH U TELL ME U TELL ME!?
IT'S SO IRRITATING TO JUST SEE ONE ASSHOLE POLITICAL PARTY USE LAW SO BLATENTLY TO THEIR ADVANTAGE & ACT AS IF ITS SO FAIR... I HATE PPL WHO JUST GO ARD THREATENING THEM WITH TONS OF RULE & REGULATION & THEN WITH THEM BREAKING THEM LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS!!!!!!!
DEMOCRACY IS NT A CHILD'S PLAY, IF U JUST WANNA GO ARD HARPING ON NONSENSICAL DETAILS PLS KINDLY DROWN IN DUNG.. WAIT, JUST EAT DUNG & DIE....
FUCK U....

FUCK U FUCK U FUCK U!

james gomez causes a commotion with him nt handing in some declaration form, steve chia took screwed photos of himself & his maid....
& what's e common thing abt them? no nt that they're both guys, but they graduated frm nyjc...

i have a mini aquarium in my house, 4 fishes, 2 prawns that keep attacking the fishes...

~i will nt deny nor do i confirm.... that my heart was dead long before i met u...

my modem is so screwed tt i haf to put e modem wire in the fridge to cool it before it can connect online....

流水帐....

昨天到了莱初去看他们的“翠谷”，还挺不错的，演员的素质比去年的好很多，只是那剧情有点拖泥带水，还真让人想睡觉。在那还碰见了WL呢....
going out with jj is always great though most i'm e time i act bimbotic with them like always whining that i dun haf a bf or i wld pretend to gush abt any guys on e rd (even those ah peks..) to piss them off...haha... oh haha & she gave me earrings too... but 1 thing i didn't understand was that she gave me 3 earrings... as in nt 3 pairs... just 3.. haha... dun ask me why... XD
ohh... & tt lynn was there too... haha... i heard someone calling lynn & then there was this familiar voice sounding quite a distance away.... cedar's girls are so fine tuned to cheering that we even apply it to talking... hurhurhur...
synergy is today.... wanted to go actually but don't think my mum would allow... i haven even told her abt njc & vjc CLDDS drama nite.... she's so going to kill me when e time comes...

sometimes... i just wish i could live w/o u hovering ard in my life....

HL milk's bday is coming....

maybe i shld just look like life more differently.... i need to move forward despite all this....

re·li·gion

1. 1. Belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator and governor of the universe.
   2. A personal or institutionalized system grounded in such belief and worship.
2. The life or condition of a person in a religious order.
3. A set of beliefs, values, and practices based on the teachings of a spiritual leader.
4. A cause, principle, or activity pursued with zeal or conscientious devotion.

the world is made up of definitions, & it is also because of definitions that we are able to discuss abt smthing w.o having to first state our stand like what we always do in gp essays.
yet when some definitions become too broad or diverse, people tend to disagree... because of different beliefs, different mentalities... and the list goes on...

i've been trying to look for answers recently, & ended up getting more confused then ever... what is right or wrong? which path should i take after i've made a decision, or after a certain crisis strikes... these things are always on my mind....

maybe i just needed to get my definitions straight....

if u ask me, my reason for not giving a clear stand is a result of various considerations & undeniably a accumulation of factors....

we define our lives by the way we react to our surroundings.... to put it simply, life is what we make of it....
so much so that when a different definition is brought up by another we would want to understand why he/she has come to that conclusion because by doing so, we can then understand & accept their mentality & thus have a clearer picture of who they are...

a definition is a accumulation of past experiences, it changes with time but it also contributes to how we look at life.... in other words, u actually call these definitions ur views, ur moral values, ur beliefs.....

so when we actually apply this definitions to life, we can actually see it in action frm the way we make friends too... u don't expect me nor any anti bimbos to actually be acquainted with one, because the common topic is just not there... how can u even maintain a conversation with one talking abt cosmetics & gushing abt cute guys while the other wishes to talk abt her views on how interesting life can be... if things don't match, then they just don't, it doesn't work out.... it just apply to all aspects of life, from chemistry to just basic human relationships...

so it's nt really tt complicated after all....

What is Atheism Really All About? (1996)

Richard Carrier

---

"He who decides a case without hearing the other side,
even if he decides justly, cannot be considered just" -- Seneca

---

What is an Atheist?

An atheist is a person who does not believe that any gods exist.

Why don't you believe in God?

There is simply no more evidence for Jehovah than there is for Zeus. Christians find no reason to believe that Zeus exists, so they do not believe in him. For the same reason, I do not believe in Jehova. God himself is more than welcome to share an honest conversation with me. Until he does, I have no reason to trust that anyone is a reliable spokesman for any god.

Don't you want to go to heaven?

I do not believe there is a heaven. But even if a real heaven did exist, and for some reason a god chose who went and who didn't, if that god is a good and noble being he will judge me for my value as a human being, and not for my belief in him.

How can you turn your back on true happiness?

I cannot imagine being happier than I have been already. I live a very spiritual, fulfilling life, and am filled with an abiding love of being and thinking. I find love, reason and a practical, humble approach to life to be more than enough for me.

How can you trust sinful humans, ignoring all the good god does?

It offends me that an invisible god is given credit for every good thing that happens in the world, while every evil is blamed on humanity. There is much evil in the world that is not the fault of human beings, such as ignorance and disease and droughts, and most of the things that are good are entirely the product of human love, effort or genius, such as friendship and vaccines and even irrigation pipes.

Not all human beings are evil. We all possess great potential for good. Yet a god could do so much good in the world that is not being done, such as warning innocent children when to stay away from danger, or preventing too many people from being born, or turning all the weapons in the world into flowers. Surely a loving god would do these things, and more, just as any wise and compassionate human being would if they had the means.

And so, when a doctor saves someone's life, we truly owe our thanks to the doctor, and the society that made her education possible. It is insulting to both when a god is thanked for something that he could have done himself but didn't. If a loving god really existed, we would not need doctors in the first place.

If there is no god, then where do you think the universe came from?

I do not even know if the universe had a beginning, much less what may have started it. No one knows. Inventing a god to do the creating only leaves open the question of where that god came from.

So why be moral?

I dislike the kind of people who hurt me or lie to me or who are insincere or inconsiderate. Thus, if I were to be like such people, I could not escape disliking myself. I could never do something that would make me the sort of person I hate, because I could never be truly happy if I hated myself, no matter how hard I tried to rationalize what I have done. But this also means that to truly like myself, and thus to be truly happy, I must be the sort of person I really like, and I like people who are honest and principled and who care about others. So I strive to be like the sort of person I see to be good. I have also found that virtue earns stronger and fonder friendships, and secures the trust of my neighbors, and both of these things are essential to living a good, full life.

What do you think happens when you die?

I see that the brain is what gives me existence, and I depend on its health for my ability to think and survive. When the brain dies, I die, and when the brain ceases to exist, so do I. I do not find this to be sad. We all enjoy everything we experience, even when it doesn't last. I love life deeply, and as death would end my experience of living and loving I do not want to die. But I do not fear death, because there is no reason to fear the end of fear itself.

What about all the people who experience god?

There are people in the world who experience the essence of Buddha, who remember past lives, who truly feel the power of ritual magic in their lives, or who walk with the spirits of their ancestors. There are so many different experiences I do not think it is wise to arbitrarily assume that any one of them is truer than another.

