Saturday, March 26, 2005

X my heart & hope to die

mood: headache & mentally dead
msn nick: no new nick..this is so damn lame.. i need inspiration

i'm so amazed @ how my sis can update her blog almost everyday w/o fail & still have so much things to write.
meanwhile, i shall start whining about how my mum sucks cause she thinks she's the top of the world, & that everyone shld just kneel down & idolise her or some crap. she's still bitching about how i didn't manage to wake up on time to serve her royal highness & make her feel better when she was damn not feeling well. ok.. i admit i was abit slow but HELLO, i'm slping, if u want me to jump up immediately from the bed and make you feel better, you're such a bloody asshole (which basically you are now!) then you start whining to everybody saying if you faint @ home nobody will notice, u might as well die and stuff... like i even care a shit about u dead or alive. since u like to embrace death so eagerly, go hug ur coffin u bloody asshole. you think i'm supposed too wait on u 24/7?! u think i'm not guilty enough not bveing able to make u feel better!? u think i don't care!? FUCK U FUCK U FUCK U! & the worse thing is, while i'm trying to make up for what i did wrong, you block all attempts, snatching the medicine from me while i was trying to prepare for you, shoving me away while i attempted to serve u the medicine. if u're so eager to drink this shit, why not u go down & buy the freaking medicine & drink to ur death u bitch! i HATE U HATE U. go bitch around if u must. i swear i'll be immunue to all ur shit. i can't believe u're such a blockhead.
so now, i have a bad headache cum stomachache. i'm still trying to recover from the sickness that the bloody cow had spread. here's another asshole of our family which our bitchy mum loves to the core because he's made of shit.
in fact, i don't feel like moving forward. i just feel like standing where i am now and just rot to my death. i hate jc life because it is stupid. i wanna be alone and i don't feel like being sociable & likeable. i'm so aimless.. feel like a mist, drifting in b/w the realms of the living and dead (& with my mum constant naggin as the background music) i rather stay in hell. it's been a while since i am such a bitch, friends are all over the place, here & there, ppl so close to you, yet u just feel like force of friendship is repelling you away from them instead of attracting you closer to them. i need life, i need synergy, i need these forces that are so lacking in me now to push me forward.
mercy killing... i think suicide is mercy killing too... relief from this world, from this so stupid world....
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

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