being happy is being delusional

being depressed is being way too realistic & paranoid

going places...

how i wish i could be u smtimes...

but maybe my life isn't tt bad too. if money and intelligence weren't in e equation...

WOOFBALLS

e idea of relationships is weird

it's unimaginably indescribably weird.

maybe because i'm just gay & i fall in love with things that are non-existent aka jdrama actors/actresses

of course e idea image everyone has in their mind would be a happily ever after kind of thing with all e emotional and spiritual support u can get from the other half.

but still... it's kinda of misty...

& i'm really not that much bothered anymore if anyone decides to kill themselves, or just mutilate themselves in a fantastic display of unbalanced emotions because it is eventually their life they're ruining.

that's e power of living in a hostel. u start to wrap urself in air bubbles & then u practically lead ur own life, u cook ur own food, wash ur own dishes, plan ur own life. so staying @ home is a torture. because someone starts to rule over ur life & when u're 21, u dun feel like u have to listen to anyone anymore.

tt is my growing up... childish huh.

i shall thus represent my life in picture.


HAHA. can u imagine it? that such a thing actually exist??? LOL. WOOSH

wheels & cats

it was dark

i saw it run, across the road, into a car and den under e wheel, and den there was this loud crunch...

i saw it fly...

SHIT

and den everyone stared at me, before they saw it lying on e ground, flipping & turning in agony.
i don't think e head was there anymore.................

e road was wet, stained...

den a few more cars came, and u could hear its body break under the wheels as the cars went by it, one.by.one.

den it stopped moving


fuck. gross. damn.

URGH. stop playing in my head....

i dun noe y

i don't know why....

but e first thing i do when i meet someone is to look @ their wrist...

maybe it's e paranoia.

i don't know why...

but i really can't be bothered about cca's or group works that much anymore...
cus responsbility isn't really valued that much in society

i don't know why...

but i think euthanasia should be legalised in singapore.
so that we can run away from the pain...
there's really not much pt in living, when u're in pain...
and if selfish people really feel as if they deserve death to spare themselves from the pain and not care about e feelings of those who love them, since they would assume that they're so damn lonely anyway,
they should just jolly well die.

and no. i'm just estelwen, from middle earth, japan, and i work in a non-profit industry. not in e nuturing sector. in case u wanna find me and sue me.

pls let me be strong to keep myself going =)

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

reflections

today i've learnt...

that ministers are actually vampires so they cannot stand flashlight of amateur cameras. once exposed, their thick makeup followed by their very rubbery skin will melt from the over-exposure to light. this will incur e wrath of their trying-to-act-like-i'm-very-cool-bodyguards-but-i'm-just-a-dog bodyguards to complain to the relevant authorities who are also dogs to be to shoo u away like u're just some dirt.

i've also learnt...

that despite my sch's promises that it's staff will be as caring as those they hope to nurture, it is actually a very polished line taken off an advert to brainwash unsuspecting students. they are all just pigs, licking off food from their plates when there's some big event and busy exchanging useless pleasantries.

i've finally come to the conclusion...

that i shall never ever be a reporter and faceoff with dogs that can walk & talk. i shall not take photos of them with my camera as it causes my camera to crash. i shall also be aware of my lowly second class status in society & not overstep my limits cus no one will praise u for a job well done if e minister dies unglamourously cus of the flashlight.

selfish confession.

the only reason i have to have that want would be not be left behind when u're in ur own world and ready to take off without me.

because people just fade off. like the effects u see in movies. they just fade off into the dark. leaving u there alone carrying the burden of what they used to promise. they can convince u to believe, convince u to make sense out of things that doesn't & then they'll leave, & everything will just crumble around u as u struggle to pick up the broken shards..

because they just disappear, after the promises, they'll always disappear.

so i hope u don't come back anymore. with ur empty promises of love. with ur reassurances that it's gonna be alright. because none of this is real.

just leave. i will be fine. like i always will. don't patronise me.

uber lame lol

monochrome

~I would have you smile, not grief for those whose time has come

97

有时候觉得自己不是长不大，而是不想长大

看见那么多陌生的脸孔，不知为何就感到很气恼
为何才出现
这些所谓的堂哥堂姐，血浓于水的亲戚，为何这时才出现~~

想要哭，却哭不出来的感觉，好难受。
想必大家的心都是默默地在痛着
有时候就是很难接受一个人将永远在这片天空下消失
是七份的不舍得，三份的遗憾
怀念着，
想起那以后那空荡荡的房间，想起以后不会有人以方言叫着我的名字
想起她那亲切的笑容，想起她和我讲着我一直到现在还是半桶水的方言
想起我在两个星期前才刚到过她的家，不管我多大声的叫着她，她就是躺在床上，皮肤因为身体的退化已经开始变黑了。


她就那么走了。心很痛 。

风雨中且让我盈步婀娜

2009 is sriously nt my year...

会呼吸的痛

想念是会呼吸的痛　它活在我身上所有角落

遗憾是会呼吸的痛　它流在血液中来回滚动