so this is what happens?!

Freaky Friday said to buy a gift for myself because I'm "special". Yeah right. I'm so special mentally that I hate myself totally for it...suddenly felt like crying today. I don't know what triggered it on but I just felt like crying. I'm still not myself.. I hate it... our new class is very quiet but I didn't really bother cus I suddenly had this urge to not talk to anyone... this is so damn freaky & irritating because I only had this urge in the past. I feel so desperate, despotic, frustrated... received presents today & yesterday, & lots of bday wishes today but it didn't make up for my pure stupidity today.. I feel guilty for no reason what so ever... because my friend got pissed off? Ok... I'm irritating I know.. urgh.. I've this constant feeling which is bugging me to prove myself, to show the others I am not what they see... especially to ms tan...maybe it's because of the costume thing... I just hate it when people say I'm irresponsible because I'm sure I'm not & I don't know why she had to misunderstand me this way...it was largely due to my mother's insistence to wash the costume herself & the rest was just my pure stupidity to agree to it!I don't seem to be making any sense am I? I'm a piece of junk trying to prove that I'm not junk.
I'm going crazy over u, & I'm disgusted by myself for even feeling this way. I assume this is another stupid infatuation & I'm damn glad that in terms of BGR, I'll just leave my feelings hidden. This is only thing that I like about myself cause I won't do anything stupid!

Ppl I miss most:Junjie, zhuang jing, plus some others scholars, Lynn, Yisha, Julia, Melissa, 4I excluding ltb. I miss cldds where it had a thousand & one reasons to make me cry, the cca where I almost gave up my studies for. I don't feel the same way for ccs. Maybe because of the bitch that's inside but maybe it's because I'm scared that I can't prove myself in time to be worthy of leadership position... I don't know why but I'm just so desperate to be in some committee... haha.. I'm crazy but I need some responsibilities to distract me from all this shit in sch. I realized that this entry has only 1 pair of haha so I shall haha more.. hahahahahahahahahaha... I always get the last laugh.. lame me..

affections

mood: happie
msn nick: dun haf msn with me now...sad

ok...so i'm in the sch lep rm now tryin to burn the inuyasha disc and waste some time before the sch's cca bazaar. dear looks sad today, or more like worn out... but no recent injuries so i just hope that she's ok... had a more of a heart to heart talk with ms nice yesterday. it feels weird talking to her, cause she sorts of like puts a barrier when it comes to like personal stuff, maybe it's because of this then she won't be as emotionally affected as i am when it comes to deal with the stresses of life + those of ur friends.
suddenly missed geraldine alot... i mean like we used to be very close for a while, then we just let time take us apart, which is kind of sad... but none of us bothered to keep our friendship alive so whatever was left of it was quite obvious... candice said something worth giving a thought...to have affections (for a girl) isn't a sin, is what you do with these affections that make it a sin...
it sort of made sense to me since sec 3 since i went crazy over this bunch of ppl but i mean haha... at least i hadn't sinned.
something worth taking note...i feel happy for the first time since year 2005 started. truly happy and over the moon. i signed up for almost all activities in lep which i usually wouldn't even have bothered... weird me but i still feel high.. HAPPY... that's a very nice & sweet lingering feeling inside... maybe it's because of tml...haha... rebirth... that's the thing... rebirth to a new me... maybe this feeling is telling me to make full use of it, just like i should make full use of my 2 years life in jc...
what's more worth celebrating than having the ability to live & be with those u love.. cheers to friendship and all other bonds that bind...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

self reflection, i need to change

mood: rheumatismish
msn nick: 我绝望,我哭泣,你当时又在何处

things tt are spoilt
1. my brain
2. my printer
3. my social interaction skills machine
4. my health

wadever... ok great, now i have 2 parrots who mimicks wadever i say. this is great. my sense of humour is damn dry, i have not made anyone laugh to their hearts content since i left 4 i and since i left the back row. i am not myself, which is good... but i am changing back to my old self.. which is bad.. i rather be reserved & keep quiet & let others assume that i had never existed at all.. now u have guys around this sch, they keep nagging at you to be less boyish & more lady like... ok... change change is needed...

