Sunday, September 11, 2005

ever wondered if the person u know is actually more than what u see on the surface. ever wondered if a person who is confiding to u is really confiding to u or has an ulterior motive. ever wondered what u see, is not always what u get?

i wonder... i wonder abt these all the time... maybe that's why i feel jaded. because my brain torments myself over & over agaiin when i'm with someone or when i'm replaying an encounter with someone on my mind. the question i ask myself is, have i been made use of?

u might wonder why... i seem confident, proud... like i know alot of things abt life that u don't... maybe those that i know are those that i've heard... it's kinda of difficult to trust when u are suddenly thrust into an extremely negative environment when all u have known since u grew up was so pure, so nice, so perfect...

it's so difficult to trust... when u learnt that even things u thought were good were actually some rotten asses... since what u tot was good is bad, tell me how can i even trust my judgements anymore?? if there's such a thing as follow ur heart...i've lost this basic human instinct long ago, because when this need to look to my heart arises, what i see is darkness... not light... and u tell me religion can do wonders.... i dun see it doing wonders to ppl who are weird... illusion...more likely... but i hate living a lie...

"i mean if u're happy, why not continue to live in this self dellusional world where u have created? u've hurt nobody.. where's the harm?"
there is a harm... it is when u wake up & realise how much u have lost.
u might say :"but at least i get to enjoy the sweetness of this dream... the rest can come later" yar... later... when? when u wake up & realise this dream has deprived u of ur rights to think w.o any restrictions. when u want to do something to make up for what u have lost... only to realise that u are now deprived of one thing most precious to men.. time.. so u leave the world full of regret, sorrow & who knows what negative feelings... can ur happiness in that self dellusion dream make up for all this?

if there's anything i need to learn from my journey since i came back from the cracks of doom... is to learn to trust... if there is nobody to trust... then at least let me learn to trust my heart..

that should suffice... wouldn't it?

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