so now u know....

someone said smthing tt bothered me alot, i tried to move on but i cldn't.
i'm becoming increasingly paranoid, increasingly insecure.

& now i'm blaming myself for everything tt has happened. like it's my fault, or maybe it is my fault...

i've always tot tt to enter society was to go to another new world, with grown ups who manipulate, play office politics & climb up e ladder to reach e top. either way, it's a dirty world out there. but i guess what i hadn't realise was tt i had already been out there since i entered JC. just tt i've happily convinced myself tt my jc mates wouldn't be as assholic or as weird...

so i have conveniently allowed myself to be made use of by different ppl over e 2 yrs & i was kind enough nt to collect rent frm them for using me & instead have to refund them back with my emotional trauma. all thanks to them, i'm now officially paranoid & convinced tt everyone has a conspiracy against me, there's this ultra big conspiracy to take note of every word i say so tt it can be used against me, so tt they know my weakness & can manipulate them in the future. it's sad, it's damn tiring to guard against everyone, even e ones i trust, or i want to trust.

it kills me every time i have to think twice to what i have to say to close friends or even family member so tt i won't have to be judged by ppl. oh the fuck.

u noe i've always lamented at why ppl just refuse to sit down with a pen and paper to list out all their misgivings & compromise. it's e most simple & most direct solution. why nt? y isn't it as easy as it seems?
i don't noe why it's bothering me. and somehow a part of me still tries to convince myself tt maybe all this is just a mistake. tt they are still kind, that they're nt aware tt what they're doing is wrong. all these things are so wrong, how could someone even do tt to a "friend"? what's so nice abt e manipulation? doesn't it bother u @ all?

maybe some ppl just thrive on e fact knowing tt they've ctrled & manipulated u, tt u are like their objects waiting to be used, over and over and over and over and over again....