ways to implment change
1. shut dup that horrible laugh.
2. stop screaming for god's sake... u're not in cedar any more
4. stop being hyper as if u're high or smthing...
5. be active @ the correct times

i sometimes wonder if i'm hyper active as well.. i can't focus properly, i get high & excited all of a sudden & start jumping around like a nut case which makes ppl ponder if i'm really human or not... the problem now lies in do i wanna change? do i need to change? sometimes u just live ur live as u have lived for that countless years & hope that things that u hate will go away... sometimes it does..sometimes it doesn't... i miss my friends alot... they like me the way i am, not like this school, they don't, they like me the way they expect me to be...even the teachers... maybe cedar has been too good to me, and now that i have left my comfort zone, everything just doesn't seem to be right...
you feel so tired, so jaded like you've experienced war or something when in fact others have gone through more... i can do it...or can't i?

i looked at the photos that we took, and i thought of you... are u thinking of me too?

things to ponder
1. i need to change, that's final
2. i need to constantly remind myself that i'm a girl!
3. i need to constantly remind myself that i'm no longer in cedar
4. i need to widen my social circle in ny
5. i have to learn to love
6. i need to slim down damit!

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

X my heart & hope to die

mood: headache & mentally dead
msn nick: no new nick..this is so damn lame.. i need inspiration

i'm so amazed @ how my sis can update her blog almost everyday w/o fail & still have so much things to write.
meanwhile, i shall start whining about how my mum sucks cause she thinks she's the top of the world, & that everyone shld just kneel down & idolise her or some crap. she's still bitching about how i didn't manage to wake up on time to serve her royal highness & make her feel better when she was damn not feeling well. ok.. i admit i was abit slow but HELLO, i'm slping, if u want me to jump up immediately from the bed and make you feel better, you're such a bloody asshole (which basically you are now!) then you start whining to everybody saying if you faint @ home nobody will notice, u might as well die and stuff... like i even care a shit about u dead or alive. since u like to embrace death so eagerly, go hug ur coffin u bloody asshole. you think i'm supposed too wait on u 24/7?! u think i'm not guilty enough not bveing able to make u feel better!? u think i don't care!? FUCK U FUCK U FUCK U! & the worse thing is, while i'm trying to make up for what i did wrong, you block all attempts, snatching the medicine from me while i was trying to prepare for you, shoving me away while i attempted to serve u the medicine. if u're so eager to drink this shit, why not u go down & buy the freaking medicine & drink to ur death u bitch! i HATE U HATE U. go bitch around if u must. i swear i'll be immunue to all ur shit. i can't believe u're such a blockhead.
so now, i have a bad headache cum stomachache. i'm still trying to recover from the sickness that the bloody cow had spread. here's another asshole of our family which our bitchy mum loves to the core because he's made of shit.
in fact, i don't feel like moving forward. i just feel like standing where i am now and just rot to my death. i hate jc life because it is stupid. i wanna be alone and i don't feel like being sociable & likeable. i'm so aimless.. feel like a mist, drifting in b/w the realms of the living and dead (& with my mum constant naggin as the background music) i rather stay in hell. it's been a while since i am such a bitch, friends are all over the place, here & there, ppl so close to you, yet u just feel like force of friendship is repelling you away from them instead of attracting you closer to them. i need life, i need synergy, i need these forces that are so lacking in me now to push me forward.
mercy killing... i think suicide is mercy killing too... relief from this world, from this so stupid world....
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

bleed to death

mood: morbid
msn nick: i hate myself,for not being there to help u when u needed comfort the most

