ok i've been tagged by faith & jasmine... so i get to write 16 points? *grins* okay okay... shall not be greedy... X)

The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover. Need to mention the sex of the target. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their pages saying they've been tagged. If tagged the 2nd time, there's no need to post again.

sex: either male or female or gay(grins @ weilian) ... ok on second thoughts, male would be better...

1. is taller than me (or ard my height)
(not that i can't stand short guys but i'm short enough so any one shorter than me would be a dawrf so a big NONO to dwarfs)

2. camaraderie
there's this thing abt mo qi that i cannot explain... it makes me feel secure because both of us know what we plan to do next & thus find ways to accomodate each other... it also mean that the channel of communication between us is open and that there are no secrets, no doubts, no fears.... i guess that would be the best)

3. someone who knows me better than i know myself...
it would be nice to have someone to guide me when i feel lost... i feel lost most of the time anyway... gahx

4. great sense of humour....
i'm fine with humour, in fact, i love humour... hot or cold, lame or not lame... just make me laugh, do stupid stuff like my dad does like throwing candles into coconut trees at void decks & nearly causing a fire X) or maybe using a butterfly net to catch fish in any place that has water... dun get me wrong, i dun want guys that are permanent members of the woodbridge hospital club... just a moderate sense of humour...

5. able to surprise me...
do romantic stuff like proposing to me by bringing a amplifier to my void deck, & then projecting his voice to e 13th floor, screaming:"SIMIN I LOVE U!" (doesn't that sound like what i usually do in e lep room? heh)
-_-"ok... not to that extent but yar surprise me, baby...

6. 稳重
ok i dun noe what is it in eng really... but yar... someone who doens't flirt around like birdbrain, someone who can resist temptations, someone who is not very easily affected by others... has his own opinion, someone who is mature & doesnt flaunt his talents (yes circle & square shld die...) yeah...

7. someone who accepts me for the way i am, no matter how i was in the past or will be in the future.... (isn't that romantic? *drools* okok i know it's cheesy...)

8. my best friend...
ok... i guess this is hard to explain... i don't expect the guy to be like perfect or anything, i mean he's human.. but as long as we can be of companionship to each other (ok... this phrasing sounds weird....) it doens't have to be either of us talking all the time... just the presence & knowing that both of us will be there for each other no matter what would make me the luckiest woman/transexual/lesbian/gay/human alive....

and i realised that after listing out all this points... i rather marry faith then anyone else... maybe for now... haha

forever love... asakura yoh

8 ppl who must do this
1. moi sis
2. jiasheng ge (okay omit the "ge")
3. ee hui
4. siying
5. justina
6. radhiah
7. -
8. -

do u feel loney?
sometimes..
maybe..
i don't know...

self discovery... i wonder when this journey ends cus my patience is short, & my determination is nt very strong too...
if u ever think of urself as a hypocrite, than i am too.... who doesn't put on a mask? tell me...
it's just that some mask are more complicated...

and i realised that i've gone into hibernation mood since the beginning of this year... cus it's been a while since i bothered to do character anaylisis... somehow i've just come to accept them as they are, if they don't bother me, i'll like them, if they piss me off, i'll just stay away from them....

yeah... oh well...

this is the best day i had since the start of... hmm... last week?

first great thing that happened today
me & faith sat outside her hist classroom & we started gossiping & i learnt of the most horrible of truth my whole entire life... okay lame but i had a good laugh as in literally wanted to scream & strangle my darlin fiance... later we were joined by 2 guys/gays which we had fun insulting...

second great thing that happened today
me & zhixin started doing e most lame stuff that 1 can imagine, ok it's nt zhixin fault cus i was the one who started this insanity... well u see she sort of went abit gahgahx after hearing the opening part of jj's song with jj saying sarang heyo in a very low husky voice. being the kind hearted & a very model citizen, i started repeating the sarang heyo part of continuously so that my dear comrade can get her fill of jj's husky sarang heyo... guess both of us basically went instantaneously insane as we laughed our heads off...

i haven't laughed so happily for a while... most of the time is just insane madness laughter that is meant to generate noise & cause public disturbance..