I have looked all over the world, and I see Buddhists are mostly in Asia, Hindus mostly in India, Muslims mostly in the Middle East, and Christians mostly in the West. The idea of god, and all the assumptions of our respective religions, are taught to us as children. That Americans are mostly Christian is more likely the result of Christianity being taught there, and not the result of that religion actually being true or superior to any other.

Haven't Christian values done much good in the world?

I know that people have done much good in the world, whether they were Christians like Martin Luther King Jr., or Hindus like Gandhi, or atheists like Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Honesty and compassion are good values anywhere. They are not unique to Christianity.

So what do you believe in?

I believe in many things. I believe in the potential of humanity, in the power of reason, in the comfort of love, and in the value of truth. I also believe in the beauty and joy of human experience, and the nearly unlimited power of the human will to endure almost any hardship or solve almost any problem.

I believe that faith can mislead people into falsehood, and that we need reason and doubt as necessary checks against our capacity for error. I believe that we need to allow our fellow human beings to make choices for themselves and to live the life they wish to, in mutual peace and goodwill.

I believe that political negotiation and compromise -- fuelled by an honest measure of respect for different opinions, beliefs and lifestyles -- is the only way the world will find universal peace and goodwill, and that using the scientific method is the only way the world can arrive at an agreement on the truth about anything.

I believe that it is better to preach the gospel of "be good to your fellow man, and love each other as life itself," than to preach the gospel of "believe in our religion or be damned." For it is better to be good to each other and to build on what we all agree to be true, than to insist that we all think alike.

---

Copyright 1996. Copying is freely permitted, provided credit is given to the author. No material herein may be sold for profit.

it's nt tt..

it's nt tt i'm angry, sad, betrayed or whatever u wish to call it...
i've simply given up on harping things tt waste my energy & is nt conducive to my mental state of health...
i'm swear... i feel nthing at all, in fact i dun even wish to think abt it.... nt like it doesn't hurt but who cares... so what is the REAL TRUTH? does it even bother me? sure it affects some realationships but the problem is i refuse to & can't be bothered...
the point here is simply : I CAN'T BE BOTHERED...

dun get me wrong... this still means alot to me.... maybe i'm just choosing to run away as usual... but i guess the most basic thing is i don't really know how to react.... i don't know what to say... & i'm just doing all this things subconciously until my dear friend scribbled furiously on the paper to remind of it... i swear.... i swear i really don't know & i don't mean to....

i don't know whether this is right or wrong... i need to find my aunt agony...

anyway, we've created a new religion during GP...

it's called

mintology

(in case u're wondering who e min refers to... it refers to e min da ren of da chang jin... )
some background info of mintology
it was created with e interest of all NS guys in mind... since min da ren is a high ranking official who does good for e ppl, we've decided that if guys pray to this diety, they will be blessed with a gd life in NS plus a high chance of striking rich in e official world....
not forgetting the poor gfs of these NS guys who will be w.o their bfs for 2 years, gfs can also pray to min da ren for their bfs...

the religious prayer wld be: ONARA (yeah... u guys shld know this song, with its distinctive korean music & lyrics)

offerings that wld please min da ren
for guys:
beard shavings... as u know, min da ren needs to maintain his very nice goatee so u guys gotta contribute smthing tt e girls dun haf... so for guys who don't have goatees or beards, too bad... go buy it or smthing...

for gfs:
kimchi offering wld be good.... min da ren is nt picky but he loves kimchi made with changjin's love so u gotta haf that skill... go watch da chang jin to learn or smthing... but yar... kimchi offerings u get me?


sooo.... prayyyyyyyy to meeeeee.....

交接

当时抱着晓莹的时候，眼眶突然间湿了，第一个反应是 :"妈的，我竟然哭了..."
无语吧...别打我，我那时候也差点要撞墙了....

快累垮了，今天又有分享会，又有交接联谊。不行了不行了。我的功课还没搞好呢，如果我告诉我中学华文老师我的华文考试靠得了F的话，她准把我的皮剥了，然后再我丢进油锅里。

最近的测验都没考好，老是睡不好，要不睡着了就一直做一些很古怪的梦，把我气死了。

总算交接了，我这次测验一定要考好，要不我就太对不起自己了....

不嚷了，我去睡觉，忘了说，今天领养了一个宠物，向大家介绍我的宠物诗明！活泼可爱，也特会说话，一天到晚就一直在那儿发疯，说要把自己的照片用白纸盖住，又说自己不上镜。这小孩还真可爱，感觉上是爱不释手.... hehehe...

己亥雜詩-第五首

浩蕩離愁白日斜，
吟鞭東指即天涯，
落紅不是無情物，
化作春泥更護花。

思....
留下的只是遗憾和伤感
我不想在尝试去遗忘，
也不愿意在做任何的比较
我累了，但我却不能停下来歇息

时时刻刻提醒着自己
我现在拥有的其实不少，
就因为有了贪念，
差一点把自己贬到十八层地狱去了....

ironically, materialism seems to based on things that are just not there.... and simple alphabets tt we learn frm nursery rhymes could determine our future...
just how solid is this foundation on which we build our future? how long can it sustain?
knowledge is nt just about regurgitating facts, or like what tcp said, vomitting out what we're memorised...
how much of this knowledge can we put into practice? how much of those stuff can we use & benefit mankind? how much of these can be used to self improvement? to let us be more aware of what is right and wrong, of what is true or false?

we are increasingly becoming distorted, our health, our knowledge abt life... & then suddenly when u realise that all this was built on nothing more than just e intangible, u are even quicker to fling urself to something which u perceive to be more real, something that happens to be a fad...

just what is the truth or absolute truth? so what if that was, what if that isn't? how has it improved ur life? how has it improved mine? we all pursue different things, we all have different dreams, it just some happens that some of them wandered into ur path, it doesn't mean that they have plans to take e same paths as u have trod on even though u may have shared similar past experiences....

we just live each day while we can, & plan for the future....
we meet people who lie, people who're lost, people... just people made the way they are, people who may or may not change....
happiness is tangible.... because only ur heart knows it, because u can see it from e smile....
happiness cannot be defined, it can only be felt...
some are contented with dellusional happiness, others want it to be real....

i live for the future, because the present like the past slows us down, because the present makes us complacent with what we have, we'll loose the urge to seek for the betterment of ourselves...

i live for the tangible, because i know that e future is defined by ourselves... even if a little bit of every other thing not within our control may just divert us from our course.... the future is tangible...

i live for the tangible.... i live to see u smile....

cyn·ic (snk)
n.

1. A person who believes all people are motivated by selfishness.
2. A person whose outlook is scornfully and often habitually negative.
3. Cynic A member of a sect of ancient Greek philosophers who believed virtue to be the only good and self-control to be the only means of achieving virtue.

