the colour of blue.... is me... because i met up with junjie, zj & cj today... i kept quiet most of e time... it's just good to shut my mouth up & listen to ppl talk...
m:robe... beacuse i love it... haha... okok kill me....
forgiveness.... is what i'm thinking of... and what i'm trying to understand... had i not forgiven ppl before in the past? what is to forgive? what is it to forget?
Friday, January 27, 2006
Thursday, January 26, 2006
F.R.E.E
i don't know... but i thought i saw light... amongst that dark starless sky... i thought i saw hope...
i guess it's only after this project has ended that i realised that how stressed & depressed i was...
suicide was constantly on my mind... i know it's lame... but sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing at all.... i teared alot although i tried to make myself cry to just unload whatever burden i was carrying.... everything was just against me.... i just wanted to be alone... & yet i needed & wanted ppl to care, i wanted ppl to understand... ironic...
now i look back at this whole bloody few months eversince i started on the pw & i concluded that there was no reason for me to forgive kahhui for what he has did to my personally & what he did/or had not done for the grp... there's wasn't a need for me to care if i hurt his fragile heart, or if i caused his relapse or for him feeling very stressed... i don't plan to have payback time or anything... what i plan is not to care... abt his bloody existence... that his existence wouldn't bother me. a.t. a.l.l.
i don't know... but i thought i saw light... amongst that dark starless sky... i thought i saw hope...
i guess it's only after this project has ended that i realised that how stressed & depressed i was...
suicide was constantly on my mind... i know it's lame... but sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing at all.... i teared alot although i tried to make myself cry to just unload whatever burden i was carrying.... everything was just against me.... i just wanted to be alone... & yet i needed & wanted ppl to care, i wanted ppl to understand... ironic...
now i look back at this whole bloody few months eversince i started on the pw & i concluded that there was no reason for me to forgive kahhui for what he has did to my personally & what he did/or had not done for the grp... there's wasn't a need for me to care if i hurt his fragile heart, or if i caused his relapse or for him feeling very stressed... i don't plan to have payback time or anything... what i plan is not to care... abt his bloody existence... that his existence wouldn't bother me. a.t. a.l.l.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
i'm so fucking sorry but i have a generation gap with everyone okay?
happy?
what is ur problem? what is mine problem? blowing up over a bottle of fucking chicken essence... fine u have u reasons, so? i think u owe me an explanation, instead of sneaking things out of the hse to give ur friends... it's just very pissing... like what the hell, dad & mum worked their arse off so that u can feed ur fren with chicken essence? fine if u wanna buy presents for ur frens if they feel down & out but i don't think u're fren deserves that when dad & mum dun even wanna drink it cus they're saving it for us... it works the same way if u wanna save smthing for them & the fat cow in our hse eats it. how come u can't think this way huh?
or what? i lost my fucking brain so i can't understand u? talk lar... u always like to keep everything to urself, i know ur frens are impt den what bout me huh? i have to play guessing games with everyone in sch and i have to play it at home with u too? what's so difficult abt explaining it to me? u always say we don't support u, we don't understand u, we don't give a fuck abt what u're doing in sch, we only care abt ur results... are u even being fair to me or not?
pls correct me if i'm wrong... we have our own problems, we might not have the time or enough understanding to confide in each other, but when the time comes for us being frank towards each other, i think we both need a understanding & patience to do it...
it sucks nt being able to help u out when u have problems in sch, but pls be more fair towards me... jc life is damn tough & u noe i haf a hard time trying to cope with it... i flare up easily @ home, i tend to occupy the space in front of the com 24/7, tell me lar... what da hell, i won't eat u up, i'm trying to do smthing abt my fucking emotions so that ppl can feel free to tell me abt what they think abt me, what abt u?
how come i can't tell u directly that u're doing when i think u're at fault?
wadever lar, i suck as a sister, i'm a fucking bastard cus i can't help my friends, i cannot help my family lighten the burden, i'm just sucky bastard bitch.... i should just burn in hell and die
happy?
what is ur problem? what is mine problem? blowing up over a bottle of fucking chicken essence... fine u have u reasons, so? i think u owe me an explanation, instead of sneaking things out of the hse to give ur friends... it's just very pissing... like what the hell, dad & mum worked their arse off so that u can feed ur fren with chicken essence? fine if u wanna buy presents for ur frens if they feel down & out but i don't think u're fren deserves that when dad & mum dun even wanna drink it cus they're saving it for us... it works the same way if u wanna save smthing for them & the fat cow in our hse eats it. how come u can't think this way huh?
or what? i lost my fucking brain so i can't understand u? talk lar... u always like to keep everything to urself, i know ur frens are impt den what bout me huh? i have to play guessing games with everyone in sch and i have to play it at home with u too? what's so difficult abt explaining it to me? u always say we don't support u, we don't understand u, we don't give a fuck abt what u're doing in sch, we only care abt ur results... are u even being fair to me or not?
pls correct me if i'm wrong... we have our own problems, we might not have the time or enough understanding to confide in each other, but when the time comes for us being frank towards each other, i think we both need a understanding & patience to do it...
it sucks nt being able to help u out when u have problems in sch, but pls be more fair towards me... jc life is damn tough & u noe i haf a hard time trying to cope with it... i flare up easily @ home, i tend to occupy the space in front of the com 24/7, tell me lar... what da hell, i won't eat u up, i'm trying to do smthing abt my fucking emotions so that ppl can feel free to tell me abt what they think abt me, what abt u?