btw, i don't get it when someone asks y someone can seem to smile/laugh 24/7, isit because he/she has no troubles whatsoever...
is this supposed to be a stupid question? i'm srry but i think it's irritating cus it's damn lame to just look at someone at face value & it's just impossible to be trouble free...the assumption itself is just plain stupid. or maybe it just irks me that people are unable to understand ppl who are high most of the time... they either think these ppl don't eat their medication properly, is an reincarnation of a clown, is insane & shld aviod at all cost plus all other rubbish. i'm srry but i've been a victim of such "discrimination"

& i always have this impluse to blog after every session tt is attented by this honourable guest, vip aka very idiotic piece (of shit). how does it feel to have words put into your mouth by some asshole? how does it feel to have ur answers copied by others & to be rephrased in such a horrible form tt u can just go bang ur head against the wall & die... this is made more irritating when someone wants to share their personal experience & she keeps interupting to add very stupid/bimbotic/lame comments tt is totally not needed... for all i care, pls fuck off & die.

i've also found out tt the reason behind me not being able to connect with a certain grp of ppl is with us having very different mentalities & looking at things from a very different angle, there is no common understanding, thus the inability for us to click together... but trust me, they're nice ppl, just tt some of us prefer on insisting whether or not the RMB60 was paid as promised...
@__@

idealism & reality don't mix... idealism exist in ur dreams, with those striving for it failing terribly... idealism is a form of self escapism. reality is here, now.

come idolise my blog....
*bow to me**bow to me**bow to me**bow to me*
u'll be amused what i named this pict... *points to zx* *grins*

o.O

ok i'm cranky...

and i just realised my class is not the only one with weird ppl like birdbrain or ppl with verbal diarrhoea....
god damn it how much i love jc life and her ppl...

i like zhixin's reflection on her blog... it is thought provoking...

but i guess i've immuned myself to this line : ppl do change...
maybe it's because i don't care, or maybe it's because i do care so i dun wanna face it...

and sometimes it freaks it out alot/makes me very very depressed when i feel that i've changed... let's say... for the worse...

resolutions:
1. shutup
2. act dumb
3. dun comment on ppl
4. stop getting high
5. stop screaming...

yes i know... all these can be summarise in 2 words... shut up...

we have our own ways with dealing with ppl, some choose silence as a form of defiance, some choose a sudden outburst of emotions, go gah gah & then becoming "normal" to continue hiding who they want to hide...

i still don't understand faith's theory that "Every time you are emotional, you are your strongest and your weakest." because i know that since my 2 to 3 emtional outburst in nyjc has been my greatest shame & is something i wish to forget & something i do not wish to go through again... yes it is painful... trust me on that...

my tuition teacher believes that no one should wear a mask to hide his her true self...
yet i feel that to not wear a mask makes urself very very vulnerable, because that is who you are, and that should something bad happen that is directed at ur personality, you still have somewhere to hide... it never pays to be too frank because admit it, most ppl can't take criticisms, few ppl likes to go around saying sorry because we're too concerned about our image...

if anything goes wrong in relationship or if we happen to drift apart, the only thing i can say is that we're never meant to be...

the memories with you, i've always cherished... even till today...

想问问你，还记得你对蓝色的钟爱吗？你说，蓝色象征着纯洁，象征着无限的包容和温暖，就像蓝天，大海，宽阔无边。蓝色象征着刚中带柔。你要我记得，蓝色就象征着我俩的友谊，也提醒我要坚强，要懂得在适当的时候放下心中的担子，好让自己喘口气，让自己开心。你要我明白，不管我们以后发生什么事，只要这世上有天空，大海，有蓝色，就不许我说我是孤独的，因为你会永远的伴着我，不让我再孤独了。
have there ever been points in you life where u wished that you could back track & go back to who you were before...
maybe it's because i'm hating myself more...
have there been points in you life where you wished that you've never met someone?
that because the relationship has become so complicated that even you loose sight of it & pray very hard that it was as simple as before...
how much do you mean to me? how much do i mean to you?how much have u changed my life? how much have i changed ur life?
do we even know? or do we even care? there are somethings that we don't know, that we wish so much to get an ans but the search for it so far has been futile...
there are moments where i felt this impulse to confess, & yet was held back due to numerous reasons...there were alot of this moments....

