Wednesday, March 16, 2005

confrontation of my weakness

mood:minutely depressed by cheered up by legolas
msn nick:I HATE MYSELF!..

here are a list of my weakness
1. i'm mentally weak
--> i collapse easily under stress(esp. long termed)
2. i'm phsically weak
--> my ankle gets fractured easily due to my immense weight & my small feet, i have difficulty reathing after running
3.high tendancy to splurge everything i have on close friends
--> thinks tt friends are materialistic & only stick to you becus u buy gifts for them. but true friends do not do this, thus it seems tt my level of trust for my friends is very low & my definition of friends still needs to be edited.
4.have low or totally no confidence or faith in myself
--> have this feeling that i'll ruin a competition or a performance, that i'll forget lines &stand on the stage looking like a total idiot. eventually, i do screw up the whole thing & disappoint everyone, but to a large extent, myself
5.tendancy to speak & act w/o thinking but mostly based on impulsion
--> ends up offending & insulting ppl, regretting it so much later on that e sense of guilt become highly unbrearable & causes me to break down, thus appologising profusely to whoever was involved.
6. self-disillusions myself by believeing that i am actually good in chinese when in fact i'm not
--> am still holding on to this self disillusion, plans to continue to take LEP & prove to myself that this is not an illusion but a fact that my chinese is worthy of me to be called a descendant of a dragon
7. am ugly & fat
--> not to the extreme but is enough to make me not wear tight clothes & be proud of my figure...

let's see... what about strengths... sorry to disappoint but none whatsoever. do not bother to think & do not bother to self create some artificial ones to boost my confidence level as all this is temporary. life's a bitch when you realized that everything you believe in was actually a lie... i used to think that i was good in story telling, in fact, a damn good expert. but the fact is, i was never close to even having the potential. i haf to admit i sucked, of all competitions i participated, none got into finals (of which other team members say because the judges are biased towards good schs like nygh or THE CHINESE HIGH). but let's face reality shan't well, our grp didn't fo well cus we just didn't have the x factor & i believe to a large extent, i had actually dragged them down to the mosh pit.

so now, i'm facing a new life, a new sch, a new environment, out of courtesy & cultural purposes of that of a chinese to actually deny what they are trully good at, i proudly annouced that my chinese sucked when i delightfully thought that it was quite good.. someone juz dumped a 100 tonne pile of mosh onto me, literarily grabbed hold of my pride to used it to wipe up the mosh.. the feeling of being flushed down the toilet bowl.. by simply saying, ur chinese suxs... now i feel damn depressed because of this stupid i don't know whether he meant it or not sentence. stupid me or stupid whoever it is... i don't hate him.. just hate myself for not being able to face up to reality.

so i guess, in life, alot of things just don't make much sense.. do they? i guess i still need to brush up on my various definitions in life.. that's for sure..

~ill'd have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

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