how come i can't tell u directly that u're doing when i think u're at fault?
wadever lar, i suck as a sister, i'm a fucking bastard cus i can't help my friends, i cannot help my family lighten the burden, i'm just sucky bastard bitch.... i should just burn in hell and die
okayy... smthing happened... wait, when does smthing nt happen...
i guess it's always how we learn to look @ things...
take things easy babe... *breathe....*
did i tell u tt mr kh is a bird brain & his hair looks damn horrible that i feel like flinging a 10kg piece of metal block @ his birdnest hairstyle... & he talks funny too... sounds like big bird... sucker...
whininings aside.... i feel drained i guess... i don't have the stamina to write a entry filled with the philosophies of life cus i ain't have any anyway... MSLO is sucky too cus i dun like a teacher poking ard a barrier that i've put up... throughout that session i just felt like kicking something/someone.. it's just this frustration bottling up inside... i need to stand on a piece of empty land & scream my lungs out literarily....
there're many things i wanna say...
there are just too much things.... but i guess my definition of the word "friend" has been recently tested by those around me... suddenly this concept seems so foreign... who can u trust?
i guess it's always how we learn to look @ things...
take things easy babe... *breathe....*
did i tell u tt mr kh is a bird brain & his hair looks damn horrible that i feel like flinging a 10kg piece of metal block @ his birdnest hairstyle... & he talks funny too... sounds like big bird... sucker...
whininings aside.... i feel drained i guess... i don't have the stamina to write a entry filled with the philosophies of life cus i ain't have any anyway... MSLO is sucky too cus i dun like a teacher poking ard a barrier that i've put up... throughout that session i just felt like kicking something/someone.. it's just this frustration bottling up inside... i need to stand on a piece of empty land & scream my lungs out literarily....
there're many things i wanna say...
there are just too much things.... but i guess my definition of the word "friend" has been recently tested by those around me... suddenly this concept seems so foreign... who can u trust?
Sunday, January 22, 2006
my first "normal" conversation with kahhui...
*i send e LEP ppt to him thru msn*
KH: hi (comments by author: btw i think this red colour is damn gay...)
KH: can send me through email??
SM: erm
SM: the thing is too big
KH: ok
SM: den nvm bahx
SM:tml den u see
SM:nt much changes
KH:i try from here
KH: give it a try
*i send e ppt again, the previous one is nt accepted by him, i just wanted him to shut him up.*
KH: cos it does not usually work
KH:who noes?
KH: :)
KH: i try now
* i send e bird brain e ppt again, he finally accepts it*
SM: btw did lynette tell u abt the change in e ppt?
KH: yup
SM: the video for jing ke has been shifted to e second slide
SM: yeah
SM: tt's abt all
KH: juz called her
SM:ok
KH: tml we stayin late???
KH: yup
KH: got it
KH: thanks
SM: yar 5pm
SM: u confirm with xiaoying bahx
KH: hey u feeling better??
SM: er yar
KH:ok
KH:juz wanna ask
KH:cos am relli afraid
KH:dun want to lose my frenz...
KH:if u are seeing dis
KH:a word of sorry may not be able to write off everyhting
KH:but still i gotta
KH:say
KH:i may not be able to understand the stress u went through
KH:but i do hope dere is a chance to patch things up
(author's notes: JUZ SHUT UP... H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E)
SM:hey srry
SM:gtg
KH:ya........
SM: tml u see the ppt bahx
SM: bye
*i left e conversation, fully aware that the ppt is still in the process of sending but i can't be bothered... i was just plain disgusted by his speech, or what he prepared to say, plus his very disgusting msn display pict which was just a guys face plus a whole lot of gurl's face... pervert...
btw... in case u didn't know... his msn nick a few days ago was "OG1, u leave me speechless, cos u gurls are simply the best!!! jia you o2 adhoc!!!"
*note: the highlighted words just make me wanna puke...
so now... someone pls tell me to love this cute innocent guy ...
*knocks head against wall*
*i send e LEP ppt to him thru msn*
KH: hi (comments by author: btw i think this red colour is damn gay...)
KH: can send me through email??
SM: erm
SM: the thing is too big
KH: ok
SM: den nvm bahx
SM:tml den u see
SM:nt much changes
KH:i try from here
KH: give it a try
*i send e ppt again, the previous one is nt accepted by him, i just wanted him to shut him up.*
KH: cos it does not usually work
KH:who noes?
KH: :)
KH: i try now
* i send e bird brain e ppt again, he finally accepts it*
SM: btw did lynette tell u abt the change in e ppt?
KH: yup
SM: the video for jing ke has been shifted to e second slide
SM: yeah
SM: tt's abt all
KH: juz called her
SM:ok
KH: tml we stayin late???
KH: yup
KH: got it
KH: thanks
SM: yar 5pm
SM: u confirm with xiaoying bahx
KH: hey u feeling better??
SM: er yar
KH:ok
KH:juz wanna ask
KH:cos am relli afraid
KH:dun want to lose my frenz...