and i wish i knew why...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

天地者，万物之逆旅；光阴者，百代之过客
my special thanks to miaoyu for enlightening me =)

i haven even started studying & i'm tired... btw i'm currently addicted to the song that jasmine sent me quite a while ago... Life -Yui
hehe * goes high*

i wonder why isit that i don't feel left out in all other grps of ppl that i go out with yet instead i feel most left out when i'm with this particular grp of ppl whom i used to hang out with...
isit because there's something wrong me? or with these people i used to hang out with?
there's always this constant reminder that i'm nt part of them... that even though sometimes they do attempt to include me inside, i still feel very much left out... or maybe it's because of our difference in personality...

i haven talked to myself for a while *yes i'm schizoprenic..*
why is there a tendancy for ppl to stayin cliques instead of being alone? because u're afraid of being alone?
sometimes the loneliest person in the world is not the one who is alone by himself most of the time but instead is surrounded by ppl & noise.
i read this line from some chinese essay like 5 years back? i dun know but it left a deep impression on me... i used to think that i'm the most lonely & pathetic soul alive, even though i was constantly surrounded by people... then i realised what made me feel lonely was nt because i didn't have enough people to crowd my social circle... it was because i didn't feel secure enough, that i couldn't trust my friends enough to know that even though they are not there for me in person, that they'll always be there for me when i needed them...

i'm watching a lame show where e gurl acts weak & goes gah gah over this stupid guy... then she wants the guy to hug her until she slp & all this rubbish like cannot live w.o the guy likedat
god can someone kill this producers? it's just teaching gurls all this wrong mentality which is just plan disgusting....

if there's anything i want to do now, it is to stand in the middle of the bloody field & scream

SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!!

o.O

chee is nt in sch today...
yes i am depressed for no reason... emotional mood swings.... gahx....
and now i start missing everybody...i feel like a dancing chicken *no link* hohoho

i wonder if there would be less suicide cases if each of us had a device that could measure how many ppl thought of us today... maybe we would be more aware of how much we're loved by others that we wont do selfish acts tt hurt those who think of u everyday... maybe if we're more aware of how much we're being loved that we won't feel so lonely & think that nobody cares when u feel depressed for no godamnit reason...

does a observant person equates to maturity? do u think i'm childish?
i am who i think i am... it makes alot of sense if u look at it from the point of self respect, but then if i don't think of myself as childish, does tt mean i'm mature? or maybe it's my insecurities that make me feel so small & abandoned sometimes...

if u're wondering why there are suddenly 3 more entries in my blog but with different dates, tt's because i'm being banned from the net at home, & for those know what e hell i'm talking abt, my mum has kept my modem wire... *gahx*


have been glued to the tv & watch torino winter olympics figure sakting pairs...
yes i love ice skating, just that i can't move on the stupid bloody ice... so i'd rather watch people skate...
it's just amazing to watch people fall down & get up again within a split second & lietrally fall with grace... i really can't image myself in their position cus i'llk most probably fall flat on the ice... or even if i do get up, i'll most probably screw up the rest of the moves....
maybe it's simply because of their amazing ability to just get up so quickly to continue with their routines that amazes me & keeps me glued to the screen with my mouth literally agape... no matter how bad they felt at that point of time, no matter how embarrassed they felt after falling ungraciously from a flip, they just stand up & continued like nothing happen, keeping the smile on their faces like as if the fall didn't matter to them at all...

aim for the moon, should u ever miss, u'll fall amongst the stars....

Dear XXX,
I guess there's a lot I want to say...
But most importantly, I wanna know who I am...
But the problem is now I can't ask people as to who I am, for they will not tell the whole truth or that they do not have the answers to which I seek.
I will need to observe what the others feel about me...
But from what I feel I think they're just okay with my presence...
Yet observations may be wrong too, for I may be too sensitive or that I may be too anxious & see only what I want to see...
For u see herein lies the problem, for I cannot trust myself to be rational, I cannot trust my own judgement...
Does that lie with me feeling inferior? Or with me lacking self confidence?
These are the things I wish to get answers
These are the things I wish to get guidance...
For I want to improve myself...
There is this feeling telling me that I've stopped improving a while ago, that is pushing me to move forward...
Have I become complacent?
I just feel that I've been asking the same questions & looking in the same places for answers for too long... that this search has become meaningless to me...
I wish to know where I have gone wrong...
frustration...

I need guidance...

