i just read thru faith's archives & i feel so depressed suddenly....

life is a continual search for self, for self for self for self....
i've been repeating this god damn bloody sentence for who knows how long & u could most probably find traces of it in other entries as well, wouldn't u?

who am i...

i asked faith recently if i was still the same since J1, she gave me this very comforting reassurance that i'm still the same old me... den who is me?

why do i fucking see sunsets everyday? i don't know... i keep having this feeling that i'm on a spinning top, that i'm just going round & round in circles & that my emotions are just horrible cus i can't seem to control them no matter how hard i try... i don't know what is going on... just lessons everyday, going high & crazy & making everyone think i'm just a lep full time clown, like getting linked to weihao wasn't enough & now i'm being linked to jiasheng.... not that i mind really... i mean in the name of fun... i really don't mind... it's just that i wonder if i'm a slut sometimes...

am i still the same when i first entered jc? what was i like when i entered jc? how am i like now? am i getting so depressed that i'm affecting those around me as well? am i not spending enough time with my friends? i'm really really sorry faith & weilian & eehui... i just am really really sorry & i really wish i could just eat lunch with u guys & talk crap & gossip but... i don't know... i'm childish god damnit...

i'm just being reduced to a aimless studying machine, staying in the lep room blasting music in my ears 24/7 in a pathetic attempt to let myself not be destracted by anyone coming in... i hate econs i hate chinese i hate gp i hate fucking nyjc cus econs gives wrong inaccurate information, my gp teacher doesn't know what he's teaching, my history teacher hates me cus i don't do my work, my econs teacher hates me cus i ponned her lesson twice... i hate going to places where i feel lost & stupid & crap... i am so stupid cus i keep failing test and i so deserve it cus i didn't study...

i need sleep even though i've bee sleeping at 12 instead of 4am, i still feel damn tired & lethargic... i feel guilty cus i can't help my friends & i feel so out of touch with them... i am really really so sorry.... i know u guys must be so stressed now and i really wish i could be there to lend u a listening ear.... i'm really sorry.... jiayou


.... my top stops spinning....