KH:if u are seeing dis
KH:a word of sorry may not be able to write off everyhting
KH:but still i gotta
KH:say
KH:i may not be able to understand the stress u went through
KH:but i do hope dere is a chance to patch things up
(author's notes: JUZ SHUT UP... H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E)
SM:hey srry
SM:gtg
KH:ya........
SM: tml u see the ppt bahx
SM: bye
*i left e conversation, fully aware that the ppt is still in the process of sending but i can't be bothered... i was just plain disgusted by his speech, or what he prepared to say, plus his very disgusting msn display pict which was just a guys face plus a whole lot of gurl's face... pervert...
btw... in case u didn't know... his msn nick a few days ago was "OG1, u leave me speechless, cos u gurls are simply the best!!! jia you o2 adhoc!!!"
*note: the highlighted words just make me wanna puke...
so now... someone pls tell me to love this cute innocent guy ...
*knocks head against wall*
Saturday, January 21, 2006
this is my favourite principal of my favourite school... *hugs e photo of ms leong* TURE BLUE CEDARIAN...
the courtyard:
the palce where i have the most wonderful memories of the school... the place where we had reflections every morning. Ms susan leong would remind us constantly of the realities of life, to tell us her life in cambridge where there was a system in which students didn't have to go to the librarian to borrow books... it was up to ur own initiative & responsibility to borrow and return the books.. the place where i saw the prefect councillors at work... there was once when the PA system screwed up, a PC actually took the initiative to stand on the platform to shout out all our announcements to the whole school & the whole sch kept very silent to listen to the announcements, and we cheered for her after that... it was just this special sch spirit, i haven found it any where ever since...
the asthetic rooms, specifically AS1: the second most important place to me... where our weekly CLDDS meetings were held, from a tiny nerdy sec 1, i was given the chance to lead a group where u had a big segregation b/w the locals & PRCs. ironically, i always sided with the PRCs... and am still in close contact with a few of them... it took me a few years to actually feel totally accepted by this close community, where i get to sneak into their hostel to celebrate their birthdays, eat the canteen food in e hostel F.O.C (which is actually not allowed...XD hehe)
the chinese & japnese gardens:
the place where i spent the least time there... but it is one of the most wonderful place of the school... haha... a place for us to use as a backdrop for our graduation photos XD
the foyer! where me & lynn would always stay after our CCAs to wait for her mum to drive her home...
we didn't get the best class of the year, with a hypocritical teacher who kept picking on our backrow clique because we are moer chinese orientated... but the class is one the best class all the same... sharon, shiying and me, the 3 crazy nut cases who would crack the most lame jokes during class, imitate teachers, scream at each other during class because we sit at 2 different ends of the classroom.. haha... i miss u guys lots...
this is my favourite food, chocolates!!!.... okay actually i have a whole list of other favourite foods like banana, eggs... but i think i can survive on chocolates only diet... hehe... somemore dark chocolates are good for health.
i pod nano... something that i desperately want & need most.. my present cd player is screwed up & is kept in working condition by superglue.... the stop buttons are nt working... >.< *sobssobs* i want a mp3 player!!! *embraces materialism* bleahx.... sighx
my very first adobe product done on jasmine's silva in woodland's freezing cold library... i love jasmine *hugs* btw, if u aren't able to see the red words clearly, it says "jasmine's darling." with a very kawaii & cool looking echizen ryoma.... *imagines jasmine fan gurling & hyperventilating XD*
my very first major event in nyjc.... there were periods of ups and downs... but i guess this is the best so far XD
gahx.... hhaha... i miss them all
Friday, January 20, 2006
I.AM.STRESSED
many thanks to my dear hsiangling aka hsiang gay aka hl milk & faith for their lovely msges. it makes my day, & lovely zhixin for being in lep room so frequently that we can gossip abt alot of stuff (mainly abt haogay and the most interesting stuff that can be linked to him)... love u guys *hugs* a big thank u to my dear jasmine darling, for everything.... :)
yesh... i was near breaking pt in the lep room today... i need to slap myself...
btw haogay suggested that i shld patch up with kahhui... someone kill me first..thanks
and kahhui's voice is irritating the hell outta me... he shld disappear into thin air or smthing... freaking piece of shit...
i have 2 hist essays & 2 compos nt done... forget it *shrugs*
i am looking forward to liberation day on 25th... den my entries will be more normal... no hate entries, no scolding of bastards & fucks, no crazy speech...
oh yes, would like to tell faith my dear, if u are reading this, to nt be stressed up and smilex! lolx
i guess the problem with me being stressed is that even the minuet details can get me very very worked up, that i'm very prone to flaring up for no fucking reason or screaming & going very very high & therefore pissing ppl off of which they'll shoot me with a very irrtated look or tell to shut the fuck up... yes... they are that direct... and i don't even feel hurt *FUCKING LIAR I AM*
i need someone to condemn me to hell or smthing.... tell me i'm stupid, i'm sucky, i'm noisy, i'm a bitch/whore/bastard, i'm irritating, i'm overpowering, i'm proud, i'm disrespectful... whatever fucking shit, just throw it into my face... i need it now...
paranoid....
