changing

we r all leaving

and i tot i was still the same

i am alot older now.

the things i tot i cld do

now i just sit there

n not move at all

how is my dream even possible now

=(

life

life has it this way
that nothing is fair
but u can't compare
for everything has its time n place
and it may not be now
but the future is still
yours
to
spend

so keep dreaming
n keep them alive
n life will have it
that it will be urs some day =)

control

we don't blog anymore
maybe our bf's have become our daily diaries
there's nthing to put into words

i need to let what's in my head bleed
out
i keep too much shit inside

what if there's smthing wrong with me
den i wldnt want a child to be like me
to have bitch fits and crazy self harm tendencies

yet everyone says it like it can be controlled
i tried
i walked away
then u came n slammed the cup
that's when i lost control

i hate life like this
i hate wondering if my emotions are a result of my inability to manage anger
or isit a result of my fucked up hormones
either way it's still e same isnt it
the inability to manage urself
to remain calm.

so fucking fail.

shit

for the countless times as u sit there and talk about something that is bothering u over and over

give the person sitting there listening to u some credit for listening
give the person sitting there figuring out how to best comfort you some credit
give the person sitting there feeling worried for you some credit

if u think sitting there listening to u talk is so fucking easy
maybe u shld listen to urself talk
and for thousand times u said things that were hurtful
i didnt even show
so if u think i'm nt the best listening ear
then find someone else who doesn't hurt ur damn pride

term 3 wk 5

it will be 4 years later before i can make any plans with my life

4 classes. i tell myself. i've survived 2. 4 wouldnt be such a big number after all.

i wish to do alot of things. but with this boundary set in im apprehensive of how far i can go.

24 is such a young age to be stuck in a job for life.

work and travel

taking my masters

working in a farm

how much do i want to see

how much do i want to achieve

is this the furthest i can go?

and my dream was never to settle down and have kids

to be pleasing mothers and fathers and convincing them i was the right one

my dream was always to leave.

and meet people

to live lifes

lifes we could never imagine leading

maybe as a rubbish cleaner of the streets of taiwan

maybe as a waitress in one of the restaurants

cleaning bedsheets of some bed and breakfast joint in australia

anything

at

all

and marriage would kill it all

 

i fucking love.hate u

i am making plans

for u

for us

n it's more than 3 months in advance

these plans

i hate u for that.

for making me break my rules.

living

it's like ur life is pulled into a sudden halt
u cannot make any plans further than this
week after week
it becomes a mundane cycle

n maybe u throw in a few meet ups here n there with friends
but ur life has stopped
really
how much are u growing?

so this was e rat race we all wanted?
fuck humans are weird
we create a system we dread
throw ourselves into it
n then at the end of the day
use that damned money to buy things to tell urself tt that was what u've been working for
ur whole damned life


whao

i don't wanna live for this job. 

just you wait

studying is fun. u wldn't believe me saying this but student life would always be the best years of ur life.

and i guess this depression is setting in because i sit at my table everyday
with work piling up
student discipline down the drain
and wonder if this will be my life till the day i die

our life is no longer our own.
we need permission to nt go to school
we can't just leave any time we one
it's the rein. the damned reinnnnnnnn

and u noe that somewhere out there
u've had a better life before
skipping classes
late nights
drinking to the wee hours in the morning nt caring if u had lessons the next day

that was life. that was the best life.

so i will wait. wait for the next break in life. for me to throw everything aside and travel again. with a rucksack. just me and the world

just
you
wait

the most beautiful thing abt life
u never lose more than u have to gain
with every fall

we give ourselves the weirdest reasons and the most incomprehensible justifications for the stupidest and invalid actions
just so we can move on
just so we can be the victor
like this was a well played game
n i stand there n see u bleed
trying to lull myself into slp
that none of this hurt at all

have we all stopped growing?
what is there to look forward to now?

maybe the best thing u've ever done for her
is to drop everything there and then n leave her
it'll be less painful that way
for her.

blue plan

Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not.
Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.

this reminded me of u. but i could never comprehend the pain u went thru.

this transition has been slow, painfully slow. moving back home has always been like a drop in quality for emotional happiness. the constant quibbling bugs u. all the time. n in a way shows how selfish we've grown to be while living on our own. our ability to make daily decisions of our lifestyle diminishes as we try to integrate back to normalcy.

n the useless knowledge that is dictated for us to be learnt in school seems to serve only as the fuel for the capitalist world. of what use is learning the area of a triangle to a child who is not mathematically inclined?

we are just filtering them out. one by one. those that cannot learn knowledge tt is useful for the running of this cooperate styled country.

n this will go on.
all of us chasing after a seemingly attainable happiness, a family, careers, a house and the list goes on. of which at the end when is ur happiness. ur well deserved happiness.

these aspirations. this blue plan that is supposedly ingrained in all of us. is just so wrong.

where is the love.

it is sad. that religion, or to be specific christianity has become a wall to this friendship

n so it stops

this friendship just isn't real anymore.

And I did so under the blanketing term “Christian.” I did so believing that my actions were somehow justified because of my beliefs at the time. I did so, actually believing that such appointments were done out of… love.
frm here. :)

 if anything i cldn't agree more, that this has been what i've observed so far.
ppl who claim to be 'true' christians, ppl who claim to be saving others have in effect taken upon themselves to judge others. others who are different, even those of the same faith. different because they don't follow the same routines. different because they don't model their life after yours, your beliefs, your world view. without realizing that we all have walked different paths, u judge, with what u think u know of the person, or thinking u know better, u judge.

and that's the thing that is most damning about the believers. they judge u. all the time. knowingly or unknowingly. because they feel that they are following this path that God has made for them. And with this path they have a sense of responsibility, dripping with self-righteousness, to guide u to the very same path they are walking on, thinking that people who are too blind to see their God are immoral, are missing out on so many things that God has to provide.

so as u self righteously mete out judgements to all those whom u deem need to be saved, i hope one day u will understand how much damage ur beliefs have done to the people who loved u, to find a better purpose then to cast stones at those who walk a different path frm urs.

Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her

nothing but noise

it's scary
how i've let my life revolve ard u
unknowingly

the sudden realization
i do not like it
this
plan
making
revolving
ard
each
other
lives
intertwining 

and we are both slightly depressed by the prospects
that the physical bodies cant collide
but i guess i'm luckier than other LDRs
for now
we still have something to look forward to at the end of this year
n hopefully the next

n i fear it is only me n my imagination
for in my dreams we were doing quite the impossible 

- holding hands

food for thought

True Love: One's ability to make someone you adore happy, without sacrificing one's own values nor suffering abuse of dignity or self. Love is never lost, just held in abeyance, until the pace of balance between family, career and security converges. Fulfilment is measured by the art of telepathic understanding, on a conversation level not requiring words.

want/hope

U did not ask that I wait for u
U just said it would be good that I could wait
There’s this slight difference
Of wanting
And hoping
And because so much things are at stake
U pulled back because
I guess
It would hurt less if it all fell apart
They asked me to fight for what I think I deserve
But there is only so much that I can do
To make a cynic understand a pessimist
And even though it may mean nothing to u if the glass is half full or half empty
But it means the world to me that the glass
Is but half
e.m.p.t.y

等

记得自己以前最讨厌等人

因为等是一种负担，是一种累赘

总觉得人生很喜欢和我开玩笑，

我最讨厌的东西，既然让我一次又一次的，在不同的场面碰上了

是故意刁难吧，

还是想告诉我即使讨厌也不能避免

总是想东西很快的有个了解

但又少不了时间才足以让人生的精华充分的显示出来

也许时间是想告诉我人生是不能偷工减料的

是要一点一滴的活出来

让它活得最充分，实在

因为等，不单单只是空等，不单单只是累赘

是耐心的考验，是人生的磨炼

成败与否，也许已不重要

只要放下心思，每有一样东西，没有一份感情会是白给的吧

this should end soon...

i really really really like u

but if this goes on i don't think i'll be happy

i feel that i already am perfect the way i am
meaning
my imperfections are part of me. it is a flaw but it makes me me.

i think i can dress up when need arises. i think there will be times where i will make fashion faux pas.

i do not wish to change how my teeth looks. my parents gave me a set of teeth that may nt be as perfect as urs but enuff for me to eat good food.

physical imperfections of a person shouldnt be something that we strive to change in another person. just so because this is superficial, it makes me wonder why u are so concerned about this superficial aspect of me and why this superficial aspect has to match up to ur mum.

and i am really tired

there seems to be no resolution in this matter

u love me but...

it'll be that but that will kill the both of us.

memory keeper

u haf no idea how happy i am to get my skype history back

i like reading
n seeing how dynamics between ppl change
over time
for better for worse
it's usually the better ones that i keep

to remind myself of how far we've made it
the little joy, fears, the odd things we did that we've grown so used to with time

separation

ppl leave. i nearly forgot tt.

but before u go

this box i give to u

n we'll be our memory keeper

we'll meet again

i hope we do.

orange days.in memory of all of us:)

will miss
the late night suppers, the HTHT sessions, the drinking sessions, the madness the randomness the loves, the jogging session, the emo nights, the nights i thought i wasn't loved, the nights when i thought i was the happiest person alive, the cat outside my door that stay and left and stayed and left, the late walks to halls, fighting for pillows, steamboats.
the days u came n stayed
the days we thought we couldnt care less
the days we thought we ruled the world
the days we planned little trips unplanned
the days we drove on the wrong side of the lane

4 years

and now we're all moving on...

these. all these names. i will grow to miss.

mental clutter

and that voice inside ur head. who is speaking to you, now... in silent whispers and screams
and then there was light
and next came the days
but who are these voices
and what do they speak
these codes signals and maybe nothing at all
maybe
maybe for once i should listen hard
and follow
lead my army to victories
before i can lay down my burdens
live on thy name

yellow diamonds in the night

and the week couldnt be happier :))
then knowing that u're the luckiest girl on earth
congrats!
n i can't stop smiling

n what's urs will be urs

u can't stop ppl from coming into ur life, poking n prodding at ur soul, making u feel so much, n then leave u again
u can't stop urself from living life
u can't stop life
u are a part of this life

n what happens when u leave

den she'll just sit there helplessly n sigh
oh look what you've done.

mental health

how can life be only about happiness
when existence itself is a constant struggle against a whole lot of vices, emotions n things that threaten to overwhelm us

n because the ppl i love misunderstand
that i seem perpetually sad, abt what life has to offer
rather than the fact that i embrace sadness as part of life
isn't life abt this balance?
sadness & happiness
selfishness & altruism
one cannot exist without the other
one cannot exists in its own entity for it wld render the other obsolete

or am i really one fucked up pessimist
who sees no hope in humanity?

it is for this reason that i fear

of speaking what is on my mind

"why are u always so emo"

but how can u be happy

when sadness is not first understood n embraced.

why do i smile

when it starts to rain

gosh there needs to be a differentiation

between emo-ness n being  reflective

i reflect.

i dun emo

i dun cut myself.

ok maybe i do think of

but wth.

no link ok.

retart. hahahaha

10 wks practicum
i let the stress kill me before it even starts.
happy 2012
thank u for the love