Word History: A cynic may be pardoned for thinking that this is a dog's life. The Greek word kunikos, from which cynic comes, was originally an adjective meaning “doglike,” from kun, “dog.” The word was probably applied to the Cynic philosophers because of the nickname kun given to Diogenes of Sinope, the prototypical Cynic. He is reported to have been seen barking in public, urinating on the leg of a table, and masturbating on the street. The first use of the word recorded in English, in a work published from 1547 to 1564, is in the plural for members of this philosophical sect. In 1596 we find the first instance of cynic meaning “faultfinder,” a sense that was to develop into our modern sense. The meaning “faultfinder” came naturally from the behavior of countless Cynics who in their pursuit of virtue pointed out the flaws in others. Such faultfinding could lead quite naturally to the belief associated with cynics of today that selfishness determines human behavior.

i've been watching so much da chang jin that i can now basicaly distingiush b/w japanese & korean...
btw chee my shaman king is still in sch! hahaha.... i keep forgetting to take it back... damn

i just received a sms frm a woman with a big mole telling me she'll be back tml... and it's during all my breaks too... damn u.... i feel so excited!!

i feel sad all of a sudden... damn this emotions...
bimbotic updates...
my brother bought fish frm ms yap's farm... nt sure what type of spieces it is but he keels calling them hong li li, lan li li etc so it's a lili fish? wadever...
& i lost e backrow identity!!! sadddddddddddddddddd

PAP can go & die...

and she has no damn bloody idea what is going on...

picture of summer palace in winter...

have u seen anything more beautiful than this?

this is where i wanna be...

to me:

i've a very very strong gut feeling that u will fall again....
u haf nt learnt frm u lesson....
u still want to go back don't u....
u still want to bled don't u...
u still want to cry don't u....
u still want to lie don't u....

u cannot forgive, & u cannot be bothered... that i will nt force unto u...

u haf forgetten what u first set out to do in life
u haf forgetten ur promise tt is 2 live & serve others instead of fulfillin ur own selfish needs
u are living a lie
u are becoming superficial
u've forgotten how to smile
u've taken for granted what ur friends have given u....

u are forgotten e pain & sorrow others went through for u....
do u wish for history to repeat itself?
do u wish to bleed?
do u still want to lie?

u will nt fall, u will nt lie, u will see that all u're going thru now is a result of what u've done....
learn to live without hate
learn to love
for only when u're true do u find e most precious things & nt forget what u've lost...

yisha, jane, pam, pris, geraldine, lynn.... dun forget...

love always....
frm me

I AM PARANIOD.......
after repeated attempts by my mum to advice nt trust my friends
after her tearing while she narrates how my dad is sloggin in e factory & we're here spending away their money...
after her trying to push her fucking blame to others even though she is clearly e one at fault...

in fact, e reason y i hate myself so much sometimes is because i see myself in her. e crazy tempers, e loud voice, e inclination to push e blame onto others though e fault is clearly mine...
plus.... i've also become a product of her fucking tempers & irritating character & warped viewpoints abt life...
i've become a person who is often plagued by uncessary guilt that even e slightest trigger will cause me to have suicidal tendencies, to feel guilty even for e slightest mistakes or even for errors that are of no fault of mine. i've become 2 extremes of a pole, initially i used to be indecisive whereas for now i'll just make decisions that often go wrong.

i hate her telling me to stop caring abt my ccaa, i hate her telling me to study like mdm.L becus studies make u stupid, i hate her whining abt me spending too much time in front of e com because e computer is my life, i hate her praising me when i've lied to her tt i've pushed a cca work to someone else to do it... i hate her for nt being a person i can look up to...

simin pls fucking go to hell...........

does love become an excuse for everything? does love give u e authority to hurt ppl intentionally & give a lame excuse such as :" but we're already a family, how can such a comment on a person hurt our relationships..." right, u're so fucking right. so i can just say u're stupid, irritating, brainless & assume u won't be hurt because "we're a family".... kiss my ass man. u're so irritating smtimes i just wish i cld shut u up....

ok teenage angst... get over it... i hate genes, i hate ppl who talk shit... i hate ppl who touch/ pat/pinch my face, because u dirty my face with whatever u've touched on ur hand before u touch my face & because e feeling sucks. it reminds me of being slapped by my mum once. so dun touch it u get me. in case u wanna noe, she flung a chair at me too & it was aimed at my head. i love my mum.... oh yar, mother's day is coming....

i don't know why i'm even thinking abt this stuff... maybe i lost my mind.... stop taking me to see e bloody doc will yar? it's damn irritating & tiring and all because u wanna make urself feel less guilty of feeding me weird chinese medicine... go to hell man... i'm sick of seeing docs, eating weird medicine... god damn it who needs e bloody hormones...

i conclude tt i'm in a normal state of mind.... all content above is irresponsible so disregard it... read it as a novel or wadever....

i hate being nt able to study like a imbecile... study study study fucker.... i'm nuts.....

以长久的痛苦换来那一时的快乐，值得吗？最终的你，是否还会感到真正的快乐呢？

it's ironic how hard we search for true happiness when it's just right beside us, all this while, all this time...

they always say that it's e simplest things are the most difficult tasks to complete.... it holds true for us when we write essays.... it holds true for us when we live our lifes too...

friends are easily make, and is also the companioship that is most frequently & easily forgotten & lost.... sincerity counts alot but along the way, there are fears, temptations, paranoia and before u realise it, the one who promised to be beside u is gone...

u laugh & scorn at how fragile human relationships are, unable to withstand all these obstacles despite promises made... u realise how empty promises r, & slowly become increasingly unwilling to give promises for fear of breakin them & cause urself going through e torturous cycle of anger, disappointment & self blame

last year was the time where i came into contact many things new, when i tried to accomodate & learn... it was then when i realised tt somethings didn't need answers while others needed a clearer definition for me to move on... i've never regretted what i've done, even e stupid ones tt made ppl angry or disappointed with me... i've apologised & i've moved on... i've learnt the lessons & consequences of wandering into areas foreign to me....

friends have always been an irreplaceable part of my life, and most of the time, i feel tt i've live for them rather then for myself... these r e ppl alwys on my mind & these r e ppl whom i can't thank enough... it just tt whenever i try to express my gratitude, what i initially wanted to say always gets lost or twisted by my insanity & u end up nt knowing or nt aware of how thankful i am to have u around...

~~~~
yest was meet e parents...
mr toh (yes yes faith dun smile to urself & start fantasizing abt him) claims i'm eccentric... to quote him, he says i'm a 好动儿(or smthing along tt line...), if u wanna noe why, it's because i always insane during his class, & even more insane when we're using the classroom with thoese chairs with wheels...
let's see...throughout his lesson, i'll usually....
1. roll to the window, then roll to the door, & then back to e window again,
or
2. spin around e chair & make funny noises like i'm autistic or smthing.
then
3. start flirting with steven & clement & make everyone else in e class squirm
or
4. start screaming/howling (together with hui *grins*) when he calls someone up to present their essay outline or smthing....

so yar, it's nt difficult to imgaine rite? since i'm like tt all e time...
1st reason: it's to keep me awake
2nd reason: he makes me sleep so i just haf to entertain myself through other methods
3rd reason: he doesn't care so i don't bother too...

my ct on e other hand said tt i'm quiet & a perfectionist (true... but it's only after i told her frm e mslo sessions last time so it ain't her observation anyway) as for e quiet, my reaction is HA!
i mean who's quiet? nt me definitely, so either she has a warped observation of me or i'm just schizoprenic... anyway, my parents wonder if i'm schizo too... who cares, that's just me anyway...

~~~~
the suddenly realisation that under that many layers of facade & insanity & "bipolar"ism is just a person who wishes to accept and be accepted in return, to stand out & be recognized, to understand & be understood, to love & be loved....

ur observation abt me was smthing tt i'd wished u to see & wished for u nt to see...
c.o.n.t.r.a.d.i.c.t.o.r.y.
but smhow when i tried to explain tt what u saw was a result of me trying to cover up smthing else, i found tt i couldn't & didn't know how to begin...

happy? cus u saw what i wanted to show u & i've managed to hide it from u?
depressed? cus u cldn't see through what was superficial?

