i will not have u screw around with my head.

damn, june is a busy birthday month. hahaha.

zzzzz.

傻B

we shld all have QQ.
because QQ pets is so darn cute & a big distraction. hahaha. i have on 'residing' at e corner of my desktop screen. hehe

~~~~~

problems just pile up, they don't go away.

and honestly speaking, i have a feeling tt i'm just running away cus i'm tired of seeing the ppl here and my newly acquainted 'friend'.

it's either my EQ has been damn low recently or that i'm really trying to throw everything behind.

but what i've told her is true. i dun care how much she claims to understand or nt. the simple fact is that i hate being talked down like a kid. i am nt stupid and i can differentiate whether u're treating me like an adult or like a kid who doesn't know better.

u start talking abt life's philosophies, abt how if u can't change others, u shld first change urself instead. and then e worst thing is u had e nerve to insult my english by first insisting that a wrong sentence is correct "The way to the Big Ben, one has to climb up the spiral staircase ..." and then when i suggested that it might be wrong, u just screwed on my nerves by telling the other colleague that i'm nt experienced enough in this. WTF?!

and ur only explanation for this is that u're very frank & u'll say what's on ur mind. so? u say what's on ur mind w no absolute consideration for others?

am i complaining again? can i complain? can i rant? am i too concerned abt what others think of me? i can't live with this kind of ppl sitting behind me & commenting on every single thing i do, i think i'll go crazy....

u want me to open up? i alrdy did on the day when we were vetting the paper when i blew up when u made tt stupid comment on me being inexperienced. i'm learning so stop saying i'm nt experienced. I KNOW THAT. it's like going up to a blind man & telling him that he's blind.

" jus tt i find lately u seem quite distracted..
easily irritated.. attitude not as fantastic as b4.. is everything fine for u?
or its jus when u are coming to the end of yr contract.. u feel like throwing everything off?
i was like tt last time, and even worse things happened"

of course my attitude is nt fantastic, i'm irritated, but take note that it's towards u because i'm trying to keep everything as it is. i dun like to pass comments because i know it hurts & it's nt within my capability to point out ppl's flaws because i'm just a colleague of urs, i dun want to cross my boundaries.

it's 1 wk down & 3 more to go. let us just stay this way & hope that everything stays the way it is before we both screw up on this r/ship. ur way of dealing with UR students, i wish u gd luck.

but why is everything she's saying bugging me so much? is it because it's true?

rant

now i know wad's wrong with these ppl

they just love assume that everyone else is wrong and have experienced so little

so they'll be right since they've experienced so much more.

so they love, LOVE to share.

bullshit.

LOL


it appears i've been complaining alot recently, old habits die hard. but smtimes, i just can't stand these ppl. ROARRRRRRR

u incorrigible bitch

ok u are pretty, nt beautiful

and so what if u're pretty, ur EQ is damn low because now that i'm having my pms, ur insensitive and supposedly for my good comments are making me feel really depressed.

c'mon, so what if u're 6 years older then me? i refuse to believe that u're in any way more mature than i am and why shld i trust u just because "u've been thru this"? because u love to assume that i know so fking little dat i need u to comment on how i'm doing things? if u're being helpful, i find u a pain in e ass.

u love to the assume, and then when i'm halfway thru my sentence u'll happily jump into ur own fking conclusion and den start commenting on "actually, u shldn't do this" fuck u. this is the first time in my life i've felt so tired talking to a person because i constantly find myself unknowingly becoming very defensive when i speak to u.

i think u're a screwed up asshole and i'm sorry if i've known u cus the more i learn about u, the more i hate u. and so what if u had depression in sec 2? it means that u've gone thru alot more if u had depression? and u're here teaching me how to handle depression when u have totally no fking clue what is goin on.

i hate it when ppl assume they know so much abt my life and den after assuming they give fking useless advice.

i srsly dun give a fk or damn where or what u've gone thru, ur hurtful assumptions & ur comments abt my teaching methods. i know my methods are not good but e last person i want to get advice from is u because after all this, i just realised that u were nvr sincere and have just been putting me down, even though u sound damn positive.

and srry, i'm not coming to ur sunday mass.

up up and away....

MY HOLIDAYS ARE ENDING! LOL. damn i'll just hide in a corner and cry.

but hey life's been great for the second half of the holidays. i was sulking and bawling for the first half because as i've told u, moe ran out of stamps. lol. so their shipment of stamps arrived on the second half of the holidays and thus i received consecutively 2 letters that was pretty much crazy.

end of holidays means i'll be quite depressed for a while because there'll be people i have to face, students in particular but hey i'll get over it. the sad thing was i didn't miss them as much as i missed my pupils in cps. classroom management for p4s has always freaked me out in fact was having nightmares abt it during holidays. haix. does that mean i love teaching less? i'm not sure too.
i've been out with the backrow alot during this hols, lol, very very close ppl whom i can just go crazy and don't give a damn.


freedom will be on 22 july. there'll be ppl i'll miss but i've learnt enough and this experience has been humbling enough. 4 wks from now till 22 july to psycho myself to pick up my books and start studying again.

up up and away....

i want to apologise, not to feel less burdened by guilt

i want to apologise, to let u know how sorry i am to put you through this though we were both at fault

i want to apologise, to let u know that it was never my intention for this to happen

i want to apologise, to let u know that if u even felt any pain at all, i had my fair share of pain because of this as well

i want to apologise, to let u know tt because i, as an adult in the situation, had not done my part well, it had led to things getting from bad to worse because i was supposed to know how to manage the situation.

i want to apologise, to let u know that i have learnt my mistake and will not make it again.

i will continue to carry this burden, i will continue to carry this guilt, till i learn how to set things right.

to all

i know words can never be enough


thank u for being there :)

我就是这样

今天遇见了你，你变了，但是笑容依然那么迷人灿烂。你曾经给了我很多，不知道我作为你的朋友给予了你什么。还是同样一句话，不管我们以后怎么样，我很高兴，也从不后悔认识你。

i have every reason to continue writing here, and i have every reason not to. i don't know why ppl get so much pleasure from harassing ppl even though this blog was never meant to be private since the "common" argument is that a blog is never a private diary. post it up here and u shld also be ready to face criticisms. wadever

it's a constant question i ask myself everyday. how much have i learnt from past mistakes? how can i be better? yet i've always been at a lost to questions from students like, y shld i change? y shld i be a better person when i'm fine being who i am now?

because we all want to be loved? because we all want someone to care? because by not following the social norm, we risk being an outcast and thus being out of touch with others. we'll be alone. we are scared of being alone. because no matter how much of a misfit we are in the social norm, we will always try to find other misfits to gel with.

i want to change because i'm in pain. i want to change because i can't let go. i want to change because i know i can be better.

and then i sit there and wonder if everyone goes thru the same phase as i am. i am already 20 & yet i have problems with emotional management. i am 20 and yet i still don't know who i really am after 20 yrs. i am 20. i am 20.

i think it's inevitable tt in this life, we'll meet up with ppl who really truly care, ppl who are just superficially caring, ppl who try not to care, ppl who simply don't care, and ppl who are plain bastards.

晴天呢？

固执下犯下的错误，以等待来惩罚我，你够残忍了吧，是因为我不够成熟还是我破坏了学校的名誉？

要如何才算是尽力了？我不否认有能改进的地方，但这代表着我没尽力吗？

雨后不是有晴天 吗？

晴天呢？

很痛苦。