Yours sincerely,
estelwen

Do not ask what the world can do for you, but instead ask what u do for the world...
I guess this was what has been bothering me since my friend told me abt his theory of friendship...
Maybe true happiness & trust comes nt frm my friends meetin e long list of expectations set for them by me but rather what I can give to them in return for this basic thing they've given me...friendship
Nothing is 100%, it's no use being an idealist in this real realistic wrld cause u wld b measurin everythin against a ideal world tt is impossible to achieve... u would gain nthing but instead cost urself & ur friend of this bond... u wld be actively seeking for a complete trust while ur friend wld be trying their best giving u all of their trust...
I've learnt there is nothing called complete, there's nothing called perfect... shld I say tt I have a friendship with someone which I deem is ideal... it wld be because I wld have regarded e flaws as part of this picture tt we aim to create... nt because tt there is a total trust in each other...
Every human has their own secret fears & desires plus a whole lot of crazy emotions tt a lot of ppl will nt understand shld we attempt to publicly display them... many people r nt what u see, even for those do nt have double personalities, u wouldn't see the whole of them... I don't know... but I guess I've always equated 100% trust to no privacy... because I know tt there will always b things tt people will nt understand no matter how hard u try to explain to them because of different mindsets... these r e things I rather keep to myself, tt I rather bear rather than letting them strain relationships with people...
I wld rather stay in a relationship where there is no 100% trust but rather a significant lvl of trust which I'm comfortable with...
I guess it's too each his own...

Someone asked me whether if I felt lonely nt showin e other side to ppl... whether it felt lonely to be misunderstood as a crazy no image bitch/slut/flirt...
I couldn't give her an ans... even till today... maybe it has become so much a part of me tt I didn't know when this multiple personality thing started... I've just become so comfortable actin crazy tt I can't b who I am when I'm alone... (& I guess it's also one of the reasons why my blog entries are so different from who I portray myself to be on the outside)
I do keep a lot of things to myself I guess... like I would never ever tell anyone of my crush unless the crush is out of my life, like u wld nvr know how many ppl I actually used to detest in NYJC, like u wouldn't know how much I hate myself after goin thru a crazy routine of getting high & low & high & low in emotions...
Maybe it's because I don't want to have a final image of the person yet... maybe I just wanna remain neutral & look blur & dumb...
Or maybe it's because I'm damn sarcastic? Tt I actually do say what I feel but thru hidden meanings in sentences?
Can someone tell me what's wrong with my personality now?

i proudly conclude that i'm a introvert....
unlike e rest of e ppl, i can't just go up to any senior that i don't know & start talking....
or maybe it's because of my freaking headache that make me so dizzy & so tired...
i always have this feeling that my brains are being mashed up inside e skull when i have a headache... hehe
maybe it's because of the crowd that my sense of loneliness is being amplified... as everyone gathered in groups to talk abt university & stuff.... i find it kinda of weird... i'm just like staring at everybody from outside a glass box or smthing...
just invisible...
sooo... that's why maybe i'm a "S"...
why am i even bothered by this?

cedar got it's first top scholar! i guess that's the best present that we can give ms leong as a farewell gift....

yes v day is coming... my perfect v day gift would be 2 movie passes to brokeback mountain *grins*
jking lar.... i haven even watch memoirs of a geisha yet...
i still regret nt being in baiyungang *cries* but yeah... shall study & catch up on my slp

maybe it's because i am only an I to e ppl i know.... sometimes i just love the feeling of being invisible... to just observe everyone... to just exist without existing at all....

before i being....

JASMINE!!!!!
MY DEAR DEAR ECHIZEN JASMINE!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
may all ur wishes come true & may ur path be filled with ryoma plushies/tennis rackets & happiness always!!! *grins*

u know... the cutest thing about faith is that she is easily amazed by the most little things in life... like when i taught her the "shutup" handsign to deal with irritating guys in her class, she started doing her elmo laugh (which is the typical fling ur head 90 degrees backwards & start making noises & ur shoulders moving up & down in exagerated motion)... kayyyyyyy.... hurhur

meanwhile, my gor has been carrying around his very new blue black addidas bag that seemed to have cause quite a commotion as they wonder if the addidas bag is real of fake... hohoho... btw does my nike bag look real to u? *grins* i can't be bothered with the very trademark tick actually, i just happen to like the design & colour of the bag cus it's very classy...

