pain should never be justified

there shld never be justifications for pain

because with the justification n reasons

u can only sink d.e.e.p.e.r

in ur own pain

u’ll be fine. u’re fine. smile.

that’s always e first step to +ve ness. u’ve done it before u can do it again, again, n again. for e ppl u love, n for urself. =)

to faith. to hope. to light

round 2 fail

i wanted to tell u that i told u so

if anything, it's not that i didn't warn u to take ur time before u went into it again

u

just

don't

listen

but then again

maybe if i were in e same situation

i might nt have fared any better.

but still now i noe

love is not unconditional

love is not selfless

love

is

not

let's hope that this pain will be when u learn

because i've already said what i needed to say

寂寞的理由

I’d like to run away

From you,

But if you didn’t come

And find me…

I would die.

Shirley Bassey

wad u said was all that i needed to hear

X) thank u.


some part of me just told me that this is too good to be true.

because loneliness seems to be the only explanation



爱是一个自私的念头 把寂寞消除的理由

剩下的那些感动 能记得多久

感恩

要懂得感恩

才会快乐，珍惜

但是

要如何感恩？

i am confused.

lol

randomness u simin

woooooooooooo

dun think this will last.

r.e.a.s.o.n.f.o.u.n.d

it takes more not to believe than to believe in the existance of supernatural, ie God.

i think today i saw another side of u

n then i realised

we're in truly different worlds

if u had believed that free will is given to men

n men do stray from the path that is destinied for them

then i would rather see it as i had the free will to choose

n i chose this path because i believed that i am here because of what i can see

and i am here because of every single person i've met

gd or bad

they've made me who i am

and

because i still give thanks

for every single thing and person in my life.

this is my destiny

and this is how i see it.

r.e.a.s.o.n.f.o.u.n.d

i need to let this go away.

i wish i had time to think abt why this is hurting me so much

but it is not helping me that my exams are this wk

n u fucking hell had to come in n apologise me n shove me with e truth.

which was nothing new

but still hurt me like hell

sometimes

it is better to be in denial.

and dellusional

that's why i'm a fucking athetist.

i'm so good at running away from things.



i can only hope i wun screw this exams. n i hate u A. ilamurugan.
i really really hate u.

n i'm so glad i didn't cut myself because of u. because e scars are so not worth it for u.

but the truth is

i dun understand how this is just going to work out.

i hate myself. really

i dun understand what is going on

when all along when i tot i was in control

.bitch.

needs to check in to IMH. fuck.

i'm so useless. always feel so depressed.

always.

stupid

hahahahahaha

madness max

but the truth is

i love u.

i always did.

reminder

Dear Simin

considering all possiblities that u haf listed out for urself

this is just a reminder that it is not even remotely possible so get over urself.

kthnxbye

From
Ur rational self

shame

if anything, i m very thankful that my family is not into this religion thing, cept for my mum n her buddha 'burn incense for me after i die' thing.

but the thing is

once in a while when i hang out with ppl who are very pious

it just makes me question my own beliefs alot

it's always easier to follow what others believe in

but then again,

i always wonder

is my reason for holding on so tightly to atheism

a result of an unexplainable fear that i might be proven wrong

or is it because atheism has always been based on nothing

if i lose this belief

what else do i have to hold on to?

because i still can't forget that long pause u gave me when i asked u what u believed in

that long, unsure and awkward pause

before u said

atheism

like there was this fear of being judged,

this unmistakable sense of shame

n from that day onwards

i carried that shame with u too

random random

i can't help but wonder.

who exactly are u

but then again.

we don't even know it ourselves too.

how do u work

without trust?

the attention seeking cheap slut speaks

in a short span of 2 wks

i have been told that i am cheap and that i should treat myself with more respect

and that i am a slut who seeks attention by putting ppl down.

by two different guys

from NIE.

and i am thankful that i wasn't depressed enough to actually believe them or cut myself or maybe just happily fling myself off some 7 storey NIE building.

just my luck.

let's clear the air shall we

i don't understand wad u mean by:

But u seem to enjoy it. Everyone could see it.

At the expense of someone's dignity and pride...

sorry i don't wanna bother u about this. take care

who was everyone? or u mean u and ur gd friend who took it personally?

at whose dignity or pride?

u don't wanna bother me abt what? You tell me so many hurtful things, and then without any further explanation, u go on to say u don't wanna bother me? really. u are soooo considerate aren't you?

you serious, after u shoot me down, stab me, and spit on me, u ask me to take care.

so u sriously thought that i was out to put anyone in a difficult position at all?

so u sriously thought that i was enjoying every moment of it?

if anything, i would have expected u to know me better. out of every frigging one there. i though u wld have been the one to know better what my outburst was for and what triggered it. yet the people who were not close to me understood perfectly what i was trying to say. it's just that they didn't say it. I was the one who was stupid enough to say it. YET AGAIN.

u, on the other hand made me out to be this psycho freak that enjoyed attention and putting everyone down.

sure. i shld guess that a little part of me enjoyed that moment of attention when everyone was listening to me.

i guess u never truly understood why i joined this club for the 3rd time. which was why u were so quick to believe when i told u that i joined for hall points and u went around telling people that, i haf no idea with what ur intention was at all. and i had to hear what u said about me, from someone else. awesome really.

and i guess tt was y u were also so quick to believe that i had the intention to hurt anyone in particular when all i was really concerned about, was why was OTE giving us, as a club, so much problems and why, is no one angry that OTE is giving us so much problems. Why is everyone horrified when people gave suggestions to stand up against the OTE?

in the end, i guess the person who really gave a flying fuck abt it just hurt herself the most in the end.

and u, after all that u said, can just come up to me and say u are sorry AND that i don't understand u. which part of the u putting me down do i not understand? am i supposed to see it as an act of a concerned friend who wants to point me to the right direction? well i guess u did pt me in the right direction in the end didn't u?

if u wanted to understand my rationale for saying all that i've said during the meeting. then what was YOUR rationale for saying that to me straight after i told u that i just apologised for my mistake. Do i sound so adamant that i was in no fault at all that warranted your response?

do you even know me at all?

i guess not. like u claimed how i didn't understand u anyway.

thank u for everything. really. especially for that one special moment that you made me feel like a freak and that i didn't deserve to be loved.

i am sorry that i have disappointed u, in what ways, i don't know. if ur fb status was even about me. haha. i am a shameless and cheap slut who can never change after all, aren't i.

u have been an awesome friend. and i wish u well.

so close to stupidity

i cannot control emotional outburst.

like what i said just now, i just really didn't expect it to come out of myself at all.

yes u're right, i am in every sense a attention seeking bitch, are these are the moments of attention which i seek should i lose control of myself.

talk abt carnal lust. lol. this is what i'm faced with everyday.

n sure,after that i enjoy the moment on replay too

i would always go back later to relieve the moment, but never that pleasure that came with that moment . it's just this overwhelming guilt that consumes me because i always take things twice as hard that wad NORMAL ppl wld usually do.

and every single once in a while, the bitches and sluts lose control, and come out in bloody zig zagged lines on the back of their hands.

sure, i enjoy the moment. i always do. thank u for pointing it out to me.

if there's anything that comforts you, u are not at the losing end.

my debt is always paid in blood and self hatred.

there's life beneath the snow

i think

we're just holding for old times sake

n cus i've long given up on who we used to be

there seems to be less depth then what was originally there.


we just drift on

vinegar addict.

once every few months

i have to deal with very bad security and esteem issues.

like suddenly i'll think e whole world hates me

like suddenly i'll feel like i'm not being loved

like suddenly i'll feel that u're ignoring me

n i'll do crazy crazy things

just

to

get

ur

attention

n i'll get jealous like i'm fucking drinking a reservoir of vinegar.

n i'll whine that nobody loves me n nobody understands me.


i know ultimately this will be part of a phase, in fact, i face in like once every few months

so why am i still so UNSURE???

i am such a bastard.


the weeks are getting longerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

lesbatrons pwns gaylords

things have been going well for me

although i do predict that it's going to end pretty soon with my maths test this wk

i've stooped to writing boring wkly updates of my life.

which also equals to very much nothing at all.

