Friday, July 07, 2006

a little more selfish, a little less selfless...

i don't think i've changed much

i think i've changed much

i think i know alot

i don't think i know alot

these questions, tt i've been asking myself since... let's see, 2005?

i'm losing track of time already. it seemed like yesterday since i entered jc, & it seemed like i was stuck in jc forever. time passes slow as i have to deal with hypocrites backstabbers & manipulators. sometimes i wonder if ppl who are extremely naive survive through all this.... or maybe i'm the naive one too.

i waste 90% of my time thinking how much i've changed since 2005. it's nt tt i wanna praise myself, i just wanna know my progress, how much have i changed? for e better? for e worse? how much more can i change? am i still as emotional? am i still very selfish?

somehow, along the way, looking at ppl's blogpost, i've refused to give comments, because i simply feel tt i've lost e right to comment. i've lost interest in reading abt other ppl's rant abt thier life, their discoveries, their fears... u're right, i don't care as much as before. looking back i realised how much 1 incident has changed me & e way i look at myself for helping ppl. i didn't realise it. i was hurt maybe, for a couple of days when i realise i was so naive & stupid to think tt ppl will be there for u when u go all out to help them & tell them they are loved. that ppl won't backstab u when u trying to hold on desperately to ur life & stay afloat while at e same time trying to help ppl stay afloat as well. tt was when i decided u live in this world to make urself happy, nt to make others happy so tt u will be happy. no one lives for u. no one in this world is selfless so forget abt trying to act like one.

ppl didn't realise how much tt meant to me, & i didn't realise how much it mean to me too. & u expect me to tell u what happened when i didn't even know what exactly went wrong. & u promised to be there. rite... or maybe i'm just being selfish again, blaming everyone for my mistakes...

maybe i'm just making a moutain out of a molehill, i always do tt don't i? i'm just nt resilent enough to be manipulated. forget it honestly, why shld i help ppl for? to let them backstab me? to let them step on me? why shld i do this to myself, let myself suffer in silence? honestly, i don't know. hahahhahah

maybe i shld change my blog add so tt ppl don't read this depressing post & think i'm at it again, teenage angst. there is no perfect friend... honestly. i shld just forget abt finding one. because friends are humans & humans are flawed. so honestly, i think i'm happy with what i have. i'm happy to have a bunch of ppl to laugh & go all out to do crazy things. i'm happy to be accepted by a minority as who i am even though they know tt there is more to it then e surface. i'm happy to have ppl to confide in, to have ppl to tell me it's ok. i'm just nt happy with how i'm looking at & dealing with all these stuff.

if i told u i have this intense hatred for something tt it cannot be explained & it cannot be solved. wld u believe me?

life goes on, & it's only gonna make me strong...

No comments: