it looks like i can't sleep early tonight again...

i feel betrayed... but i guess it's all because i choose to look at myself as the victim... when i wasn't even involved in anything, and i wasn't targeted or flamed...

i'm paranoid... i keep telling myself this... i'm just a freak paranoid & should just DIEDIEDIE...

the night isn't doing anything to make me feel better... i just feel a thousand times lonlier, a million times more stupid, and infinitely damned....

and those who should have felt more fortunate than the rest are complaining that the world is not giving them enough...

i don't think i've been through enough to warrant me all this pessimistic views...
i'm just not very rich, i have a intact family with my mum constantly whining and my dad being cool but weird sometimes and i have 2 sibilings whom i love very much... i have friends in school... not alot but few enough to make me feel like i live in heaven... i meet the same people that others meet too... i deal with relationship problems just like any other people would deal with... act dumb, tell lies, cry, run away... how am i different... how?

if i had a religion i'll most probably be cursing & swearing at somebody.... but now i'm just screaming into the emptiness.... i feel too much... i should just sell away my emotions... i love it.. it's so cool... u become so calm & logical, not affected by anything that is so trival & insignificant...

it's all because of me.... all this rubbish... am i supposed to be honoured? that i've become the invisible & unwritten reason contributing to the greater chaos? my feelings can't be wrong... u've just betrayed urself... & me... u've hurt me again & again & again... on countless occasions... & i feel so tired with you... all this guessing games to who is the real u... i play that with everyone i don't know ... i just can't imagine myself playing this game with u... u just made me do it...

i don't know what i see... and stupid faith is away in shanghai... haha... i've become so dependent on her for councilling for my unstable brain & emotions... i'm a bastard...

and admist all this... the only thing i desperately cling onto now is my kid bro who of all things i've encountered in this hell of a jc and it's people, the most angelic, naive, dependable & human...

i had actually thought i would be ready for anything... i'm not afraid of death & suffering... show me a picture of war & its atrocities & i hear people go ewww or cry for these people showing pity... i would just say so what? it's part of the world we live in... but maybe it has never hit so close to my heart before... people around me...

& to think i've thought u to be mature... i just saw another person whom i refused to see at first... i just see right through u...

~it's no use trying to assign names to those unnamed.... for they forever will be as they are... they will be those i wish to forget... those i wish to leave behind...

" why are your nick names are so sentimental one...."

that was the first thing my senior said to me after hmm... nt talking to me for a year... haha... oh well...

am i sentimental?

is being sentimental wrong?

maybe it's just my way of releasing stress... i cannot breakdown... it is more tiring than anything else... reflection makes me more aware of myself... my weaknesses & strengths...

i guess it's like "self appraisal" to reflect on everything that u've done for the day... everything u've said & done... i know it's tiring.... but i guess it's the path i've choosen to take to make myself a better person... to relieve myself of guilt & constant self berating... i realised that living in a mentality of self blame makes one pessimistic & overly dependent on others for a confirmation... for a definition... that u need a confirmation from those around u... u need praise, u cannot withstand any blows or major changes in ur life because u'll lose the people who define u...
to put it simply... u. l.o.s.e. u.r.s.e.l.f. & everything that comes with it... ur faith, trust etc...

or maybe it's because of my personality....
a facade.... as i always put it... a mask that i always wear...
insane, high, self absorbed, authustic, no image gurl... whatever u see... maybe it's what i want you to see.... or maybe it's what i want to tell you... that i am not what u see... the problem is... i don't know... sometimes i think i am who i am... sometimes i think i'm not who i believe myself to be...

failures... tears... pain... these are the things we all fear & avoid most...

i love to be high, to "flirt", to scream & shout like nobody's business... to think that i have bipolar tendencies... this is the me that i know... that i present to everyone though i hate it alot.. isn't it ironic? i hate being high, i hate being referred as that insane no image crazy girl but what can i do? it is what i am... it is how i naturally behave in front of people... it is how i hide things i don't wish them to see... AND I HATE IT... *and i'm so hysterical suddenly....*
self pity....

what's wrong with my sentimental nick? cus it doesn't fit the image u've seen me present to u when u interact with me? or isit something i yearn for? sentimental nicks to seek the attention that i need... and i don't wanna care...

i'm just overly paranoid.... that i fear & dread every second cus i'm afraid that something might just happen the nxt min & we won't be friends anymore... or that i've hurt u, or i've left a damn bad impression on u causing irreversible damage.... how dumb can i get... what picture is there for me to see...

is that me... what u see.... what i see...

i want to be the wind... carefree... resilient & so sure of itself... nothing can cut the wind... nothing can stop it... this is who i want to be... the wind...

it's the thought that counts...
yet when i look at reality...it always tells me otherwise...
it's the thought that counts...
somehow or rather, this sentence seems to be used to comfort people who are not able to afford a very expensive gift...

maybe it's because i've low self esteem... that i am not able to afford that much makes me more sensitive/suspicious of people's reaction after they receive the present...
to put it simply... i'm just plain weird...

if there is anything that i didn't prepare enough in social skills... it is the gatherings, gatherings & more gatherings that make me very sick of socialising... & it's not just any gathering... it's the gatherings with people who simply do not take into / or show little consideration the economic status of other people that piss me off the most...
it is at this gatherings where i feel most depressed... because people seem to think that money just miraculously appear in the purses and thus waste no effort in trying to spend it... they think it's an enjoyment... i think it is a torture... and the worse thing is i've been made to go through this ritual constantly... and even more frequently during the holidays... call me a miser or whatever u wanna call me....
i'm just poor...
i just can't stand it when i have to go through this ritual of lowering my self esteem everytime i go out with people... it's tiring & depressing...

and the lep web is making me worry too...

haix... when will all this ever end?