i want to die.... (dun believe me, i'm just seeking for attention lolx... this is lame... but yar... wadever)
many thanks to my dear hsiangling aka hsiang gay aka hl milk & faith for their lovely msges. it makes my day, & lovely zhixin for being in lep room so frequently that we can gossip abt alot of stuff (mainly abt haogay and the most interesting stuff that can be linked to him)... love u guys *hugs* a big thank u to my dear jasmine darling, for everything.... :)
yesh... i was near breaking pt in the lep room today... i need to slap myself...
btw haogay suggested that i shld patch up with kahhui... someone kill me first..thanks
and kahhui's voice is irritating the hell outta me... he shld disappear into thin air or smthing... freaking piece of shit...
i have 2 hist essays & 2 compos nt done... forget it *shrugs*
i am looking forward to liberation day on 25th... den my entries will be more normal... no hate entries, no scolding of bastards & fucks, no crazy speech...
oh yes, would like to tell faith my dear, if u are reading this, to nt be stressed up and smilex! lolx
i guess the problem with me being stressed is that even the minuet details can get me very very worked up, that i'm very prone to flaring up for no fucking reason or screaming & going very very high & therefore pissing ppl off of which they'll shoot me with a very irrtated look or tell to shut the fuck up... yes... they are that direct... and i don't even feel hurt *FUCKING LIAR I AM*
i need someone to condemn me to hell or smthing.... tell me i'm stupid, i'm sucky, i'm noisy, i'm a bitch/whore/bastard, i'm irritating, i'm overpowering, i'm proud, i'm disrespectful... whatever fucking shit, just throw it into my face... i need it now...
paranoid....
i want to die.... (dun believe me, i'm just seeking for attention lolx... this is lame... but yar... wadever)
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
wanted to dedicate a hate entry to myself... i'm such a 2 faced asshole....
it feels lonely to have no one to understand u...
does anyone truly understand me? i don't know.... there are alot of certainities in life that i don't even wanna have a confirmation in anything that i used to believe in....
i feel like insulting my whole farking class and hope all will hate me and then i'll get kicked out of a7a and get kicked out of nyjc too...
in case if u're wondering if i'm ok, i'm not... in fact i'm so used to saying "i'm okay, don't worry" to my friends that it actually felt weird admitting that i'm not... but if we look at this situation from another perspective, when was i okay?
i guess i sound so calm and composed now cus i've already had my outburst immediately after i woke up from my noon nap... i'm a bastard.. hurhur...
sometimes it really sucks to be kind... it just sucks sucks sucks to the core... and i wish i knew why i even bothered to care about those who hurt me, to be even nice to them...
where are u when i needed u the most?
this is the question i always ask myself when i cry...
the problem is that this is just a selfish thought... because they are always there, it's just that i am greedy and i want more to me than what is given... that i have this fucked up 2 sided reaction to everything... that is so ironic cus i would want you to be here and not want u to be here...
stupid me held on to something, firmly believing that a "friend" would never do this to you to the extent that you would feel utterly traumatised, disgusted & manipulated....
but on second thoughts, u never really were my friend, cus u never accepted me as who i was, nor give me a chance to be myself in front of you...
i hate my shithole class... although there are alot of nice people inside... i just fuckingly hate a7a...
and i just realised that my laughter had always been something else... that my insanity was something i had really wanted to keep after all... cus withough all these i would be nothing... nothing at all...
and now i feel lonely...
it feels lonely to have no one to understand u...
does anyone truly understand me? i don't know.... there are alot of certainities in life that i don't even wanna have a confirmation in anything that i used to believe in....
i feel like insulting my whole farking class and hope all will hate me and then i'll get kicked out of a7a and get kicked out of nyjc too...
in case if u're wondering if i'm ok, i'm not... in fact i'm so used to saying "i'm okay, don't worry" to my friends that it actually felt weird admitting that i'm not... but if we look at this situation from another perspective, when was i okay?
i guess i sound so calm and composed now cus i've already had my outburst immediately after i woke up from my noon nap... i'm a bastard.. hurhur...
sometimes it really sucks to be kind... it just sucks sucks sucks to the core... and i wish i knew why i even bothered to care about those who hurt me, to be even nice to them...
where are u when i needed u the most?
this is the question i always ask myself when i cry...
the problem is that this is just a selfish thought... because they are always there, it's just that i am greedy and i want more to me than what is given... that i have this fucked up 2 sided reaction to everything... that is so ironic cus i would want you to be here and not want u to be here...
stupid me held on to something, firmly believing that a "friend" would never do this to you to the extent that you would feel utterly traumatised, disgusted & manipulated....
but on second thoughts, u never really were my friend, cus u never accepted me as who i was, nor give me a chance to be myself in front of you...
i hate my shithole class... although there are alot of nice people inside... i just fuckingly hate a7a...
and i just realised that my laughter had always been something else... that my insanity was something i had really wanted to keep after all... cus withough all these i would be nothing... nothing at all...
and now i feel lonely...
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
this entry is especially dedicated to my classmate kahhui
and this is to tell u that u suck alot, worse than e straw because u just fuckingly suck
u are damn irritating and disgusting and u shld stop even trying to start a conversation with me cus u're just pissing me off more and more
u are just a piece of shit cus u dun bother about ur group, u don't care, u just do slipshod work and expect us to clean up the shit for u? HURRRRR... u shld just go and fuck off cus either way, u either hand in ur work on time but it sucks to the core that it can't even be used, or u don't hand in at all
dun even try to act helpful cus u just increase our burden...
