Monday, August 20, 2007

best --> worst

have been recording all my childhood videos into dvds & @ e same time trying to get my other projects, which i've unwillingly taken up, to finish asap.

i have this feeling tt e quality of my life has been going in a downward spiral

or maybe i'm just imaginin things. things haven been going well for me these past few wks, am just looking forward to wkends to chill with ppl...

e memories just seem to be mocking @ me... every single one of them, of what i've lost, or what this family has lost.

u keep thinking abt ifs when u life hits nadir. if the '97 economic crisis didn't happen... we wld still have a car, a factory, a less stressful life. den maybe i wldn't have landed myself in nyjc, maybe i wldn't have taken all those weird subjts...maybe...
if he wasn't born, maybe money wldn't be their top priority now...
maybe our lives wld be simpler, without these choices, without these risks tt we took, without these interests i naively seeked to fulfill.

but we still have to move on, work ur guts out each day & hope that all tt i'm doing now is for e sake of a "better" future, for e sake of her shutting her f'king mouth up abt going overseas for a tour or living in pte housing or her other god damn it irritating selfish & naive thoughts, e stupid moronic rosy pict she painted for herself.

everything feels so wrong now. it just feels very wrong.
maybe... i just needed desperately to go somewhere...

if i told u tt i missed u, wld it have made a difference to anyone of us?
i miss u...
i really do.


Anonymous said...

Stop thinking abt all the ifs, and you will be happier...=)

estelwen said...

thank you for e advice :D