listen

sometimes i sit there

and listen

to words i don't understand

to what's not being said

we become

the constant in that chaos

the shadow in the light

we smile and whisper to the wind

pass me by.

“Where there is much light, the shadow is deep” - Goethe

i need to get used to this

i need to get used to this

having to get used to choked up voices when u call over the phone, the hysteria alternating between my mum n my sis

the older one will cry abt my brother's schwork
the younger one will cry abt her r/s

well i can't complain, they were there for me when i ran into problems with the live in terror. after i cut myself tt is. LOL.
just that the crying really makes u depressed, helpless n angry.

lol sucky daughter/sister

~~~~

i want to be a celt

in my alternate life

donned in white

on the cliffs at sky's end

overlooking the heavens and earth

singing n dancing my heart out

u are free n looking retarded at e same time. WHAHAHA

fail

looking at someone sobbing uncontrollably in front of u is like having reality hit u in the face.

in a good sense really.

ur heart turns cold, u lose hope, then e only thought that comes into ur mind is, oh wadever, fuck it.

it just gives u very good idea as to who the person really is,

so now i know that what kind of "leader" i'm dealing with right now

i basically can lower my expectations to nil, n then enjoy my golden years ahead.

cruel as it sounds, a weak leader cannot gain respect. but then again, u had no commitments to the club, nothing will make u fight for it as much as those who've been in it n thru hell.


ja... mata!

rant

my cousin once told me that this was a destiny of sort, biological destiny, a curse n hence we have to pray to God for salvation.

this bad temper n the streak of madness that runs in our family as seen from e number of reported relatives who had always wanted to kill themselves but not done so.

the whole extended family is made up of bunch of emo freaks who have either damn big egos, fucking bad tempers n stupid IQ

my dad's paranoia + my mum's emo max + my mum's fked up temper = simin

this is not getting me anywhere.


n u have no idea how much i hate to be compared to my mum in terms of her temperament.

all my whole fking life, i've worked so hard not to be like her, at all.

yet i am failing terribly.

maybe i'm just trying to hard.

maybe i'm just don't have e determination to even try at all.


n now i'm just getting mind fucked by myself with all this paranoia n emo-ness.

n this post was supposed to be positive.

maybe it's cus it's pass 3am.

HAHA. fuck u simin. HAHAHAHAHA



in trying to deflate my ego
i might have mistakenly deflated my self esteem
it is nt helping that my dad stuffs me with food, get's upset when i don't eat his food, n then says i'm fat
n keeps insisting that there is smthing wrong with e way i am behaving, too tom boyish, laugh too loud. no guys will like
i have come to the conclusion that i can't be loved because i am mad, no one wld love someone who is mad, paranoid n irritating.

go n slp simin.

who said the grass is greener on the other side

one casualty, still a long long way to go.

u can’t measure the load of one’s designated responsibility.

in fact. u willingly went for it. despite disclaimers emphasizing that it wasn’t easy

no job is easier than another

conflict only arises because we think someone else is having an easier life as compared to ours.

our job is difficult, we always have a hard life.

because we compare too much

tt’s y we’re never happy

nvr

contented

u justified my skeptism, u didn’t last

quit mopping

i think u've mopped enuff

HAHAHA.

the caged bird can't sing

it's only e beginning of e sem

n everyone is already so angsty :(

frustration arises out of the inability to communicate ur ideas, feelings straight across to the intended person

n then u can only sit there n fume, bottle it up, then u'll get an explosion, either in an angry spray of vulgarities, or it ends in resignation

passion dies, things get really ugly

but then when we slogged our guts out in e previous comm, things were really ugly too

so it doesn't get better i guess.

it's just worst spelt differently.

i'm not strong at all :(

my timetable's nt out

i went home to a crying mother because my bro didn't do his hmwork

e r/s thing is always on my mind

i'm worried abt things that are out of my control



i let things bring me down too easily


e only thing that is keeping me up is that i've managed to change the other tutorial groups to make space for that DAMNED module. i've managed to get a free day too. if i dun get that damned CDA, my timetable will be just screwed.

A pansey for your thoughts

An enduring symbol of free thought.
It derives its name from the French word pensée, which means “thought”; it was so named because the flower resembles a human face, and in mid to late summer it nods forward as if deep in thought.

u know

u know there's something wrong with you

when you did not eat anything for the whole day except for a few fries and maybe 3 pieces of chocolate and u don't feel hungry at all.

it's 5am, and you don't feel like sleeping even though u're very tired and have only slept for 3 hours the previous day.

i
think
i
m
going
2
crash

24th dec
christmas eve

u called

u cried

after tt i just lost weight

had asthma/panic attck

couldn't slp

it's as if i was going thru e breakup

haha.

i'm just scared that u might just decide to go back to the way things were.

n why can't u just stop talking to her.

that's how bad that fear is.

fuck this.

i'm srry i dun understand :(

boss

i rmb someone once told me that atheist are those who are most delluded with the believers rather than e religion itself

he also told me that he wanted to challenge the sch system because he felt that if u believed in something, u definitely could change it. that was his purpose for going into NIE. i believed he had other greater plans. but in some ways, although he got screwed up by e office pretty badly, he had his own victories, n for that i'm just glad that someone did bother at all.

he was n continues to be an inspiration.

for that u are wonderful.

thank u

=)

the unpolitically correct guide to dreaming for dummies

it's nt easy looking down n wondering what ten odd other ppl want.

it's nt easy leading a team, dealing with politics internally n externally n bitches in the offices more concerned with red tapes n covering exposed asses.

i always wondered if it would have been different. very different.

welfare is not just about what can be given out for free twice a semester, goodie bags. cup noodles n what have you

welfare is about little things in our lives as students

not enough study areas, dirty rooms in student hubs, e supposedly screwed up system of timetabling, Student-Tchers having no idea on what they are in for when they graduate.

which sadly n ironically, we can do nothing about.

as we all go abt talking abt collaboration, planning vibrant events to hype up a supposedly uninterested community that is more interested in going home after classes

there's this uncanny silence that looms over us.

we don't know

we don't care

maybe we all have our different ideas

maybe we all are only willing to sacrifice so much for a system that we can't beat.

maybe i shouldnt have big dreams when i am only so small.

but i just can't help wishing there was more i could do...

n i wonder if u succeded in the end.

the day u shared.