how can

without doing anything towards this relationship, i wonder if it's even there at all

like it is almost non existent, yet it is always there, something tt u constantly worry and yet find it a source where e confusing emotions come from.
there is uncertainty, there is fear tt u'll just lose it, there's a feeling of helplessness, there's memories of e past, yet nothing of the present.

how can 2 ppl nt talk for such a long time and yet remain close friends? how can 2 ppl nt talk for only a while and yet feel like strangers who are just worlds apart? it puzzles me still. have i not done enough? have i been too selfish? have i been too insensitive? i don't think i'm paranoid. we're just lacking in something, trust. i don't trust u, i don't trust how ur heart feels. i don't know how u want to me to there anymore.

it's nt a feeling of being replaced. more like a feeling of nthingness. i feel like i'm trying to give it all, yet there is just no response at all.
somehow this is nt going to work out in e long term. and e most ironic thing is tt despite graduating frm nyjc a few months ago. those ppl i keep in close touch with are those who've graduated with me since sec sch. how much can this tells me abt sch life?

i feel very very tired.