~~

if anything, i'm just wondering guys are the weirdest creatures on earth

one minute u can be not talking to each other for months

the nxt minute u "pour out ur heart" to him

oh so poor thing u simin

now we're behaving like good frens again

the key word here is "behaving like"

maybe we're both just deluded.

n yes, i am still very much peeved by mr gaylord. but den again. mr gaylord has no balls. so i shall forgive u. poor gaylord.

i think i am a fucking retard

like it takes me a fucking day to get really mad at u.

it's never at that point of time.

i'll just take that blow in e face without knowing it

before taking a few hours to realised i've been hit

n hurting real bad

u most probably will know or maybe never know at all

cus i'll start shooting arrows at u,

retorts, sarcasm on facebook, blogs n fuck what have u

den i'll just slowly

ignore

u

n

hate

u

more

i fucking hate myself

sriously


sometimes, i expect u to know me better.

even though we're nt twins n stuff.

den u're telling me crazy things like nono singlehood is better

or like get a bf

no shit.

look at nie, or wait, i'm nt even interested.

e only reason why i really want a bf is cus it's fucking getting on my nerves tt i can't get one.

it's a commodity, not a fucking compulsory want.


nvm. have fun with ur kenny boy.

oh happy day

today's presentation was a high pt, of sorts, despite me being a chin wag :P and a blundering idiot, eating my words n stuff

ellen n hugh laurie's youtube video entertained the class, russell brand did his thang abt e coca cola advert, n we were constantly entertained by singaporeans trying to fake an american accent.

we oso had ms sng with her fake survey of 20 children, which she would later gloat abt, cus we refused to present that fake survey, but satan was highly impressed tt we even bothered to do a survey.

satan said that she "had never seen anything quite like it" or smthing along those lines.

n u have ppl walking up to us after class n saying our presentation was awesomely cool.

maybe cus no one did a project on american accents in singapore before. we loathe it but we dun research on it.

so in some ways, yeah, e 3 of us worked just fine. in fact i dun think i've done anything like this.

just.happy.

=)

form filling form

i don't understand how u can get a GPA of 4.0 and not know how to fill in forms.

it's either our education system has completely turned u into a memorizing machine

or u just simply can't be bothered to think.

talk abt teaching critical thinking to kids


*snorts*

tt's why u have no friends.

i think i'm very good at watching ppl fall

lying there bloody

bleeding life away

and then walk away from the crime scene as if it's the most natural thing to do


i must be the worst friend u can ever have.


tt's why u have no friends.
this flamer once said to me

so so true.

to u, for u.

u gotta teach me how to network n find a bf.
i told him.

u're never serious.
he said

snorts. so true.


if there's anything abt u. besides the fact that u smoke ciggies n puke alot of crap. is that u always nvr fail to say things that make me think. things that are sometimes so near to the truth.


i guess i just haven found someone to be srious enough with.

just another day

dear diary

life's been good.i'm coping well in school. surprisingly. maybe it's cus i was prepared for the worst.

my roommate has been slamming doors n throwing her things ard as usual. but i guess anything for one that sucks ur life force out of u. snorts

dad lost his job again.

n now old ah pek is the taboo word at home because dad will become emo momo after hearing this. it doesnt help tt mum becomes an emo momo with the dad. n the boy's crazy truckload of tuition isn't really helping with the financial situation here. god he's such a leech sometimes.

n mum's asking when i'm graduating n getting my 1st pay. fuck. n e stupid thing is she doesn't want me to pay for the family expenses now. she says it gives her more stress. wtf???

sis has dropped the idea of overseas exchange because of our inability to fork out 10 - 20k. but then again, i guess this would make her even more detemined to get e scholarship which will sponsor her masters in europe or wadever.

i guess travelling would be out of e question now...

in retrospect

i think i was being a total ass/dick/bitch

n

i'm srry

it's a boy!!!

