reflections

resolution for aug

1. thou shall nt spend money on clothes or shoes any more

2. thou shall nt eat in expensive restaurants

3. thou shall eat cup noodles or food less than 5 bucks for e month of aug

4. thou shall reduce e download usage from internet websites

5. thou shall keep track of expenses

~~~~

it's funny how ppl who always...

think tt others are at fault are those who are in the wrong as well

point out e flaws of others always have those flaws themselves

think they're e best are often one of worst of humanity

feel that others have failed them are those who have often failed others as well

tell ppl to shut e fuck up shld themselves shut e fuck up


it's so ironic...
e person whom we hate most is almost freakingly similar to us...

tired

i wld love to meet up with u...

if i wasn't working every single day & come home shagged like i just wanna die

if i wasn't paraniod & worried that my constant nagging of them to go out with me wld piss them off

i guess it's just retribution...


i am really really tired...

narimiya!!

alice thru the looking glass... ----->

narimiya is cute... even though he is suspected to be bisexual... where have all e good man gone???!!!





everything looks beautilful when u're in a good mood. and i hope this will last.... pretty please.

but somehow, e fact that i know that this choice was made because of some other reasons besides my interest disturbs me once in a while...

wld i have worked so hard if e conditions were different? wld i be so desperate to a money making machine if i hadn't failed badly... who knows, who really cares.

sometimes u wish ppl wld come and comfort u, say what u're doing this rite because what u need know is just alot of comfort to know that u haven drowned in ur endless work, dying alone and forgotten. why do fear being forgotten. why are we so anxious to be self centered in our blogs, anxious to make sure tt everyone reads and knows our views, so quick to speak out e word 'I'.

sick ppl. very very sick.

the road goes ever on...

when...

when ur job as a relief teacher is so uncertain, and when ur colleagues use to be ur teachers, there's always a certain stress lvl u have to face, when u do smthing that is.... unorthodoxed...

like bringing a kid into a staff room to reward him with chocolate.

URGH...

and of all ppl, e discipline master. GDDAMIT *hurls*

hell bank notes

i'm nice to everyone but my own family.

fuckin hell

i am selfish

go ahead, condemn me to hell, i wld love to burn in it

~~~

every once in a while, girls have pms. for me, i start ranting abt how life has been unfair to me, how my family sucks to hell, and how i've sucked at living my life because stupid As ruined it

u're rite, i'm jealous, i'm fucking hell jealous of ppl who can stay at home and rot. they don't worry abt money, they are even bored of rotting. i didn't even get e chance to rot. i don't even have time to go out and give myself time to chill, away frm e fucking ppl i noe.

i don't have time to buy clothes, i don't have time to do e things i want, i don't even have time to spend e money i've earned.

earn now, spend it later as ur retirement fund.

maybe i wldn't even get to e age of retirement. i wld just have heart attack, or car accidents or suicides and die be4 age 65. then when e hell can i get e time to spend e money?

so desperate to believe

even e most empty promises can seem so comforting in times of need.

we r so desperate to believe.

hello hello

hello hello

i haven't been updating much u see.

i'm facing e prospects of being fired frm my job. teehee. nt because i'm doing a lousy job *which i think i am anyway* but because contract teachers are swarming the place like flies & soon i too will join their ranks. is me making any sense?

and with so much contract teachers joinin MOE, i wonder if they even have any places for me.

my chinese is still like shit, which results in me speaking shitty chinese. or, maybe singchinese. wadever. my tuition kids say i swear too much. but honestly. i didn't noe A.S.S was a swearing word until i saw e bewildered looks on their faces. den i went uh-oh....

but as long as peace last, my mouth tends to be 'clean'

maybe working makes me think less, by trying for form alliances aka frenships & trying not to take sides with teachers firing arrows frm all over e place. ie e old generation vs e new, e chinese vs e other races, it gets kinda of frustrating and irritating as to whom u shld please & whom u shld piss. and u noe it's impossible to please everyone but so much easier to piss anyone. what e hell, office politics becomes so fun.

and i haven even met up to have a decent chat with my frens for e past few wks. which even makes me wonder if i have any.

my body has also been highly overworked, reaching a temp of 38.2 °C. delicious. hahaha. and somewhere along e way, i just hope tt my salary can support even my basic lifestyle + my family. my life looks fairly
b
l
e
a
k

p.s: many thanks to those who still rmb me & drop in notes once in a while. appreciate.

不分青红皂白

可憎

y e f is this happening to me.

i'm srry

未完成

心，都已经散了

哪来的毅力走下去呢

路， 还很长

what life is like

no life i am livin in now adays.

i have very much lost the concept of friendship, trying to avoid social gatherings because for some rhyme or reason, i feel shame, irritation for not being able to "understand" what they're talking abt. medical checkups, buying laptops, finding partners in hostels & so on so forth. den someone who has nt been updated with my life will meekly ask what course i'm in or how's my life recently.

and i have pretend that it doesn't matter and dismiss it as simply, "i can't get anywhere"

i deserve it so i can't complain.

life's just back to being a relief teacher & a tuition teacher. even i have weird dream related to my work. friends don't appear in my dreams anymore. i've forgotten what it is to be like a student. i avoid goin back to nyjc or cedar because i just fear e sight of teachers, of what they might ask and e devastated look they'll give me if i tell them about my pathetic future, which is what most ppl think anyway.

the stigma attached to a failure. i can't shake it off. i'm so tired of pretending it doesn't exist.

pretense. i live in it now. i'm trying to find self worth by teaching other ppl, hoping tt they wldn't fall where i've fallen & yet smtimes evilly wishing tt someone wld fall together with me so tt i wldn't be alone in feeling this sense of isolation & low self worth.


and now, even reflecting abt life seem so childish to me...