FUCK OFF KAHHUI, JUST FUCK OFF AND DUN EVEN BOTHER TO ACT FRIENDLY WITH ME OR I MIGHT JUST TELL U THAT U'RE A BASTARD IN UR FACE AND I MEAN IT...I'VE JUST REACH MY LIMIT AND I'M NOT IN E BEST OF MOODS RECENTLY... GET ON WITH UR OWN FUCKING LIFE AND LEAVE ME ALONE...
1 YEAR OF PW AND UR FUCKING NONSENSE IS ENOUGH AND ANOTHER FEW MONTHS OF THIS CRAP IS NOT A BURDEN I WANNA CARRY.
U'RE JUST PLAIN IRRESPONSIBLE NOT ONLY TO THE GROUP, UR TEACHER, BUT TO URSELF AS WELL... U THINK OR U ACT LIKE U'RE TRYING TO REDUCE OUR BURDEN, FUCK OFF AND THINK AGAIN CUS I JUST SEE THROUGH UR ACTING AND A SEE A PATHETIC ASSHOLE TRYING TO ACT KIND...
U WANNA TALK AND SORT THINGS OUT? SHUT UP MAN, I DUN WANNA HEAR UR EXCUSES, DUN WANNA SEE UR LOUSY FUCKING ACTING AND DUN WANNA HEAR UR DAMN IRRITATING VOICE... U ARE SHIT SHIT SHIT...
U BASTARD SON OF A BITCH
FUCK OFF... GODDAMNIT JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
had orientation for J1s yest... had to admit it was kinda of confusing but it was fun all the same... to see the committee in action plus how e J1s interact... btw my junior didn't come so yar.. wadever..
i am brain dead btw... since thurs... i think it just sort of shut off after e "mental breakdown" on thurs...
and yes... i won't talk to u... u are one whole piece of crap so i won't talk to u... explanations, acting, trying to act pitiful... forget it cus i'm a much better actress then u are so u really just forget about talking to me to sort things out..
and this is why i love a7a so much
and to think i sounded so positive on faith's blog, now i sound so fucked up in my own blog...
i don't know...
maybe it's because he just played with my trust again and again and again... he just started a record...
i really don't have the energy to analyse whether he is kind hearted, or whether he has lots of family / personal problems, or character problems... it doesn't matter
"isn't good to have someone cry for u?"
i wonder... it is good to know that someone will cry for u... but i didn't feel good at all...
i didn't even feel touched at that point of time.. i was just overwhelmed by this guilt consuming me...
i hate myself for nt being able to control my emotions till now... it sucks sucks sucks... u have people who tell u to shutup cus u're pissin them off with ur insanity, u have ppl who think u're just no image pea brained idiot who suck in studying and wadever u do...
what do other ppl think of me... i wish i could know... i wish i could be more sure of the ans i found out...
but i guess most of the time i wouldn't want to know... i just wanna run away...
i am brain dead btw... since thurs... i think it just sort of shut off after e "mental breakdown" on thurs...
and yes... i won't talk to u... u are one whole piece of crap so i won't talk to u... explanations, acting, trying to act pitiful... forget it cus i'm a much better actress then u are so u really just forget about talking to me to sort things out..
and this is why i love a7a so much
and to think i sounded so positive on faith's blog, now i sound so fucked up in my own blog...
i don't know...
maybe it's because he just played with my trust again and again and again... he just started a record...
i really don't have the energy to analyse whether he is kind hearted, or whether he has lots of family / personal problems, or character problems... it doesn't matter
"isn't good to have someone cry for u?"
i wonder... it is good to know that someone will cry for u... but i didn't feel good at all...
i didn't even feel touched at that point of time.. i was just overwhelmed by this guilt consuming me...
i hate myself for nt being able to control my emotions till now... it sucks sucks sucks... u have people who tell u to shutup cus u're pissin them off with ur insanity, u have ppl who think u're just no image pea brained idiot who suck in studying and wadever u do...
what do other ppl think of me... i wish i could know... i wish i could be more sure of the ans i found out...
but i guess most of the time i wouldn't want to know... i just wanna run away...
Friday, January 13, 2006
thurs was a great day...
i'm truly amazed with myself... that i've manged to pick fights with people everywhere i go...
i'm such a bastard...
if there's anything more i need to say
it's just basically guilt, self blame and more guilt...
i don't think that it's because i come down too hard on myself...
more like i have problems controlling my emotions...
which sucks...
guilt never felt good....
and maybe sometimes in my process of trying to gain understanding from people is also the process where i feel most alone, abandoned, stupid and guilty...
the journey of self discovery was never meant to be easy....
sometimes i wish i just could tell u everything....
sometimes to tell you everything would make me weak...
and mr kh didn't improve his impression by giving a very dramatic speech plus an action of trying to be very kind and helpful made me hate him even more...
and yet despite all this self blame remains... and now i carry another heavier burden of guilt...
i'm sorry for making u cry...
i'm sorry for making u worry....
i'm really really sorry....
confessions of a teenage fucking bastard cum bitch...
i'm truly amazed with myself... that i've manged to pick fights with people everywhere i go...
i'm such a bastard...
if there's anything more i need to say
it's just basically guilt, self blame and more guilt...
i don't think that it's because i come down too hard on myself...
more like i have problems controlling my emotions...
which sucks...
guilt never felt good....
and maybe sometimes in my process of trying to gain understanding from people is also the process where i feel most alone, abandoned, stupid and guilty...
the journey of self discovery was never meant to be easy....
sometimes i wish i just could tell u everything....
sometimes to tell you everything would make me weak...
and mr kh didn't improve his impression by giving a very dramatic speech plus an action of trying to be very kind and helpful made me hate him even more...
and yet despite all this self blame remains... and now i carry another heavier burden of guilt...
i'm sorry for making u cry...
i'm sorry for making u worry....
i'm really really sorry....
confessions of a teenage fucking bastard cum bitch...
