Monday, January 22, 2007

there's more than 1 reason why kahhui became my arch enemy after our fateful PW projects, it wasn't because he was faking it all along, but rather e time & effort i spent trying to reach out to him as a classmate, e time & effort trying to accommodate him despite myself knowing tt he might just be putting up another show of heart attacks & shits noes wad.

maybe it's because of my expectation of him to be at least remorseful for wad he had done to his friends, my expectation of him that he wld change for e better tt made me even more disappointed in him & eventually to hate him.

kahhui is not an isolated case. rather, i've seen a few like him, a few "friends" whom i had given my time & attention & hope for a true friendship of which i only got back backstabbing, betrayal & manipulation.

so now even when i've entered society, like it is any different from what i've exprienced in sch, i see the ugly side of my "best friends", showing signs of jealousy just because she felt like she was my replacement, saying hurtful things & then dismissing it as a joke.

so now, i've basically given up e simple expectation of being able to find a person whom i can trust fully. because sooner or later, we will betray each other eventually.

there's really nthing we shld expect out of ppl, we only live for ourselves. we live to fulfill our fears, satisfaction. we continue to play games, tt continues to fascinate me & frighten me with e fast changing alliances.

maybe it's nt by expecting anything frm ur friend tt u get surprised, tt u are able to see those who are true & those who are nt. it's e same for any other ppl, ur family, ur friends. to go thru e sadistic process of brainwashing urself to not to expect, to just give & give, no matter how tired u are, no matter how sick u are of deception, lies & e crocodile tears. to just give until u have nthing left, & then retreat to a dark corner & die....

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