we seemed to have been walking in silence, for that moment, since forever

we walked down that road in silence.

that emptiness, once filled, was just another stark reminder of how things used to be,

and how along the way,

the winds changed

and i decided to let the winds take away whatever we shared.


i think some part inside of me just died

like i was defragmented and compartmentalised

and that small part of me which used to be able to be frank, carefree, wildly hilarious, crazily n graphically pornographic just decided that it didn't want to come out anymore.

i think i'm losing myself

that old shitty insane streak

flickr

i think i'll miss u

everything.&.all.of.u

chip of

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”
— Margaret Mitchell

via twentythree


btw, i'm so full now i'll burst. wahaha

o.u.t

“So far away, but still so near
The lights go on, the music dies
but you don’t see me standing here
I just came to say goodbye”
— Robyn, Dancing on my own

fuckin

if it's not worth keeping, then leave it

today's just one very bad day.

where u come to e sudden realisation tt maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all.

it's just tt sometimes we're in a constant state of denial.

i'm gay

hahahaha

u are not safe

thanks for the...

gaming is a hobby, passion, not everyone can understand

it's crazy. it's something u would spend ur heart n soul on

since i can't accomplish tt much in real life

at least i noe there's some skill in e virtual world tt i'm proud of

however to most ppl, i guess it's just stupid n plain childish



i guess we could never understand what was important to the other that wasn't important to another.

which was why u got a significant other

was it not?

thanks for caring

i appreciate it.

goodbye.

fuck uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

cheeeeeeeee baiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hackers should burn in hellllllllllll


fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

maybe i shld stop talking since i've nthing more to say

this sem no good. i tell u

boring. are my lecturers.

they ramble onnnnn n onnnnnnnn n onnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

eeeyerrr.