i'm close to dying of boredom. nothing sucks more than nyjc's orientation, be it one or two.
reasons as to why it sucks.
1. they organise an event that tests our iq level & assume that everyone's intelligence is comparable with that of a primary sch kid
2. some faction elders are so childish, that explains for the childishness of the skits & cheers (i wonder if they have a childhood)
3. the cheers are done @ the speed of that of a baby crawling, as a result, we either lose the tempo half way, do not even get spurred to continue cheering, or fall asleep half way. many, i observed, are just contented to let ogls finish the stupid job of making noises.
4. i am in the same grp as the SQUARE! can u believe it, this honour is bestowed upon me of which i cannot reject as it is too great and honour to reject. he carries his freaking laptop around as this is some big corporate which cannot live without him. the fact is, we'll all lead a happier life without him ard.
5. the circle is the ogl?! great, having the square ard is already a blessing in disguise, now we have a circle walking around in his duman pe shorts leading our new j1 students. do nyjc lack caring and responsible students so much that we have to put a circle in this task?!
6.it is such a magnificant sight, to see half of the cohort openly walk out of the school gates halfway through teh orientation , that one feels so compelled by common sense and any form of human reasoning that u just have to continue to uphold their cause and walk out of the sch gate as well.
i guess this 6 reasons are enough to support my stand... even my classmate who is an ogl was damn disappointed when he sees ppl walking out of this thing... who can blame him but i guess when he really stands in our shoes, he'll know why nyjc o1 & o2 sucks the life out of us.
so now, sch sucks, life @ home sucks as well.. dun noe why. i mean just like u don't need a reason to love somebody, u don't need a reason to say why it sucks as well. just that alot of thing we take in life for granted, sometimes, we neglect the things closest to us as well. and when communicationg breaks down, all others fall apart as well, even strongest bonds like family ties..
then when u suddenly feel like nthing is left in this world for u to live on, u think of death, death as a release, death as a way to see who really cared abt ur existance. what is death? a question i constantly ask, cause sometimes death seems like the only way, but other times, it seemed more like a sin.. or maybe because my stand in life in strong, i don't have a aim, just do well do well in everything that i do.. how do i define everything? anything that comes my way...
maybe that's how i'll live for the rest of my life? aimless, lifeless, a body w/o soul?...


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

why are u doing this to urself

mood: depressed
msn nick: sinking into the depths of depression

i feel it coming back gradually, i'm tryin to stop it but my attempts so far have seemed futile, for it was either a feigned defeat or it manage to keep out of sight, i didn't really care...
i don't know why you are touring yourself, is this and act of selfishness? like what they others always say? no it's not, i know it's dispair, but what drives u to despair? i know you have tried to leave the shadows behind but they keep coming back.... they're coming back to my mind as well... i feel so lost... i do not understand... perserverance is what that pushes u on, even after you fall, ur experience is worse then mine, you keep telling me to be strong, to be happy, but what about you? you care so much about other's happiness until u are neglecting your own aren't you? why do you fear the shadow when you know here in a new environment, you have already found ppl who understands, who are so willing to guide you when you're lost...
the fear is taking over me, i need to pen this down.. it may even sound stupid later on but i don't care... for those who feel weak, pls live on, death is never equals to that peace, death solves no problems........
fuck fuck fuck....... i hate everything........
the ironies......... shit....... i'm crying.......

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

larbish

mood: my nose is so going to drop off
msn nick: kazaa suxs

have nthing to write basically...
just wondering how some ppl's lives can be so meaningless, they can live a life where studies do not matter a single bit to them at all, where they have no aim in life and they can juz waste their life away doing other things that are so... trivial...
or maybe we have programmed ourselves to put studies as everything that without it we basically lose our goal in life?
i don't seem to be making any sense do i? my mum's going to take the freakin modem wire away soon so i don't think i can go online as often as i want to..
nyjc is damn slack so in fact, no one plans to do any homework... or wadever that we are assigned to do...
my special day is coming soon... but i guess the gifts don't really matter..
so wad's my philosophy in life for today? life suxs?
my head is like throwing me off balance, like the top is made of lead & my body is made of polyform...
thy shall perform a ritual, to cleanse me of my past sins, to revive my soul once more, to accept the grace of heaven, and live thou life to the fullest.. rubbish.... more like rubbish... i'm not makin any sense.
sometimes i wonder if i should even live at all...
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