& there was this voice sounding at e back of my head 被误会的感觉...好受吗？

I AM SO DAMN TIRED!!!!!!!!

to think, to eat, to understand

on countless occasions today,
i have this strong urge to slap, disfigure, multilate someone.... or to put it simply, i just have this urge to sew their mouths up...

before we begin, let's do a simple exercise.
step 1:
if u think u're the cleverest & cannot stand anyone correcting ur mistakes, pls proceed to slap urself as many times as possible on the face

step 2:
if u think ur mouth is so damn big that u haf to share this advantage with everyone, correcting their mistakes, promoting ur beliefs & just cannot fuckingly shut up abt it & the worse thing is to force it on someone, pls repeat step 1, afterwhich, pls dip ur head into a toilet full of crap & flush it repeatedly till u die.

for extra bonus & to add more fun & excitment, u can request for durains & i will kindly deliver it up ur asses to give u an experience u can nvr forget.

anyway, today we had a live dubber during P2 lesson today. in fact, it was so damn exciting tt i felt like throwing durains over to her place so tt she can just keep her mouth shut & let me enjoy my cha guan in peace. i mean c'mon just fuckingly shut up will ya, i noe u've watched e show so what? u dun haf to go ard repeating after every actors' lines & givin all e unnecessary & bimbotic, wait it's nt even bimbotic, it's imbecile comments like"aiyoh... zhe yang ke lian" like get a life man, who doesn't noe e little girl on e screen is ke lian but just shut up, we dun need to affect our mood. & the most "cute" thing abt u is tt nt even 1 comment tt comes out of ur mouth makes sense. in other words, stop acting clever when u're nt.

& i hate ppl who lie... & e worse thing is to lie till e extent where everyone can just see thru it, see thru ur pathetic attempt to cover up everything, see thru ur frantic attempt to act clever.... u noe what? it just backfires, u'll appear 10 times more stupid than u already are because
1. u attempted to lie abt smthing intelligent
2. u tot no one will see thru it
3. u are wrong, in the case of intelligence & in the case where no one will see thru it...

so yar, get a life, go & die....

MY MUM IS WATCHING DA CHANG JIN IN CHINESE!!! *FOAMS* *stabs dubbers* i hate dubbers... their chinese is so disgusting... and the worse thing is that their expression（in terms of their actual emotions & tone of voice & their age...） is twisted if u watch e dub cus the dubbers are nt acting!!! *SCREAMS* *waves parang @ dubbers*

looking back.... there wasn't any hysteria, there wasn't any anger.... i was just spurred on by curiousity & a bit of self pity...
i guess e most ironic thing abt this was that it coincided with the principle of putting myself in others' shoes.... so u cld say that some part of me just wanted to know....
也许是因为我没有信仰的关系，才能让我从另一个角度对待人生，对待世界…也可能是因为这样，才让感到很厌倦社会中的尔虞我诈，挑拨离间等稀奇古怪的思想，心态和行为。我曾经想过，我压抑自己感情的原因，是不是因为害怕，是不是因为想逃避？
今天和朋友谈了心事，反倒觉得很郁闷，也许是因为自己没法找到一个结论，没法向自己做一个完整的交代。朋友常劝我，不管发生什么事，只要快乐就好。以前觉得没道理，现在反倒觉得挺管用的。人生就是如此，何必给自己更多和不必要的负担，让自己觉得郁闷，又喘不过气来呢？
但说起来又有点矛盾，当自己的原则和快乐起了冲突，我们难道为了大家的快乐，而放弃自己的原则吗？
我坚信...
这个世界上，唯有最可靠的人，只有自己本身
只有在奋斗的过程中，所累积的经验，所得到的成绩，才算是自己的收获
也只有在对自己有所要求，有所付出，并坚信自己的原则的因素下，才能活得更有意义，更加充实...

i've slowly come to realise tt resiliance is nt just how one reacts to defeat but also how one reacts to external pressure.... to maintain calm & composure under pressurizing circumstances, & it is only through resilience that we maintain our principles no matter what...

ok i'm nt making sense...

i think i'm starting nt to understand ppl too.... LEP has too many weird ppl... correction... NY has too many weird ppl where u cannot even understand where the hell r they comin frm or where the hell they're going... haha... wait... tt includes me as well rite? o_o

i think my human relations machine is shuttin down... which means i live solely on e existence of bks, air, food, water & sex. tell me abt great philosophies of life or abt ur judgement on humans/organisms & i'll go smthing like "huh?"... maybe i just don't feel like looking more than what is shown to me on the surface, since we're so superficial, i might as well conform to these social "norms"... or maybe i've joined the ranks of apathetic youths of e new ipod generation.... which is great cus i think i just wanna focus on exams & nthing more... bfs & gfs can come after As....

or maybe.... just maybe....

tired tired tired......
i've basically lost the will to fight for smthing because i've come to see it as totally meaningless so i'll just do whatever i can & whatever is within my means... & yeah, i've lost all interest in voting, because e system of "zi lian"ism doesn't work despite soceity's aggressive promotion of it... ppl who r totally incapable but can speak well (ie birdbrain) r chosen while ppl who have the capability, r responsible r sadly neglected.... i dun see it as apathetic, i see it as giving up hope on an aveunue of expression while meanwhile searching for other avenues which will work... forget abt youth parliament while PAP is in ctrl, forget abt freedom of speech, forget abt democracy... u can't fight a system so don't bother... unless u want to end up like chee soon juan...

*haven been slping well, haf been missing bus stops, haf been crossing rds like i own it & suddenly realise tt i'm in e middle of e rd with cars wheezing past me in both directions, haf been dreaming alot.... abt u, me & what we once were & what we are now....*


Onara

오나라 오나라 아주 오나 Onara onara aju ona

If asked to come, will he really come?

가다라 가다라 아주 가나 gadara gadara aju gana

If asked to leave, will he really leave?

나나니 다려도 못 노나니 nanari daryeodo mot nonani

Even after waiting for countless days, we will not be together

아니리 아니리 아니 노네 aniri aniri ani none

Nay, nay, it is nay

헤이야 디이야 헤이야다라 니노 he-i-ya di-i-ya heiyadara nino

chorus

오지도 못하나 다려 가마 ojido mothana daryeo gama

You cannot come, so take me instead

에야 디야 에야나라 니요 eya diya eyanara niyo

chorus

오지도 못하나 다려 가마 ojido mothana daryeo gama

You cannot come, so take me instead

that i do not give those what is denied of me...

to think i even doubted her capability... i feel irritated with myself too...
maybe that was what made me a notch below others.

anyway, kahhui has gone to nyp... i wish him all e best...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

i just woke up
and that's normal
but the time which i wake up is nt
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
2am 2am 2am 2am!!!!!!

SHITSHITSHIT!!!

OMGGGGGGGGGGG, i haven bath, i missed my da chang jin, i got alot of hmwrk!!!!!!
DIE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

U THINK I LIKE BEING PARANOID?

haha... i wonder too....

recently i did a sort of test to see one's personality, i ended up being highly paranoid, highly schizophrenic, highly dependent, and a lot of high + i dun noe what but i noe it's negative...

i tried redoing e test again & again until e results showed that i wasn't paranoid & stuff.... looking back i think i'm still in self denial... bleahx

test test test.... plus i have to finish packing up all my stuff & pass it to my juniors.... i suck at doing this kind of stuff....

i feel so tired recently....

it's back to tt vicious cycle again....