den my life is also boringgggggggg

~~~
u noe ppl have writer's block n shit

i have loser's block. all e time. it comes in shit boring cycles.

now it's worse.

i dun even noe what to say when i'm with u


i need someoneeee

someone i can talk to.

:(

trust me

“You can never really know someone completely. That’s why it’s the most terrifying thing in the world, really—taking someone on faith, hoping they’ll take you on faith too. It’s such a precarious balance, It’s a wonder we do it at all.”

视而不见

i don't want u to come home

because u bring with u a whole lot of secrets and lies

The Truth Is Born In Strange Places

Joan of Arc came back as a little girl in Japan, and her father told her to stop listening to her imaginary friends.

Elvis was born again in a small village in Sudan, he died hungry, age 9, never knowing what a guitar was.

Michelangelo was drafted into the military at age 18 in Korea, he painted his face black with shoe polish and learned to kill.

Jackson Pollock got told to stop making a mess, somewhere in Russia.

Hemingway, to this day, writes DVD instruction manuals somewhere in China. He's an old man on a factory line. You wouldn't recognise him.

Gandhi was born to a wealthy stockbroker in New York. He never forgave the world after his father threw himself from his office window, on the 21st floor.

And everyone, somewhere, is someone, if we only give them a chance.

via iwrotethisforyou

n

we are all weird, just that some of our weirdness is more acceptable than the others.

tt's what my p6 teacher told her kids.

so true. so so true


it's a few months ago since an asshole dropped the bombshell

n i still can't get over it.

maybe for once in my life, i have to keep secrets from my family.

i had to deal with this alone


i can't stand it when u try so hard to look like u're a part of us while in the end while in the end, nothing is real. nothing at all

i can't wake up knowing it's not a dream

nthing is easy.

n really, we can't complain. every job has it's ups n downs. it is just another subset of life.


u are always busy

too busy to care

i wonder if u will ever care

What Teachers Make..

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued,
"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in
life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those
who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest;
"You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"


Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want
to know what I make?

(She paused for a second, then began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't
make them sit for 5 without an IPod, Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and
every person at the table.)

''I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't
everything.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain,
not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know
in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the
Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in
the United States of America.

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were
given,
work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money
isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because
they are ignorant.... You want to know what I make?

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE .

What do you make Mr. CEO?"

His jaw dropped, he went silent.

home

maybe without even knowing exactly what home looks like or where it might be, there's a mysterious draw. maybe the point of continuing to move through life and death was to find it

shallow waters

thou shall wander in shallow waters

for here u can not drown

and henceforth forgo the wonders of what the deep can offer

n i stick to what i've said

we are all the same. despite everything that make us different, we are ultimately the same.

selfish confession

sometimes i wish u wld disappear

then i wld forget that u ever existed

that day wldnt come

and i wldn't have to deal with u and what came after u

i am selfish

i don't like cleaning up after ur shit

if u think u r carrying the burden of 2

den i'm carryin both ur burden n a whole lot of crap that comes with ur stupid secrets and lies.

Carry on my wayward son

Carry on my wayward son,
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

if life was a journey
what is it that we really want at the end of it?
to seek to be known that u once lived
or to know what it was to live

because i don't weep when you leave

t.r.a.n.s.i.e.n.t

for the record

12 hours of starin at the computer watching full metal alchemist, supernatural, and the big bang theory makes you somewhat dellusional and oblivious to your mum screaming at you to clean up the mess

hurhur.

suddenly, i don't need real friends anymore.

there we go again. all e dellusional talk.

and also for the record.

despite cursing and swearing at japan for the past few 1.5 months, i am very much missing the people there

i eat humble pie

random

backpacking has made me realise

the insignificance of our presence