38.4 degress & going up

mood: feverish
msn nick: 因为没有永恒，所以珍惜

so i was chased home by my mother today.. well not exactly chased home but then she had to call through the hp & starts whining that i've been slacking & stuff, says i'm wasting my time & all the other rubbish.. the initial frustration was that i wanted to juz squeeze my hand over & fight with her or something.. therefore, my mood for the rest of the day was quite spoilt. (disadvantages of modern technology...) surprisingly, after a while, i was quite pleased with myself that i wasn't as angry as i should have been or would have been in the past... oh wells
meanwhile, my brain is being cooked, steamed, deep fried by the fever. i wonder what human brians taste like, isit similar to that of a pig brain since we're not much different from them in terms of stupidity.
haven been thinking much for a while, dun really wanna care what happens around me.. personally, SOS is a stupid place because they state the obvious, because what i need is not a listening ear, but a sense of direction, of where i'm going in life, what i wanna be in life. but i guess for others, especially girls according the teacher, just want a listening ear.. i guess that's fine with me (although this has led me to doubt my sexuality... wadever)
still can't deny that my failure to do well in baiyungang has been bugging me alot recently.. i'm sorry but i guess the more ppl tell me it's good, the more i don't believe. and then suddenly, someone grants my wish and tells me that i didn't really do very well, my confidence level basically plunged... isn't my reaction damn ironic?
wadever... feel like sleeping on forever.. i mean isn't it like cool? u don't get bothered by anything... in fact nothing at all...

~i would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

woof!

mood: dogish, due to mr goh's dog.. i'm in love with dogs!
msn nick: pickin up pieces of me which i left behind. U HAVE TO MOVE ON! I'M BEGGING U..

so now, i've added a song to my blog as my background music, specifically a ballad..:p to all users who find this irritating.. too bad... i find the console version too.. juz a freaking eye sore to be perfectly honest..

so now... where shall i begin?? ok.. we had bbq today @ weiting cum mr r. goh's condo, nice view, good weather.. food was nice, ate lots of curry.. ok.. this narration is boring.. played badminton just before i went the bbq.. guess it must have drained me out mentally so my actions were basically propelled by a in born instinct to eat.

yuanjun came along later.. alot of ppl started to wonder if he was my bf or smthing.. dotx.. like i'll really bring my bf to show off or smthing..

so now, as i waste the rest of my holiday away... still trying to prepare the photos and stuff.. life suddenly becomes so monotonous.. like a ritual.. the quote.. to create ur own path, ur own identity.. the problem is, almost every path has been trempled upon, every unsearch area explored & even exploited.. meanwhile... teens are struggling with an identity crisis... ironic...

go to slp.... zzzzz...
[IMG]http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y50/estelwen_yang/19f819c6.jpg[/IMG]
~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

confrontation of my weakness

mood:minutely depressed by cheered up by legolas
msn nick:I HATE MYSELF!..

here are a list of my weakness
1. i'm mentally weak
--> i collapse easily under stress(esp. long termed)
2. i'm phsically weak
--> my ankle gets fractured easily due to my immense weight & my small feet, i have difficulty reathing after running
3.high tendancy to splurge everything i have on close friends
--> thinks tt friends are materialistic & only stick to you becus u buy gifts for them. but true friends do not do this, thus it seems tt my level of trust for my friends is very low & my definition of friends still needs to be edited.
4.have low or totally no confidence or faith in myself
--> have this feeling that i'll ruin a competition or a performance, that i'll forget lines &stand on the stage looking like a total idiot. eventually, i do screw up the whole thing & disappoint everyone, but to a large extent, myself
5.tendancy to speak & act w/o thinking but mostly based on impulsion
--> ends up offending & insulting ppl, regretting it so much later on that e sense of guilt become highly unbrearable & causes me to break down, thus appologising profusely to whoever was involved.
6. self-disillusions myself by believeing that i am actually good in chinese when in fact i'm not
--> am still holding on to this self disillusion, plans to continue to take LEP & prove to myself that this is not an illusion but a fact that my chinese is worthy of me to be called a descendant of a dragon
7. am ugly & fat
--> not to the extreme but is enough to make me not wear tight clothes & be proud of my figure...