算了

forget it, for all i care
1. insult my post
be it high class cleaner or low class gardener, i can't be bothered with these ppl who just enjoy insulting people just because they dun belong to the highest order of the committee hierachy.

2. dun bother to respect me
i can't force nor can i be even bothered to ask ppl to respect. if u dun respect my position, be it as a friend, as a committee member, or just a accquitance, forget it. my life wun get any duller w/o u around. in fact i'll be so much happier.

3. i won't explain
because misunderstandings bein unaviodable r a result of both sides bein dense. one nt makin her stand clear enuff & e other one dense enough nt to get it. so u know what? forget it. i'm stupid to even have thought that u wld have understood e tiniest bit of what it is like to be in my place. since u didn't get it & u didn't even give me e basic explanation, just forget it. and while u're at it, i wish u luck in whatever u do.

4. to nt expect anything
because the more u expect out a friend/situation, e more disappointments u'll get. it's e same in life, so no expectations, no disappointments. simple.

i can't be bothered abt all this anymore. eunice said i was, to put it simply, "very shit leh" or smthing along this line. i can't rmb. i just felt tt there wasn't a need for me to balance out anything. i tried to accomodate, i tried to understand, i tried to tone down, i tried everything there was to be done to prevent misunderstandings. i dun rule out e possibility of a misunderstandin.

maybe it's because of my outdated, stupid mentality tt i dun understand what is going on. & for this i take e full blame for nt even bothering to ask & assuming things tt shld nt have been assumed. because i realised tt apparently i was e only one who was ignorant.

eunice was right abt another thing too. tt e more i think abt it, e more pissed off & hurt i'll be, so why nt just settle it directly? i can't. i've always sucked at face to face confrontations even though i know it's e best solution for any misundestandings. because i know in the end, i'll get eomtional & then both parties will be hurt... i just dun want to hurt ppl anymore...

so issue settled. life goes on as always. i'll live mine, u'll live urs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

somehow after all this i've nt learnt frm e pain....
& i had to make my friend cry again...
i've always thought of myself better off as a loner...
u know why?
cus i hate to see u cry....
and e worse thing is to see u cry because of me...

it's ironic how i want ppl to share their burden to me,
& i'm jealously & selfishly guarding my own pain & sorrows
because somewhere inside me
i know tt even though we grow closer by goin thru sorrow & happiness together
there will still be this unknown form of stress tt u'll go thru when u feel tt u're nt able to help...

i don't know when i made this vow
tt to see my friend cry & nt being able to relief her of her burden
or the worse of all, to make her cry
is e greatest sin one cld ever commit
& is one i swear nt to commit ever again...

guess what. i always break this vow...

心里一直唱着这曲调，唱着，唱着，它也就慢慢的化成了一种难以形容的心情，脑海里也就出现了这个景象。一个用眼睛看不见，用耳朵听不到的一个景象。一个只能用心感受的一种美，那凄凉的美，那充满沧桑的美....

不死之身

阳光放弃这最后一秒
让世界被黑暗笼罩
惩罚着人们的骄傲
我忍受寒冷的煎熬
和北风狂妄的咆哮
对命运做抵抗
这是无法避免的浩劫
不论你以为你是谁
任何事情任何一切
喔 亲爱的别难过
只要紧紧握着我的手
地球毁灭了以后
我仍爱你爱的不知天高地厚
为你再造一个新宇宙
不死之身 不死的温柔
这是无法避免的浩劫
不论你以为你是谁
任何事情任何一切
喔 亲爱的别难过
只要紧紧握着我的手
撑着悲伤不回头
却感觉此刻你停不了的泪流
唯有爱 才能永垂不朽
唯有你 我才能找回我

something just snapped....
and it's over....

great... i can't even recognize myself... pathetic...

why did it even have to come to this?

what went wrong?

something inside me tells me i should have known...

known what?

dream.... i wish it was a dream...

hmmm... still have HCL compo... my arm aches like shit from writing 2 econs essay... kinda of lame...
i had a weird dream.... i dreamt of siran... not exactly dream of her.... but i kept looking for her... i didn't manage to find her.... she's still keeping a part of me... haha... cute dream
i dreamt that MOE came down to look for me cus of my sucky chinese results... they said if i didn't improve then i need to drop it...

it seems like everything happened years ago... it's so stupid seeing history repeat itself, and e people who aren't supposed to be there are involved too....

i know a simple sorry can't make up for what i've done.... i srry for being such a lousy friend... always hurting ppl the closest to me... guess i just suck at human relations... hoho. i'm srry i sank into it again.... for a moment i forget the things i've learnt...

the only thing i can do is live strong and be happy, i guess that's e best gift i can ever give u for all the shit i've done....

i won't forget, i'll nvr will...

cys.jtpi.plmh.plmt.ggz.lksm.fnsm

SOME PPL JUST DUN GET IT

it's so damn unfair when ppl who work so hard dun get what they deserve while those who do shit get more than what they are suppose to get... it's like barter trade carried out in the most unfair terms ie. trading shit for pieces of gold bar... (yes that imbecile is comparable to shit, if nt worse than shit... forgive me for always hitting out on him, i dun care if i'm blackmarked by santa claus this year but i just can't stand it when i see my friend cry & him getting what he does nt deserve...)

anyway, congrats to all who did well for pw. esp to my grp (excluding the imbecile) thanks for everything... despite e up & downs, i guess all this was worth our effort.

and i dun get it too... when ppl have obviously made it very clear to those nincompoop tt a particular action they're doing pisses ppl off. so i assume that their skull is so dense that nthing can get thru it or that they're just born with this honorable mission of pissing ppl off... i really dun know what that imbecile want okay? trying to greet me everyday, hoping to get a hello out of me... what does he/it gain frm this? less guilt? fuck u u asshole... if this doesn't stop soon, i swear on my preciousssssss that i shall castrate these twerps one day...

oh well, i just have to live with this sort of ppl everyday when i go to sch...

thurs was great... i met up with my lover *drools* haha.... it's been a while since i saw her, and e worse thing is tt her hp is spoilt so i can't send her smses... and because i didn't manage to get there on time, she was late for her curfew.... ahhhhh.... *guilty me*
guess i just can't help missin e days when we're together......



awwww... isn't that a lovely couple photo? *grins*
*trots off to dream abt my lover*

That which does not kill you makes you stronger.

it's something that i still strongly believe in...

but somewhere along the way, failure just crashes down on me
and i'm starting nt to feel anything at all...

somehow i just want to believe that nthing is impossible...
and it's so ironic cus i believe in others more than i believe in myself...

i've always believed that people will soar...
if they just have the determination to work hard

i truly feel that every single human being is just special in his or her own way
and they should never ever be called stupid

everytime i tell myself that impossible is nthing
it just sounds so empty & hollow
that i just can't help being cynical of who i truly am, and what i can achieve....