the impermanence of friendships

the frality


and still i always wonder if i ever meant anything to you

or was our friendship just another chore

or maybe sometimes we just need time to be alone

and yet are so afraid that we'll drift apart so you'll try to make time to meet even though you'd really prefer to rest


because sometimes i still dont really understand.

シミン wa su re na i yo

e trip broke us

in a sense.

i guess we've been living apart for so long that i forgot who you used to be and will be

that's what broke us

will miss...

the 20 mins train ride on the odakyu line back to mukogaka-yuen
followed by the 10 min walk down the long dark alley where u most probably might be raped, or not. HUR

the calgary students who appreciated me for who i am

the RAs who understood my lousy japanese

the two spanish hotties whom i learnt the art of flirting and love

the japanese classes, teachers and the stress that came with it which made my depressed every night

the late nights in the canteen where i stared at my homework, stoned for a few hours before copying it frantically

the good food which made me fat

the izakayas (beer house) where i got drunk twice and had ppl drag me home

the pervertic talk about dating only girls who can get pregnant

the 食べ放題 where we ate till we wanted to puke


most of all

the familiar voices of おかえり , that sweet sweet sound of home.

a-ri-ga-to

maybe

maybe the reason why i prefer to travel alone is that i dont have to put up that facade.

i am just me.

not like my facade is any more likeable.

it's so tiring to be ard ppl

esp ppl who bow n apologise to u all e time

free - to be u n me

The crossroads is where u stand

Heartbroken, Desperate

U break

U break that shackles of silence

That shackles that held us together for so long

So now we are free

free

To be you and me.

But there's no need for turning back
`Cause all roads lead to where I stand
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned
[Crossroads - DonMcLean]

i write [blue]

----

sometimes
i think i'm just a shade of blue.
that melanchonic blue,
that flat plain old boring melanchonic blue
that what u see is what u get blue


sometimes,
i think i'm like the different shades of blue
that playful blue with a tinge of turquoise with coral swirls
that bold blue, quick to be angered, quick to smile.
that sky blue, with the clamness of the sky, with puffy clouds drifting by
that blue with hues of red, like e setting of the sun, with that little bit of regret that a wonderful day has just gone by

i am that blue
that boring blue
that different shades of blue

this was our story - past tense

I followed you down beneath the earth, past the pipes and the steam. Down. Down. Down. Until it grew hot and light turned back, to the air. Down. Down. Down. Darkness joined us, following me, following you. Down. Down. Down. Until we reached the heart of a world that didn’t know it had one.

I turned around and came back. Here.

Years later. I am not sorry I followed you. Only that I didn’t stay.

via iwrotethisforu

-----

beyond this newfound inner peace n happiness

there is always this guilt, trapped somewhere, trying to break free

i needed to find a reason

to convince myself that what i did was right

no matter how selfish it was, i just didn't want to hurt anymore

so first i chose silence, then it slowly grew to hate.

it was as if i needed to convince myself of a reason to hate

ironically, i needed to find myself a reason to forgive too

a bagfull of contradictions

i bolted, i.n.s.t.i.n.c.t.i.v.e.l.y.

maybe, i just didn't want to see u

or maybe, it was to run away from the guilt of seeing u.

this is our story, this was our story, past tense.

istillcantletgo =(

it's a little funny, it's a little sad

it's a little sad

it's a little funny

how people can say they miss the times they spent together

but they don't miss the people in those times that was spent together.

because we'll all end up as strangers in the end..

Madness

“Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively.”
— Voltaire

via Kolby Schnelli

because we are forced to conform to doublestandards,

because we have to be someone other then ourselves

which is also why,

i'm still at e losing end.

surrealism

the feeling of surrealism is there

like it just haven't hit u yet

or maybe it's just too painful for u to ackowledge its presence



family

this word is so hard to bear.

this is e reason, why i seek for love.

i don't know why...

but there's this fear,

when u talk abt the other half

there's this fear,

that one day, u wld leave me for the other half

there's this fear

that i would crash,

i would be standing by the side of the road, with a burning inferno

alone.

u leaving me. that is what i fear.

i don't know why.

爱是一个自私的念头 把寂寞消除的理由

The lift

The lift makes us all equals.
Business men, super models, rock stars, poor people, strange people, you and me.
We are all silent when confronted with each other.

Then we get out on our different floors (some higher, some lower) and carry on with our lives,
thankful we no longer have to deal with our own inhumanity.

via iwrotethisforu

there is, after all, no happily ever after.

it took 2 months for u to find out

it took years for me to break free

i dont know if it was too long or too short

because somethings just can't be measured.

like pain. like bittersweet pain.

n till today, i do wonder sometimes, undeniably

if things cld haf turned out better for us.

but as we all know

there is always, no happily ever after.

22

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”




~
22 was filled with the littlest things

the little surprise celebration, the little gifts, e little messages, e random handshakes n smiles when ppl learnt that it was ur birthday.

22 岁的那一天，不知道为什么，怎么也高兴不起来。

淡淡的忧愁，不管怎么尽力，就是抹不掉。

语无伦次了。

不就是昨天么，怎么好象过了很久了似的。

不管如何，还是由衷感谢，那些祝福，已足以让我知足了。

撑伞挡风遮雨记

u asked if i felt any pain

u asked if i was in shock

no, i said flatly.

it didn't hurt a teeny weeny bit. i'm fine with it.

oh. u're boring leh. hahaha.

fuck u.

and from that moment onwards. i knew that somethings can never be the same again.

i didn't noe...that with my heart bleeding like that, i cld still conjure a lie...

有时候自 己 站在那，为你撑伞挡风遮雨，很累。

你却把脸上的泪水当成天上的雨水，理所当然。恨。

my birthday wish

i shall spend my 22nd birthday

cursing and swearing at anything or everything

and then hate everything n everyone

and then cry

and then whine abt my pathetic life

amd cut myself n die.

i shall die hating my stupid rmmate for bugging me till now to have a hearttoheart talk with her. fuck u. i dun wan to see ur heart n i dun wan to talk to ur heart.

i shall die hating lesbians.

i shall die a virgin.

i shall die screaming at this OH SO UNFAIR WORLD.

|
|
|
|
|

hahaha. that would really really be stupid n retarded.

happy 22nd birthday simin, i hope u'll grow up soon =)

MORBID SHIT HAHAHAHA

cus i just dun noe what to do anymore.

a few days ago

i was given a situation.

with no problem, no resolution.

just a fucking situation.

what else could i do? i wasn't given a choice. i couldn't take a stand. i couldn't think.

-blank-

i cried, cus i'm helpless. i'm angry because i can't blame anyone, cus i'm helpess.

cus i just dun noe what to do anymore.

因为不曾拥有

因为不曾拥有，比曾经拥有，少了那点点的心痛和遗憾。

所以，所以， 一直要让自己是个过客。因为过客无牵挂，过客少了那丰富感情。

过客不会留念，不会放不下。


就如徐志摩所说的，我挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩

多潇洒。。。

love =)

today was epic X)

it's always great to see ur frens do well in the things they set out to do.

u're always my source of inspiration, love =)

this is a reminder for u to grow up.

i am unhappy because i want things to go my way

i am unhappy because i want things to go my way

i am unhappy because i cannot accept what others say about me

solution

i cannot want things to go my way

i cannot expect other ppl to go according to my wishes

that is a selfish behaviour

fuck this brain washing.

i must change.

i must remind myself to change.

breath breath breath

now i feel better.
:)

this never ending road

someone told me life was about hanging on

i tot life was how to go abt going on.

it's this long stretch of winding road, like the delta of the river, people come & go from the road u're taking. sometimes, they stay a little longer with u, but nvr forever.

sometimes u dun feel like goin on cus u see no end. but sometimes u believe that beyond that bend, there's smthing better for u.

it's all in e head aint it. how u wanna go on. wether u wanna go on X)

i heart facebook

ironically, facebook is best place to stalk ur nemesis

& see if her status updates shows that she knows that u hate her/are avoiding her so tt u can change ur strategy in dealing with her accordingly to ur wimp & fancy. HAHA

i love facebook.

谁值得信

记得一部科幻的电视连续剧里面的主题曲，曾有这样的歌词

如果我们，变得更聪明，谁值得信。


摸不透你的想法。

我们，到底是你盘上的棋子，还是你沙场上的战友呢

人心是个无底洞

我，还是当初的我吗？

记得老师和我说过，
人是一直在改变的

现在的你，和昨天的你，也许是不同的一个人。

不知道为啥，他昨天的一句，“你呢，你变了吗？”却把我问倒了。

我，还是当初的我吗？

如果我，还是当初的我，那是件好事，还是坏事呢？


i always thought we were in a constant state of change.
maybe i was wrong...

自欺欺人

i'm off tanget again....

but i'm trying to tell myself that i'm going to survive this without any scars....

literally.

i need to check myself into a hospital.

simin u'll be fine.

玄

爱

这东西

很玄

当时的我们应该都是对彼此有好感吧

但为何没有开花结果，我也不是很清楚。

也许是觉得自己是不可能会有人爱的感觉，
或是认为说女孩子在谈恋爱的时候应该是处于被动的，
才会少了那份主动。

最近常想说自己也许没谈过恋爱，所以根本不晓得恋爱到底是啥感觉

今天看到他的留言，才突然觉得，爱，也许是对对方的一种思念，一种挂念

心里那一丝丝的甜，那一点点的温馨

这，

也许就是爱吧。


玄。

过山车

the roller coaster ride was fun while it lasted.

but sit on it for too long

u'll feel aimless, going in circles,

after which ur ass will start to hurt.

den u'd feel nauseous.




spare me.

exciting as it may be

i rather sit & watch u go up & down on it alone.

this beautiful fucked up life

i have the craziest thoughts in my head when i start dieting or when i am waiting painfully for my stupid mensus to come once every few months

apparently, it's e stupid hormones & also e genes. cus i found out from my mum that my maternal side's relatives tend to get very melodrama & suicidal at times. i dun noe abt e self multilation part.

i'm glad i told my mum & i'm really relieved that she doesn't feel at all shocked or digusted that her daughter is a freak or some failure of sorts. just that she tends to get a little naggy or over sensitive when she noes i'm down or dat i've started dieting again since tt was wad screwed me up badly last time.


ironically

i haf to keep telling myself that i'm crazy to stay sane.

it's tiring, it's shit draining when e emo-ness lasts for days
it's like u're holding on to leashes of ten friggin bitches which goes on heat every few months. they pull, tug & dash around in all directions while u try to scream at them to calm down
when this melodrama season starts & i haf to keep my emotions under control & keep reasoning with myself tt i'm just being paranoid.


so now when suicidal thoughts come once in a while, i would try to force myself to think of e ppl i love. den i'll just knock my head on e wall a few times, dismiss e thought, smile, & continue to live.

this fucked up but beautiful life

i always wondered if i'm alone

this battle against myself,

every single day, hour, minute, second.

dear god

this war has to stop.

i don't think e 3 of us give a shit abt her now adays.

interesting how we can move on so quickly on a friendship that's built on a year and a half's worth of time. or maybe it was all superficial.

end this pain

simin shldn't care

at all

run if u want

because we were walking towards different directions anyway.


tml, all this will end.

dellusion

she just lost it

she's just not making any sense now

she's just sent me 3 msges in a row. that doesn't make any sense

she's asking me to trust her. she is holy. there is this god word being thrown around

she wants me to follow my heart

she says she knows and god knows my schedule

she's going to run and hide from me.

she needs help



i'm just sinking with her again.

why is this feeling so familiar...

is this funny or wad? LOL

she said to me:
cuz i so God God now
i v scared u scared
i know u mah
u don't like
i prefer to let u die in hell =X
then don't like me


good job babe, ur sense of humour is amazing.

oh btw,

i'm sure god will find u a better room mate.

i'm just dying inside

i don't see how i can survive this

i'm just going to die arent i.

i totally deserve this for making the decision to stay with her initially

and i totally deserve it for wanting now to move out of hall because she has made me question myself why i was friends with her in the first place.

no wait. we weren't even friends. we were just room mates.

and now every other day when she sees me, she asks me if i'm coming back to stay soon.

and here i am, the fucked up two-faced selfish hypocrite telling her, not so soon, not so soon.

i keep asking myself if there's really something wrong with me

if i'm the one at fault

if i'm the one being anal about stuff while she's easy going and accomodative.

maybe i'm e fucked up one.

maybe i shld just screw this shit.

i've been having hell this past few days

in limbo. because the hall office doesn't open on wkends, so i have to wait for their reply and be constantly constantly tortured by my fucked up decision.

and now, the other roomie to be has called to say someone has moved in to e room i was supposed to move in to.

if there is a god. he is really trying to scew up my life or he's trying to send me a msg that i'm a selfish bitch.

friends have been supportive. telling me i'm not alone. for this i'm grateful.

i'm just fighting a losing battle with myself.

and i'm just dying inside.

my emotions just plunged to a new low.

because i can't stop worrying.

lol

travelling back & forth from sch has been tiring

& i've been trying hard to slp by 11pm

but failing terribly.

dun think

dun think

because e guilt is there.

nxt wk....

because u're nt the only one that is beautiful

chanced upon this when looking thru echizen's links.

she totally rocks.

i mean i dun think i can ever be as dedicated as her towards my hobby.

*hides my half completed stamp collection & a whole other dun noe wad collection*

and there's so many pros ard... lol.

(photos koped from her DA and some other users collection. just stunning XDXD )

money making machine.

looking at my jam packed timetable

i'm insistant on killing myself by taking on 3 tuitions plus a heavy weight ECA.

because i just love to challenge myself

i want myself dead. lol

2010 chiong!

怀念

遗憾。怀念

结束了吧。。。 不会再痛了。

~

death puts a whole new perspective to life

they say where there is sorrow, there is also happiness

where there is death, there is also life.

we live. painfully. each fucking day. but at the end of the day. we live. and i have u.

thank u. for giving me life, for keeping me alive, and letting me love life.

bitchy haha

this entry will be bitchy n bimbotic

like all entries

i like to type in short sentences

and try to lace them with cheem cheem words

like a lacy bra

hahahaha

i have a love hate relationship with my roommate

i don't know why

and it suxs

try loving and hating someone

that's like stabbing the person you love

and loving the person you hate.

OHHH THE IRONYYYY.