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
it's 4 days since i bothered to blog at all...
hurhur... very very long...
some ppl are still pissing me off very much as usual...
some ppl are very much freaking me out more than they have been in the past
some ppl are leaving me very much disgusted with their "noise"
and i just realised that my previous few entries were nt written by the normal me... wait... when was i normal? anway... my updates in my personal life, if u're interested... my grandma fell down and knocked her head again and bled. my dad most probably will be closing down his company nxt year... tell me to smile...
maybe i was wallowing in self pity as usual... just that it got out of hand... i've been snapping at everyone in the house... my mum is not helping much... i try not to blame her...
but i guess i'm back from the emtional roller coaster ride somehow...
saw this 5 bucks disney cd which i very much to buy at the area outside bugis
and this cute tigger in mini toons tt cost 4bucks...
how i wish i could rob a bank... and think of mr quek...
there are things that i need to get used to... like my class... i'm so sorry to say this but i'm nt a great fan of 05a7a... pls assainate me... i can't be bothered... i just need to neutralise myself to some irritating ppl...
i need to get used to my long breaks by staying in one place and actually studying or doing something instead of running around the school trying to get attention...
i need to get used to the new rubbish piling up on me...
and now i feel like i'm writing new year resolution 11 days after the 1st day of new year and another new year coming in about a few weeks time... which means... cedar and some meeting with pals *hugs junjie*
some things that i feel need celebration is that my relationship with some ppl have improved... which is good... cus now at least i won't dread going to CCAs... just regretful that it took me so long... and another thing is that i'm doing something about my econs... although alot more needs to be done.
things that i need very much
1. more stress to kill me
2. that all this rubbish would end and i can concentrate on my studies...
3. i need myself... i need to stand firm... be strong...
hurhur... very very long...
some ppl are still pissing me off very much as usual...
some ppl are very much freaking me out more than they have been in the past
some ppl are leaving me very much disgusted with their "noise"
and i just realised that my previous few entries were nt written by the normal me... wait... when was i normal? anway... my updates in my personal life, if u're interested... my grandma fell down and knocked her head again and bled. my dad most probably will be closing down his company nxt year... tell me to smile...
maybe i was wallowing in self pity as usual... just that it got out of hand... i've been snapping at everyone in the house... my mum is not helping much... i try not to blame her...
but i guess i'm back from the emtional roller coaster ride somehow...
saw this 5 bucks disney cd which i very much to buy at the area outside bugis
and this cute tigger in mini toons tt cost 4bucks...
how i wish i could rob a bank... and think of mr quek...
there are things that i need to get used to... like my class... i'm so sorry to say this but i'm nt a great fan of 05a7a... pls assainate me... i can't be bothered... i just need to neutralise myself to some irritating ppl...
i need to get used to my long breaks by staying in one place and actually studying or doing something instead of running around the school trying to get attention...
i need to get used to the new rubbish piling up on me...
and now i feel like i'm writing new year resolution 11 days after the 1st day of new year and another new year coming in about a few weeks time... which means... cedar and some meeting with pals *hugs junjie*
some things that i feel need celebration is that my relationship with some ppl have improved... which is good... cus now at least i won't dread going to CCAs... just regretful that it took me so long... and another thing is that i'm doing something about my econs... although alot more needs to be done.
things that i need very much
1. more stress to kill me
2. that all this rubbish would end and i can concentrate on my studies...
3. i need myself... i need to stand firm... be strong...
March
The colour for the month of March is Fair Aqua. Dreamy & illusive, this colour helps guide ppl b/w conscious & subconscious worlds. Fair Aqua evokes the qualities of trust & clarity. Neptune, god of the oceans presides over the month of March.
31st March
Jacaranda PANTONE
Capable Kind Instinctive
you know how to get the job done. you are not afraid of hard word & can carry more than your share of responsibility. you have a good sense of humour & are kind and loving partner & friend. your personal colour reminds you when it is time to take care of urself & when it is time to compromise. being by the water is often helpful to your sense of well-being.
taken from colorstrology
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Dear diary..
i want to die...
because the world is sucky...
because either i'm having depression or pms now...
because people are weird...
because people behave weird...
because i'm stressed over don't know what...
because my results are like shit...
because i'm scared and i hate depression...
because i am not doing anything constructive...
because my mum doesn't understand and has to make my hate list even longer...
what's her problem... why is it that we have to understand and be patient with her and her bloody temper and she is not understanding towards mine...
what the fuck is ur problem? huh?
thanks for making my life so much more wonderful at the time when i least wantit to be...
r.i.p. simin
fuck u too...
simin...
i want to die...
because the world is sucky...
because either i'm having depression or pms now...
because people are weird...
because people behave weird...
because i'm stressed over don't know what...
because my results are like shit...
because i'm scared and i hate depression...
because i am not doing anything constructive...
because my mum doesn't understand and has to make my hate list even longer...
what's her problem... why is it that we have to understand and be patient with her and her bloody temper and she is not understanding towards mine...
what the fuck is ur problem? huh?
thanks for making my life so much more wonderful at the time when i least wantit to be...
r.i.p. simin
fuck u too...
simin...