U CAN DO IT
hurhurhur......

i'm insane... pardon me if this entry sounds dumb.......

~~~~~~~~~~~

i want to catch up!!!
shit... haha... damnit... i feel empty....

anyway... a big congratulations to faith for her success in D&J (the fact that this cca has got so much more members than other cutural groups deserves celebration! HOHOHOHO) so yar, congrats to my fiancee!

this is bad... i better be able to go to sch tml....
e stupid fever keeps coming & going like no body's business... *stabs invisible virus*
my limbs are numb & i can't even type properly... KANASAI AH...

wad da hell lorx...
i'm talking crap... i can't slp cus i've been slping e whole day but i can't do anything else cus i just feel sick...

ohhhhh... my cousin's wedding is coming.... i wanna eat gd fd... lolx...
okok i cheapskate...

~byebye

it is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. - agatha christie

it's 2 am in e night....
i just woke up...
feverish...
drowsy....
my head hurts....

i dun noe why....
but had a flashback to when i was in sec 2...
BJ china
beryl was ill
it was in e middle of e night....
i woke her up to get her to drink a cup of water...
she was having sorethroat...

i must be insane...

many things have changed....
so much things have happened...
i heard tt she said i was a v diff person too
but despite all this...
i just want to remain the same...
the same me...


do u hate me?

JUST LET ME DIE

and i had wanted so much to be sick, now i have to eat western medicine 2 times a day plus tt freaking chinese medicine 3 times a day...

seized by coughing fits today....


THIS IS SO DAMN BLOODY IRRITATING

the doc is so kind to give me 2 days MC but dun think my mum would allow me to be absent from sch...

i feel weak....

fuck.......

what am i to do....

U WANNA SEE MY HEART?





























HERE! SEE IT!!!

E MEDICINE IS GETTING ON MY NERVES!!!! it's disgusting having to drink brown powder like every 5 hrs... & e fact that i can't complain @ home cus it makes my mum feel bloody guilty makes this whole thing much worse.... DAMN IT WHY MUST I EVEN DRINK THIS SHIT?!!!

& i tot i was strong....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
my parents aren't even acting as a basic grownup by giving reassurances or everything tt this insecure child needs...
sometimes i just feel tt my parents(specifically my mum) didn't really grow in thought, but only in age... she's just so damn childish tt she accuses everyone of committing errors tt she herself fucking makes all the time... wad is her damn problem up there?
i have to learn to convince myself tt my mum learning how to be a mum, just like i'm learning abt adulthood & society.... we all make mistakes....

the most disappointing thing is that i've always believed them to be more mature than me in the material aspect & in their mentality.... i've always have this feeling that they know what is going on with me, but the problem is that they dun really know after all.... they just assumed that they knew.... and it makes it fucking irritating to speak as if she knows how easy it is to score As as if by simply plucking stars out of the sky....

which always explains for the reason why i feel alone most of the time cus i can't even depend on the ppl whom i used to think i could depend on.... i was just having this false sense of security all the time.... sometimes i even have to council her to snap out of her childishness & remind her tt she has the best husband around so stop fuckingly complain that he doesn't give u what u want.... u want a damn big house & a damn big car, go and dream, stop whining u asshole....

u noe humans are animals after all... when u put animals under intense pressure, for eg u keep irritating the hell out of fishes by knocking on their glass tank, or u keep disturbing the cage of a bird, they snap aka, they either jump out of the tank & die (for e fish) or they just dun eat food & die (for e bird).... so for humans, being animals, we self destruct....

Amenorrhea

Amenorrhea means that a woman of childbearing age fails to menstruate.

Secondary amenorrhea happens when a woman who has menstruated previously fails to menstruate for three months. Secondary amenorrhea can be caused by:

* Pregnancy (the most common cause)
* Breastfeeding (lactation)
* Menopause, the normal age-related end of menstruation
* Premature ovarian failure (menopause before age 40)
* Hysterectomy (surgical removal of the uterus)
* Stopping birth control pills
* Use of a long-acting progesterone, such as Depo-Provera, for birth control
* Tumors of the pituitary gland, especially prolactinomas
* Polycystic ovary disease, a condition that causes abnormal levels of estrogen, luteinizing hormone and other hormones
* Endocrine disorders such as Cushing's syndrome, in which there are very high levels of cortisol, an adrenal hormone, or hyperthyroidism, abnormally high levels of thyroid hormone
* Emotional or physical stress
* Rapid weight loss
* Obesity (ok i'm already v fat )
* Frequent strenuous exercise
* Chronic (long-term) illness, such as colitis, kidney failure or cystic fibrosis
* Chemotherapy for cancer
* Cysts or tumors in the ovaries

wadever.... i bet it was my mum feeding me weird stuff that i now have hormone imbalance... i mean i can't be having menopause rite? o.O
or maybe kidney failure? gahx.... e TMC guy said it was hormone imbalance so yar hopefully it's nt anything else... i just hope my mum doesn't feed me with anything else in e future... it's so damn irritating....
and i still have to go back nxt week to see him... sianx
my medication is disgusting too... 1 packet of brown "i dun noe wad" powder plus 8 black "stink like hell" pills every 5 hrs....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there comes a time
when broken hearts can't be fixed with tape
skinned knees can't be mended with loving kisses
and tears aren't cried at the expense of spilled milk
these are the times when you realise
what once was
exist only in your dreams
live for today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i didn't want my picture taken because i was going to cry. i didn't know why i was going to cry, but i knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and i'd cry for a week. i could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. - sylvia plath

~~~~~~~~~~~

so u see, life's like this....
u get haunted by memories
no matter how hard u try... u just can't deny ur past...

man's creation is nt a result of his intelligence but his stupidity....
we would have been much happier w.o emails tt requires our immediate attention, sms tt have to be replied asap... we've lost the feeling of waiting, & we've lost the sense of learning to hope for e better too...
but ironically, we've grown cynical of those who stubbornly hold on to e believe tt they do nt need hps, emails & other modern inventions for this simple reason that he's so out of place... so here in smirking at other people's foolishness, we've forgetten that we in fact are no better than him...

e most fascinating thing, is tt we always think we're a notch higher than others, telling others what they should do & shld nt do, e absurd thing is that we always end up making e same mistakes... if nt more ridiculous ones... i wld be here telling u to learn how to understand others more, & instead of being angry with them, look inside urself & see where the fault lies instead... yet now i'm angry with myself & e person for reasons i cannot say... & i would have known better where e fault lies & what the solution to problem is... but i can't help turning a blind eye to it in a pathetic attempt run away...

call me stupid, call me blind
and e only thing i wanna do is live a lie
and yeah it rhymes....

人就因为在活得轰轰烈烈，死得热热闹闹，才足以叫做人生。难道我们在这短暂的人生里，就一定要留下足迹，证明自己活得有价值，对社会有贡献，才算是一个充实的生活吗？那快乐呢？就把快乐忽略了吗？这一切的一切的牺牲，为何就偏偏要牺牲了快乐呢？难道，这就是他人所谓的公平吗？
为芝麻小事而愁，为成绩流泪，为朋友烦恼，为未来担忧，为过去郁闷，为现在苦恼，这世界还真的值得我留恋啊。。。

i am happy.... i truly am happy....


