wanted to dedicate a hate entry to myself... i'm such a 2 faced asshole....
it feels lonely to have no one to understand u...
does anyone truly understand me? i don't know.... there are alot of certainities in life that i don't even wanna have a confirmation in anything that i used to believe in....
i feel like insulting my whole farking class and hope all will hate me and then i'll get kicked out of a7a and get kicked out of nyjc too...
in case if u're wondering if i'm ok, i'm not... in fact i'm so used to saying "i'm okay, don't worry" to my friends that it actually felt weird admitting that i'm not... but if we look at this situation from another perspective, when was i okay?
i guess i sound so calm and composed now cus i've already had my outburst immediately after i woke up from my noon nap... i'm a bastard.. hurhur...
sometimes it really sucks to be kind... it just sucks sucks sucks to the core... and i wish i knew why i even bothered to care about those who hurt me, to be even nice to them...
where are u when i needed u the most?
this is the question i always ask myself when i cry...
the problem is that this is just a selfish thought... because they are always there, it's just that i am greedy and i want more to me than what is given... that i have this fucked up 2 sided reaction to everything... that is so ironic cus i would want you to be here and not want u to be here...
stupid me held on to something, firmly believing that a "friend" would never do this to you to the extent that you would feel utterly traumatised, disgusted & manipulated....
but on second thoughts, u never really were my friend, cus u never accepted me as who i was, nor give me a chance to be myself in front of you...
i hate my shithole class... although there are alot of nice people inside... i just fuckingly hate a7a...
and i just realised that my laughter had always been something else... that my insanity was something i had really wanted to keep after all... cus withough all these i would be nothing... nothing at all...
and now i feel lonely...