& our sch's "darling" samuel has cause a uproar by posting a blog entry that condemned weilian (nt my class one... hehe) it just shows the attitude of singaporeans towards those less physically abled than us... if there's anything i've learn from my yvip camp, i think it is that my mentality towards those who are disabled has been changed.... i mean... do they even have the choice to be born that way? do they even deserved to be discriminated by the public just because they're different from u & i? in fact, when u interact with them, the definition of "normal" is often challenged... what is normal? something that the majority does or posses that they don't have? they have every right to lead a life without stares & discrimination.to be treated just like anyone else... the fact that they are less impared one way or another does not make them useless or an outcast to the society... they have every right to lead the life we are leading... so what if samuel has acting in some freaking tao pok or tau kua street? he only acted as a kid extra, not like he was the leading kid or he sang the theme song like meixian did. so if u have no talent wad so ever besides acting gay/cute, pls go get a life instead of looking down on others who have so much more talent than u...

& yes, i know this is outdated but zhixin yuanyuan & beechoo, u guys were great in the one... no matter what the results, u have my utmost respect for even daring to stand on stage to do something that u've always loved...

in case u're wondering which cartoon is causing such unrest in the islamic world & european c'tires... this is it(added on feb 17: "image removed...dun bother looking" bleahx)... not very flattering isn't it?

i believe in freedom of speech yes but not at the expense of peace & religious discrimination.... the europeans should just stop having this mentality that they're the best cus sooner or later, my china baby will just overtake them... no link... but yar...
these european people who talk abt freedom of speech just disgust me to no end...


my dear hsiangling aka HL milk aka hsiang gay, if u bother to read blogs at all.. haha... pls dun stress kay? jiayou jiayou *backrow behind u always*
XD

btw is there a difference b/w inferior & no confidence? sometimes i feel that the both are the same & that i feel inferior & lack of confidence most of the time... or maybe i dun look like it to u? haha... oh well... i dun noe myself well enough i guess...

vday coming...wheee.... no i'm nt going to dedicate anything to my gor or jiasheng
O.o *peers out of the computer screen to those who are thinking of me "biao bai"ing to them*

yes i love zhixin & cheehui & miaoyu & hsiang gay!!! yes yes i'm refering to u guys reading my blog, dun smile :P

令你印象最深刻的一句话

楊思敏　05A7A

“当我在监狱时，一位朋友勉励我说，他曾经在英国的博物馆里看过一艘船。那艘船虽与冰山碰撞过138次，撞击的次数有116次，帆柱虽折断了27 次，也遭祝融光顾了13次，但它从未下沉过”这句话是中国一名电影演员刘晓庆所说的。她自20岁开始演戏，获得国内外电影奖项无数，可谓大陆电影演员之冠。然而她在演艺事业如日中天时却转而经商，并成为拥有亿万身家的女富豪。2002年，她因逃税案被捕，亿万元顿时化为乌有。现在，就因为朋友的这句话，激励她重新出发，积极参与电视剧和舞台演出。

这句话不只是在刘晓庆的心坎里留下抹不掉的痕迹，也在我脑海里留下了一个深刻的印象。使我对失败又有令一种看，又是另一种感慨。一艘毫无生命的船，在经历过这数百次折磨后还从未下沉过，仍能依旧航海，比起在遇到一点儿困难后就轻易放弃的我们，说起来还真令我惭愧。

试想想一个人，在一夜间不但失去了所有的金钱，也失去了个人的自由，被关进监狱里，和外界失去联络。如果说这一切不会给一个人留下什么阴影的话，那是假的。这一样的打击，是令一个人感到如何的茫然失措和彷徨呀。但是，我们往往不曾想过，在一个人失足跌倒的时候，我们其实被给予了两个选择，要不就是站起来勇往直前，要不就一蹶不振，永远坐在原地埋怨老天不公平。

人生其实并非是一个目的，而是一个过程。一个需要我们经理过无数的失败，一个需要我们流过不少泪和不少血汗的过程。因为只有经历过失败的磨练，我们才看到活着的价值。我们才不会蔑视生命，认为自己若遇到什么不如意的事，只要逃避就能解决问题。

