self reflection, i need to change

mood: rheumatismish
msn nick: 我绝望,我哭泣,你当时又在何处

things tt are spoilt
1. my brain
2. my printer
3. my social interaction skills machine
4. my health

wadever... ok great, now i have 2 parrots who mimicks wadever i say. this is great. my sense of humour is damn dry, i have not made anyone laugh to their hearts content since i left 4 i and since i left the back row. i am not myself, which is good... but i am changing back to my old self.. which is bad.. i rather be reserved & keep quiet & let others assume that i had never existed at all.. now u have guys around this sch, they keep nagging at you to be less boyish & more lady like... ok... change change is needed...

ways to implment change
1. shut dup that horrible laugh.
2. stop screaming for god's sake... u're not in cedar any more
4. stop being hyper as if u're high or smthing...
5. be active @ the correct times

i sometimes wonder if i'm hyper active as well.. i can't focus properly, i get high & excited all of a sudden & start jumping around like a nut case which makes ppl ponder if i'm really human or not... the problem now lies in do i wanna change? do i need to change? sometimes u just live ur live as u have lived for that countless years & hope that things that u hate will go away... sometimes it does..sometimes it doesn't... i miss my friends alot... they like me the way i am, not like this school, they don't, they like me the way they expect me to be...even the teachers... maybe cedar has been too good to me, and now that i have left my comfort zone, everything just doesn't seem to be right...
you feel so tired, so jaded like you've experienced war or something when in fact others have gone through more... i can do it...or can't i?

i looked at the photos that we took, and i thought of you... are u thinking of me too?

things to ponder
1. i need to change, that's final
2. i need to constantly remind myself that i'm a girl!
3. i need to constantly remind myself that i'm no longer in cedar
4. i need to widen my social circle in ny
5. i have to learn to love
6. i need to slim down damit!

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come