很多时候常想,十年后的今天,你我之间的感情,会是怎样的...

装傻,装疯,装癫,我什么都装过了... 难道一切都是因为心的选择?

my friend said that she hadn't used chinese for a year & she's losing it already... haha.. oh well..

did i tell u that my friends hate their JCs too? now i don't feel so alone anymore... i sound stupid...

everyone seems to be claiming that they have depression now adays... isit a fad? a norm?

maybe humans weren't meant for such transformations or evolutions... in the end... we end up being the dumbest things on earth... to seek for a better life & solution, and yet walk on the path of self destruction... greed....

i sound so cheesy...

my teacher told me that we're different everyday... that the present me @ 10.56pm may be different from the me of 10.56pm yesterday... that it is because of this reason that we cannot condemn a person forever, because he or she maybe different tomorrow... but the problem sometimes u look at this person full of hypocracy, full of themselves, full of so much rubbish that u wonder... how could he/she even change for the better?

however, the thing i've always wondered/& neglect is... am i any better from them... do i even resemble them in the slightest way? if yes, then what right do i have to condemn? what makes me think that i'm a notch higher than them?

i guess i always make this error of condeming someone everyday... but the prob is if u really want me to not condemn them... i lack the magnaminity & the patience... i guess the best thing is not to bother about them.... i shall continue to live in my own world...

if there's anything that i've learnt so far... it is not to hold on to the past... but like what all others say... to let go is never easy... and it's the thing i have to remind myself to do everyday... nyjc is good, nyjc is good... sounds sarcastic? maybe it's just something i really want to believe in despite everything...

i don't ask to forget... for to forget is to let go of memories, to let go of you or any ties with you... to forget is impossible... because memories make me who i am today... memories make me treasure the present more... memories encourage me to smile often... memories should make me move on... to not want to repeat past errors, to prove to others that this mistake will happen once & will nt happen again...

sometimes i wonder about the fact about whether humans are selfish... cause ultimately, everything boils down to ourselves @ the end of the day... you wish to help someone.. cause u wish to have this good feeling of lending a helping hand...

but since everyone will be happy in the end, the person who helps & the person who is helped... so why bother about me feeling good & me wanting this good feeling to be selfish?

i'm crapping....

hey ppl... any comments? i noe this kinda of sucks... i'm learning how to do it... but would love comments :) i'll appreciate it... many thanks!

EE HUI! SURPRISE!! LOOK!!! NICE???

haha... u went offline so had to put it here.. hope u'll like it :)

anyway... me played with photoshop & came up with this picture... looks like wedding aniversary photo :P but haha.. i LOVE IT

anyway ppl , MERRY CHRISTMAS!

though i dun celebrate christmas.... but it represents the coming of a new year... well for the school term & stuff *squints* but oh well... smile ppl... & take care :)

this is hilarious.... haha... here goes :

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy.

It really wasn't my fault what happened at faith's Christmas party. It was weilian who spiked the punch with too much chocolate milk. I can't help it if I drank 31 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like excrete.

I thought it was funny when I put Sining's bra on my head and danced the cha cha on the chair while singing `where is the love'. I didn't mean to break faith's mp3 and don't know why faith would sue me for adultery.

I don't remember calling weihao's wife a gay horse---even though she looked like one with black eye shadow and blue lipstick!

And when I threw up on miaoyu's husband's arse, it was only because I ate too much of that banana.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my garbage truck through my neighbor's kitchen. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a humongous dog and have me arrested for sodomise!

So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all siao and seductive. And I'm really not to blame for any of this kuukuu stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!

Sincerely and completely yours,
estel (Really a nice boy!)

P.S. It's only 1 bucks!

smile & merry christmas >.< HOHOHO

我愿用心为你编织美丽的梦
在网页上看到学姐和他男友的照片，看着他们俩幸福的样子，心里也莫名其妙的高兴起来...
我知道这感觉...不是羡慕...是真的替你感到开心...

和很多学姐都失去联络了,就算是有电邮,并时常看到你上网,就是不懂得如何开口向你打个招呼...
怕心里的这些怀念是多余的... 人家可能都不想你呢,你干吗那么白痴呀....
也就这样,痴痴的望着你,祝你幸福,快乐...

感情的包袱很难背...而且拿起后,就不易放下...
所以有时候觉得做个流浪者是一件多么幸福的事呀...
没有情感上的包袱,也没有什么寄托...
走遍天涯,想留就留,想走就走,不带任何牵挂,也不受拘束,多自由...

孤单 是一个人的狂欢
狂欢 是一群人的孤单

很讨厌被人误会,有时候是讨厌那个人自作聪明,自以为很了解我和我的为人,有时候则是自己因为没把话说清楚,造成两人之间的误会,怪也不能怪别人.只能怪自己...
很多时候,时时刻刻挂念着你,你却不知道... 只会说我偏心,说我没良心...
如果人能这么轻易的把话说出来,那"我爱你"着三个字也变得没意义了...

所以说你不了解我...我也不想让你分析我的性格...

多情的人呀...就被残酷的现实排斥和压迫了...

我知道我不能怪你... 但是我们之间的鸿沟也因此扩大了... 也许你不会察觉到... 但是我对周遭的人都很缺乏信任... 要是之间一出现了距离,就很难再复合了...

很抱歉...我们的友谊...就到此结束吧...

HEY FAITH!!!
was listening to this song & u came to my mind.. so yar... dedicate this song to u :)
love me? :P lol! *hugs*

BSB: what makes u different

You don’t run with the crowd
You go your own way
You don’t play after dark
You light up my day

Got your own kind of style
That sets you apart
Baby that’s why you’ve camptured my heart

I know sometimes you feel
Like you don’t fit in
And this world doesn’t know
What you have within

When I look at you
I see something rare
A rose that can grow anywhere
And there’s no one I know that can compare

*Chorus:
What makes you different
Makes you beautiful
What’s there inside you
Shines through to me
In your eyes I see all the love I’ll ever need
What makes you different makes you beautiful to me

You’ve got something so real
You touched me so deep (touched me so deep)
The material things
Don’t matter to me
So come as you are
You’ve got nothing to prove
You won me with all the you do

And I wanna take this chance to say to you

*

You don’t know how you’ve touched my life
Oh there’s so many ways, I just can’t describe
You taught me what love is supposed to be
It’s all the little things that made you beautiful to me

*

Everything in you is beautiful
Love you give shines right through me
Everything in you is beautiful
Beautiful to me (to me)

entry kidnapped from my sis's blog... haha.... enjoy

Friday, December 16, 2005

i saw a couple quarreling over a DISPLACED TEA BAG.

DISPLACED TEA BAG
DISPLACED TEA BAG
DISPLACED TEA BAG

haha.crazy.the guy got so angry coz his gf chose a table with a displaced teabag. so he left the place angrily. he looked so funny. i should have taken a picture of him

... and waste memory space. HAHA.

i am supposed to abandon this blog. NO DHILSHAD. i am not blogging for you. hahah. SOMEBODY THINKS THEY ARE SO HOT. HOT UNTIL THEY HAVE HEATRASH X)) well.. HAHA. SIANNED. no lah. wanted to blog cos for once the modem wire wasnt kept.over the years, my mum has hidden it in a million places including:

the washing machine
dustbin
cupboard
her handbag
somewhere among the stuff toys
somewhere among the canned food
laundry basket

and most of the time.. we managed to find it. my mum has a GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR HUH.

so now everyone's doing the chiku moku song. haha. i should do an album for that. do cockroach version and stuff. HAHA.

g n i n i s

1. Post 5 weird/random stuffs about yourself.
2. At the end of the quiz list the names of 5 people who you want next to do this and leave a comment "you are tagged" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules.

ok my blog my rules... so i shall ignore rule 2... haha... >.< 5 weird /random facts...

1. i love to eat anything that breathes & love eating them raw if possible...

2. faith is my fiancee & i declare i love her forever! i shall marry her when i reach e legal age!! WHEE *hugs faith*

3. i tried learning elvish but failed... (only for now) however, piss me off & i will insult u in elvish...eg : Nostach be Orch gaer (You smell like ten orcs), Ti tállbe Orch(Go kiss an orc)

4. i have a high sex drive... X))

5. i love speed... if given a chance i wanna go kart forever

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i'm just extremely depressed...
everything just came to me suddenly... because of something so insignificant & stupid...
u all r just so childish...
why can't u just leave me alone... i didn't know taking up this responsibility would mean so much more than what is written on the paper..
i didn't know that the right to speak ur mind actually means so much more & could cost u so much more....

did i tell u to treasure every second u spend with ur friend cus u won't know when it might be ur last...

& u won't know if this is the last time i'm going to speak to u or not....

nothing is planned... it just came... i don't know what hidden meanings or msges that is out there... i can't read people... it's just so tiring....


