Thursday, March 31, 2005

so this is what happens?!

Freaky Friday said to buy a gift for myself because I'm "special". Yeah right. I'm so special mentally that I hate myself totally for it...suddenly felt like crying today. I don't know what triggered it on but I just felt like crying. I'm still not myself.. I hate it... our new class is very quiet but I didn't really bother cus I suddenly had this urge to not talk to anyone... this is so damn freaky & irritating because I only had this urge in the past. I feel so desperate, despotic, frustrated... received presents today & yesterday, & lots of bday wishes today but it didn't make up for my pure stupidity today.. I feel guilty for no reason what so ever... because my friend got pissed off? Ok... I'm irritating I know.. urgh.. I've this constant feeling which is bugging me to prove myself, to show the others I am not what they see... especially to ms tan...maybe it's because of the costume thing... I just hate it when people say I'm irresponsible because I'm sure I'm not & I don't know why she had to misunderstand me this was largely due to my mother's insistence to wash the costume herself & the rest was just my pure stupidity to agree to it!I don't seem to be making any sense am I? I'm a piece of junk trying to prove that I'm not junk.
I'm going crazy over u, & I'm disgusted by myself for even feeling this way. I assume this is another stupid infatuation & I'm damn glad that in terms of BGR, I'll just leave my feelings hidden. This is only thing that I like about myself cause I won't do anything stupid!

Ppl I miss most:Junjie, zhuang jing, plus some others scholars, Lynn, Yisha, Julia, Melissa, 4I excluding ltb. I miss cldds where it had a thousand & one reasons to make me cry, the cca where I almost gave up my studies for. I don't feel the same way for ccs. Maybe because of the bitch that's inside but maybe it's because I'm scared that I can't prove myself in time to be worthy of leadership position... I don't know why but I'm just so desperate to be in some committee... haha.. I'm crazy but I need some responsibilities to distract me from all this shit in sch. I realized that this entry has only 1 pair of haha so I shall haha more.. hahahahahahahahahaha... I always get the last laugh.. lame me..

No comments: