Friday, January 29, 2010

this beautiful fucked up life

i have the craziest thoughts in my head when i start dieting or when i am waiting painfully for my stupid mensus to come once every few months

apparently, it's e stupid hormones & also e genes. cus i found out from my mum that my maternal side's relatives tend to get very melodrama & suicidal at times. i dun noe abt e self multilation part.

i'm glad i told my mum & i'm really relieved that she doesn't feel at all shocked or digusted that her daughter is a freak or some failure of sorts. just that she tends to get a little naggy or over sensitive when she noes i'm down or dat i've started dieting again since tt was wad screwed me up badly last time.


i haf to keep telling myself that i'm crazy to stay sane.

it's tiring, it's shit draining when e emo-ness lasts for days
it's like u're holding on to leashes of ten friggin bitches which goes on heat every few months. they pull, tug & dash around in all directions while u try to scream at them to calm down
when this melodrama season starts & i haf to keep my emotions under control & keep reasoning with myself tt i'm just being paranoid.

so now when suicidal thoughts come once in a while, i would try to force myself to think of e ppl i love. den i'll just knock my head on e wall a few times, dismiss e thought, smile, & continue to live.

this fucked up but beautiful life

i always wondered if i'm alone

this battle against myself,

every single day, hour, minute, second.

dear god

this war has to stop.


Faith said...

of course youre not alone.


Faith said...

btw my period is 2 months late sial :(

min said...

why lateee LOL WHY LATEEEEE. wahahah. pregnant arh. :P:P