ever wonder what i'm thinking during the exam period?
haix... some outdated entries... enjoy

24th September 10.41pm
Something happened last night…
It made me think, it made me stop wallowing in self pity for a while…
“I keep attracting weird people”
Weird is by definition of a stupid dictionary, not normal
Then what is normal?
People who don’t think of killing themselves once in a while?
People who don’t cut themselves everywhere?
People who don’t think that god is a damn weird thing living up there or anywhere?
People who do not try to find definitions for life whenever something happens?
In short, people who go by the book.
The natural rule of life or supposedly this rule set down by our ancestors, dictating that thou shall not lie, thou shall not cheat, thou shall not be a lesbian or a gay…
What other ‘thou shall’s did they set down?
Life should never be defined by the book or defined by what is normal.
As everyone has observed, everyone is different. Maybe some similarities here & there but never a photocopy of each other. Like our fingerprints. Then if everyone is different, who is say that this behaviour is normal or not? We scream to each other everyday about creativeness, about thinking out of the box… then why do we then set rules to define ourselves?
In fact if we follow the rules set down by the “law of nature” we would have been perfect beings. And honestly, I think being perfect is cool & sucky at the same time. because we would all be the same, same thoughts, same feelings, just a different outer appearance. I would never have known that these names, junjie, zhuang jing, Julia, Melissa, faith, weilian etc meant or represented. To me they would have been another human being living in this world together with me. life is a book with blank pages, to live a life is to pen down the contents of the book. As to what u wish to write, u decide…

30th September 9.29pm
Oh lala
2 language papers over. left with 2 more. Half way through I keep telling myself… u’re almost there… hmm
not yet if u count the days we have to live in agony and in suspense because of results & blah…
this feeling nudging at my heart but I’m ignoring as best as I can. Smile laugh be crazy even if it scares all the guys away. Who knows the next day u might be blown away by a hurricane. I’ll be chewing on a sugar cane…
I was looking through my cedar photos recently, smiling widely at the damn fond memories and crazy life we had…. Our lovely Mr ronnie goh who’s haha… schizophrenic (according to our phys rep) later I get sued by him. Lolx. Open house is coming soon. I wonder what I would say if parents or juniors come up to me asking innocently, “is Nanyang nice?” I tried to picture this scenario, and I tried to lie, I tried to churn out of a few nice & politically correct answers like, Nanyang is a school which makes me feel at home, nanyang is a school which lets me develop my potential, nanyang is a school where I can feel safe even in the toilets because I’m sure the ventilator cannot be accessed easily, (or really? What that’s piece of tissue covering the ventilator ) nanyang is a school where mature thinking is cultivated… (ohhh… mature thinking… which idiot came up with the idea of locking the side gate at the most obscene periods of time to prevent… erhum… future breech of security.) nanyang is not everything to me, because if it is, I won’t be wondering if my life would be better elsewhere..
Of cos I meet nice people here, but I meet nice people everywhere. The world has it’s fair share of good & bad people, circles and squares. I realized nanyang made me see the real world more clearly. Because it is undeniably a non top 5 jc. i see more sorts of people. With different backgrounds, different family situations… in cedar, it is almost the same for everyone, parents who earn quite a sum, happy families, the kind of families being encouraged by the government.
In cedar, the principal talks nice… of course, she graduated from oxford. She has links in MOE, she got us into ndp, got us ndp tickets…. All these little countless things she planned for us, the experiences we gained…. Life could never be better... The teachers were great, many of them left the school together with us, to be replaced by new teachers who’s passion for teaching is in doubt. The spirit is still quite strong when we left, but now I heard that sadly, the pampered lower secs don’t cheer anymore. Maybe we need to take a look at what kind of kids we’re breeding now… more self centered than group orientated. Flaming of blogs and created a fake email account under a person’s name u don’t like and spreading defaming notes about her until a parent threatens legal action, then she goes around giving crocodile tears. She never came on Friday to apologize to the girl as promised. I see the ugly side of the younger generation, I was utterly appalled.
My teacher said that I have the ability to look at the big picture…. To what extent do u agree with this statement?
I won’t be missing cedar if I looked at the big picture and tell myself that all this is part of growing up. I saw a picture of just the classroom block and I started tearing… tell me what is this feeling inside?
I doubt I can go on… I was doing lep paper today in the exam hall and for once I was thinking to myself, what am I doing to my love for Chinese? So cliché..
Let’s do a word count 649
Congrats, u have read 649 words of crap…
Did I tell u? my internet is screwed so if u read this, it’s outdated… hur hur hur

3rd oct 2005 12.41am
later in the day is history paper… I’m just a dead piece of shit
I whine… I’m damned scared… ppl say u don’t really talk about ur greatest fears… I’m here trying to tell everyone they’ll be ok but I don’t believe in it myself.
I wanted to msg ron and like complain and whine to him cus I’m sure he’s the most damn free person I’ve ever met…
I wanted to msg Julia and Melissa & tell them my fears cus they’ll always know what to say…
I wanted to msg junjie and tell her abt my lep paper…
I wanted to msg faith or weilian but they’ll be having hist later as well so yar…
Now…
Let me rest in peace….
Shall study some more… and pray really really hard…
I will never ever get retained!
*u’re right…*