& u won't know....

g.o.n.e

sometimes, things don't go the way you want... i've seen through what was shown to me...
things are not what they seem to be... things are what they are....

btw... if u realised... the guy involved in the NKF scandal has a cute name... T.T Durai...
u get this T.T out of his name! fascinating isn't it? lol

i realised that it's always impossible to get 100% of everything... i mean down to the basics... if u ate a whole bar of chocolate, u wouldn't get the full satisfaction of sharing it with ur sibilings... yet if u shared it wth ur sibilings, u won't get enough to eat... >.<

i feel... unhappy...
because i am unable to let them be happy...
because people around me are unhappy because of money...
it's so shallow... so i made a shallow wish tt since the cause of everything seems to be money, them maybe to be rich seems to be the only solution...
it's so easy to say if... if i had this, if i had that... but the problem is if is just a stupid wish plus countless possbilities...

things i strongly believe in...
there is always a 2 hand situation... it just forms the foundation...
that i am a schizoprenic...
that i am who i am... i define my destiny.. i do not let others define my destiny, or rule over my way of life...

things i want to believe in...
that there are things such as forever friends...
that i will succeed
that i will not be too realistic nor too dreamy...

haha... crapping...

i will seek what i set out to find... i have almost found it... u are just there... so close.. & yet so far

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

food for thought...

'we cannot just create our own comfortable or politically correct image of God & worship it. that is idolatry.'

things that i felt needed definition...
worship:
n.

1. The reverent love and devotion accorded a deity, an idol, or a sacred object.
2. The ceremonies, prayers, or other religious forms by which this love is expressed.
2. Ardent devotion; adoration.

v.

1. To honor and love as a deity.
2. To regard with ardent or adoring esteem or devotion.

idolatry:
n 1: religious zeal; willingness to serve God
2: the worship of idols; the worship of images that are not God


somehow the word that comes to my mind is... I.R.O.N.I.C...
there are alot of reasons i guess.. but this word just sums up how i felt...

anyway, i seem to be falling in love with oldies recently... have no idea why too...
songs include:
潇洒走一回
走在铁路旁(夏之旅) (strongly recommended XD)
小城故事
海誓山盟
滚滚红尘

there are alot more but i just don't have the energy to list them out...

i would also like to say a BIG thank you to FAITH & WEILIAN
for dating me.. hehe... because
1. no one bothers to date me
2. & i don't bother to go to dates cus i just hate going out... i'm a hermit
soo... many thanks to these 2 darlings for dragging me out of the bed to orchard road lido to watch perharps love.. thanks! *hugs*
if u want me to rate the movie out on the scale of 10
i would give it a 6.5...
i don't know why... i think maybe it's cus i kept comparing it to moulin rouge... i mean tt was what the review in the ST's did so i just sort of expected it to match up to moulin rouge...
and for ur info, i DID cry for moulin rouge & i think the computer effects of this movie made me want to laugh when i'm supposed to cry. i'm just pampered by the wonderful effects of LOTR so unless u can do a better one than the one i saw in LOTR, don't expect me to go WOW...

the only person who loves u the most is urself

i got this quote from the movie... i think tt is the thing i agree with the most...
humans are selfish... admit it... everything just boils down to me, me, me & me alone...
i figured this out some time ago... so now i think that everyone is a bastard...
sorry i'm just cranky cus it's 6.20am

anyway, i had wanted to write a entry that goes like this:

I HATE U!!! U DON'T UNDERSTAND ME, NON OF U DO! URGH!!!

however i realised that for every min that i'm angry i loose 60 seconds of happiness...
i just feel very very depressed... because they would have understood... and because i'm not like a "normal" teenager... i hate shopping, i hate going out with friends, i hate watching movies, i hate eating in places that are not hawker centres...
and the most ironic thing is...
1. it's not because i have phobias of food courts or shopping centres
2. or that i hate my friends
3. i'm not poor as in i don't beg in the streets...
sometimes i think the only person who understands me the most is my best friend of 10 years... we just know each other so well that sometimes we can just say 1 word of a sentence & she can understand what i mean... it's sad that i can't follow her to tjc though.. *hugs julia*

recently i kept thinking that if i was rich, what would i do...
& the only thought that kept coming back to my mind was
1. to buy happiness...
i realised that even though ppl proclaim proudly that materialistic wants cannot possibly make u more happy than spiritual wants... i realised that that is only just something we hold on to in order to sound like u are a notch higher than the others... that u are different... but e fact is most of us can't live w.o them... it has become our way of life... try living in bukit timah for a week & see if u can be truly happy, climbing trees, fighting with monkeys over bananas...

i am traditional... just freaking bloody traditional... it makes me have low self esteem...

i betray my friends... avoid me... i'm just a loner...

d.a.r.k.n.e.s.s.d.o.u.b.t.s.h.a.d.o.w

i smirked...
behind that sweet smile & gentle tone
i just smirked @ ur innocence...
maybe i'm the reincarnation of the devil...
who said humans were born kind...
or maybe some are...
i could just have killed u
if i had possesed a gun...
i see things not supposed to be seen
i hear things not supposed to be heard
i say things not supposed to be said.....
and here u say i am diplomatic...
i feel more like a schizoprenic...
i cannot define my stand...
i do things to bring ur hopes up
& then drop hints here & there to put doubts in u...
p.u.p.p.e.t

the day i point my gun @ u
is the day u realise that i was not who u thought u saw

i was fooling u all along...

sudden feeling of frustration...
i have lots of things nt done & it's piling on to my stress load....
christmas gives me headaches...
1. hcl pw project (DAMN U DAMN U OK!!!)
2. presents...
3. 3 tests & lots of damned homework
URGH... the sight of a croakoach just freak the nerves outta of me & is the catalyst for this whole chain reaction crap...
it sucks to be a santa clause of reality cus u are constrained monetarily & u dun have enuff time...

btw i was reading thru my past entries in open diary & i think i sounded... idiotic... it doesn't mean that i dun sound idiotic now... it's just that my idiocy has evolved to another level & perspective...

extract:

thoughtful...

8/16/2003

nicez day..nice weather...

watchin e repeat telecast of our country's ndp parade...dun really feel anything cause i'm not really a great fan of PAP, the political party of singapore. i'm just took more notice of this yrs parade cause our sch participated in it this yr! yeahs...i sort of miss the practice...though i'm juz a lousy reserve...i'll miss e days

mark lee is behaving stupidly on e screen...lame guy...

i just read a newspaper article about stress of students in s'pore, about suicide of 2 students.... i wonder if the kill themselves to escapre frm e problem or frm something else? i heard frm my sch mate that one of my classmate slit her wrist...weirdo..i wanted to do that lasy year but didn't haf e courage to do it...i sux as usual.

my thoughts are suddenly disrupted by mark lee screaming hysterically on e screen"HAPPY BIRTHDAY S'PORE"...darnz

suicide....ppl sae only weaklins do tt but i wonder... however..does death really solve everythin? or do u juz wanna run away...?

this was my second entry... my first entry sucked... not like this didn't... the only thing i liked abt this entry is the font.. someone just KILL ME...
anyway i did a analysis & this was what i found out of the 101 entries tt i wrote before switching to blogger.
1. almost every entry contained the name of a PRC scholar... egs. dwjj, zj, cj, zsr go figure
2. most entry was of how life sucked because of CLDDS & e lousy president
3. i wld constantly lamented abt my grades, because the fact is... i kept flunking my science & maths subjects. i wld lament at how the wrld is unfair, how the education system sucked... blah blah blah...

this is boring me...

~Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends.

~All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

i need a plan... a long term one to sustain me thru all this shit... it's nt helping tt i'm nt talking to anyone now... i dun feel like talking... i'm just authistic... not artistic.. URGH

damn it... i think i'm going to have a second asthma attack because of stress.. and it's during the HOLIDAYS!


philosphies dun save lives that are hanging on the line... to hell with the world...

- 借问路强吻女生 男子被咬掉舌头
- 白痴天才背书9000本不会穿衣
- 疯狂暗恋邻家女 痴男多次翻窗入户帮做家务
-男女网上热恋 相见竟是母子
- 窃贼摸上床 误认是老公 迷糊妇失身　淫贼被捕
- 美国老少配 37岁怀胎7月 嫁给15岁新郎

headlines...
this is are some of the more "interesting" ones tt i found admist other wierd headlines like 传北外处女率15.86% 北外回击称性行为率11% which did a survey on the no. of virgins... mankind & their sexual pleasures...

can someone define 'normal' for me?

i hate going to sch...
this is written on impulse...

answers... this has been on my mind ever since that conversation... it was what i saw... admist the seemingly never ending reasons u gave... answers to life...
i was @ fault... i'm srry... it was wrong of me not to stand in ur shoes to look @ this issue fairly... we are both lost & looking for answers... u found urs, & it is through u that i think i found mine... for now..
it is impossible to ask this of u... to be philosophical w.o it linking to religion... because religion is life itself... religion is abt the way we live & think... how could i have assumed otherwise...
soul searching... to search inside.. & see lots of questions.. although for now i'm sure tt i'm a atheist, i'm not sure if i will be in the future because no one is sure what will happen tml...
who knows a miracle might happen... or that the end of days may come?
treasure... to treasure every moment with u & nt regret... if there is, then learn from mistakes & let go...
i rmb vividly of how my fav form teacher told us how he converted to chirstianity... he said tt when he was a kid, he didn't believe in the existence of god. so he made a pact with god, that if he got full marks for his maths test he wld believe in him. and he did... i believed it was coincidence, he believed in god ever since...
to each his own... to be in someone else's shoes... as much as we hate ppl promoting their faith, have we stepped in their shoes & thought of how they felt... it takes 2 hands to clap... i've found only one hand so far, where's the other hand?
ppl hold on to the believe tt there is a better tml
i still hold on to the believe that there will be something to prove this religion true... a miracle or anything... i'm still waiting...

maybe the ans i have now are not the ans i've been searching for... but for now i'm contented... i feel strength with a strong belief... maybe that was what you wld have wanted me to feel too... i'm glad that u've shared :)

there's always something more to the obvious... u know it's always there... most of time it involves self discovery & alot of heart breaks... but what matters is that we come out a stronger person...

