Sunday, December 10, 2006

to e ppl who died

i've always had mixed feelings towards ppl who wallow in self-pity, claims to want to end their life & those who tried to die. stuff tt makes u very worried, very tired, very angry & more depressed than u already are.

i don't noe, maybe i'm just felt tt i'm one of them or used to be one of them. the significant few who just needed someone to always care, who just needed constant reassurance tt we're nt worthless, tt there are always more reasons to live than to die, tt we did't even have e right to die.

somehow even till now, i still think i am, e attention seeking sort who yearns who attention. it's not like my parents didn't give me enough. looking at how my grandmother is trying all sorts of viable options to end her life, i tot maybe it's just in e genes again... which sucks alot...

i've always tot tt there were things u cld control in ur life. by gaining ctrl of one, u can then eventually gain ctrl of the others. but apparently, e all so powerful human mind has a wonderfully tunneled vision & can only see & manage so little things tt they can't see where their fault lies. isit their fault tt they have tunnel vision? so it's like it's u're fault if u are childish, if u get depressed easily. isit in e genes? or are these ppl just being stubborn for not being able to change their scope of vision?

i really don't know.

it's nt like i didn't try. i tried to remind myself everday tt shld i even do smthing stupid, there'll be these bunch of ppl who will be disappointed in me even though i won't be disappointed with myself. there'll be these group of ppl who are always keeping a look out for me & wanting me to be happy & me being foolish will make them sad too.

i failed terribly, miserably. i felt like shit in e end. it's like losing ctrl even though u try. am i still e one to be blame?

i don't noe...

all i know, is tt u can nvr ever have this mentality tt u can always depend on someone. when reality sets in, u have to survive...
on ur own


把残酷的现实留下来, 把烦人的生活负担抛出脑外



Faith said...

You CAN always depend on someone. But not for EVERYTHING. You can depend on someone for support, for a reality check, etc. But ultimately, only you and you alone, have to get down and dirty and stretch yourself and help yourself out of the mess you're in. ANYWAY, you're not that sucker. Even if you were, you've learned. We keep learning. Thats what life is all about. :)

estelwen said...

i dun noe babe. it's so difficult to believe e "i'll be there for u" thing now adays. reality makes me cynical.