其实我们很多人都对失败抱着一种错误的看法，认为自己失败后就似乎见不得人，或是以一个人一次的失败，来批判与衡量那个人。也就因为社会过于重视成绩，而忽略了过程，才使很多人对失败有了偏见，并且因为害怕失败而不敢尝试。也因为这个偏见，使很多人在失败后承受极大的压力，受尽世人的白眼，造成自己心灰意冷，而无法翻身，并且重新再来。失败，难道有那么可怕吗？

　很多时候，我们只有在失败时，顿时失去往日当作理所当然的依靠的时候，我们才更会珍惜自己身旁的事物和人际关系。因为只有在我们一无所有的时候，我们才能认识真正朋友，并更加珍惜他们。因为如果没有这些精神的支柱，我们可能就无法看到雨过晴天那生气勃勃的景象了。

就像苏东天所说的：宝剑锋从磨励出，梅花香自苦寒来。失败不但是一个人生的挫折，也是一个让我们也能更清楚的认识自己的优点以及缺点的机会，因而不断的提升自己的人格，好让自己对社会有贡献，也同时能过着一个充实的生活。

就因为我们没有放弃，就因为我们对生命的执著和追逐，才能使我们创造奇迹，就像和冰雪顽强抗争的梅花，才能够开绽放出美丽的花朵，就像被摆方在英国博物馆的那艘船，是如何的令我肃然起敬。

i just read thru faith's archives & i feel so depressed suddenly....

life is a continual search for self, for self for self for self....
i've been repeating this god damn bloody sentence for who knows how long & u could most probably find traces of it in other entries as well, wouldn't u?

who am i...

i asked faith recently if i was still the same since J1, she gave me this very comforting reassurance that i'm still the same old me... den who is me?

why do i fucking see sunsets everyday? i don't know... i keep having this feeling that i'm on a spinning top, that i'm just going round & round in circles & that my emotions are just horrible cus i can't seem to control them no matter how hard i try... i don't know what is going on... just lessons everyday, going high & crazy & making everyone think i'm just a lep full time clown, like getting linked to weihao wasn't enough & now i'm being linked to jiasheng.... not that i mind really... i mean in the name of fun... i really don't mind... it's just that i wonder if i'm a slut sometimes...

am i still the same when i first entered jc? what was i like when i entered jc? how am i like now? am i getting so depressed that i'm affecting those around me as well? am i not spending enough time with my friends? i'm really really sorry faith & weilian & eehui... i just am really really sorry & i really wish i could just eat lunch with u guys & talk crap & gossip but... i don't know... i'm childish god damnit...

i'm just being reduced to a aimless studying machine, staying in the lep room blasting music in my ears 24/7 in a pathetic attempt to let myself not be destracted by anyone coming in... i hate econs i hate chinese i hate gp i hate fucking nyjc cus econs gives wrong inaccurate information, my gp teacher doesn't know what he's teaching, my history teacher hates me cus i don't do my work, my econs teacher hates me cus i ponned her lesson twice... i hate going to places where i feel lost & stupid & crap... i am so stupid cus i keep failing test and i so deserve it cus i didn't study...

i need sleep even though i've bee sleeping at 12 instead of 4am, i still feel damn tired & lethargic... i feel guilty cus i can't help my friends & i feel so out of touch with them... i am really really so sorry.... i know u guys must be so stressed now and i really wish i could be there to lend u a listening ear.... i'm really sorry.... jiayou


.... my top stops spinning....

病了...

专题作业拿了第三名,心里一点感觉也没有,可能是因为流了太多泪,心里也麻木了...

生命的意义不在结论，而在于奋斗的过程。

不能不否认,当初对专题作业的期望是挺高的,费了那么多心思,如果说不曾想过要拿第一,那是假的.就是因为对东西的某一种期望,才能鞭策自己...也许是在演示当天被打击了,所以也就不抱着什么希望了...

曾听过老师称赞他,说他其实很聪明的,理解能力又很强,那为什么他的行为又那么令人失望呢?现在想起来,可能是聪明反被聪明误吧...

学到了很多,也重新的认识自己,并更清楚的看到自己的能量.觉得自己傻... 也许这世上并不是说有一份耕耘一份收获,只要知道自己已经尽力,其他的,也就不去管了...