let's see... what about strengths... sorry to disappoint but none whatsoever. do not bother to think & do not bother to self create some artificial ones to boost my confidence level as all this is temporary. life's a bitch when you realized that everything you believe in was actually a lie... i used to think that i was good in story telling, in fact, a damn good expert. but the fact is, i was never close to even having the potential. i haf to admit i sucked, of all competitions i participated, none got into finals (of which other team members say because the judges are biased towards good schs like nygh or THE CHINESE HIGH). but let's face reality shan't well, our grp didn't fo well cus we just didn't have the x factor & i believe to a large extent, i had actually dragged them down to the mosh pit.

so now, i'm facing a new life, a new sch, a new environment, out of courtesy & cultural purposes of that of a chinese to actually deny what they are trully good at, i proudly annouced that my chinese sucked when i delightfully thought that it was quite good.. someone juz dumped a 100 tonne pile of mosh onto me, literarily grabbed hold of my pride to used it to wipe up the mosh.. the feeling of being flushed down the toilet bowl.. by simply saying, ur chinese suxs... now i feel damn depressed because of this stupid i don't know whether he meant it or not sentence. stupid me or stupid whoever it is... i don't hate him.. just hate myself for not being able to face up to reality.

so i guess, in life, alot of things just don't make much sense.. do they? i guess i still need to brush up on my various definitions in life.. that's for sure..

~ill'd have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

boring........

mood:peaceful
msn nick:death is nvr an option, until u have really contributed much to society..

so now i feel peacful, after a sudden urge to vomit out everything i ate in some "posh restaurant" for me & my brother's bday dinner at pariss. stuffed myself with raw salmon, oysters & other seafood u don't usually eat anywhere else...

so tml is some qing gong yan... dun noe wad to wear... dun really care.. liar! haha.. sort of patched things up with my sister.. so like somehow, life is back onto e right track again..

hopefully, things will stay as it is.. posting of schools will be released soon... just hoping to get into e interview for e scholarship..

fren juz lost gf.. depressed... tian di xia, qing wei he wu? now i understand why teachers and parents discourage students from getting into BGR... so tiring, so time cosuming...
now life's like so boring.. gotta find something else to do.. like study china history like dat.. wilson's my model! lolx

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

melanchony

mood: lost
msn nick: 也许我太多管闲事了…小百合..SaYurI~élraina Esteltaura

so this becomes my first entry dairy not made in opendiary... a feeling of home away from home..
this week hasn't been so good... it seemed like a year during the period when these happens. first was how i spoilt my costume... i was there trying to find a way to pay ms tan back while mum was trying to push this thing away by making it sound as if it is teacher who is at fault. dry wash u dumbass.. now i feel guilty too.. i guess i really do have to catch up alot on responsibility. reflect reflect...
den my friend self mutilates herself... haix... i know my condition may not b as bad as hers in e past but i suddenly realized how my friends felt @ tt time when they were tryin to help me but i stubbornly thought that no one was there for me, no one understands, why should i even disturb them...
so much to write... but my eyelids are slamming shut... if everything was so not real.. euthopia. pursue happiness... pursue.. how do u define happiness? by monetary, relationships or by interest...? what do we choose when all of them mean so much to me? does this policy even useful? interest does not mean u'll fill ur stomach..relationships are always so fragile and susceptible to the microscopic changes in life? a little stress here & there plus the need to please ppl constantly might juz be the fine concortion of a cocktail that results in even family members losing faith in one another..

take care... my dearest...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come