i am strong... because i've found what i want... or this is what i choose to believe...
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

u noe me... u don't noe me...
many faces.colourful masks.different facades
laughter.hysteria.i appear to be happy 24/7
scars.fears.darkness... hidden inside, now u see it, now u don't
i am who u see me, i fear e darkness, yet it is my best ally...
no.one.is.happy...4ever

harlow eArThLinGs, i Am iNvAdDer ZiM aNd i HaveE cOmE to InVAde uR PlaNEtT eArTh.. uR LaNd SucKs... gIVe ItT UpP! SuRRrEnDerR!!! WaVee ur FLAG!! MAUAHAHAHAHA... okok.... lame lame *bends down to find legs*

loves...
- cartoons (power ranger plus a whole lot of disney cartoons)
- children's department in shoppin centres (yes yes i haf no childhood)
- shoppin like a ah soh in e supermarket
- actin childish & lame
- eatin raw food (& hopefully die of fd poisoning)
- the darkness
- porn (heh XD okok jkjk)
- blue
- languages
- singing (& breaking window panes)
- my friends
- to think of life & its philosophies
- cedar (a sea of blue)
- Aspires to marry legolas, but will not be choosy if a
suitable candidate comes by..... reknown for using
violence on opposite sex though gender of self remains unknown
- my mei mei
to see u smile, to take away all ur fears, to feel loved...

hates
- irresponsible ppl
- ppl who treat me as a replacement
- ppl who don't repect my religious freedom
- ppl who act as if they have a IQ of infinity when in actual fact have a IQ of 0
- myself & my many disgusting habits

define urself... that is e question we ask ourselves everyday, who are we? what do we seek... define..
we wld love to have ans, most humans hate instability, they hate not knowing the ans...
i am who u define me to be, i am who i define myself... love me or hate me...
this is ur choice...
what do you see? what do you wish to see?

e.s.t.e.l.w.e.n.h.o.p.e
if all else fails hold on to the believe tt there is a better tml...
for even the smallest person can change the course of e future...


this is my friendster profile... but i dun feel comfortable putting depressing stuff dere so i took it down & posted it here... gahx...

因为有相聚，才有分离，
因为离别，才会有回忆
因为没有永恒，所以才珍惜
i think it was after i experienced my first big farewell in sec 4 did i know that eternity is not forever...
i realised recently tt i don't really have any post activity blues... even after the YVIP camp.. i didn't even feel a tinge of sadness, that this thing is going to end, that i shouldn't have done this or tt to piss my TF off, that i didn't manage to get a few more packets of packed lunch to make e money paid for this camp more worth it...
i felt N.O.T.H.I.N.G
it was as if a dream... a 4 days 3 nights dream where i became a blood bank for the mosquitoes infesting the corner of the classroom when i was slping dere @ night.
yet i hear ppl gushing about how well their trips went, what they did, who they bonded with blah blah blah... with msn nicks saying i'm missing this already, or declaring their undying love for the country they visited...
O.S.T.R.A.C.I.S.E.D.
this became my first entry not written in blogger @ 2am in the morning in the corner of the classroom while the others were sound asleep... that was the first day of my camp, where i felt really really depressed by something... the feeling of being ostracised by ur own friends just hurt too much... maybe i justed wanted badly to belong somewhere in a foreign situation, & was rejected right in the face by people who are my friends... i didn't understand this feelings... jealousy? distress? depressed? anger? miscommunication?
whispers... whispers & hidden singals that was just screaming @ me to back off... to just get out of their sight... that i didn't belong...
it just hurts to be alone at that point of time...
i found solace in the stairs next to nanyang's track... to stare at the stars & wonder about everything... to marvel @ the universe in comparison to ur tiny self... i just wished i could disappear....
why do you miss the trips so much? because there are regrets? becuase living in fantasy was better than living in reality? because what? why do u have to exclude ppl who didn't live in the same fantasy as u? do u hate us so much? what did we do to nt qualify to be part of ur "post" fantasy? because we remind u of reality? WHAT? just exactly WHAT?
i feel stupid writing "friends forever" cus i know it is just a damn bloody illusion & self assurance to u & ur friend tt things will last... "forever" is just stupid...
& yes i know i suck cus i "misunderstood" ppl.. i know that she's actually very nice to u & that i shld just go to fucking hell cus i hated her... i am SOO SOO SORRY... i'm going to harp on this.. to remind myself of what friendship meant to u & me... call me oversensitive or childish or wadever crap... there's a reason for me hating ppl... i saw rite thru them & their hypocritical shit... i saw them ostracise ppl so as to fight for power. the dirty tactics used to gain favour... the smirk behind that sweet smile... this is the big picture i saw... these were the shit that i had to bear with before i gave up trying being friendly to them... Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:43)
i am such a emotional wreck...
apologies btw are nt accepted for my grp mate... i believe in actions speaking louder than words... do smthing abt urself and dun apologise & giving promises which are in doubt... my letter of complaint to the SC in the forum meanwhile has been happily collecting cobwebs...

i see right through u... i see a picture of ugliness, a picture painted with hypocracy & deceptions... i see doubts & fears... i see... but i can't seem to see what i am searching for..

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

was shopping ard for angels today... i mean it.. that kind of angels with wings.. but cannot find.. it's either too big bulky & not to mention quite ugly, or it doesn't even look like a angel at all... now i know how hard it is to find angels..

i have camp tml... sighx... the only comfort is that eunice is my grp *hugs eunice* ... so much things not done...
1. stocktake
2. homework - lep
- history
3. forum for lep website
4. lep website
5. revision
6. lep project
7. econs project

i want my holidays back! this is basically crap cus i need a damn bloody long break to get my life back... i dun wanna sleep at like 4 plus going homework or the stuff i like cus i'll be just a walking corps the nxt day.. DAMN U the education system! DAMN U.

on a more positive note... i have plans to bombard the SC forum with tons & tons of moral & ethical questions & see how they tackle it...
1. what are the qualities expected of a SC? is responsibility a value that SC places importance on?

2. if yes, how do u explain for the lack of responsibility demonstrated by the majority of the SC?
egs. they are absent for lessons frequently, they claim to be the voice of the school yet do not unite the students in a single cause, they do not even fulfil their basic responsibility in other areas such as projects & claim SC activities to be the main reason for them being so busy..

3. how do you expect to maintain the student population's confidence in this SC board if you all don't do anything to lead the school? you have a suggestion box yes, but isit used often? are student's suggestions even taken into consideration? how do we know that it is taken into consideration by you all or the school?

4. we cannot even cheer properly, as seen from the very disheartening level of enthusiasm given by the students on the day of the v.ball competition held in toa payoh sports stadium. the students of course are also at fault for not being as enthusiastic but was anything done after that lousy cheering session to make sure that such a tragedy does not happen again? i don't see my class's SC asking my class what are the improvements that can be made... do you just leave it at this? so this is our level of pride for the school? we can't even cheer our school name in unison, so do we even have the right to call ourselves NYJCians? do we even have to right to say we have a school identity? are we even proud of our school?

5. has the SC done a evaluation of how popular this student leader body is with the school? what does the school think of the SC? do you guys even know?

am i being too harsh? i'm contemplating whether to paste this on the forum... which is kinda of empty now so i wanna spice it up with some controversial stuff... *evil laughs*

if there is anything i would like to do given a chance... i would like to be a pc for cedar... hahaha.. but then again... i would be too obsessed with pc activities to even study... how i hate having depressions... gahx.. lol

士为知己者死，女为说己者容...
以前曾对自己说过，做人要敢爱敢恨，勇往直前，潇洒走一回...
然而...有时候却发现,活着,而且有勇气的活着,其实并非想象中的那么容易...
常把"我敢!"这个两个字挂在嘴边儿,但却缺乏了真正的勇气...
发现其实我所追求的只不过是一时的快乐和刺激,也因为这错误的理想而使周遭的人受了伤,也使自己一直跌倒,但就是没办法找出挫败的原因何在...
不是一切事物都有让你选择的自由... 也就因为如此, "敢爱敢恨"也完全失去了意义...

trust is amazing... so is receptiveness... the willingness to accept... the willingness to be open...
to close urself to things is to just put urself at a disadvantage...
i think happiness comes from being open to things around you...
to condemn is to make urself feel tired... to feel jaded about this bloody damned world... because everything is bad to you....even if something is okay, u'll just wreck ur brains to find something bad to condemn...
u feel jaded... u wonder what's so gd about e world that makes u wanna live on...
u feel stupid cus u had thought that the world was a great place, where miracles existed, where love made it go round... that some humans are selfless...
maybe it's through all this condeming that u lose touch with what is good... u would instinctively feel that something is bad & not the other way round...
u loose ur ability to trust, to love... eventually u lose urself along the way...
i'm trying to find myself back... i'm trying hard & i won't give up.. cus i know it is only through myself that i can hope for a better future... that it is through myself that i can hope for a change in others...

to ask myself to be optimistic might be not get me to my aims... i guess to be open to things is the goal i'm truly aiming for...
i don't wanna hate people anymore... i don't wanna complain no more... i just wanna get on with my life... i just want to be happy...
i won't let go of sarcasm, nor my passion for things that tire me out....
to be open.... maybe it's then i can see things more clearly... then i won't be so quick to criticise, so quick to hate...

there's always something to be learnt from everything... maybe it's through experiencing things that i hate that i will learnt to walk my own path, that i will know more clearly the things i like... life is about self discovery... to know about urself... & to help others in the process... that's life... i think i love it... that's why i won't give up.... yet...
@__@

to backrow, PRCs, faith, weilian, jasmine, eehui... miss u guys...enjoy ur holidays..

~I will live in the hope for a better tml, to see miracles happen, to see love, trust... i will live in hope...

it was all glam & glamour as our "dear" principal retired after giving 37 years of herself to education... the ceremony lasted for 2 & a half hrs... i didn't shed a single tear...

~~~

it was just a simple farewell ceremony, wthout the prom & decorations that is expected of a principal who was cedar's miracle... the farewell lasted for an hr or so... i was drowning in my own tears...

~~~

see the difference? i don't know... but i felt it... deeply...
it was just a simple comparison b/w humble & proud...

---

~i can't blame her for being proud of her 37 years of "contribution" to singapore's education... but i'm just disgusted when i sat through her billingual ppt which flaunted to us her humble contributions to the chinese language education... oh wait... when did singapore have only a chinese teacher who is passionate towards the chinese language... she even went to the extent of attaching her sons email to substantiate her claims that she spent more time on the school then with her family... i just felt like carving the word "S-H-A-M-E-L-E-S-S" next to her name...
everything abt this ceremony was about her & her & her alone... it seemed like these achievments were purely because of her "talents & cpabilities"... the students were just backdrops to allow her to radiate out her "motherly glow"... the teachers were just tools who were guided by her "motherly hands"... somehow it sounded like dictatorship rather than partnership b/w the principal & the teachers...
AND! AND! AND!.... oh my gawwddd... she happily accepted a sash tt wrote this words... best principal... PULEASE!!! ... she is definitely not my best...
i agree what she did was amazing... like giving students a second chance, paying attention to classes with lower grades... but whao... she's not the only one who does all these amazing stuff... other principals did as well... it's just that she flaunted hers more...
everything just made me feel like pukin... i can't stand it when people flaunt shamelessly... it's just plain disgusting... it just makes ur contributions nothing as compared to those who contributed because they truly wanted to give... it makes me wonder what ur aims truly are... to help students? or to gain glory?

---

she refused to have anything associated with herself.... Cedar's achievements, Cedar's glory in the past 5 years... everything.... everything was possible because the school made it possible.. we.. the teachers.. the students.. she refused to sit on a VIP chair prepared specially for her because she said to accept such glorification would be unrealistic... we were already crying like crazy even before the event started... we did a song & dance item for her... self composed... because we wanted to give her something from our hearts... our present HPC made a speech, thanking her for the wonderful things she gave cedar within a short period of 5 years... the things she taught us, the wonderful experiences she shared with us... she always treated us as adults... to mould us into women of substance of character...
she didn't prepare a speech for us... but she went up to stage all the same... she told us that for once she shall not prepare something... but rather say it from her heart... she denied all accolates given to her... said that she didn't deserve all these because it wouldn't have been possible if it was a one way thing... she talked about her partnership with the staff of cedar, she recalled the times when she first entered cedar together with our batch & had to get use to our cheering... she admired our zest for life... she told us the frustrations she faced during this 5 years... she cried...we cried & laugh together in the hall as she told us everything & everything of what she has observed & learnt from us... with short "intermissions" in b/w so that she could clear her nose & she passed a remark saying that she didn't like to wear mascara... >.<>


Cedar soared.... all because of her... how come she doesn't flaunt her contributions like the other principal did... her encouragements always works... her philosophies about life... if there's anyway better to thank you, i'll remember them all... the system of suggestion box set up in cedar... the various changes made because of the school looking into these suggestions instead of the stupid metal box set up by the SC outside the canteen that grows cobwebs...
we have a starbucks corner, we have more colourful canteens & classrooms self decorated by students... extended library hours, with the libarian being much more humane & canteen operating hours being made longer... what more can i ask for...

change is the only constant... i'll miss you....

~Missing you~ (farewell song for ms leong)
All these five years
That we shared with you
The time we spent hearing you out over there

Through newspapers, character ed
We remember them all deep in our hearts

Bridge:
Thank you for your contributions to Cedar,
to Cedar
We will never forget what you have done

Chorus:
And so we are missing you lots
Miss you lots, miss you lots
Thank you for what you have done
Thank you for what you have done
And so we are missing you lots
Miss you lots, miss you lots
We love you so much so Ms Leong

Remember
The times which you joked,
Laughed with us,comforted us in distress
Fighting for a chance to heighten our growth
In leadership and exchange programmes

Remember
You motivate us
Telling us to pursue our biggest dreams

From ABCs,
To learn how to be gracious Cedarians
Who hold the Cedar flag high

Bridge
Chorus

yesterday was horrible.... no wonder i'm in a damn cranky & bad mood now... must be the after effects of the horrible performance. this is made worse by the fact that i've come into close contact with bimbos who are irresponsible, have lousy acting skills, are quite dumb in terms of common sense & basically act bimbotic like their lives depend on it. URGH..

but to look on the bright side, i managed to collect a whole bunch of lightsticks for my "kawaii" *pukes* little brother who now proclaims that he loves his da jie (of which now i have something to threaten him with) teehee
and...my gor has managed to owe me another lunch treat... basically he has accumulated a whole list of things which he has yet to really give mek a real treat so forget it... gahx

i realised that my wishlist for chirstmas is just to have a mp3 player >.< haha... my discman is screwed......... gahxxxxx... feel like robbing a bank

i think i'm breathing in second hand cigarette smoke... why must all bosses smoke? stupidddd

i shall do a evaluation of the farewell during lunch time! MUAHAHA


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come