听朋友说自从来到新加坡后,就觉得自己是个寂寞的人.我觉得自己来到初院后,则变成了一个寂寞的灵魂...很多事都得靠自己去处理,要懂得看得开,而不是等别人来开导....很多事情要懂得放手,因为如果紧抱着不放,只是给自己加重负担,也就更快得溺死...很多东西不能说,因为人与人之间的关系太复杂了,也不知道周遭朋友什么时候变成了自己的敌人,或最恨的人... 很多东西变了....

也许不参与白云岗也是一件好事,我也需要呼吸的空间...偶尔坐在观众席,从另一个角度看演出,也未必是一件不好的事.伟豪和家胜,要加油哦!


仔细想想,我们还不是世俗的过客吗?

if there is anything that i rmb most clearly from my pri sch days, it was this quote that my christian friend wrote behind our class's graduation photo
"do your best, God will do the rest."

it was simple, yet it made alot of sense to me, even till today...
it is something i still believe in, even though i'm nt a christian, nor a believer of god...

believe it or not, life is a choice, every single choices make up ur life & the path which u wish to pave for urself... after going through so much & making so many friends suffer because of my selfishness, manipulation & depression, i've learnt that depression is not a thing forced onto us because of our inability to cope with stress. it is because we choose to let the factors leading to depression take over us, it is because we keep running away, it is because we are selfish that we not only let ourselves suffer but others suffer too... & to think we had this noble aspiration of carrying the burden by ourselves & nt troubling our friends with our crap, we end up giving them a bigger burden, a burden of helplessness for not being able to help our friend. a burden of fear because we want very much to know what is happening, yet denied of the information by the very people we call friends.

are we truly helping?

there are times where i wish there was more i could help with, but i realised that even with the best councillors & the best friends in the world, the only & final difference u can make is to take the final step urself & overcome ur fears, ur depression. there is only so much a friend can help, because we can't read ur mind, we can't totally understand ur fear.... because everyone is so different that the only think we can do is try to understand, & to assure u time & again that we'll be there for u...

i used to whine that nobody understood me, that i was always misunderstood, that people are not trying hard enough to help me.. i wanted more attention, more help... i was greedy, & was never happy. i wallowed in self pity, i thought it was stupid to pretend to be happy or to be even happy cus my friends wouldn't care as much if i become happy. it was so fake to pretend to be happy, or that everyone would go away if i became happy again.
now i look back, and i saw a girl who refused to choose happiness because of some selfish reasons. that i was seeking for a form of happiness that fed on attention seeking, acting pitiful & getting depressed so as to get my friends to comfort me & assure me time & again that they care.
i wasn't honest with myself, i refused to admit to the fact that i am acting pitiful. the only thing i saw at that point of time was, i am in pain, how come nobody bothers to care? how come nobody understands? i want to die because everything is stupid, because i don't want to face this pain, but i don't have the courage to kill myself...

there is always someone out there who is always willing to help u, it's just that u're not fully aware. if people are really realistic or have selfish reason such as only wanting to make themselves feel better & thus force u to say i'm fine, they would rather do something else like ignoring u totally....

it boils down to choice, & to given this choice is to be given the power to shape ur own destiny. no one understands urself more than u do so no one is more appropriate to help u than u urself. there is never a word impossible in the dictionary of human beings, it is there to tell us that there is no such thing as impossible... that unless u prefer to be sad for ur entire human life, u either choose to do something about it instead to saying u can't or that u've tried & failed so there is no use trying... if u fail, try try & try again cus u never know when that success might just be there the nxt time u try... believe me, there is always someone out there who wish to see u smile from the bottom of ur heart... that i will be happy for u, nt because i've felt better but because i know that u've grown to become a stronger person...

by living, u're given 2 simple choices, to stand facing the sun so u may never see the shadow, or to stand against the sun & living in shadow always.. i know it is never as simple as it sounds... but why bother making it complicated?

and with this i wish u true happiness, my friend. c'est la vie

imagine....
being enveloped by total darkness & silence...
with the soft popping sound of firecrackers in the distance...
u look up and see...
the clear sky decorated with countless stars....
the infinite expanse of the universe...
ur fear of the darkness long gone,
u feel so small, yet significant to be existing as a part of nature
it was just breathtaking....
i stood in awe....
i thought i saw heaven...