if there is anything that i rmb most clearly from my pri sch days, it was this quote that my christian friend wrote behind our class's graduation photo
"do your best, God will do the rest."

it was simple, yet it made alot of sense to me, even till today...
it is something i still believe in, even though i'm nt a christian, nor a believer of god...

believe it or not, life is a choice, every single choices make up ur life & the path which u wish to pave for urself... after going through so much & making so many friends suffer because of my selfishness, manipulation & depression, i've learnt that depression is not a thing forced onto us because of our inability to cope with stress. it is because we choose to let the factors leading to depression take over us, it is because we keep running away, it is because we are selfish that we not only let ourselves suffer but others suffer too... & to think we had this noble aspiration of carrying the burden by ourselves & nt troubling our friends with our crap, we end up giving them a bigger burden, a burden of helplessness for not being able to help our friend. a burden of fear because we want very much to know what is happening, yet denied of the information by the very people we call friends.

are we truly helping?

there are times where i wish there was more i could help with, but i realised that even with the best councillors & the best friends in the world, the only & final difference u can make is to take the final step urself & overcome ur fears, ur depression. there is only so much a friend can help, because we can't read ur mind, we can't totally understand ur fear.... because everyone is so different that the only think we can do is try to understand, & to assure u time & again that we'll be there for u...

i used to whine that nobody understood me, that i was always misunderstood, that people are not trying hard enough to help me.. i wanted more attention, more help... i was greedy, & was never happy. i wallowed in self pity, i thought it was stupid to pretend to be happy or to be even happy cus my friends wouldn't care as much if i become happy. it was so fake to pretend to be happy, or that everyone would go away if i became happy again.
now i look back, and i saw a girl who refused to choose happiness because of some selfish reasons. that i was seeking for a form of happiness that fed on attention seeking, acting pitiful & getting depressed so as to get my friends to comfort me & assure me time & again that they care.
i wasn't honest with myself, i refused to admit to the fact that i am acting pitiful. the only thing i saw at that point of time was, i am in pain, how come nobody bothers to care? how come nobody understands? i want to die because everything is stupid, because i don't want to face this pain, but i don't have the courage to kill myself...

there is always someone out there who is always willing to help u, it's just that u're not fully aware. if people are really realistic or have selfish reason such as only wanting to make themselves feel better & thus force u to say i'm fine, they would rather do something else like ignoring u totally....

it boils down to choice, & to given this choice is to be given the power to shape ur own destiny. no one understands urself more than u do so no one is more appropriate to help u than u urself. there is never a word impossible in the dictionary of human beings, it is there to tell us that there is no such thing as impossible... that unless u prefer to be sad for ur entire human life, u either choose to do something about it instead to saying u can't or that u've tried & failed so there is no use trying... if u fail, try try & try again cus u never know when that success might just be there the nxt time u try... believe me, there is always someone out there who wish to see u smile from the bottom of ur heart... that i will be happy for u, nt because i've felt better but because i know that u've grown to become a stronger person...

by living, u're given 2 simple choices, to stand facing the sun so u may never see the shadow, or to stand against the sun & living in shadow always.. i know it is never as simple as it sounds... but why bother making it complicated?

and with this i wish u true happiness, my friend. c'est la vie