Keith Urban - Days Go By Lyrics

I'm changing lanes
I'm talking on the phone
I'm drivin' way to fast
And the interstate's jammed with
Gunners like me afraid of coming in last
But somewhere in the race we run
We're coming undone

Days go by
I can feel 'em flying
Like a hand out the window in the wind as the cars go by
It's all we've been given
So you better start livin' right now
'Cause days go by

Out on the roof just the other night
I watched the world flash by
Headlights, taillights running through a river of neon signs
But somewhere in the rush I felt
We're losing ourselves

Days go by
I can feel 'em flying
Like a hand out the window in the wind as the cars go by
It's all we've been given
So you better start livin' right now
'Cause days go by

We think about tomorrow then it slips away
We talk about forever but we've only got today

pocky entry

YEAH!!!!!!! JASMINE BOUGHT ME POCKY & ZOOLAND! she even made me a four leaf clover! HOHOHO! i feel lucky!











picture of my pocky & zooland in happier times, unfortunately, zooland migrated into my stomach first, pocky has decided nt to migrate yet....
*cameo appearance by lucky four leaf clover*

















picture of pocky with yet another cameo appearance by the kawaii clover leaf...

















pocky in a seductive position...
* pocky shld consider a modelling career with clover leaf*











pocky is tilted... i can't tilt it up.... darn this photo but pocky & clover is cute all e same










pocky close up.... red, pink & sexy!
dun u agree that pocky is just so photogenic??!!! *squeals* one can just fangurl over pocky!

so pocky shall nt migrate into my stomach just yet! *grins*

i'm cranky...hohoho

NYJC website hacked

we celebrate! the birth of a new menance on NYJC's front page. though it's life span was short, their courage & intelligence will forever be rmbed in the hearts of those who hate NYJC to e core...

presenting to you, a masterpiece of internet designing!!!! ta-da! *unvields*











sm background information
on Thursday, April 06, 2006, NYJC's website got hacked by a group of iranians (apparetly) which greatly fascinated me & echizen... so whoever wants to laugh, take a good look out of it...
btw i think e colour combi are quite o.o




it wasn't that i didn't want to....
it was that i couldn't...
maybe it didn't make much of a difference to u...
but it meant so much to me...

i guess that's what makes humans different...
tt e heart is nt as easily read as we initially thought it would be

i observed how ironic e world when we consider the fact of how wishes are being granted...
i had wished to die from over donation of blood & my wish was granted (nt wholly, but partially is gd enuff for me), i fainted
i had wished for bird brain to dissapear out of my sight, he didn't, he became more persistant in pissing me off instead...
& lll said e wrld is fair, my ass, maybe in e future yeah bt now no...

considering the fact tt i've been alive for 18 years, i'm abit sua ku in tt sense...
but i don't deny e fact that i was initially overwhelmed by panic by fear but i guess the only thing tt was going in my head was just walk to tt damned bloody table & die...just let me have a place to rest my tired body be4 i die.. & i made it there... so proud of myself...
everything just went black... maybe some hazy stuff here & there... i only rmbered that i held on tightly to my wallet as if my life depended on it... i'm such a money face...

life has been good to me so far... failing exams, lousy grades, lousy classmates, lousy teachers who only excel in bowling... what more could i have expected from this place of comfort, and i so love myself for even choosing to place myself in hell... i should have gone poly & died my ass off when i had e chance, get a diploma, earn money & lighten their(her) bloody workload...

i guess there is always e bad thing abt being e eldest of a middle incomed family, u're expected to lighten e load... and that became a rule...

on a lighter note
i've been reading up on suicide...
the mentality of suiciders....
i guess in the end, after going through 2 very unpersonal deaths, i've learnt to view death as a part of a cycle, the ritual of returning to where we came from - the soil...
but who knows... i've nvr experienced a personal loss before... for me, ppl just fade away... to a point where they pop up once in a while in ur memories to remind u that u've once known them...

u noe what... ny is cheapskate... or else i have no other explanation for them always getting e same guy back for lvl camps even though he sucks....
the only thing i liked abt him is that he "condemned" circle once... that's all
the rest of his camp is just plain stupidity, no common sense, & just trying to act as if he knows the workings of a human mind....

there is no other more stupid way than training students in this manner... and i bet that for e students who didn't attend the lousy course, they won't even be disadvantaged in mental skills because there wasn't even anything that inspired those who attended (ie. me)...

why do this sort of ppl even exist in e world? they're just a big insult to ppl who have e REAL skills, who do truly know how to train a leader.... he can just go & die... disgusting piece of lard

if ny really wants to cultivate leaders who are resiliant, capable & inspiring, he's one guy that shouldn't even appear in our sch campus...

smtimes i think my mum is just e best
smtimes she can be just so irritating that i just wanna commit murder...

& the most wonderful thing is she can just pick on all my actions & link it to some long long story of sorts....

action:
when i start hitting my stomach like a drum (i stress that i was just bored... )

my mum:
aiyoh, u must go toilet clear ur bowels ah, u know ah ur uncle like u nvr clear his bowels den he later get cancer... somemore u know this kind of this is hereditary one, why can't u even bother to walk to the toilet blah blah blah....

action:
when i play with my hair

my mum:
why don't u wanna cut ur hair, it's so long & messy, like broom like that... cut alrdy nicer what, will look more "young" blah blah blah....

etc etc etc etc... can she just stop linkin everything i do to some rubbish... damnit....

bored.....
i'm addicted to da chang jin, diee.... but i just wanna noe e love story part leh....

it's just so good to act bimbo smtimes....
i wonder if steven really gives me a box of strawberry flavoured condoms for my belated bday present, how should i even deal with it? hmmmm.... give my dad? o.O

sometimes, we just don't have to look far for the source of our problems because it's nt some complicated theory of life or human behaviour.... it's just plain human stupity tt causes us this much pain.... isn't it?

i hate this feeling....

i suddenly realised how difficult it is to pretend u are okay, to comfort urself that u're not one of the worse assholes around...
cus i know reality always shouts back :" SO WHAT?"

yeah... so what i wonder, it doesn't hide the fact that i didn't fly, it doesn't prove to e world that i tried to fly...

i just wanted to scream so much that i could literally feel the scream in my throat ready to get out under the slightest provocation... what have i proved? what have i done....

i can't wish for it to go away.... now i just to want to find a source of motivation for me to go on...

u wouldn't have understood, even if u did, reality still triumphed.

it all just boils down to me alone...

i hate it when reality grabs me by the neck
& beats the shit out of me
& tells me that my dream is nothing more than a dream....

but guess what, i realised that it's possible to hide depression too... i'm so happy

darkness sezies u when u're unaware,
& follows u around with around with a smirk
as if challenging u to free urself frm its influence
so addicitive & yet so harmful

i feel so depressed all of a sudden, haha, a big reason is caused by my mum, she always forces me to face what i wish to run away from... or maybe it's e sudden realisation that i wasn't even @ the top of e world in e first place...

it's e unfairness that disgust me... but maybe the fact that some ppl just have e natural talent for this kind of things just make me wonder what am i even gd at... talking rubbish & acting dumb & assholic, being a menace to e society....

she hasn't been doing well either.... she used to score for her grades, we would always pit ourselves against each other... & the most fascinating thing is that we managed to end up in the same class after being "separated" into different classes for 4 years....
i wonder if she's really okay.... i dun like her friends, they seem to bug her alot & nt pay much attention to what she really needs...

she needs all this more than i do....

haha... & the best thing abt her is tt we can just talk abt anything & everything after not seeing/talking to each other for months.... there's nvr this distance....

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is the world so damn unfair.......

& i behave like a kid...

i rmb that rain
which brough us together
where our paths crossed
and my fantasy became a reality
but that rain didn't last long
not in reality, not in my memories
i rmb that rain...
and that cute guy became the fantasy,,,,

i would say, good genes are hereditary, so if u have a cousin who's handsome, u'll most probably be handsome (if u're a guy) & chio (if u're a gurl)
apparently, my cousin, who's now working in shanghai, is being tricked into entering this show called 相约星期六 which is like those tv match making sessions... o.O yesh & i just think this shows are horrid... futhermore he has a s'porean gf alrdy so i think he's colleague is just bo liao to e extent of trying to garner votes for him on this stupid forum

so u have lame comments ranging from 蛮帅的 to 呵呵，会的，卖相好赖，又是新加坡人，哟荷..... to 我喜欢的类型呀，口水ING to 穿得好花啊 心一定花！o.O o.O
it just shows e mentality of ppl who have nthing to do but gush abt guys....

what is e world coming to.... sighx

i've made a promise to myself...
tt shld e need ever arises & shld there be things i need to confirm & with tt curiousity of mine which i need to satisfy...
i will go.... alone....

i think this just applies to real life as well...
tt it has occured to me countless times tt i was a born loner
i wldn't need to account to anyone abt my life
i wldn't need to fret abt hurting anyone with my insanity & reckless speech & actions
i wldn't have to feel e pain of separation, of wondering if we wld still be e same
i wldn't have to bother abt what others think of me, or whether i've been a gd enough friend
i could just come & go
w.o burdens, w.o regrets....

but that all just boils down to pure selfishness doesn't it...

i think tt's it's a high possibility tt i will someday need to depend on smthing totally
but i dread dependence, & i dread rules & regulations...

it's been raining alot recently hasn't it?

my tuition teacher says tt if someone calls u a bitch, be proud of it
his reason?
BITCH= Babe In Total Control of Herself
so ya, i love bitches o.O

anyway, here's a test i got frm faith's blog, quite a short test but accurate nevertheless, go try!

here's mine, do u think it's accurate? ><

The Portrait of the Mastermind Rational (iNTj)

Of the four aspects of strategic analysis and definition, it is the contingency planning or entailment organizing role that reaches the highest development in Masterminds. Entailing or contingency planning is not an informative activity, rather it is a directive one in which the planner tells others what to do and in what order to do it. As the organizing capabilities the Masterminds increase so does their inclination to take charge of whatever is going on.

It is in their abilities that Masterminds differ from the other Rationals, while in most of their attitudes they are just like the others. However there is one attitude that sets them apart from other Rationals: they tend to be much more self-confident than the rest, having, for obscure reasons, developed a very strong will. They are rather rare, comprising no more than, say, one percent of the population. Being very judicious, decisions come naturally to them; indeed, they can hardly rest until they have things settled, decided, and set. They are the people who are able to formulate coherent and comprehensive contingency plans, hence contingency organizers or "entailers."

Masterminds will adopt ideas only if they are useful, which is to say if they work efficiently toward accomplishing the Mastermind's well-defined goals. Natural leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command of projects or groups, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once in charge, however, Masterminds are the supreme pragmatists, seeing reality as a crucible for refining their strategies for goal-directed action. In a sense, Masterminds approach reality as they would a giant chess board, always seeking strategies that have a high payoff, and always devising contingency plans in case of error or adversity. To the Mastermind, organizational structure and operational procedures are never arbitrary, never set in concrete, but are quite malleable and can be changed, improved, streamlined. In their drive for efficient action, Masterminds are the most open-minded of all the types. No idea is too far-fetched to be entertained-if it is useful. Masterminds are natural brainstormers, always open to new concepts and, in fact, aggressively seeking them. They are also alert to the consequences of applying new ideas or positions. Theories which cannot be made to work are quickly discarded by the Masterminds. On the other hand, Masterminds can be quite ruthless in implementing effective ideas, seldom counting personal cost in terms of time and energy.

how?

i've forgot e meaning of perserverance
i've left behind my determination
& i've lost my will to fight....

drained.... i should just soak myself in a tub of chicken essence... maybe it would help....

i have to work harder harder harder harder..... so much harder

where have u gone?

i would like to draw ur attention to this very very interesting & hilarious conversation

<caisiminjie>: nice new skin! :D i like the color scheme :P btw, i think i had tt song last time.. and everything in italics is v diff to read ne. >_<
<caisiminjie>: ehh, that was me, btw. why did it turn out as csmj??? o_O
<caisiminjie>: if it turns out as csmj agn, i'll kill myself. I AM ECHIZEN OKAY. damn cbox.
<caisiminjie>: okay. im off to kill myself now. /end zi yan zi yu.
<caisiminjie>: hahaha! it loves caisiminjie (sidenote: this was by me estelwen)

this got me laughing for quite a while... hahah! ECHIZEN U'RE SO CUTE U NOE! LOLLOLLOL!
haha anway, one of e reasons i changed back to this cedar blogskin was that e green one was kinda of screwed & i wanted more space to write XD jasmine u rock! ganbette neh! smile always!

anyway, i found this very interesting website
it's able to match a photo u've uploaded to a face that is quite similar to e one u've uploaded, i've been matched to zhang ziyi & my sis has been matched to bae yong jun worr... XD
u can try it out here...

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY ESTELWEN!
u r now officially permitted 2
1. drink booze
2. drive cars (& try nt 2 knock ppl down)
3. watch M-18 movies (like i've been watching porn all along)
4. Have sex
5. kill people & nt be treated as a juvenille (who cares, i'm going 2 annihilate birdbrains anyway, they're a threat 2 e society with their bird flu)

gd!... i have gained freedom! HURHURHUR.... that's only in status, since i dun benefit much frm this birthday cus i'm still economically dependent... damn.... i want a driving licence so tt i can knock birdbrains down...
*grins*

first & foremost, a big THANK YOU (ありがとう!!! it's translated jap hohoho... but it just looks nice on moi blog.... XDXD) to these butch of ppl who just can't wait to wish me happy birthday & tell me how much they love me & how much they wish to see me 走桃花运...
thank u zhuang jing, chen jing "xue jie", jiang lai 情敌, angie my buddy, Melissa aka 猫猫, julia aka 小欣!, Jasmine babe aka echizen ryoma's 4ever love, wenshu aka tomtom, zhong jun (my new darling who lives in my neighbourhood! hohoho XD) & xiuling....

nt to forget these 2 ppl who sent me cute e cards



Liu Chang my dearest penpal











& huang bin XD










to 05a7a specifically, sockhoon, yuqing, beechoo, samantha, peishan, caijing (i hope i didn't miss out anyone) for rmb my bday & also for plannin to celebrate it with me... though there was some miscommunication of stuff but it's okay lar... haha XD

2 birdbrain, thank u for shaking my hand & traumatising me to e extend of me wanting 2 amputate my hand & then bath in dettol for infinite times... honestly i felt so pleasantly grossed out for quite a while...

to eunice, xiaoying & lynette! thank u so much for everything, lep lessons would have been so much different w.o u guys... just gld tt u guys always try to be there for me XD thanks!

to zhixin, chee, HLmilk aka hsiang gay, wenxin, soo.... lep room will definitely be so fun & crazy with u guys ard... thank u guys 4 makin my day! yes i love e very "normal" perzzies u gave me... hohoho.... i will rmb to take my medication often! & cheechee, thanks for e love letter!! to my gor aka gay, thanks for being such a great fren & thank u so much for e prezzie too! haha! & to insane weilian & crazy faith, thank u so much for e prezzies too! to my forever darlings pris & pam, thanks for e nice shirt! hahaha! i love all moi presents alot! thanks 4 takin time out 2 choose such thoughtful gifts, i'll keep them with me always...


































haha thanks for e nice bday cake too, it was great to have everyone around to just remind me that i'm nt alone & that i'm loved... thanks thanks & thanks again to all those who rmb me XD
love ya always!

i don't know why....
but recently i've been having this mini phobia of talking to people
this phobia of fear of making a mistake
this phobia of not knowing what to say
and i just feel so tired at the thought of interacting with people...
like talking them face to face takes a tremendous amt of energy out of me

there's just this wall....