3rd Oct 2004 11.47pm
hist paper sucked… ok lar… better than lep but still haix…
can’t I have a paper where I can confident that I will pass? Damnit… such is the life of a jc student
I am once again blocked out from my OWN SCHOOL with the side gates locked… damn u the school administration… damn u!
Did I tell u? my temperature now is 36.8 degree Celsius.. I rmb I used to have temperatures nearing 37.3 degrees cause I always slept late… hurhur.. I miss belle.. *pokes*
Things to look forward to after my promos before I get back my paper
Sincerely pray and hope that there is a god… lamer…
Go out with my sis! Yeah! I love going out with my ning… there’s this mutual understanding of where to walk and how to walk around in the shopping mall… I can’t describe but I love this feeling… it’s stress free! I love my mei! Hahaha! Sis power!
play with my brother… erm… like flaunt to him abt my red alert skills or maybe if my net is working again, then maple leaf… although I’m just a newb… bleahx… I shall learn from ee hui!!!
spend time with back row… I miss my clique… not really a clique but still a close bunch of people I hang out with and have fun “suan”ing each other..
msg my dear scholars… junjie, zhuang jing, chen jing, jiang lai… haix… I miss u guys!
hang out with faith & weilian… these 2 aep people will drive my nuts but I will have fun making faith say with elaborated tone “I… hate… u…, simin” and then I’ll go hur hur and then weilian will blush crazily when we link her together with William and then she’ll try to get me to pair up with my gor who is her childhood friend (dun noe whether is lover or not..haha! Eugene!!!!)
go out with 1st 3 mths a7a gang… siying! I miss u!!! and Eunice and Thomas! Radhiah and faezah! Lolx… fun gang!
read books… nerd… I still have to clear up my newspaper stack… damn… reading will be nice…
watch anime! Conan and shaman king here I come!
write letter to liu chang! Buy prezzie for her!
Can’t think up of anything… I guess I just need to catch up on my sleep… I have pimples all over my face… it’s disgusting… lol… next up we have econs paper! Tada! My most crazy and lousy paper…
Just 1 more paper!!!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh… sorry… just wanted to make my entry look longer… >.<
Oh did I tell u? nanyang sucks…

4th October 2005
9.19pm
they say that before u die, ur life flashes before u….
I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks recently… a lot… I wonder if I’m dying too…
Maybe I’m getting paranoid and overly superstitious…
Last night I kept wondering if I had kidney failure because I was constantly visiting the bathroom
Before that I resorted to asking my kid brother whether I will be retained or not… he asked me what is retain. I told him don’t ask… just say yes or no… he smiled and said yes… I nearly died…
I just wish there is a sign… to tell me how well/lousily I did for other papers…
The flashbacks… and the dreams…
I kept running away… in different dynasties… in different places…. It’s kinda of dramatic but the themes are all the same… I was running away from something… I am just overwhelmed with this fear…
Maybe that’s what I do in real life as well…
I am so scared……
Everyone is…

5th October 2005 5.51pm
counting down… 2 more days….
Dun feel like studying… damnit…
Farewell coming up… I hope it is good… gor wants a dry run before the actual day…hmmm… oh well… I guess there’s this sense of anticipation.. after all we put so much effort into the planning… just hope it ends well…
I hope I get to play with my neopets soon… I forgot what other accounts I have… lolx..
Random entry… void of thoughts…
I can’t wait for fri!!!!

6th October 4.40pm
Singapore’s school are now having this trend! Didn’t know? Look around u and u’ll see every school promoting “zi lian”nism. Students are given a chance to tell others how responsible, how capable, how versatile, and even better, be proud of how humble they are… a recent gossip heard was when this campaign was being taken up by students in the LTC interview… where a instructor in training was asked whether she is humble or not, she promptly declared : “ YES CHIEF!” maybe oxford should change their definition of humble…
And thanks to this fad, we are now having “better” prefect councilors, “better” student leaders to lead our next generation to a “brighter” future..
yes… the future has never seemed so bleak before… “zi lian”nism used to be such a vulgar word, now students are loving it… u have irresponsible prefects who break school rules like nobody’s business, u have student leaders who think that they are a notch better than the rest because of just a position but w/o any credits. Sadly, “zi lian”nism is now often being confused with confidence… in fact, words seem to speak louder than actions now… there are people who go around boasting abt their talents but they turn out to be just faggots who are more interested in impressing people than doing their real job… since when did entertainment & lying became their top priorities?
People now are being encouraged to promote themselves… we no longer place as much attention on nominations by the public. We see an increasing number of potentials being left out, to be replaced by people with all talk but no action. It is no wonder why our standards are going down…
That’s sad… really really sad…

7th October 12.43am
莫名其妙…激动…感激…
多六个小时吧…
多六个小时,我就把一切交给命运了…听起来很傻吧,我这个傻蛋不信神不信鬼,却相信命运和缘分…也许是心里需要一个能让我了解那些难以解释的巧合吧… 已经快读不下了.自从看到朋友哭后,我的心也塌下来了… 就是很勉强的逞着.觉得自己的华文水准很可笑.我也不想在去努力了.听天由命吧…
很想快点和朋友团聚,我已经受不了着陌生的地方了.我就是觉得这一年来,除了逃避,我也做过任何有建设性的事儿…
心存感激…
是因为交了几个好朋友…虽不算多,但知足常乐吗...觉得他们给我真的是太多了.要是怀念过去,感觉上象是辜负了这些人所给我的幸福感…
我读过一本书,叫作<在天堂里遇见的五个人> 作者说,我们唯一浪费时间的时候,就是当我们觉得自己是世界上最孤独的人.
我知道我不孤独…
但是心里难免在心情感到最低落的时候感到寂寞…
自从考完第一份卷子的时候,我就一直在祈祷… 一直守着一盏叫做 “希望” 的灯, 不给它熄灭…
我还逞着呢…
为了明年,我还得逞着,我必需逞着…



~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come