Friday, January 06, 2006
everyone is sad...
which is bad...
hurhur it rhymes...
study study study...
things i need to keep in control
1. my tone... be more polite, be more receptive
2. my temper.... dun flare but u can be sad... (wad?? better den getting angry rite? lolx)
3. my insanity.... (i can't find my medication)
so... work on it... gah... reminds me of hong lou meng... xi ren xia zhen gui... dotx dotx dotx...
wadever....
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come
which is bad...
hurhur it rhymes...
study study study...
things i need to keep in control
1. my tone... be more polite, be more receptive
2. my temper.... dun flare but u can be sad... (wad?? better den getting angry rite? lolx)
3. my insanity.... (i can't find my medication)
so... work on it... gah... reminds me of hong lou meng... xi ren xia zhen gui... dotx dotx dotx...
wadever....
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come
Thursday, January 05, 2006
SHUTUP SIMIN JUST SHUT UP...
the world would be such a nicer place w.o u....
love is selfless... just that i haven got a chance to see it...
tired tired tired tired tired tired....
i hate my laughter, i hate my looks, i'm short fat disgusting, irritating...i'm just noise...
i'm wallowing in self pity so pls ignore me...
i might be changing blog add soon... dun bother me too...
hurhurhur.... ms leong is in ajc now... my heart is there... just wish i could be there personally as well...
i think it's just pms... damnit... i wanna be a homosexual... then i won't have this dumb hell of woman issues...
missing u like crazy... like no not guys but everyone in cedar... shit shit shit....
see my brain is not working.... faith, weilian jiayou jiayou... take care too :)
melissa my dear mao mao, although i know u don't read my blog, i'm just writing here all the same... happy birthday.... i'll give u ur surprise soon... so srry...
sometimes i am greedy... to wish for all my friends to gather together and throw me a big birthday bash, with presents, surprises and all the rubbish i could ever want...
sometimes i'm just contented... with ur presence, love & friendship... because all these mean everything to me...
SIMIN... pls go & die now...
& here's a tear for me before i die...
the world would be such a nicer place w.o u....
love is selfless... just that i haven got a chance to see it...
tired tired tired tired tired tired....
i hate my laughter, i hate my looks, i'm short fat disgusting, irritating...i'm just noise...
i'm wallowing in self pity so pls ignore me...
i might be changing blog add soon... dun bother me too...
hurhurhur.... ms leong is in ajc now... my heart is there... just wish i could be there personally as well...
i think it's just pms... damnit... i wanna be a homosexual... then i won't have this dumb hell of woman issues...
missing u like crazy... like no not guys but everyone in cedar... shit shit shit....
see my brain is not working.... faith, weilian jiayou jiayou... take care too :)
melissa my dear mao mao, although i know u don't read my blog, i'm just writing here all the same... happy birthday.... i'll give u ur surprise soon... so srry...
sometimes i am greedy... to wish for all my friends to gather together and throw me a big birthday bash, with presents, surprises and all the rubbish i could ever want...
sometimes i'm just contented... with ur presence, love & friendship... because all these mean everything to me...
SIMIN... pls go & die now...
& here's a tear for me before i die...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
曾子曰：吾日三省吾身，为人谋而不忠乎？与朋友交而不信乎？传不习乎？
曾子说：我每一天都以下列三件事来自我反省：一是我为别人谋划办事是否有尽心尽力？二是我与朋友交往有没有做到诚实信用？三是我有没有把一些未经过自己反复思考、演练确定为真的东西传授给别人？
《礼记‧大学》：“古之欲明明德于天下者，先治其国。欲治其国者，先齐其家，欲齐其家者， 先修其身。欲修其身者，先正其心。欲正其心者，先诚其意。欲诚其意者，先致其知。致知在格物。”
forgive me... i'm being cranky... my mum just scolded me for eating chicken liver for lunch... like i even care... and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! MY FAV CD JUST CRACKED IN MY COMPUTER!!! DAMNIT..... now all my nice songs are gone... *cries* i'm just losing faith in technology everyday... most probably i'll get trapped in the school lift & die of hyperventilation... FUCK... urgh... >.<
and today my teacher told us a story of how to not pass a death judgement on someone quickly cus every one makes mistakes... i'm really in no mood to hear her talk cus my grandma's problem is distracting me alot... i don't know why... even though i'm nt really close to her or antyhing....
maybe i'm just... to have an adult apologise sincerely to u is really disturbing... it just happened all so suddenly, when i was visiting her one day... she just suddenly apologised to us... it just makes me wanna hug her & tell her it's okay... but i'm just scared i'll crush her with my body weight... & the problem is we have a huge language barrier... even tough i can communicate in teochew... it's another matter altogether when u want me to speak with a 90 plus grandma... i can only manage with a few yars, erms, erhum etc... i'm just a pathetic granddaughter...
