Sunday, July 01, 2007

what life is like

no life i am livin in now adays.

i have very much lost the concept of friendship, trying to avoid social gatherings because for some rhyme or reason, i feel shame, irritation for not being able to "understand" what they're talking abt. medical checkups, buying laptops, finding partners in hostels & so on so forth. den someone who has nt been updated with my life will meekly ask what course i'm in or how's my life recently.

and i have pretend that it doesn't matter and dismiss it as simply, "i can't get anywhere"

i deserve it so i can't complain.

life's just back to being a relief teacher & a tuition teacher. even i have weird dream related to my work. friends don't appear in my dreams anymore. i've forgotten what it is to be like a student. i avoid goin back to nyjc or cedar because i just fear e sight of teachers, of what they might ask and e devastated look they'll give me if i tell them about my pathetic future, which is what most ppl think anyway.

the stigma attached to a failure. i can't shake it off. i'm so tired of pretending it doesn't exist.

pretense. i live in it now. i'm trying to find self worth by teaching other ppl, hoping tt they wldn't fall where i've fallen & yet smtimes evilly wishing tt someone wld fall together with me so tt i wldn't be alone in feeling this sense of isolation & low self worth.

and now, even reflecting abt life seem so childish to me...

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