hmm...
i sound like someone? haha... oh... maybe.... it bothered me last time but i guess i dun really care who i sound like now... i'm just me... i'm sorry faith... but i guess i'm a total disappointment.... i feel jaded...i feel like crap.... i can't talk to anyone abt my problems anymore... i dun feel like... with so many things on my mind...
i realised that i still am a attention seeker.. am still a jerk... or maybe even worse now
i dun bother to keep a clean image for ppl, i can't be bothered to clean up others' crap.... i'm tired... u dun do what u're supposed to do, dun blame me for being ruthless....
i'm been stating facts.. although i know it is quite similar to bad mouthing but all these are facts... i'm tired of u pushing away ur responsibilities, tired of covering up and doing things for u. why? why should u not do and get the benefit while i do shit? i know the other committee members say i'm bad for being so frank, for directly quoting her... but i really don't care... i faced this same problem in secondary school, now i'm facing it again in jc... it sucks
what's the position for if u dun prove to us that u are one notch above us? that fact that u are holding a higher position but do nothing makes u much worse then normal members.
u are so so fake...
i believe now that these are my rights... that i have the right to point out what is unfair. i know my reputation may be at stake, but this really isn't my concern anymore... as long as i get things done... i won't be like what i was in secondary school... i won't just suffer in silence anymore...
never....
i feel happier...really....really... really?

life's a bitch... what can i do? just dun get retained...

things i hope would happen to me
1. get knocked down by a car
2. walk to the middle of the road & hope someone knocks me down
2. get food poisoning, excrete & vomit, faint & die
3. drop dead in the middle of nowhere & die of exhaustion
4. go to the construction site opposite my house & say fuck u u assholes & dogs of the govt & fling myself to death
5. if none of the above works, then i shall stand at the top of the highest building and fly....

isn't it romantic? i dun care if it gives u suicidal thoughts... i dun care who reads this. it's my blog, my life, don't like it? fuck off...
life is not better... life is lard...haha...i realised recently it didn't matter to me whether i left a legacy behind if i leaped to my death. it didn't matter to me anymore if my friends wouldn't miss me. nothing matters. i am all alone.... u come to this world alone, u die alone as well...
see ppl who kill themselves, they get forgotten after a while. the pain subsides, then u become a memory...
for ppl who think that killing themselves will make ur friends notice ur presence, or to get attention, u are so fucking dumb. cus why? ppl nowadays tend to forget easily so forget ur stupid plan
i realised now i dun even bother to seek attention.. isn't it cool? i've manage not to act weird & stupid... now i am truly normal
so now... let me fly!!
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

想飞

想飞

那车笛已响了整整五分钟了，司机还是不愿罢休。过了一会儿，当司机发现这办法行不通时，便气冲冲地从车上下来，往操场走去。操场的那群男生继续打着篮球，也没去注意那个司机正朝着他们方向走来。这时，则看见一个坐在篮球场边的男生开始出现强烈的反应，赶紧背起那大书包，一脸畏惧的样子，拖着脚步走到那人的面前，哽咽着叫了一声：“妈。”那女士也二话不说，揪着儿子的耳朵就直拖到车上去。
那男生是学校出了名的书呆子，到了图书馆就一定会看到他独自坐在一叠书的后面，埋头苦读。他那一头乌黑的头发每次都梳得整整齐齐的，鼻梁上还戴着一副厚厚的眼镜。个子不高，身材有点臃肿。因为很少在外面互动，所以皮肤白皙，再加上他性格孤僻，而且还姓李，所以就得到了李白这个绰号。
近日，他不再到图书馆去，反到操场去观察他人玩篮球。相传是因为学校的校花与篮球高手，在篮球场上和他表白，才使他爱屋及乌，也爱上了篮球。那件事在学校成为了同学之间的热门话题，人家说那女生一定是疯了，说他们俩在一起，简直是鲜花插在牛粪上。然而，这些评语对他们俩似并也没什么影响，他读书时就多了一个伴，篮球场上也就多了一个影子。
他在众目睽睽之下像似三岁小孩被他妈妈拖进车里，心中百般的不悦，面子也都丢光了，然而他知道母亲的脾气，所以也只是敢怒不敢言。母亲把孩子抓进车里后，就一直不停地念着，说了‘我们李家前世到底造了什么孽，生了一个没出息的畜生’等话。
“妈，您就给我一点空间，让我留在学校做一些我喜欢的事吧。您就不必在我放学后特地来载我，让我独立点吧。”
“独立”二字刚从儿子口中出来，就像是踩到了雷池似的，母亲不顾安危，立即刹车，狠狠地转过头来，大吼一声：“独立？独立很好吗？人家要父母的呵护都没有，我们疼你你却转过来说我们不给你空间？你不气死我你甘心是吗？”母亲这么一大发雷霆，也就把儿子的嘴巴给封死了。也不知过了多久，母子俩也就到了家。他看着自己的家，不禁想起女友前阵子到他的家时，羡慕地说：“哇，你的家好大，还有游泳池呀！你真幸福！。”
幸福？他不禁开始冷笑，人家眼中的洋房，只不过是个笼子，他人眼中的幸福，也只不过是个假象。
“还不快来读书！考完试了就不必复习了吗？你成绩考得不好不要怪我翻脸不认人！”
儿子听了这些话，不禁打了个寒噤，一脸无奈地走进了书房。
考试成绩很快就揭晓了。他，考得满江红的成绩，他的女友却得到了全校的第一名。他忍着悲伤，正想上前祝贺她，感觉到裤袋里手机的震动。他收到了一则简讯。
‘分手吧，我已经达到目标了，对不起。’
他的世界，顿时垮了下来。那天，他没有回家。
隔天早上，他母亲等了儿子等急了，正要拿起电话报警，门铃却响了。
“您是李太太吗？对不起，我们接到福寿路组屋区的居民的通报，说有一个男生坠楼了，我们在现场发现这本成绩策，想肯定一下是不是您的儿子的。”
李太太翻开一看，发现上面写着这行字，

妈妈，
我一直很想飞，今天我学会了。
儿子

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Simin says....

1. this is what BIMBOTIC SIMIN would say:
whao i have a... a DATE!! a study DATE but nevertherless a DATE... omg i need to do manicure!! my hair my hair! i need to tie it up! or else it'll be like what weilian says.. very messy... cannot cannot! he must see the pretty side of me.. i want to look sexy.. what kind of nailpolish should i put on... bright red? or.. or... pink? aiyar... all put lar... sexier!!! *giggles in a damn HIGH pitch voice, covers her mouth with her hand & try to act cute*

2. this is what REALISTIC SIMIN would say:
er... he abit the dense leh... study for what? later he suck up all my econs knowledge... he's so stupid sure talk alot one... then ... then he'll distract me! then my knowledge will.. will all leak away!!!! then i'll not be able to do my econs exams... i'll... i'll fail!! I CAN"T FAIL! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!! NO NO! cannot get retained! *buries her head back into the books and study like nobody's business*

3. this is what CRANKY SIMIN (who just woke up from her afternoon nap would say):
huh? who's that? har... date? siao ah... *snores*

4. this is what SENSITIVE SIMIN would say:
er... it's so sweet of him... but... what if ... he has other motives? what if... he doesn't really want to study but to do something else? what if...he see that i'm so cute & starts ... fantasizing? what if... he takes advantage of me? what if.... he's a ... gay?!!!

5. this is what the NORMAL SIMIN would say:
wah lao....this is such a lame entry..... i hope faith & weilian dun read it.. or else later they laugh until they die arh... hurhurhur... not farnnie

ever wondered if the person u know is actually more than what u see on the surface. ever wondered if a person who is confiding to u is really confiding to u or has an ulterior motive. ever wondered what u see, is not always what u get?

i wonder... i wonder abt these all the time... maybe that's why i feel jaded. because my brain torments myself over & over agaiin when i'm with someone or when i'm replaying an encounter with someone on my mind. the question i ask myself is, have i been made use of?

u might wonder why... i seem confident, proud... like i know alot of things abt life that u don't... maybe those that i know are those that i've heard... it's kinda of difficult to trust when u are suddenly thrust into an extremely negative environment when all u have known since u grew up was so pure, so nice, so perfect...

it's so difficult to trust... when u learnt that even things u thought were good were actually some rotten asses... since what u tot was good is bad, tell me how can i even trust my judgements anymore?? if there's such a thing as follow ur heart...i've lost this basic human instinct long ago, because when this need to look to my heart arises, what i see is darkness... not light... and u tell me religion can do wonders.... i dun see it doing wonders to ppl who are weird... illusion...more likely... but i hate living a lie...

"i mean if u're happy, why not continue to live in this self dellusional world where u have created? u've hurt nobody.. where's the harm?"
there is a harm... it is when u wake up & realise how much u have lost.
u might say :"but at least i get to enjoy the sweetness of this dream... the rest can come later" yar... later... when? when u wake up & realise this dream has deprived u of ur rights to think w.o any restrictions. when u want to do something to make up for what u have lost... only to realise that u are now deprived of one thing most precious to men.. time.. so u leave the world full of regret, sorrow & who knows what negative feelings... can ur happiness in that self dellusion dream make up for all this?

if there's anything i need to learn from my journey since i came back from the cracks of doom... is to learn to trust... if there is nobody to trust... then at least let me learn to trust my heart..

that should suffice... wouldn't it?

current status...: munching on leftovers, noodles! using the laptop, listening to my very first CD, westlife, doing anything that is illegal, to hell with the government and their laws

haha... yes yes i am very rich... bleahx.. money means much more to my parents apparently... nvm... i'm crapping... it's this never ending cycle. like the chicken and egg question. which comes first? money or family? would money buy u the happiness of a family? or wld u be much happier w.o this crused creation of mankind. dun tell me that money can't buy u the happiness of a family... i think tt's a whole lot of bullshit in my case.

realised tt i haven been watching a tcs made tv seriel as well. why? because it's so damn cliche. the nice ppl get married & live happy ever after. oh yar, haven been catching up on the news recently? or havent watch our dear prime minister puke crap on the naional day rally? dun worry cus these tc seriels will start belting out the policies of the govt, saying they have grants and benefits and blah blah blah substantiated by a whole lot of "i am obviously promoting the policy" figures. and.. if u didn't realise, the producers seem to be ending the tv seriels with er.. hum... the character acted by chen liping going to...er...the bed with her character's husband..hehe... i didn't know chen liping look like a sex manic..

yes this is a warning to all who believe that everything that happens on tvs happens in real life..it doesn't. it's a exaggeration, it's a dream, of what picture the producer wants to paint, not what happens in real life...

i shall meanwhile, suffer the consequences of the idiot who even tot up of this word "education"

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

i'm staring @ e computer screen trying not to fall asleep as my darling hurls vulgarities on the msn & i attempt to make her smile with my very very dry humour. however, i got the unexpected reply of "nt funny" >.< i shall thus give up on this attempt and continue considering my next target in life...

this sounds like a narration of the first day of a life as a married individual...

meanwhile, my fiancee went for a house visit (also known as meet the in-laws session) today and my mum's quite happy with my choice of mate... just that i got berated for "always bullying the poor girl" @#)*&#$
oh fine.... my fiancee enjoys this morbid pleasure...

i was quite surprised that my friend was gushing abt zj coming rjc.... it has nvr occurred to me (how clever they are)...

i seem to be talking cock... must be clement's fault... he's my new love interest...hha... lame... he's a nice guy... damn lame and full of crap... but nice guy...haha

wanted to write a whole full page of philosophy and humanity and studies and blah... but my energy cannot sustain me through this tiring nerver racking process.... but what i read on william's blog kept coming back to me.... don't know why... everything he says seems to make all the sense yet no sense at all.... u get what i mean?


~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

(if u're wondering what the hell this is.... please scroll down... thank u)
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in case u're wondering what the hell all these words are or if u have the simplest idea of what the hell is going on. i congratulate u & will definitely idolise u (if unless u are my mortal enemy, or u are a formless shape...) my computer has been very slow recently, due to me & my sis rampant blogging & my brother's obsession with online games that basically scream the word "STUPID" at ur face. if he plays any intellectual games at all, it is miniclips.com or neopets.com. feel free to heck into my account if u want, i'm basically a millionaire there but if only the money was real.... haix...

am reading too much dream of the red chamber... i had a dream about lesbians this afternoon.... not good not good... either i'm sexually deprived or this book is driving me nuts.

at the same time, at 5.57am in the morning with my history supplimentary lesson in less than5 hrs away, i appluad myself on being able to download all anti virus and anti trojan software & have basically cleared out all rubbish which shouldn't have been existing in my computer, feeding on my bandwidth and making me wait like an idiot in front of the screen. however, i still continued to put on an act on some computer forum, pretending to be some poor helpless computer idiot who doesn't know what is going on with the computer & desperately need someone to help.... either i'm damn stupid or i'm just to lazy to source for the info... i take exams is coming as my reason....

am very tired, mildly pissed, mildly guilty & mildly crazy.... i am high today... high as in i went on a emotional roller coaster ride today... don't ask me why.... i just took the ride w.o even knowing the reason...

i am waiting..... and hopefully not get retained...

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

Ghost of You and Me

What am I supposed to do with all these blues
Haunting me everywhere
No matter what i do
Watching the candle flicker out
In the evening glow
I can't let go, when will that night be over

Chorus:
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
Phantom ships, lost at sea
Well one of them is mine
Raising my glass I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why the stars don't seem to guide me(chorus repeated)

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul

Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will this night be over....

海豚，生命，智慧和自由的象征。它善解人意，并令人看到它时就会感到无比的喜悦。他们的热诚,突出了他们顽强的生命欲望,对未来似乎都抱着满怀的希望.... 天真无邪,并掩饰不住它那顽皮的气质.

我很喜欢海豚，可能是因为它可爱，也可能它的特征，就是我所向往的性格...他们似乎是永远朝气蓬勃,正和我恰恰相反,时时刻刻就感到疲惫...

昨天写了一大堆话.但是要存起来时却死机了.然而心里还是唱着她的歌,脑子里还是只有她,心里也似乎只融得下她.

我知道你在哭,不必骗 我.我虽没有在这种"儿女私情"上有任何经验,但我看过亲人和朋友因为分手而变了样儿,能不叫人心寒,辛酸吗?
打击是如此的具有摧毁力,使你在面对此事时常有压迫感.但是我不愿眼睁睁的看着眼前的你默默承受痛苦,而我却以无能为力为理由而视而不见呢?

我很累...