i guess to have someone leave me permanently is just something very new... & too real for me to accept.... i was so desperate that i made a pact with the tiny plant i bought from a excursion trip during sec 4, that if you grow well, my maternal grandma who had a minor stroke would recover & that nothing bad will happen to her.... i'm just stupid... even till now...
i'm just praying & praying & praying whenever i think of her... it's weird...
i remembered a talk that we attended during sec sch... the speaker went through with us the different methods of de-stressing. some prefer to talk about it alot, others prefer to keep quiet...
i think i talk alot... it heals the pain anyway...
i had wanted to write something inspirational... but i guess the cracked CD just distracted me from whatever inspiration stuff i wanted to write...
what is a real person? someone who's candid or frank about what he or she says? i don't know... maybe ppl define real as people who show no reserve in their emotions... if they're real, then all the people around them are fake... cus
1. no one dares to provocate this ppl with "real" emotions, therefore, they would be very careful in the speech & actions... making them very much unreal...
2. real people thus because of their inability to show reserve in their emotions, will hit out at anyone should anything go against them, thus, if others were also "real", WWIII would most probably ensue.
i rmbed ms tan used to tell us during lep lessons that the society is governed by a set of rules, either play by them, or u fall... i used to disagree with her, cus it sounded stupid & overly realistic & i thought maybe she's overly ambitous to climb up the social ladder as well....
but if you look at it this way.. the society is indeed governed by rules... u can never be urself because u don't know who would just turn against u once they see ur vulnarability. u cannot risk pissing people off cus u're not leaving a leeway for urself should the person want to hit back twice as hard. how can u even be urself? unless u love being an outcast...
sometimes, the dumbest & blurest people may be the people with the most secrets & posses the strongest will& ability to survive...
曾子说：我每一天都以下列三件事来自我反省：一是我为别人谋划办事是否有尽心尽力？二是我与朋友交往有没有做到诚实信用？三是我有没有把一些未经过自己反复思考、演练确定为真的东西传授给别人？
《礼记‧大学》：“古之欲明明德于天下者，先治其国。欲治其国者，先齐其家，欲齐其家者， 先修其身。欲修其身者，先正其心。欲正其心者，先诚其意。欲诚其意者，先致其知。致知在格物。”
forgive me... i'm being cranky... my mum just scolded me for eating chicken liver for lunch... like i even care... and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! MY FAV CD JUST CRACKED IN MY COMPUTER!!! DAMNIT..... now all my nice songs are gone... *cries* i'm just losing faith in technology everyday... most probably i'll get trapped in the school lift & die of hyperventilation... FUCK... urgh... >.<
and today my teacher told us a story of how to not pass a death judgement on someone quickly cus every one makes mistakes... i'm really in no mood to hear her talk cus my grandma's problem is distracting me alot... i don't know why... even though i'm nt really close to her or antyhing....
maybe i'm just... to have an adult apologise sincerely to u is really disturbing... it just happened all so suddenly, when i was visiting her one day... she just suddenly apologised to us... it just makes me wanna hug her & tell her it's okay... but i'm just scared i'll crush her with my body weight... & the problem is we have a huge language barrier... even tough i can communicate in teochew... it's another matter altogether when u want me to speak with a 90 plus grandma... i can only manage with a few yars, erms, erhum etc... i'm just a pathetic granddaughter...
i guess to have someone leave me permanently is just something very new... & too real for me to accept.... i was so desperate that i made a pact with the tiny plant i bought from a excursion trip during sec 4, that if you grow well, my maternal grandma who had a minor stroke would recover & that nothing bad will happen to her.... i'm just stupid... even till now...
i'm just praying & praying & praying whenever i think of her... it's weird...
i remembered a talk that we attended during sec sch... the speaker went through with us the different methods of de-stressing. some prefer to talk about it alot, others prefer to keep quiet...
i think i talk alot... it heals the pain anyway...
i had wanted to write something inspirational... but i guess the cracked CD just distracted me from whatever inspiration stuff i wanted to write...
what is a real person? someone who's candid or frank about what he or she says? i don't know... maybe ppl define real as people who show no reserve in their emotions... if they're real, then all the people around them are fake... cus
1. no one dares to provocate this ppl with "real" emotions, therefore, they would be very careful in the speech & actions... making them very much unreal...
2. real people thus because of their inability to show reserve in their emotions, will hit out at anyone should anything go against them, thus, if others were also "real", WWIII would most probably ensue.
i rmbed ms tan used to tell us during lep lessons that the society is governed by a set of rules, either play by them, or u fall... i used to disagree with her, cus it sounded stupid & overly realistic & i thought maybe she's overly ambitous to climb up the social ladder as well....
but if you look at it this way.. the society is indeed governed by rules... u can never be urself because u don't know who would just turn against u once they see ur vulnarability. u cannot risk pissing people off cus u're not leaving a leeway for urself should the person want to hit back twice as hard. how can u even be urself? unless u love being an outcast...
sometimes, the dumbest & blurest people may be the people with the most secrets & posses the strongest will& ability to survive...
Sunday, January 01, 2006
*drools*....
okok... i know i know... but i think nokia has got the best phones around... i want this...
gahx...
dream on....
go check out the NOKIA website... the animations are really cool... and i love the floral patterns too *bangs head against wall*
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